Still Friends With her exes.

[Iotome]

I'm sure a lot of you have this problem so I wanted to get some advice.

 

I've recently started dating a woman and she has brought up that she still talks to a few of her exes. One is an ex husband who she has known for a very long time and the others not as long.

 

I don't like that this bothers me but it does. We haven't established a relationship yet so I don't mind as much now but it is starting to get serious. If it were just a text every now and then I wouldn't care, but it was specifically stated that there might be a day where she goes and does something with her ex husband alone, and possibly one of her other exes.

 

Anyways I brought up that it might bother me if this turns into a relationship and she said she would be willing to stop talking to one of them, but not the ex husband. Is it wrong of me to ask her not to get together alone with them when she has known them for a longer period of time than me? It should also be said that she doesn't have kids with any of them.

Edited May 8, 2016 by Iotome
Needed more info

[seamos]

I think it all depends on the people involved, I've had some exes that couldn't have been trusted this way or any other way. On the other hand, my current wife and I, at our wedding, each had two exes there. I had an ex girlfriend for my "best man".

 

I look at it this way, why would the judgement of myself or my spouse have always been so poor that every partner prior to "us" has got to be a piece of s***! No, sometimes things just don't work out in a relationship but why should that mean they can't be a good friend.

 

Another ex girlfriend of mine introduced me to six or seven of her exes and for years now two of these guys have been my closest friends and most of the rest are on good terms with me still.

 

I can understand your reluctance and that's good because some are trustworthy and others not. But, trying to restrict your spouse behavior across the board w/ this could cause some unnecessary tension also.

 

Good luck w/ this!

[CarrieT]

I am a 50-year old women who recently got married. Because I was single for 25+ years, I have a LOT of Ex's in my life - most of whom I consider close friends.

 

I am fortunate that my new husband did not ask me to not talk with the people in my past.

 

For me, my new husband met most of my Exes and understands why they are still in my life. We have even had two of them over for dinner. There is no lingering "longing" and no baggage involved. They are just people who were important to me at a time in my life and now there is someone who is far more important.

 

I don't think you have any right to dictate to her whom she can and cannot see. You are either comfortable with her past or you are not.

[Iotome]

Thanks for the replies so far. I guess my biggest problem is her getting together alone with them and when I say alone I mean not in public. Nothing else bothers me but I do agree that it is unfair of me to ask this and I wouldn't feel right doing it.

 

One thing that makes it hard is that I don't have a problem getting dates or dating at all and in the past if this were a problem I would just move on because I had been with someone prior where this wasn't a concern, this could just be because of my age though. I should have mentioned that I am 28 which I know can change things a bit.

[Shanex]

Ive been here too and the more relaxed I was acknowledging she still talked or recieved postal cards from exes the more she was into me... Confidence is one thing women want. It might be sort of a test to see your reaction but many women keep their exes as friends and thats something I learned to accept.

 

Now hanging out one to one and not in public knowing its an ex I draw the line there. Not saying shes having an affair with one of these guys but your voice matters too. Everyone set his own rules when it comes to dating and Relationship. Personally she can still talk or see her ex but without the ambiguity of being together only.

[neowulf]

Anyways I brought up that it might bother me if this turns into a relationship and she said she would be willing to stop talking to one of them, but not the ex husband. Is it wrong of me to ask her not to get together alone with them when she has known them for a longer period of time than me? It should also be said that she doesn't have kids with any of them.

 

A couple of things I've learnt about this kind of situation.

 

You absolutely have the right to point out this makes you uncomfortable.

She absolutely has the right to tell you to suck it up and get over it.

 

You can't control other peoples behaviour.

 

Are you willing to walk away from the relationship over this? Are you willing to say "I respect your decision to maintain these friendships, but it's just not something I'm comfortable with. Have a nice life".

 

Because that's really your only option in these cases. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you can force people to give up the friendships in their life and not have them resent you for it.

 

In the end, it comes down to your own level of insecurity. I've managed to maintain friendships with ex's in the past and dated women who've done the same. It always comes down to healthy boundaries.

 

If you feel their relationship is starting to trump your own? Then sure, make that known.

 

In the end, understand that if she *wanted* to be with these men, she would be and there wouldn't be a damn thing you could do about it. Be the best partner you can be and trust that she's choosing you, over them.

