Walked in on him... Now what do I do? **Updated**

[Satu]

You're only making this harder for yourself, by grabbing onto somebody else.

 

It adds another layer of complexity.

 

Spend some time by yourself, decompressing and getting peaceful inside.

 

Sit in the park.

 

Feed the birds.

 

Nobody else can make you feel better.

 

Only you can make yourself feel better.

 

Trying to use somebody else to get away from the pain won't work, and will only leave you feeling degraded.

 

 

Here's a snip from my journals:

 

 

"Spending time alone helps us find the happiness inside ourselves, where it was all along.

 

Spend *more* time alone with yourself, if you want to overcome your loneliness."

 

 

"Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone."

 

- Paul Tillich.

 

 

Take care.

Edited May 21, 2016 by Satu

[ForeverAlone2016]

All I can say is hang in there.

 

In terms of the timeline, me and you are in exactly the same place. I tried to rebound as well. It DOES NOT WORK. It only leaves you thinking about all the good times you had with your ex, and the whole process just becomes a game of 'compare and contrast'.

 

Divert your mind. Focus on yourself. Take yourself out on a date. Your mind wanders when you are alone (typically early in the morning and late at night). Plan things for these times and make the most of yourself. You are worth it

[Leesherloo]

My ex and I broke up on 5/2. I caught him cheating and then went MIA- didn't answer his texts... Just cut him off. Well yesterday, I went and creeped on his facebook and he's now with the girl he cheated on me with. I flew off the handle... Texted him a long message about how disgusting he is and how bad of a person he is. Just basically telling him that I hope he grows the **** up and learns to be a man... Even went as far as to say that I hope he never has children because he will abandon them just like his father abandoned him. No response... And I wasn't expecting one because I basically degraded him so low, and he of course doesn't care lol. I think by going no contact early on really ended up hurting me because I didn't get to close off my feelings and tell him how I truly felt. I finally was able to do thAt, unfortunately in a horribly mean and angry way, but that is how I feel and I thought he should know. At the end I just told him to please block my number. I'm up right now because I can't stop obsessing on whether or not I should have sent it, but I already have, there's no going back. It's been a month and I've never felt this much pain over a breakup this long.... I can't do this any longer. I ****ing hate him and I have no way of releasing this.

[Blanco]

You can block his number.

 

Seek counseling and process everything you're going through. It probably felt good to tell him off, but ultimately, it didn't do anything. You're still filled with hatred and anger for him. Which isn't necessarily wrong, mind you. It's just that you already see how breaking NC didn't really do much aside from maybe give him and his friends a chuckle.

[Leesherloo]

I just said that in the message so he would know not to respond to me. I think saying he and his friends are chuckling about it would be going a little far. He deserves to know the pain he's put me through. And he WILL get his time with pain, even if I didn't cause it. I am already deeply ashamed and now I just feel even worse. Thanks for your response.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I feel your pain. I was betrayed by my ex-boyfriend after 7.5 years together, and while I didn't actually catch him in the act, the pain of the deception was deep. My heart goes out to you for having to deal with this.

 

It's very frustrating when you feel like there's no way to really express your pain to the person who hurt you. I know. And the truth is that if they are able to betray you like that, they won't fully get it anyway. What's done is done, and you should not dwell much on whether or not you should have sent it. I don't think it will change anything on his end; you just have to accept it for yourself. We all have emotional moments. In the grand scheme of things, I think most could understand why you lashed out in that way.

 

Block him on FB so you cannot take a peek. Block his number on your phone. You can see now that any type of continued contact is unhealthy for you and detrimental to your healing. Vent here. And someday you will be glad he showed his true colours so early, freeing you up to find a man who actually deserves you.

[Buddhist]

We had called eachother "twins" at one point- we would finish eachothers sentences and I had never felt smitten. He was so romantic- wanted to do everything for me. Of course, in the honeymoon stage that is all to be expected. Unfortunately, it didn't last very long. We moved very fast, but it felt right to the both of us, we were madly in love.

 

Okay, this is the classic relationship pattern of the narcissist. They watch you very closely and instantly mirror you, making you believe you've found your male alter ego. It's always suspicious when you are like 'twins' because real people aren't like that.

 

In such a way we were so smitten yet he loved to fight with me. He loved creating turmoil in the relationship, and never understood why. He never wanted to talk about his emotions, and when I tried to get a little bit deeper with him, he completely stonewalled me. .....At least I thought our love was mutual.

 

Yes, still the relationship pattern of the narcissist. They love making trouble, they love getting emotional reactions from you but they can't express theirs because....they are NOT emotionally invested. They can act like they are in love but they aren't in love....with you.

 

So about 2 weeks ago, we decided to get an apartment together.

 

The devaluation phase starts as soon as you are committed. Once he know's you are not going anywhere that is when the 'love' is instantly shut off and he's off to find the next one.

