SneakAttack Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 In January, I met this guy and we had this connection with eachother right away and were both freaked out by it. He'd come over to my apartment every day and we'd talk and hang out for hours. This went on for a couple months, but early on I started to wonder why we were always at my place. Eventually, I started to question if he had a girlfriend, but neither him or his friends ever mentioned it. One day he kissed me when he left, but came over later that night and told me we needed to 'talk.' We went in my room and then he decided to tell me not only did he have a girlfriend but he lived with her. He told me he really liked me, and he was freaked out and didn't know what to do and blah blah. I never wanted to be or thought I would become the 'other person', but now I have. When I first found out about his relationship, I got really mad and told him I couldn't be his friend. But he had convieniently waited to tell me about his girlfriend until [/b] after I he talked me into working on this project with him. Long story short, we just kept being friends.. and more. As more time went on the situation, naturally, things got worse. I tried to resist being around him as much as I could, and I took all the burdens of our situation and blamed myself for it all. I just wanted him to be happy, and in the process, lost a lot of respect for myself. Being with him, I became something I always said I never would be and I have a lot of resentment towards him because of it. About a month ago, I ended things between us. We talked about the situation and he was telling me he wanted to fix things with us and just be able to be friends. I feel like the whole conversation was completely fake and he was just trying to keep things cool for the last month I was living there, so he could just pretend nothing had ever happened. Some mutual friends found out about us, and I feel like he was just trying to cover his ass so his girlfriend wouldn't find out about us. I was going to tell her, but never got the courage. I moved and just never expected to hear from him again. Now he's contacting me, and I don't know what to do. I care about him so much, but I just want to forget about him.. but I have such a hard time ignoring him. I feel so guilty about what we've done, and I can't stand how awful he's treated his girlfriend and me. He tells me all the time to talk to him about it, but eventually we are just rehashing the same topics over and over. I know a lot of people have been in this situation, but I'm having the hardest time dealing with this and moving on. I feel like there aren't enough word to emphasize how awful I feel about it and how hard it's been to live with. I know I could never trust or be in a relationship with him and I've told him that; so I don't even know what good would really come from staying in touch with him.. but I also miss his company so much. What's the best way to deal with all the **** from this type of situation?
erika2610 Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by SneakAttack In January, I met this guy and we had this connection with eachother right away and were both freaked out by it. He'd come over to my apartment every day and we'd talk and hang out for hours. This went on for a couple months, but early on I started to wonder why we were always at my place. Eventually, I started to question if he had a girlfriend, but neither him or his friends ever mentioned it. One day he kissed me when he left, but came over later that night and told me we needed to 'talk.' We went in my room and then he decided to tell me not only did he have a girlfriend but he lived with her. He told me he really liked me, and he was freaked out and didn't know what to do and blah blah. I never wanted to be or thought I would become the 'other person', but now I have. When I first found out about his relationship, I got really mad and told him I couldn't be his friend. But he had convieniently waited to tell me about his girlfriend until [/b] after I he talked me into working on this project with him. Long story short, we just kept being friends.. and more. As more time went on the situation, naturally, things got worse. I tried to resist being around him as much as I could, and I took all the burdens of our situation and blamed myself for it all. I just wanted him to be happy, and in the process, lost a lot of respect for myself. Being with him, I became something I always said I never would be and I have a lot of resentment towards him because of it. About a month ago, I ended things between us. We talked about the situation and he was telling me he wanted to fix things with us and just be able to be friends. I feel like the whole conversation was completely fake and he was just trying to keep things cool for the last month I was living there, so he could just pretend nothing had ever happened. Some mutual friends found out about us, and I feel like he was just trying to cover his ass so his girlfriend wouldn't find out about us. I was going to tell her, but never got the courage. I moved and just never expected to hear from him again. Now he's contacting me, and I don't know what to do. I care about him so much, but I just want to forget about him.. but I have such a hard time ignoring him. I feel so guilty about what we've done, and I can't stand how awful he's treated his girlfriend and me. He tells me all the time to talk to him about it, but eventually we are just rehashing the same topics over and over. I know a lot of people have been in this situation, but I'm having the hardest time dealing with this and moving on. I feel like there aren't enough word to emphasize how awful I feel about it and how hard it's been to live with. I know I could never trust or be in a relationship with him and I've told him that; so I don't even know what good would really come from staying in touch with him.. but I also miss his company so much. What's the best way to deal with all the **** from this type of situation? I'm sure the pain you feel is just horrible.. I've been in that situation. I was with a MM for a year. He flirted with me for a year before that. But I never wanted to get involved knowing he was married. Well, long story short, we got together. It was most likely the biggest mistake of my life. When we were over, the pain was just too much to deal with. But ya do get over it, and eventually wonder why you even put yourself through it in the first place. You deserve much better. Don't even stay in touch with him. Just cut all ties. You WILL get over it.. trust me. Ad you'll go out and find a single man. One who you can spend more time with.. one who's all yours. You'll actually be able to call his house, without worrying if SHE'S gonna answer the phone. Trust me, in time, you'll be proud that you walked away with your head held high, that YOU walked away from a bad situation..
