Walked in on him... Now what do I do? **Updated**

[Leesherloo]

Okay this is quite a story so I am going to give just a small back story so it all makes a little bit more sense. So, almost 7 months ago I met a guy on Tinder. Of course, it's tinder, so really I wasn't attempting to find anything really serious. We met up at a bar and talked, I was very nervous, but we automatically clicked. We had called eachother "twins" at one point- we would finish eachothers sentences and I had never felt smitten. He was so romantic- wanted to do everything for me. Of course, in the honeymoon stage that is all to be expected. Unfortunately, it didn't last very long. We moved very fast, but it felt right to the both of us, we were madly in love. We spent all of our time together, almost every waking moment. But in a way we were quite fiery. We had gotten in a few bad fights, due to jealousy. When I met him, I was living with an ex boyfriend and that made him jealous.. Which is very understandable. Although, we had a lease and I can't just break that. So we were stuck under the same roof. We had many fights over this issue alone. In such a way we were so smitten yet he loved to fight with me. He loved creating turmoil in the relationship, and never understood why. He never wanted to talk about his emotions, and when I tried to get a little bit deeper with him, he completely stonewalled me. He would have a stern face, make no eye contact and would not utter a word to me when I expressed emotion. I have never seen him cry other than when speaking of his father who abandoned him 7 years ago. I think our love was mutual but he is so used to chaos and turmoil that he must be used to it. At least I thought our love was mutual.

 

So about 2 weeks ago, we decided to get an apartment together. He seemed ready. He told me he wanted too, I even said "if you aren't ready, we can put this on hold"... But he insisted. He wanted to go shop for things for our place, he was making an effort to look online for places to rent. He wanted to move all his stuff in right away. Even though we had time to move in still.

 

All of his friends live in a town nearby, I live about 35 minutes away and we basically met in a town in the middle so we could both be near our hometowns. He is very close with friends and he loves to use his parents garage because he works on his cars and it has a lift in it- I mean basically everything in it. Last Monday, everything was fine. Then, things went downhill from there. He would go back to his hometown and wouldn't return home, he started drinking all night and staying there late- leaving me at home by myself. He spent a lot of time with his one friend, let's say, "Eric" and his girlfriend "Jamie". Well, Eric has a sister that just recently moved in with him. My boyfriend was going out there and hanging out with all of them. And to make this long story short, I found myself this Monday morning going out to his town and went to Eric and Jamie's house and found him in bed with Erics sister. He had no remorse. He couldn't even tell me that he loved me, he said, "I thought I truly did". Like I stated earlier, he stonewalls and never wants to talk, so our conversation wasn't constructive. I showed him how devastated I was that I have nothing now, no bed because I threw mine away. He apologized slightly and said he did this to me and he'd help me in anyway possible. I put my head down in his car and I ran out of things to say, I could feel him staring at me in my peripheral vision, but I wouldn't look at him. He swore up and down that he'd never cheat, and look what he did. I am ashamed and filled with remorse that this relationship even happened. He was so in love with me just a week ago, how could this all change so quickly? Why? Mind you, he's 25 and still was living with his parents.

 

After talking in his car after the confrontation, I told him it was over and he basically expected that and said he's not going to beg for me because he knows I'll never trust him again and it will never work. At this point, I realize he doesn't give a **** about me or my feelings. Obviously. I get out of the car and walk away. Since then, he's only sent 3 texts, one saying "I was at the house all day and never saw you. We need to talk." Yet I found out from Jamie that he sent that text to me while he was with the new girl.

 

The next day, I get balls and I tell Jamie to tell him to have his **** out of my house by Sunday. He doesn't respond to her, texts me and says, "hey so what's the deal?" I still don't respond. He sends another text an hr later and says, "ok well thanks for everything." He's thanking me?!? I have done nothing wrong. He HURT ME. How can he even say such a thing???? I am the one that is in shambles. I have no where to live now, and he's gonna go back home. And I am left here picking up the broken pieces of myself. I have been grieving, changing in between sadness and anger. I can't sleep, my anxiety is so intense, it constantly feels like I have an adrenaline feeling in my stomach. Since our talk in the car, I have cut off all contact with him. I don't want him back, but I wanted him to beg. Or seem sad that he lost me. But I should have known I'd get no emotion from him, because I never really have. I haven't talked to him for almost 4 days now, and it's been so hard.

 

I want him to realize the pain he's caused, and I have an overwhelming sense of wanting revenge, but I know I can't. I just want him to regret what he's done and who he's lost.

Edited May 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~T

[SoleMate]

Moving on and living well is the best revenge. I really would not waste time with this one, in attempting to make him feel regret or remorse.....that's an uphill battle and ultimately a pointless one. His judgments suck, so it hardly matters. The faster you move on, the better off you'll be. Next time, next man, learn from this one and check for red flags first.