 

And to make this long story short, I found myself this Monday morning going out to his town and went to Eric and Jamie's house and found him in bed with Erics sister. He had no remorse. He couldn't even tell me that he loved me, he said, "I thought I truly did".

 

He never loved you because narcissists cannot love.

 

I want him to realize the pain he's caused, and I have an overwhelming sense of wanting revenge, but I know I can't. I just want him to regret what he's done and who he's lost.

 

That will NEVER happen. He feels completely entitled to his actions and always will. You need to get your own closure and leave this one in the dust. Wanting him to have a conscience will only destroy you. He has none. Your closure is in tucking away this little bit of information about how people who are narcissistic behave so you don't end up with another one.

[keiji]

My ex and I broke up on 5/2. I caught him cheating and then went MIA- didn't answer his texts... Just cut him off. Well yesterday, I went and creeped on his facebook and he's now with the girl he cheated on me with. I flew off the handle... Texted him a long message about how disgusting he is and how bad of a person he is. Just basically telling him that I hope he grows the **** up and learns to be a man... Even went as far as to say that I hope he never has children because he will abandon them just like his father abandoned him. No response... And I wasn't expecting one because I basically degraded him so low, and he of course doesn't care lol. I think by going no contact early on really ended up hurting me because I didn't get to close off my feelings and tell him how I truly felt. I finally was able to do thAt, unfortunately in a horribly mean and angry way, but that is how I feel and I thought he should know. At the end I just told him to please block my number. I'm up right now because I can't stop obsessing on whether or not I should have sent it, but I already have, there's no going back. It's been a month and I've never felt this much pain over a breakup this long.... I can't do this any longer. I ****ing hate him and I have no way of releasing this.

 

Considering that he cheated on you, it would be unnatural if you didn't feel anger. Minus the fatherhood remark, which was obviously too much (caused by rage, I totally understand), you felt the need to get it off your chest and you did. The problem is he'll never admit his own flaws or wrongdoings. Perhaps in a million years, but don't count on it. I tried with my ex-g too, and she did nothing wrong. I'm responsible for 100% of the things that led to our breakup and I play the victim when I complain. It's easier for some people to exile the blame (or responsibility) as far away from them as possible. Trying to have them admit their faults can be incredibly frustrating and even if they did, what would you accomplish?

 

It's only been a month since the breakup. Be patient. A mourning process needs quite a long period of reflection and processing.

Edited May 31, 2016 by keiji

[acrosstheuniverse]

A month is no time at all, give yourself a break. You're trying to rush through the process because the pain is so great, yet you're shooting yourself in the foot by doing stuff like going on his social media pages, all that does is keep re opening a wound that's trying to heal.

 

So what if he's with this girl? They sound made for each other. What has she really achieved? Ending up with a cheater? You, meanwhile, are now free to enjoy your life alone or with someone who doesn't disrespect you. This guy isn't worth a backward glance.

 

Let yourself grieve but seriously, take control back and instead of kicking off at him (which gives him the satisfaction of knowing you're still into him and care despite what he did to you) block him YOURSELF everywhere. Remove temptation. Let him move on and do the same. You're worth more than this. It's like you're drinking poison and expecting him to be harmed.

 

This stuff takes time but there's a lot you can do to move on faster, no contact being essential. Make sure you block everywhere. I had a horrific break up late 2012 and thinking back, I was still having the occasional crying fit a whole YEAR later (once per month or two by that stage) even though I wouldn't have taken him back if he'd pleaded. It's a loss. It took me two years from losing my Mom to stop grieving intensely, this is also a loss so why would you be feeling great within the month? We've lived to tell the tale and you will too xx

[tinkerbell16]

Okay, this is the classic relationship pattern of the narcissist. They watch you very closely and instantly mirror you, making you believe you've found your male alter ego. It's always suspicious when you are like 'twins' because real people aren't like that.

 

 

 

Yes, still the relationship pattern of the narcissist. They love making trouble, they love getting emotional reactions from you but they can't express theirs because....they are NOT emotionally invested. They can act like they are in love but they aren't in love....with you.

 

 

 

The devaluation phase starts as soon as you are committed. Once he know's you are not going anywhere that is when the 'love' is instantly shut off and he's off to find the next one.

 

 

 

He never loved you because narcissists cannot love.

 

 

 

That will NEVER happen. He feels completely entitled to his actions and always will. You need to get your own closure and leave this one in the dust. Wanting him to have a conscience will only destroy you. He has none. Your closure is in tucking away this little bit of information about how people who are narcissistic behave so you don't end up with another one.

 

100% agree. Narcissistic traits. Give the new relationship approx 7-8 month as well. They tend to cycle at similar pace depending upon how much the partner feeds their ego

[stillafool]

At the end I just told him to please block my number.