[seamos]

Now, why would she get together w/ them alone once you're in a relationship? That part doesn't seem right to me. I'm pretty trusting and easygoing but that seems blatantly disrespectful on her

part. I'm guessing her desire to do that would change if your relationship became more solid. If it didn't at least it should.

[Jabron1]

I'm sure a lot of you have this problem so I wanted to get some advice.

 

It happens.

 

I've recently started dating a woman and she has brought up that she still talks to a few of her exes.

 

It's great that she told you, and that you are finding this stuff out before you decide on being exclusive with her.

 

This sort of thing is exactly why it's a bad idea to rush straight into a serious relationship.

 

If it were just a text every now and then I wouldn't care, but it was specifically stated that there might be a day where she goes and does something with her ex husband alone, and possibly one of her other exes.

 

That's completely and utterly unacceptable.

 

I wouldn't even tell her not to. If that's what she thinks is okay, then she isn't girlfriend material. Don't turn into a nag by trying to make her something that she isn't.

 

Is it wrong of me to ask her not to get together alone with them when she has known them for a longer period of time than me?

 

It's called having standards.

 

But, I think you are fighting a losing battle, and it's just not worth it.

 

The relationship could be good as long as it's kept casual. Her actions are not those of someone that is serious. So, don't take the relationship serious.

 

Simple

[Iotome]

Thank you guys so much this is really helping. I think what I'm going to do is let it slide for now, the one on one that is. If things start leading to something more serious I will tell her that I cannot be in a relationship if she is still going to be meeting alone with them.

 

And we're not in a relationship but we have agreed that we're not dating anyone else. Which somewhat stinks because the only female friends I would spend time with alone are ones that I would be attracted to.

[Jabron1]

I think what I'm going to do is let it slide for now, the one on one that is.

 

I think that would be the best thing, except for this problem...

 

And we're not in a relationship but we have agreed that we're not dating anyone else. Which somewhat stinks because the only female friends I would spend time with alone are ones that I would be attracted to.

 

You are exclusive.

 

You are exclusive with a woman that randomly hangs around in private with multiple ex boyfriends/husband.

 

All whilst you are expected not to play around.

 

I agree with you: that stinks . I think you've really messed up there.

[Iotome]

I think that would be the best thing, except for this problem...

 

 

 

You are exclusive.

 

You are exclusive with a woman that randomly hangs around in private with multiple ex boyfriends/husband.

 

All whilst you are expected not to play around.

 

I agree with you: that stinks . I think you've really messed up there.

 

Yeah reading it now kind of puts things in perspective and makes me realize how naive I've been this time around. I guess it's time for a sit down. Anyways thanks for the help and putting things in perspective.

[Jabron1]

Yeah reading it now kind of puts things in perspective and makes me realize how naive I've been this time around. I guess it's time for a sit down. Anyways thanks for the help and putting things in perspective.

 

No worries, mate.

 

Like I said, I've been in your position loads. I think everyone has.

 

You live and learn

[sandylee1]

You aren't comfortable with her closeness to her Ex H.... that's perfectly normal. She won't give that up.....so why waste your time getting closer to her when you know this and you dislike the idea.

 

BTW I'm on your side here. My H maintained a 'friendship' with an Ex GF and I got to the point of letting him know... I would simply emotionally detach from him if it didn't stop ...... and I would reconnect with my ExBFs if he thought his friendship was okay.

 

He knew my detachment would not be a good thing and he was very clear that he didn't want me reconnecting with my Exes ...

I believe an Ex is an Ex for a reason... I don't people as friends who I've slept with in the past ..... it's history .... plus it's easy to rekindle when you have a past with them.

 

If you have no problem getting dates ...... why bother hassling with this.

[abby_tx]

If they text on a regular basis and share everything, that's not good. I know because I WAS doing this with my ex and realized it wasn't healthy. I cut him out of my life and I'm better off for it.

[oldshirt]

You aren't comfortable with her closeness to her Ex H.... that's perfectly normal. She won't give that up.....so why waste your time getting closer to her when you know this and you dislike the idea.

 

BTW I'm on your side here. My H maintained a 'friendship' with an Ex GF and I got to the point of letting him know... I would simply emotionally detach from him if it didn't stop ...... and I would reconnect with my ExBFs if he thought his friendship was okay.

 

He knew my detachment would not be a good thing and he was very clear that he didn't want me reconnecting with my Exes ...

