Third date gone bad

[Middle]

I met a very attractive, fun woman online a few weeks ago. She is a server in addition to a couple part time jobs... We live in a big city, but I'm new to the area so I'm open to platonic friends as well as dating.

 

On our first two dates, we only had a couple of hours to speak one-on-one. The rest of the time was socializing with her friends. Both dates ended with a hug. I had texted her that I thought she was very attractive, but that I also thought she was a very cool person and hoped to keep in touch regardless of being friends or more than friends.

 

 

Date 3: We were supposed to meet May 4 to go to an event - just the two of us. Instead, things got messed up with her work schedule and I agreed to meet cinco de mayo. Again, she is with a bunch of her friends. We were having a great time - bouncing from place to place - but I drank A LOT, and so did she. Later that night, I walked with her and one of her gay male friends to his apartment. Her and I ended up having sex in his bathroom! (She had called me me over to come in with her and she initiated). I was hardly aware of what was going on. It wasn't that great because of the alcohol and place and I didn't finish. Later, we left, we ended up at a bar (again, I was not very aware - I thought I was taking her to get a cab). Apparently I must've somehow scared her because she basically ran away and hid. Once I figured out that she was trying to get away from me, I promptly left and texted her several times that: I was leaving, I didn't know what had happened to scare her away, that I felt really bad about it, etc. (I would never ever physically harm or force myself on a girl).

 

 

The next day, I texted her that I had drank too much, that I'm not a big drinker, and I wanted to text her in a more sober state - had a great time but didn't really know what happened at the end of the night. She responded, "I agree. We both drank way too much. At the end of the night I didn't feel safe around you and that's why I left." I didn't really know what to say so I waited a day and said, "I understand. And I hate that you felt that way. It's the last thing I'd want. My apologies." That was yesterday. She hasn't responded.

 

 

It all seems like way way too much for a third date, but I'm wondering if it's at all possible to salvage this situation.

[Satu]

Examine your relationship with alcohol, because that is what caused your date to 'go bad.' That applies equally to both of you.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but there's no way of making this any better than it was.

 

 

"One glass of white wine or a pint of lager (approximately two units):

You're talkative and you feel relaxed.

Your self-confidence increases.

Driving ability is already impaired, which is why it is best to drink no alcohol if you're driving.

 

Two glasses of white wine or two pints of lager (approximately four units):

Your blood flow increases.

You feel less inhibited and your attention span is shorter.

You start dehydrating, one of the causes of a hangover.

 

Three glasses of white wine or three pints of lager (approximately six units):

Your reaction time is slower.

Your liver has to work harder.

Your sex drive may increase, while your judgement may decrease."

Source here.

 

 

 

Take care.

[Middle]

Examine your relationship with alcohol, because that is what caused your date to 'go bad.' That applies equally to both of you.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but there's no way of making this any better than it was.

 

 

Take care.

 

It is very rare for me to drink so much. I can't say the same for her, but I think it applies as well (based on previous two dates). I normally go out only once or twice a week and have only a couple of beers. I often go for several weeks or even months without a single drink... It was just that it was cinco de mayo and there were several events going on, and I was trying to be mr sociable - buying drinks and accepting drinks from her and her friends.

[Satu]

Binge drinking is inherently unsafe.

 

The fact that you don't often do it doesn't make it any safer.

 

Lecture concluded.

 

 

You could try apologising again, even though you only carry 50% of the responsibility.

 

 

Maybe it can be salvaged.

[Middle]

Point taken though. I of course know I should have went easier on the alcohol. I'm mostly trying to figure out if it's best to just move on and be glad if she contacts me again, or if I should reach out to her again at some point.

[Satu]

Point taken though. I of course know I should have went easier on the alcohol. I'm mostly trying to figure out if it's best to just move on and be glad if she contacts me again, or if I should reach out to her again at some point.

 

I would reach out and give it one more shot.

[WellHelloThere]

You could tell her that you are sorry she felt unsafe. But you can't think of anything you did that cause that and ask her if you did something or if it was the alcohol that was messing with her feelings. I know that when people get really drunk, they can get really emotional over things that don't make sense.

[Heracles]

I will go against the grain here and say: Stop apologizing. You did enough of that already.

 

Try to meet up with her in a public place of your choice: coffee shop, park, ... for the sole purpose of understanding what she meant by : not feeling safe around you.

When you get the information, find an excuse to leave.

 

I would suggest to try, as much as possible, to refrain from getting too emotional during your encounter and also to prepare yourself mentally for that relationship to be over soon.

I'm not saying it is going to end but you should be prepared in case it does.

 

I find it a little strange that she always meets you with other people around but not one on one

[d0nnivain]

While I'm normally one on here advising people to give things a chance, as a woman, I will tell you that once you feel unsafe around a man, there is rarely a 2nd chance. A sane woman is not going to voluntarily put herself in a dangerous situation. This is not a loss of trust you can rebuild. She's not going to give you the opportunity but the risks far outweigh the rewards.

 

Since we don't know what you said or did & you claim not to remember just assume it was unforgivable. So yes, I think you should move on.

[Middle]

I will go against the grain here and say: Stop apologizing. You did enough of that already.

 

I find it a little strange that she always meets you with other people around but not one on one

 

Re: apologizing.... That's why I waited a day to text her. I wasn't sure if I should apologize. But I finally decided that as a man, I take it as my responsibility to make a date feel safe and secure around me, and that I failed in that responsibility by drinking so much.

