Jump to content

Disappointed in so-called 'friends'

Offspring

By Offspring
in Friendship

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Offspring Established Member

Offspring

Posted
Posted (edited)

I don't to whinge, but lately i've been feeling it's a one-way street between my so called friends and myself (two of them). Eg, i help them and listen to them almost endlessly about their "problems" / fears / anxieties etc., however, i don't think that i get the same in return.

 

Example - i gave up drinking alcohol about 11 weeks ago. A big step for me, as i was drinking almost nightly and it was taking a toll on my wellbeing. These two so-called friends? Not ONE word of support from either of them, and they have NEVER asked me how I am going with it, despite me listening to one of them for 2 years about her dysfunctional crappy relationship, and the other about her anxiety disorder for weeks and messaging her to see how she is going and trying to cheer her up.

 

I don't think i am asking too much and have recently decided i am sick of feeling drained by them and to be honest, I am sick of listening to people's problems... The only reason I have become like this is that a family member committed suicide years ago, and I resolved never to let anyone be upset around me. But it is taking a toll on my life, because I feel used and taken advantage of. I want my SELF RESPECT back! And, i've finally learned not to feel too guilty about the suicide.

 

I don't want to be criticized and bagged on this forum, but I struggle enough with my own issues and my work place is often disruptive, so I do not need their rubbish in my life anymore. I guess i've also felt desperate for friends in the past and my way of keeping them has been doing this, for fear of losing them, but I know I am selling myself short.

 

I know what i've got to do and that is to regain my self-respect, set boundaries and get on with my life.

Edited by Offspring
  • Like 1
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Everybody has relationship issues so it's easier for people to listen to each other about that stuff

 

 

Your decision to quit drinking is commendable. Good for you. That said your friends may think or worry you have a substance abuse problem & they are not equipped to handle that. Plus you quitting may make them look at their own habits in a new light & if they were your drinking buddies they may not like what they see relative to your sobriety so they are distancing themselves.

 

 

It's a transition but remember they are your friends not your therapists.

 

 

Do tell them what you want from them before you completely write them off

  • Like 3
Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

Offspring,

 

I know what i've got to do and that is to regain my self-respect, set boundaries and get on with my life.

 

Excellent !:)

 

So put this into practice.

 

It's better to be alone than to be with so-called "friends" that don't support you in your quest for self-improvement.

 

Maybe these "friends" are part of the "bar scene" and don't like the idea that you've moved on to a more healthy lifestyle.

 

Some people are just users - they expect you to be there when they want you, but then don't reciprocate when you need support. I agree that maybe you need to have a serious talk with these friends and tell them that you feel unsupported and let down. If they try to minimise your situation then maybe you need to let them go.

 

We gravitate towards, and attract people who are at the same level of emotional, spiritual and psychological development as we are. So if you are growing and maturing as a person then maybe these friends aren't contributing to your life in any meaningful way?

 

Perhaps it's time to move on, only you can decide what is right for you.

 

Good luck x

  • Like 1
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

I know a few recovering alcoholics and one thing that happens is when you quit it often means giving up or putting some distance between you and your old friends. They probably don't like that you're not available to party anymore. I can understand that to a degree, but on the other hand, if you think you had a problem that needed to be fixed, they should respect that. It doesn't mean they shouldn't drink around you, because that's an unreasonable expectation, but it would be nice if they did at least part of the time. I hope you are in AA. It helps you not only make new friends but also understand how this affects your friends and family and gives you support through that. So if you're not in AA, go if for no other reason than that.

 

When I was young, I was a big partier, and I wouldn't have had much reason to hang around frequently with someone totally different. So I get it going both ways. But some people can do that and some people can't do that and have to quit to save their own lives, and a good friend who has any sense will respect that.

 

Limit your involvement. Make sure they each understand you needed to do this. Make sure they understand you're not trying to get them to do the same. See who steps up and tries to be supportive.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Offspring Established Member

Offspring

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
they are your friends not your therapists.

 

Thank goodness for that! I could think of better careers for them, bless their cotton socks.

 

Thanks d0nnivain ;)

Edited by Offspring
  • Like 1
mrs rubble Established Member

mrs rubble

Posted
Posted

Well done on giving up the booze, I've done the same.

 

I've found my friends, and family don't mention my efforts at all either, I know for fact this is because most of them could also do with giving up and if they mention how well I'm doing it'll make them look bad.

 

Now we are alcohol free our feelings are raw and real, not hidden behind a fog anymore, so you are probably seeing aspects of friendships differently now.

 

I recommend reading "Mrs.D is going without" google it, its an online blog of a woman who gave up drinking. I found it really helpful, there are also links to a lot of other reading material and ideas to help you stay sober.

  • Like 1
todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted

theres this god quote where it says dont judge you dont know what storm i have asked her to walk through.....i think this quote should be applicable to friends when they just dont seem to be listening or seem to really care....we dont know what they are keeping quiet what is them......just like you probably dont really talk about your efforts in sobriety...and how hard it is...you just do it and with commendable and thoughtful ways ...you listen to others storms while walking through your own storm......maybe they are being insensitive wrapped up in their own cyclones.....

 

be honest with them tell them how you are feeling with your sobriety and open up about how you feel that's part of true friendship......and congratulations......smilin.....i wish you peace...deb

  • Like 1
BelleSkye Established Member

BelleSkye

Posted
Posted

Op - maybe they don't ask about your quit-drinking achievement because...they don't see it as a big problem or achievement in your life? That you have it under control so there is no need to talk about it?

 

I agree with the other posters - chat with your friends first and see what happens.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Offspring Established Member

Offspring

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Well done on giving up the booze, I've done the same.

 

I've found my friends, and family don't mention my efforts at all either, I know for fact this is because most of them could also do with giving up and if they mention how well I'm doing it'll make them look bad.

 

Now we are alcohol free our feelings are raw and real, not hidden behind a fog anymore, so you are probably seeing aspects of friendships differently now.

 

I recommend reading "Mrs.D is going without" google it, its an online blog of a woman who gave up drinking. I found it really helpful, there are also links to a lot of other reading material and ideas to help you stay sober.

 

Thanks mrs rubble. Congratulations on your sobrity too. These two friends are problem drinkers, imo. Even though they've said they don't drink often, they both use it as therapy. Isn't it amazing how people equate frequency with problem? It's not the case.

 

But, yeah, i've learned to be strong and i'm learning to take better care of myself. I'll check out that link you recommended, thanks.

  • Like 1
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted
These two friends are problem drinkers, imo.

 

 

You answered your own Q. They aren't supporting you because if they celebrated your sobriety they would be forced to confront head on their own drinking.

 

 

Now that you have changed, you are going to necessarily drift apart because your recreational choices are no longer in sync

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...