How do I get him back?

[nothingsintheflowerz]

About 2 months ago, I was in a relationship for two years until very recently with a 26/m. I stayed on my college campus for the first time on a weekend since we broke up. I had messaged another guy who I was only acquaintances with on a Thursday, wishing him good luck studying abroad because I thought he had already left. It turned out he hadn't, and he asked me to get a meal with him at the dining hall.

 

I didn't expect for things to escalate, but we literally spent 12PM on a Saturday together, had lunch, talked for hours, watched two movies, cuddled, hooked up a little bit (not a lot because I was on my period) and then cuddled and fell asleep together in the center we had watched the movie in. It was very obvious he liked me, in my opinion, because he seemed nervous and complimented me in subtle ways. Then, we woke up at 8AM and watched the sunrise. Then, he literally just held me in his arms. He also kissed me on my forehead two times. (Lol, sorry I remember all these little details).

 

We stayed together until 10:30AM this next day, two and a half hours before he had to leave for the airport. We hugged twice and said goodbye. I don't know...it was really weird because we had just really met each other, but yet we had such a strong connection. He later messaged me saying that he had a great time with me, that he will miss me, and that if I ever need anything, let him know. We also texted and when I told him that I was sorry we couldn't do anything, he told me that it's okay and that he enjoyed "even just talking to me" and asked me to tell him what I'm doing over the summer because he might be in my area. When I mentioned us watching scary movies again, he wrote "Lol yeah, I can't wait".

 

 

 

Fast forward to now. The entire two months after he had left for Ireland, I ended up initiating all contact through Facebook. After about a month, I noticed he was very distant. I thought we were going to be friends obviously while he was away, and was not trying to begin a relationship from abroad. He responded to me saying "i'm sorry i've been slightly overbearing, it's just overwhelming to meet such a nice guy after being treated like **** so long" saying he's not ready for something serious and that he wants to keep talking to me. I said, I wouldn't expect you to be since we just met, but we can stop talking and not hang out if you want. That's when he said of course he wants to. We both revealed we just recently got out of long-term relationships and don't want to rush into anything. This is where the miscommunication came.

 

Summary with some parts left out:

I asked him why he thought I was expecting anything from him when he said he didn't want to create any false expectations, when I've been the one putting in the most effort. It had some attitude to it, and after four days of me not talking to him now, he deactivated his Facebook. A girl that knows him on campus told me I should email him...I emailed him that I'm always here as a friend whether to take it slow, start over, or be platonic and said I genuinely cared about him every time I reached out to him, and to enjoy the rest of his semester.

 

I have bipolar disorder and relationship stress/feelings of rejection often send me into a manic episode. I was already off from school because of it when he finally messaged me about two weeks later...saying that he appreciates my friendship and me not expecting anything in return. That's when I told him some delusions/drama/grandiose thinking patterns due to hypomania.

 

I told him I really liked him a lot and had for a long time and couldn't do anything about it, but I also would love to just be his friend. The long time part was a lie because of mania. Then I kept saying I don't care, because I was upset that I had been sent into hypomania because of it. And that it was his loss if he went back to his ex. And so we made a plan...we agreed that we liked each other and would be friends who like each other for now, and then try to take things slow when he got back to campus, unless he went back with his ex, who he said he isn't over. He said we should videochat to make sure we're clear about everything we talked about, but I felt kind of weird about the fact I was basically a second option..

 

So I messaged him after we got offline, "I really do care about you so maybe we should stop talking now so we don't complicate that relationship"

 

I wish I had never said this, because I realize now I wanted to talk to him. And I was in hypomania. He said after two days of thinking about it I guess, "I think maybe you're right...I wish things could have worked out differently." This is when the hypomania was really, really bad. I had grandiose visions of myself completely. I would have NEVER sent this if I hadn't been hypomanic. I sent him frighteningly long messages, probably about half a page on a word document over the day, first immediately saying "Why would you go back to someone who would give up on you like that? Seriously. You deserve better. We are young. It's not a big deal to date different people but...I honestly know from my past relationships that things have a way of working out. But, the ex always wins over the new girl anyway. More history there. Okay, take care...When you want to be treated the way you deserve, you know where to find me. <3 "

 