I believe an Ex is an Ex for a reason... I don't people as friends who I've slept with in the past ..... it's history .... plus it's easy to rekindle when you have a past with them.

 

If you have no problem getting dates ...... why bother hassling with this.

 

I think this is a fair recommendation.

 

 

Right now you two are dating and by your own description are not currently in a serious, committed, exclusive relationship with future plans of marriage/home/family etc.

 

 

Dating at it's very core is spending time with someone doing things with them to get to know them thoroughly to determine if they are 'the one' you want to continue to get more involved with and possibly have a home and family with.

 

 

I think continued involvement with ex lovers and spouses and a declaration of continued contact is perfectly valid reason to put a halt on a developing relationship or at least to stop any further development or any future planning.

 

 

If you enjoy her company and wish to continue to Saturday night date her, that is fine if you want, but as she has declared her intentions to continue involvement with her ex's, I see no reason for you to further invest into the future of this relationship and see no reason for you to be exclusive on to her or to take yourself off of the dating market.

 

 

It is completely within her prerogative to remain involved with whatever ex lover she wants. You have no right to restrict her personal activities.

 

 

However you are also under no obligation to make any commitments to her or to further invest yourself into any kind of relationship with her while she galavants around with her exes.

 

 

I think this is a perfectly valid reason to question the future viability of this relationship and a perfectly valid reason to halt the forward development of this relationship or to end it all together if you want.

 

 

Bottom line is this is all about rights. she has the right to see and to date and to bang her exes as she sees fit. And you have the right to not accept that and the right to put on the brakes of this relationship and the right to go back onto the dating market to find a relationship where you are not in direct competition with an ex husband and ex lovers.

[oldshirt]

.....and lets be frank and put it all out there like it really is....

 

 

If someone is this upfront and blatant about maintaining a relationship with an ex - they are probably not as "ex" as they portray them to be.

 

 

She is keeping a back door open and a safety net in place.

 

 

She may not be actively having sex with them (or maybe she is. who knows?) but if someone is keeping ex's on the backburner like that, you may only be one disagreement or one or two episodes of her feeling slightly neglected or irritated before her legs are over the ex's shoulders.

 

 

People keep exes on the shelf as escape pods.

 

 

If you can guarantee 40 years of never making her mad, never making her feel somewhat neglected or unfulfilled and can guarantee the next 40 years of nothing but sunshine and blooming flowers and chirping birds and butterflies, you may be able to keep her out of her ex's beds.

 

 

But if you think that you may stumble at some point, just know that she always has a soft, familiar and comfortable landing pad to fall on (in the form of a Sealy Posturpedic king size)

 

 

The question you have to ask yourself is, are you ok with the person you want to share your life always having a back up plan in place with one foot out the door at all times and someone always ready, willing and able to open their door and throw back the blankets for if you don't keep her completely fulfilled and content at all times?

 

 

If you are ok with that and are confident that you will never stumble or drop the ball and leave her feeling somewhat unfulfilled one day, then go for it and all the power to ya.

[sandylee1]

Indeed ^^^^^

 

It's so easy to go to him for a chat when you guys have a tiff.

 

Then she starts getting relationship advice from her ExH. This is what my H was doing with his Ex.... talking to her when we had issues. I was more than furious about it.

 

After me saying I'd reconnect with my Exes .... and I have more Exes than he does .... he realised the friendship had to end.

[Cherryz]

You are getting to know each other.

So now that you know things like this that you dont like then leave.

There are many people out the to date.

 

We should stop dating ad get in relationship with people thinking we can change them or they will change.

 

Thats not our job.

Before this get more into drama, break it off.

She have the need to be alone with exes. You cant change that.

And the good part is only that you know this so you can run now out of it.

 

Dont stay and try to force your thinking and values on people to make them perfect for you.

[neowulf]

You are getting to know each other.

So now that you know things like this that you dont like then leave.

There are many people out the to date.

 

We should stop dating ad get in relationship with people thinking we can change them or they will change.

 

Thats not our job.

Before this get more into drama, break it off.

She have the need to be alone with exes. You cant change that.

And the good part is only that you know this so you can run now out of it.

 

Dont stay and try to force your thinking and values on people to make them perfect for you.

 

Best advice ever.

 

You can not control other people, only yourself.