[LostOnes05]

I'm sorry that happened to you. I know the feeling...you trust someone wholeheartedly and they are the one to stick the knife in your back and smile as they do. And it makes it feel worse because they don't care and move on quickly.

 

Now that being said you have to focus on yourself, your healing, and getting back in the frame of mind you were in before you met him. As difficult as it will be, you have to use that anger you feel and make positive changes in your life. Trust me...it's a great motivator. I happy that you have gone no contact...keep that up!! It's not worth your time to dwell on him. An exercise (outside of a lot of gym time) that helped me was giving myself a set amount of time to have the situation on my mind. After that time, I made myself busy. Then I gradually decreased the amount of time I was allowed to think about it, until I didn't anymore (it's a process).

 

Coming from a guy, he seems to be trying to fill some kind of void or he's just a man-you-know-what. Regardless, be happy that he is out of your life and you can now pursue a future with someone on the same emotional wavelength as you. Best wishes to you!!

[Leesherloo]

Thanks for your uplifting feedback. My heart still mourns for his presence. It's so hard to go from every single day of talking and hanging out to...nothing. I thought he was such a good person and I am still in such shock that has even happened. My anxiety is so debilitating that I don't want to go anywhere or keep myself busy because I have no energy. I can't eat nor can I sleep. It's the worst feeling I've ever had in my entire life. I know what I have to do to move on, but the fact that I never answered him has left me with no closure at all whatsoever and I think that's why this is hurting me so much. I miss him. But then I remember, he is not missing me and what we had. And that's what kills me so much. How could you tell me you love me and then betray me this horribly? It is haunting my every thought.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like you got to see who he really is, unfortunately. I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

 

In the grand scheme of things, 7 months isn't too long. Next time, I would recommend you take things much more slowly. Deciding to move in together already was not a wise choice, especially given that you had just been living with your ex.

 

I think you would be better to stay single a little while and learn to feel comfortable on your own. Get to know and appreciate that feeling of independence again.

 

As far as this guy goes, he's obviously not the kind man you thought he was. I know that's an awful realization to come to, having been betrayed myself. It will take you time to grieve and heal, and understand that his actions are not a reflection on your worth. He showed you he isn't good enough for you. Though you don't feel it now, you will someday see this as a blessing in disguise, meaning that you've just dodged a huge bullet. He's not to be trusted with your heart.

[Leesherloo]

Thank you very much for your kind words

[Buddhist]

I want him to realize the pain he's caused, and I have an overwhelming sense of wanting revenge, but I know I can't. I just want him to regret what he's done and who he's lost.

 

This is the only part of your post which is relevant. Basically you just want to get justice because you think he wronged you. But lets look at the facts here.

 

- You found him in an emotionally broken state and made excuses for that.

- He acted like an emotionally broken person and did whatever the hell made him feel good. Why are you surprised?

- You believed he was in love with you when he's an emotionally broken person, why?

 

This is not to lay blame on you but to help you see that you did see this coming. It's not out of character for him, you wanted something from him he was not going to give you. You still want something from him he is not going to give you, highlighted in your quote above.

 

So what to do about it?

 

Realise that no matter what you want or need he is not going to give it to you. Make peace with that, then you will also realise that the only thing to do now is move on.

Edited May 7, 2016 by Buddhist

[seyah92]

I just recently had a similar situation happen where my gf cheated on me, said straight up fhat she wasnt goin to apologize and gets mad at me for not being her friend afterwords. Your bf very much like my gf experienced a family trauma in their past which devoids them of the ability to think of anyone than themselves. Its not up to good hearyed people like you to come and try to change them. You deserve the respect and love that u put into this relationship to be reciprocated.

 

If you want him to feel bad, then leave with your held high and dont come back. Block this person out of your life, enjoy yourself and become a better you. Later when you are healed, stronger, and with a deserving person you wont even think of him anymore. At that moment, when he's by himself and can't reach you the only thing that will be there to comfort him are memories, longings and "what-if".

 

Learn from this and good luck!

[Leesherloo]

I've made it 1 week into NC.