As if that wasn't enough. Then, I said sorry I got so upset, it's really not a big deal. And I said he could tell me when he gets back so we can hang out, and we can definitely be friends because I have too many values to cheat. And then I went into how if his ex is secure, she won't mind. And then I said that I really like him as a person too and that I think he's great and deserved to be happy. And that the women our age are so insecure that they feel they want to jump into relationships with people without even really knowing the person first, and that we don't have to be together. I sent, as I said, many messages...and then he never answered. So at the end I said, before blocking him to keep myself from sending more messages.. "As you can see, I'm a very dedicated friend. I'm always the more mature person in all my relationships who actually tries to work through conflict. If it didn't lead to anything serious, I'd be surprised. But if it didn't, I don't care" which alluded to him asking me if it's okay if it didn't lead to anything serious, and i guess still had my apathetic attitude because I was upset about my awareness that this had sent me into hypomania.

 

After a week and when I was out of mania, I didn't unblock him because re-friend requesting is always awkward. I sent him this email instead:

 

Hey! I have a good idea Can we still video chat? Maybe this weekend? I'm free on Sunday but I also have Fridays off. And I'm sorry I got so upset; I can explain more of that later. Like I'm really okay with us not being together but because you said you wish things could have worked out differently, I think they still can.

Your friend,

(my name)

 

 

 

 

 

I wanted to explain to him that I was in mania and that I apologize for my attitude and my making him uncomfortable. I wanted to explain that we should be platonic friends anyway and get to know each other, and maybe if we date other people but stay friends, down the road, it can work out...I sent that 6 days ago and he never responded.

 

 

 

I don't know guys. I'm so hurt. ...I think it's because I was at least looking forward to being friends...the only reason I really made it physical was because I knew he liked me. And he was so nervous around me, and so scared. It was cute. And then I guess I decided that it would be cool to get physical. But the thing is, I can be without it. That's another reason why I wanted to take things slow. I really love him as a person. And I don't know how to get him to be my friend. I think this situation was bigger than it ever needed to be. Partially because of me initiating contact too much, his shyness and awkwardness, and last but certainly not least, my crazy manic stage. I want to be friends? I want to talk to him. I want us to keep getting to know each other. We really connected so much emotionally when we were talking...did I scare him off? And how do I get him to respond to me. If he never responds, should I approach him on campus? I know I should probably let it go but I'm hurting so much..

 

 

 

Btw: His ex friend requested me on facebook recently in the last week or so by the way..we're all on the same college campus so, it could be a coincidence. But I wonder what you guys think about that too...if that factors into it at all.

 

 

 

Thanks.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry but I think you scared him away. This was exhausting to read - so I can't imagine what it was like for him to experience it. And even when you came down from your manic episode, you were still pushing friendship.

 

He knows that it's not just basic friendship you want and this is why he told you to not expect anything. Yes, you're saying all the things to have us and him believe you just want a simple friendship, but would you get this intense with a new female friend? I'm guessing not.

 

There is probably no recovering from this. The best thing to do at this point is discuss this with your psychiatrist and see if your meds need tweaking.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

but I actually *would* like a friendship...I think part of it is because I don't have a lot of friends on campus and he was one of the first people I connected with at all. is there really no way once he gets back on campus that I can approach him to be friends? i'm so disappointed...

[SoleMate]

I want to gently echo the suggestion above that you get your meds tweaked. Also please be seeing someone at least weekly for cognitive therapy, behavior tuning, etc. Obviously you want friends and a lover, and I'm sure you have a lot to offer, and it's important to realize just how overwhelming, frightening, and offputting this kind of overzealous communication can be.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

thank you for your suggestion; i got my meds tweaked and have been stabilized, having weekly psychiatrist appointments, etc.

 

1. what do you mean that I have a lot to offer?

2. I totally understand that my communication was over the top...I want to explain that I had a manic episode when he gets back on campus...is this not a good idea? I don't understand how a guy who liked me so much he was nervous around me, could go from not even wanting to talk to me just because of that...

3. i'm not even that sexually attracted to him and would really not mind being friends. i would prefer that actually

[Eighty_nine]

Maybe sometime in the future he'd reconnect with you, but it's very difficult to recover after you've sent really excessive messages and reached out many times. This pushes men away and is often not fixable. The best thing you can do is stop reaching out to him (completely, no social media likes, no messages emails or anything) and assume your friendship and connection with him is over. In time he might reach out to communicate with you again (it's happened to me, after I thought I messed things up for good, but was almost a year until he reached out) but you really have to assume it's over for good so that you can heal. I don't think bipolar disorder is required to overcommunicate; many women do it to some extent in their young dating life. Don't beat yourself up about it, but do learn from it.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Hey,

I had a manic episode from the time of 3/15/16 to 4/2/16. During that time, I might have offended you, scared you, or generally acted uncharacteristically. There are many symptoms that related to this that I’m sure if you researched, would explain this a great deal. Thank you so much for your understanding.