 

If you discover something about another person that's a deal breaker, then break it off. Don't fall into the trap of thinking "Oh, they'd be perfect.. if I could just *adjust* them"

[neowulf]

People keep exes on the shelf as escape pods.

 

 

As someone who has maintained friendships with a handful of ex's over the years, I can assure you, I've never had the desire to get back with any of them.

 

They were and are ex's for a reason. Very good reasons. I respect them, enjoy their company but we were simply *not* suitable for romantic partnership.

 

I think it depends with how honest you can be with yourself about your feelings. I usually don't break up with someone until I'm 100% sure, in my heart, that I'm done with the relationship. At that point, I never have to revisit it. I know who they are, I know why we didn't work. It doesn't need a "do over".

 

I've never tried to get back together with an ex, for exactly the reasons stated above.

[Cinnamonstix]

Some people are going to be comfortable with this situation and others are not. This is how I look at it: I leave my exes in the past, and I want to be with someone that thinks the same way as me on this. You are not comfortable with this situation. Find someone who shares the same views that are important to you. If something as important as this isn't jiving, you are probably not a good fit. You'll both suffer if you play the "cool, laid-back" guy that never gets jealous. You do what's right for you.

[Iotome]

Thanks for all the replies everyone. It's great to get different perspectives on this. Honestly I've been with her since I've made this thread and haven't brought it up.

 

It's hard because I really like her company and part of me just wants to say do it and see what happens. Which I hate because I've had my fair share of dating experience and haven't had a problem with stopping something if I wasn't sure I liked what was going on until now.

[Alamo657]

The fact she wants to spend "alone time" with them is the red flag. If those ex were just friends, she wouldnt think of not having you around when she sees them.

 

Alone time with other men when in a relationship = disrespect for you.

 

Girls like her will cheat on you with an ex at the firt sign of trouble. That's how it is.

[Iotome]

Yeah as much as it sucks I'm going to be talking to her tomorrow about it. Think I'll just say if you want to date that's fine but I can't be in an exclusive relationship if you're going to be getting together alone with an ex.

 

Thinking about it now even if I would never cheat on the person I was in a relationship with I sure as hell wouldn't put myself in a situation where it would be most likely to happen.

 

Anyways you guys have been a big help and I will update this with how it goes.

[Emilia]

.....and lets be frank and put it all out there like it really is....

 

 

If someone is this upfront and blatant about maintaining a relationship with an ex - they are probably not as "ex" as they portray them to be.

 

 

She is keeping a back door open and a safety net in place.

 

 

She may not be actively having sex with them (or maybe she is. who knows?) but if someone is keeping ex's on the backburner like that, you may only be one disagreement or one or two episodes of her feeling slightly neglected or irritated before her legs are over the ex's shoulders.

 

 

People keep exes on the shelf as escape pods.

 

 

If you can guarantee 40 years of never making her mad, never making her feel somewhat neglected or unfulfilled and can guarantee the next 40 years of nothing but sunshine and blooming flowers and chirping birds and butterflies, you may be able to keep her out of her ex's beds.

 

 

But if you think that you may stumble at some point, just know that she always has a soft, familiar and comfortable landing pad to fall on (in the form of a Sealy Posturpedic king size)

 

 

The question you have to ask yourself is, are you ok with the person you want to share your life always having a back up plan in place with one foot out the door at all times and someone always ready, willing and able to open their door and throw back the blankets for if you don't keep her completely fulfilled and content at all times?

 

 

If you are ok with that and are confident that you will never stumble or drop the ball and leave her feeling somewhat unfulfilled one day, then go for it and all the power to ya.

I actively keep in touch with exes including an ex husband and I am VERY upfront about it. Everyone that knows me knows that I speak to him, see him on a regular basis.

 

I also know his girlfriend, I helped her out financially recently (not that she is in trouble, just saying). I have known my exH since I was 20, now I am 43, that's 23 years, all my adult life, basically.

 

Another ex of mine is facing life changing dilemmas and has asked my advice on aspects of that. Others are on facebook or LinkedIn, two of them live in Australia.

 

I do not have sex with any of them.

 

I think you need to be careful not to project your own values, some of us have strong boundaries.

 

I wouldn't give up my connections with people that I had been through a lot with for a budding relationship that may not work out.

 

As I am up front about it straight away, the men can make a decision very early on whether they want to stick around based on the above. I am yet to be asked to cut contact with any of my exes.