 

Don't wait for him to block you, block him. You had every right to be angry so don't be too hard on yourself. What he did to you was a lot worse. At least you got your closure, now block him and stop looking at his FB.

[privategal]

I expressed MOUNTAINS of rage...many times afterward. Lost my self emotionally and lashed out. Then felt bad. Weve all been there.

You handled it the best you could and deserve to do or say what you feel within reason. Do not judge or blame yourself. Its going to hurt deeply for a good while.

Close all social media and block.

Im so sorry for your pain.

Be kind to you.

He lost you...not the other way around.

Who would want a lowlife cheating jerk who threw away loyalty and love.

He has to live with that.

You are free.

[Leesherloo]

Extremely pissed right now. My ex and I have had a brief lapse of speaking- all of it has still been very negative. After sending him a page long text about how much I hate him, he did not respond which is to be expected. Then, a week later he says, "Hey, I haven't gone to hell just yet. I think I found a blanket I think is yours and I kind of want my stuff back. Sorry for the inconvience." I never responded to that text which was 4 days ago. Today I decided to respond and say, "do you still want your stuff?"

 

Him: "Yes if it's possible"

Me: "Are you sure you don't have anything of mine? I don't think that blanket is mine?"

Him: "No I made sure to sort my clothes before I packed everything. I know I'm missing a remote."

Me: "I have the remote you're talking about. And okay so I don't know you want to go about doing this"

Him: "We can meet one of these days after work if you want, just let me know a day and time good for you. And I also wanted to say, I'm sorry for everything."

Me: "I will let you know. And thanks for apologizing."

Him: "You didn't deserve that and I am sorry. We're both happy now. Everything happens for a reason. Stay tough and stay away from guys like me."

 

He cheated on me. And he has the nerve to say this garbage to me? Why the hell would he think that's okay to say? And what is going through his mind to even think that's remotely okay? It's like he's trying to make me mad. I wish the texts would have stopped at his apology, yet he had to keep going. If he's happily moved on, why does he feel it necessary to let me know that? He's the one who cheated and broke my heart! I left him at the drop of a hat. And now I am not going to respond to that text and at this point, I am not going to even text him so he can get his things. I am so beyond over this bull****.

[Zahara]

Scan through your whole apartment and gather up every bit of his belongings. Every bit that belongs to him, even if it's a torn tshirt. You then dump it all in a box. Then you ask a friend to drop it at his doorstep or you go to the post office and mail it to him. There is no need to meet.

 

This guy should have been blocked when you caught him with another woman. Instead you broke NC and you opened the door for contact.

 

I understand you are mad. I too caught my ex in the act. You need to understand that these types have no conscience. When one does not have a conscience, they have no ability to empathize. Lack of empathy doesn't allow them to feel remorseful for their actions. That is why they are able to to just act nonchalant like nothing ever happened. Give you a couple of blah, blahs and all is well.

 

You're expecting a cheater to have some sort of self-awareness into their actions. They don't -- hence texting you like it was no big deal that he cheated.

 

Again, block and box his stuff and have it sent to his home. Don't ignore this because it will only give either one of you an excuse to communicate again.

Edited June 7, 2016 by Zahara

[Blanco]

Yup, time to block. You've said your piece. Now make sure he's got every scrap of his things out of your home and do as Zahara suggested.

 

The healing cannot begin until you detach from this guy, and leaving his number or email unblocked is giving him a clear path to prevent that.

[LD1990]

The guy sounds like a tool, with the cheating and the stupid text comments..."stay away from guys like me." My last contact would probably be something along the lines of a text saying "I gathered all your things. You can pick them up at the dumpster outside my building. The garbage man comes in 20 minutes. Good luck!" Followed by blocking him.

 

Setting things on fire can be great for coping, as well.

 

These aren't the most mature solutions, but trust me, they're the most fun.

[Blanco]

yeah, I wouldn't do that. Maybe it's a cathartic in the moment, but then you're forever more the person who lit someone's things ablaze. No need to go eye-for-an-eye with people like this. They won't repent and then they'll just have ammo against you. "See, I told you he/she was nuts!"

 

I still like Zahara's idea. It closes the book on this guy without showing any emotion.

[ajp1999]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's awful and you ex is really not someone you want to be with anyway. He did you a favor. You are better off without him 100%!! I'm about 8 days with no contact and I'm having the same issues as you. Just tired, not eating well, crying the whole deal. I've never felt this way EVER. It's called heartbreak and it's really hard to get over. I've decided not to date for a very long time. I just don't think I can handle it. I tried to go on a dating website right after the break up.. but I'm just not interested. I think it's best to be alone for a bit when something like this happens. Although I wasn't cheated on I had other issues that were causing me heart ache.