joodee Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 I would say run as fast as you can. That's how my relationship with MM started, I did not know he was married, then I asked around after awhile and found out he was. By then I like you was hooked. I have been trying to extract myself completely, it's been so hard. One of my friends said you got to do it like ripping off a band-aid, it hurts like heck, but the recovery from the pain will come. I am sorry he deceived you. It's very hard, I too am having a hard time. It's a day to day thing, to say to yourself constantly "I am worth more." What I have done is plan things with my friends, and this week I am going out of town for four days on a busy workshop in a field that I love and will put me in contact with many interesting people. I am also exercising everyday, and I have lost 9 pounds!!! My clothes look better on me. I exercise in the morning so I can get the mind clear, and I write my schedule out for the day so I know I have things to look forward to. When you feel bad, wait an hour before acting on your feeling. That moment of longing will pass, trust me on that one. It make take a whole hour or more, but you will be proud of yourself when you end the day not contacting him. Good luck and take care.
newbby Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 the best way to deal with it is being totally away from it, as far as you can. they can always be so convincing, but the actions never follow through. if he really wants you, he will leave his current gf, if he says he has, you have mutual friends you can check this with. try to move on emotionally from him, i'm quite sure that sometimes these men only feel confident in another relationship because they have this added power of having somebody else, i dont think if they left the current gf/wife they could handle being with the new one. and who knows, if they didnt have that, they might become emotionally needy with us. thats why the exclusive relationship is always a fantasy, we cannot ever know what it would really be like, it doesnt even exist.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by joodee I would say run as fast as you can. Agreed. Look at his track record: by not telling you about the gf, he lived a lie deliberately and consistently when you first met him. He cheated on his gf. There is no reason to think he will be honest, kind or honourable now. In fact, he has already proved that he has a rare talent for the opposite - most of us could never do what he did. Even if we wanted to.
Miffy Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Joodee - some really good ideas, esp excercising in the morning - I bet the day is much better after that. If only I could get my butt outa bed....
shygurl Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 No offense but I have a hard time believing that 2 people would meet and hit it off but it never comes up by either of them, from the start, "so are you involved with anyone? dating anyone else?" - particularly as you were spending so much time together from the start. I would never assume just because I meet a nice guy, who shows mutual interest in me, that he's "single".......you've gotta ask the question. I'm also surprised that it apparently took you 2 months to catch on that something was "amiss"......because he was always going to your place. Surely there had to be a whole whack of other "signs".......like you not having his home phone number (maybe only a cell #), him often being unavailable when you'd call, him coming to your place @ odd hours, not being able to spend many nights or maybe only being able to see you at night and never during the day (like if his live-in girlfriend worked graveyard shifts). A guy doesn't have a live-in girlfriend but be seeing someone else.....for as often as long as he did with you, without there being a whole ton of red flags that something's not adding up. So you were angry when you found out about his alleged lie - but you've remained with him....so you've just sent him a loud and clear message that it's perfectly acceptable behavior to you, to be lied to and mislead and betrayed. You've sent him a message that women are weak and desperate and they don't even care if they'd been disrespected and lied to. Is that the kind of message you want to send to someone who apparently scammed you from the start?
BoatingBabe Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 I would certainly not trust him a second time....He's showed his true colors to you. He is trying to manipulate you again, don't fall into it.
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