 

Re: meetings with her friends... Purely happenstance. Our first date was one on one, but she had told me she was meeting with friends in a couple of hours (small going away work thing for a coworker). She invited me as she was leaving, I sensed that she genuinely wanted my company (wasn't just being polite), and I went. While we were there, she told me about an event she had already planned on going to with friends in a couple of days (a political thing actually). I thought it would be fun/interesting and went too, then we all got lunch afterwards. The last day was planned to be one on one until her work schedule was changed, and then found out a group of her friends were at a restaurant that was very difficult to get a seat at that day (she explicitly told me that she would meet with just me if I preferred that).

Edited May 8, 2016 by Middle

[katiegrl]

So.... this chick beckons you into the bathroom after which SHE proceeds to initiate sex.

 

So being a normal red-blooded healthy guy, you have sex and then she runs and hides from you? Claiming she doesn't feel safe with you?

 

I am sorry this girl sounds paranoid has got some issues (fears) re men, which is probably why she arranged to have her friends around whenever you planned a one on one date.

 

Then runs away after SHE beckoned you into bathroom and SHE initiated sex.

 

Me thinks it's time YOU run away from her ...and dodge this bullet .

 

Doesn't sound like you did nothing wrong. .... again SHE sounds paranoid and has not some major issues.

[Middle]

While I'm normally one on here advising people to give things a chance, as a woman, I will tell you that once you feel unsafe around a man, there is rarely a 2nd chance. A sane woman is not going to voluntarily put herself in a dangerous situation. This is not a loss of trust you can rebuild. She's not going to give you the opportunity but the risks far outweigh the rewards.

 

Since we don't know what you said or did & you claim not to remember just assume it was unforgivable. So yes, I think you should move on.

 

Ok, here's the other part of this. We smoked some pot at her friend's. She is a pot smoker (and I'm cool with that; IMO it's safer/better than alcohol if one were to choose one or the other), I'm mostly not. I smoked a very small amount BC I know I have no tolerance built up (like half a single puff), but it still hit me. That's when I lost track of what was happening and then we hooked up. If it was alcohol alone, I'm sure I would have been much more with it.

 

What I remember was after we left her friends, walking alone with her through some small park in the city - I reached to take her hand, asked if she wanted to come back to my place. She said we hardly knew each other (which is obv true). I'm sure I didn't say or do anything atrocious - nothing aggressively sexual or crass. I think it was just that it was dark, we were alone and not near anybody, she started feeling scared, and I was too drunk to realize it. I imagine I was probably slurring my speech badly. I assumed I was just walking to go get her a cab, but she walked straight into a bar after we got through the park. At the time, again, I was simply oblivious. In retrospect, I think she was scared because I pretty much "wasn't there" and she didn't know what my intentions were - not that I did anything horrible.

Edited May 8, 2016 by Middle

[TXGuy]

I would stop contacting her, even (especially) for apologizing. You run the risk of making this into a bigger deal than it is.

 

You are flirting with a rape charge.

 

You made it clear that you were both too intoxicated to consent. Most of the time, those situations simply fade away and both sides chalk it up to: too much to drink, lesson learned. On occasion, those situations get escalated. When they do, it is the man that is likely to catch a charge, not the woman.

 

I know the above potential outcome should not be the case. It is a small probability. But it is a small probability of something happening that is life destroying (for the man). I would be very careful about the type of apologies you send via (court admissible) texts or emails.

[katiegrl]

I would stop contacting her, even (especially) for apologizing. You run the risk of making this into a bigger deal than it is.

 

You are flirting with a rape charge.

 

You made it clear that you were both too intoxicated to consent. Most of the time, those situations simply fade away and both sides chalk it up to: too much to drink, lesson learned. On occasion, those situations get escalated. When they do, it is the man that is likely to catch a charge, not the woman.

 

I know the above potential outcome should not be the case. It is a small probability. But it is a small probability of something happening that is life destroying (for the man). I would be very careful about the type of apologies you send via (court admissible) texts or emails.

 

Maybe he should cry rape.

 

SHE was the one who beckoned him into the bathroom, SHE was the one who initiated sex.

 

He needs to run, because actually you are right.

 

She sounds so unstable and paranoid, that even tho she initiated it, she could flip the script and blame him.

[preraph]

Sounds like you did something while drunk that you don't remember (making you a blackout drunk, a sure sign of alcoholism). You need to confess you remember sex in the bathroom but ask her to tell you what you did to scare her. You should know in case you need to stop drinking.

[Middle]

So.... this chick beckons you into the bathroom after which SHE proceeds to initiate sex.

 

So being a normal red-blooded healthy guy, you have sex and then she runs and hides from you? Claiming she doesn't feel safe with you?

 

I am sorry this girl sounds paranoid has got some issues (fears) re men, which is probably why she arranged to have her friends around whenever you planned a one on one date.

 

Then runs away after SHE beckoned you into bathroom and SHE initiated sex.

 

Me thinks it's time YOU run away from her ...and dodge this bullet .

 

Doesn't sound like you did nothing wrong. .... again SHE sounds paranoid and has not some major issues.

 

Thanks for saying this. I tend to take all the responsibility when things go bad, and some of that is probably baggage from my last LTR (which ended a year ago; I remember being much more certain of myself before that relationship). So yeah, I think I'm just going to move on, and if she contacts me again I will be receptive, but will approach the situation with caution.