 

Sincerely,

(my name)

 

or is it not even worth it?

[d0nnivain]

Stop chasing him.

 

 

You did not have an amazing connection. You had a ONS. He wanted a warm body. You supplied that & because you were already rebounding from the other break up you projected way too much on this guy who simply wanted a physical release before he left the country. (Yes I am aware that you didn't have sex but my point still stands)

 

 

Going forward, realize that one night no matter how intense does not a relationship make.

 

 

Grieve both of your losses. Take some time to figure out why you get so attached so quickly so you can stop doing this to yourself.

 

 

Do not send the note you are considering. He already thinks you are too nutty to bother with. To give him confirmation that you have a diagnosed condition will only make him think he dodged a bullet by running away from you. It will not make him come back.

 

 

Simply leave him be.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

thank you for your response; i will definitely leave him alone. does it change things if i had already told him i had bipolar disorder when we met, and we talked about it?

[abby_tx]

I am cringing at the part where you apologized for not being able to have sex because you were on your period. NEVER apologize for this again. You're not required to give guy sex, especially on a first date. Ugh.

 

Also, yeah. You sound a bit too much. You need to relax, something that will get easier as you have more experience with love and rejection.

[abby_tx]

You did not have an amazing connection. You had a ONS. He wanted a warm body. You supplied that & because you were already rebounding from the other break up you projected way too much on this guy who simply wanted a physical release before he left the country. (Yes I am aware that you didn't have sex but my point still stands)

 

This. I think it only felt like it had some magnitude because he was leaving the next day.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

i understand how it could be perceived as a ONS but he had also liked me and i noticed it, and then emphasized that he was particularly glad that we had eaten brunch together when we were texting later...was that just game?

[d0nnivain]

He knew he was leaving so yes it was just a game. You were already hurt & rebounding so you read so much more into it.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

do you think he will eventually reach back out to me?

[ExpatInItaly]

Girl.

 

Get yourself healthy. Mania or not, you've pushed him away. It was difficult to read how many rambling messages and apologies you've sent. He gets it - you're not in an emotionally good place at the moment. This was essentially a one-night stand that spiraled out of control. He tried to be gentle with you and tell you to back off. Please heed that.

 

Leave him alone now. I wouldn't expect to hear from him again, but honestly that shouldn't be your focus anyway.

[basil67]

but I actually *would* like a friendship...I think part of it is because I don't have a lot of friends on campus and he was one of the first people I connected with at all. is there really no way once he gets back on campus that I can approach him to be friends? i'm so disappointed...

 

Have you ever acted this way when you've found a woman that you'd love to be close friends with? I suspect not.

 

However, if it is purely friendship you want, guys don't do those close types of friendships. If you'd have been OK with someone who pings you every few months for a catch up, a friendship could have worked with him - but your pushing of him made it clear that you want *close* friendship. And he doesn't want that.

 

Many people meet a nice person and enjoy talking with them for the night. But it doesn't mean that they want to add this person to their friend circle. This guy probably already got enough friends where you are and is in the process of making new friends where he is now. A close long distance friendship with a woman he barely knows (and who has been far too pushy!) is simply not on his radar.

 

Just let him go. No more messages

[basil67]

i understand how it could be perceived as a ONS but he had also liked me and i noticed it, and then emphasized that he was particularly glad that we had eaten brunch together when we were texting later...was that just game?

 

If by 'game' you mean 'was he playing me', I think not. As I said in your previous post, I think this was like a holiday romance. It was lovely to spend time together, but you know that it's just a temporary thing which you'll move on from.

[Erik30]

2. I totally understand that my communication was over the top...I want to explain that I had a manic episode when he gets back on campus...is this not a good idea? I don't understand how a guy who liked me so much he was nervous around me, could go from not even wanting to talk to me just because of that...

 

Sorry, but like the others already said, you probably scared him off. And yes, those messages can be a real turn off, it doesn't matter how much he liked you before that.

