ksh Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 I am having some problems coping with my relation, during half a year we somehow managed to get to the relationship but the whole thing somehow feels strange, due to one fundamental difference between us: i cope with my emotions and am able to express them without problems, while she is like... introverted. Highly intelligent, down to earth, 9 years younger, very reluctant to express any feelings, sometimes even mood killer with some sarcastic comment when i am getting too much into romantic mood, but at some points, like when cuddling, she is sweet and gentle. But again not always. Sometimes we text over the computer for hours, sometimes she ignores me for whole weekend. She will internally chew whatever comes into the relationship and sometimes draw wrong conclusions without discussing but on the other side we are match on intellectual levels to the point where I don't even want to think about dating someone else (and I am somehow not having a problems with opposite sex at all, but she is different). What is fundamentally killing me is that from what i have learned in my life (35), she is triggering all the red flags possible due to her inability to express feelings or talk to me, on the other side i know I often misinterpret her, subconsciously searching for some signs which i would expect from any """normal""" woman. And it is killing me, that i am unable to read her. It is somehow confusing for me. Oh and if it helps, MBTI, I am ENTP, she is INTJ. Someone had similar experiences with some woman? Some suggestion how to break/fix/calm/... this difference, or how to handle it?
BikerAccnt Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 The hot and cold of the relationship will eventually kill it. For whatever reason, she's not able to open up to you. Be it her own issues, or she's unsure of how she feels about you. I just recently ended a relationship of 2 years for the same reason. Over the entire period,looking back at it, it was a hot /cold relationship. She would be perfectly fine when we were together, but, then could go days with no communication. She had the most difficult time, opening up enough to trust. If you desire more, have expressed that to her, and it doesn't change, it's not likely too. I don't know that this is something you can fix. She is who she is. Maybe over time she'll grow to trust you enough to be completely open with you. But if not, you'll need to decide your time limit on the relationship. For me, it ended up being two years. It should have been sooner.
Wave Rider Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 I'd say it's a textbook anxious-avoidant relationship as described by attachment theory, which is a model I like. I had a very similar experience with a woman who was INTJ, and I am INTP. This one isn't really about MB types, though. Same thing as you: hot and cold, she wouldn't share her feelings, she'd be affectionate and then pull away, she was always analyzing things and often came to the wrong conclusion. I was the hopeless romantic, and I was in touch with my feelings, sensual, and expressive. She was cut off from her own feelings, and half the time I don't think that she even knew what she was feeling. She'd put out the fire just at the moment when things were starting to go well. It was endlessly frustrating. I'm trying Imago therapy to solve this problem, because trying to develop secure attachment on my own hasn't worked well. 1
Satu Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 Hot + Cold = Lukewarm Not very satisfying in the long term. 1
Author ksh Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 I'd say it's a textbook anxious-avoidant relationship as described by attachment theory, which is a model I like. I had a very similar experience with a woman who was INTJ, and I am INTP. This one isn't really about MB types, though. Same thing as you: hot and cold, she wouldn't share her feelings, she'd be affectionate and then pull away, she was always analyzing things and often came to the wrong conclusion. I was the hopeless romantic, and I was in touch with my feelings, sensual, and expressive. She was cut off from her own feelings, and half the time I don't think that she even knew what she was feeling. She'd put out the fire just at the moment when things were starting to go well. It was endlessly frustrating. I'm trying Imago therapy to solve this problem, because trying to develop secure attachment on my own hasn't worked well. Uhhh... i have googled about anxious-avoidant attachment and this seems just... familiar. I tryed to contact you on private message about some details but unfortunately i cant access them
Wave Rider Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Uhhh... i have googled about anxious-avoidant attachment and this seems just... familiar. I tryed to contact you on private message about some details but unfortunately i cant access them Yeah, I'm new to this forum. Do I have to pay for a subscription to get private messages?
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