 

I guess for him it seems to be way too much to deal with, especially since he just met you.

He might think that's the "real" you. Even if you would explain that you had a manic episode, it's difficult for most people to fully understand something like that, and you two didn't really have a connection before it happened. (Other than that one night)

[ChickiePops]

I don't doubt that there was a spark in that initial first night, but he DID have you in his mind as a back up plan to his ex (to be fair, he essentially told you this), and as the others have said, I'm sorry but I think he's gone for good. Get yourself healthy before you date again and best of luck.

[Emilia]

thank you for your suggestion; i got my meds tweaked and have been stabilized, having weekly psychiatrist appointments, etc.

 

1. what do you mean that I have a lot to offer?

2. I totally understand that my communication was over the top...I want to explain that I had a manic episode when he gets back on campus...is this not a good idea? I don't understand how a guy who liked me so much he was nervous around me, could go from not even wanting to talk to me just because of that...

3. i'm not even that sexually attracted to him and would really not mind being friends. i would prefer that actually

 

thank you for your response; i will definitely leave him alone. does it change things if i had already told him i had bipolar disorder when we met, and we talked about it?

People don't want to deal with it, regardless of the name. It's exhausting. Make sure your meds are fine and that you are making good progress. You need to get better.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Okay, so this is a ridiculous story that I know will make some of you roll your eyes. However, I cannot get over it.

 

I met this guy at the small college I go to who very obviously liked me; he was really nervous around me, etc. So once I broke up with my ex-bf, I contacted him and we hung out. We spent hours together talking, then watching movies, then cuddling; the physical part was much more intimate than hooking up. We exchanged numbers, we said he'd miss me because only a couple hours later, he left to go study abroad. It was great. We watched the sun come up...he held me in his arms...it was almost too good to be true.

 

And I guess it was, because we messaged for a few days until he got to his abroad location, and he became very distant. He never initiated contact. I found out that he had just gotten out of a relationship too (i can't believe it; the way he was acting towards me i couldn't even tell!)

 

At this point, I overcommunicated so much you guys...I tried to tell him that I wouldn't mind being friends at all. We tried setting up a plan where we'd talk and then if he got back with his ex we would accept we wouldn't be together, but I decided not to be a backup plan and said that we should stop talking. I didn't mean talking completely though! I meant "talking" as in the millennial urban dictionary version. Or maybe I did mean that at first, but my one selfish thing is, honestly, that I still want to talk to him.

 

After me sending a lot of messages, and I mean A LOT, also because I'm sad and don't have a lot of friends here and honestly only made it physical because I thought he liked me and wanted it, he told me that he doesn't want a relationship with me and that he doesn't "think it's a good idea" to be my friend either. I went off. And now we're done talking for good.

 

 

MIND YOU, THIS WAS ALL OVER INSTANT MESSAGING. He's still studying abroad.

 

Writing that just now makes me feel pathetic...I know what I'd tell myself (Girl, have some self-respect and move on.) And I want to, but I am honestly in love with him. Not because he's a rebound, because there are other guys I could potentially date. I am so in love that not being his friend at least is crushing me. Would it be a bad idea to approach on campus? Also, why doesn't he think it's a good idea? I heard that his ex and him have been videochatting and I know she might be cold towards him because of what he did with me, but that isn't even any of my business. It is crazy that we only hung out once and because of my ridiculous self not considering simply not messaging him, now, he doesn't want to talk to me at all. I feel like a face-to-face conversation would be best.

 

Thanks for your help....sorry this is ridiculous. I feel like an idiot

[d0nnivain]

You are not an idiot. However, you can't contact him.

 

 

What happened was you were upset over the break up of your relationship. You never emotionally processed that loss. Instead you have an incredible night with this guy who then went off to Ireland. You took all of your intense unresolved feelings for your EX & put them on this guy. You made yourself believe that the connection was stronger then it was. Then you shot yourself in the foot by sending him all these needy pathetic messages. To you he was a grand connection. To him you were the kooky girl he spent one night with & now wants nothing to do with because he thinks you are a Stage 5 Cling-on and waaaaayyyy more trouble then you are worth. Chasing him will only bring more pain and humiliation on you.

 

 

Stop chasing him. Lick your wounds. Get yourself together even if that involves therapy & move forward from there.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh: you right! lol, i'm feeling a lot better after reading that.