 

Long story short, my BF cheated, I caught him... And it's been 1 week since I've ignored his 3 measly texts he's sent. I still wake up every morning with anxiety, my chest feels so tight... I'd feel better if this would just go away. I had a dream about him last night, that he still cared and was holding me... And I woke up and remembered the pain all over again and realized my dream wasn't real. I've felt this loss with every bone in my body. I really haven't been single very long since I've been 15 years old, moving so quickly from guy to guy. I am really trying to be different this time and be confident with myself and that I don't NEED anybody and that I can make it using my own inner strength. He just moved all of his things out of the apartment yesterday, (Sunday). And I am dreading to have to go there and get my stuff out of the apartment as well. He's happy as a clam.. Or so I think he is. He's been spending every night with her, getting high and drunk together... I don't smoke weed and I am a pretty responsible person. She doesn't have custody of her child and gets high 24/7. I guess that's what he wanted. Someone irresponsible and disgusting. My heart is just still in so much pain, and I know what I have to do to move on... But I cannot bring myself to being able to do it. My depression is so hard.. I cant get up. I've tried a few times this week and have seen my friends... And I even went to a club on Saturday and hooked up with a random guy. if anything, this made me feel worse. How do I move on? I don't want him back. I feel like I am plagued with sadness and his every memory, and I do not know how to change my behaviors.

 

I'm going insane.

[Zahara]

It's only been a week. It's natural for you to feel this way. It's going to take awhile for you to start feeling better again so don't be so hard on yourself and expect for an overnight change with your emotions.

 

The pain from an ending is already a huge burden to bear and coupled with the fact that he cheated, you're going to struggle with those feelings of betrayal as well.

 

Don't go hooking up with random guys. As you said, this time it's going to be different whereby you're not going to look to others to take your pain away.

 

You are grieving a loss. There is no "behavior" to change. Lean on your friends and family for support. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel your pain and embrace and process whatever emotions come -- this is going to take much time to get over. The only way to get past this is to go through it.

[Leesherloo]

My third post here.. Since my original post about me walking in on my ex with another woman. I am trying to be patient with my emotions but waking with anxiety and lack of sleep are driving me mad. I keep having horrible flashbacks of the moment I saw everything, moments of him holding me and we are laughing to tears.. I feel as if this was traumatic and I'm experiencing PTSD. That's how debilitating this is. I've been seeing friends and talking about it and trying to move forward, as I know he has... But those things only work temporarily. If I didn't feel constantly sick, maybe I would feel better... Yet here I am. Absolutely sick. I need help and I'm running out of hope. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.. Walk away from someone and he had barely any reaction. The anger I feel is over powering.

[TaraMaiden2]

PTSD is right.

 

Get help.

 

NOW.

[Satu]

You need to spend some time alone dealing with your feelings.

 

Don't date for now.

 

Find a good counsellor and get some help with working your way through this.

 

You'll be OK.

 

 

Take care.

[Zahara]

I was diagnosed with PTSD as well when I saw a professional in trying to deal with an ex I caught cheating. It was traumatic. Seek help.

Edited May 10, 2016 by Zahara

[Leesherloo]

Thanks for the feedback everyone, I am a strong person underneathe this all. I chose to walk away when I could have stayed and I have chose to sustain from drinking alcohol during this hard time. I know I have to feel this pain full force. I suffer from OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) so I can identify when I am obsessing, but this replaying of scenes in my head is a new thing since this happened to me. I am so anxious to get back to my normal life, and it's not coming back fast enough. I am going to call a therapist today, and hit the gym, Ill make sure to update. You guys are just strangers on the Internet, but your encouraging words have helped me get through some days I thought I had no hope left. Thank you so much.

[Leesherloo]

As previously stated in other threads, I walked in on my boyfriend with another girl. He's only sent 3 texts since we had our final talk about the situation. His attempt to try and talk was horrid and absolutely ridiculous. It's obvious he doesn't care. But how could we be so in love one moment and then that moment is gone and now he is with that girl? I ignored him and initiated NC from the second we parted after the confrontation, which is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. No closure. No ending. Just nothing. He said that he wouldn't have told me and continued the relationship if I didn't find out. Can you love someone and cheat on them? I don't want to go back to him and I will not after this betrayal of trust. But I'm having a hard time accepting that my time was wasted and he has no regrets. I want him to regret. I want him to miss me like I miss him. He might. But I will never know. I will never ever know how he's feeling. I want him to burn like I have burned- and that's the hardest part.. I want to change things that I cannot control. I long to see his text message on my phone, that's never coming. I know he's sleeping with her every night. He can't be alone so he has her warming his bed where I used to be. It's hard to accept that I was so special and then he made a terrible mistake... And now it can never be taken back. Why didn't he show any remorse? Why did he just pick up another girl like I meant nothing? I know I meant something to him. I know there was a time when he did love and care. I know deep inside, there was something. It brings me so much shame and disgust that he's getting high and drunk with her, laughing and having the time of their lives... While I sit in a corner at home trying to pick up the shattered fragments of my heart. I've never felt a pain this immense. I feel as if my heart bears the pain of 15 separate lifetimes.

[Arieswoman]

Lesherloo,

I'm sorry you are going through this, but it's somewhere where most of us have been - if that's any consolation to you.

 

No matter how bad you feel, it WILL get better. Keep telling yourself that.

 

At the moment your ex is high on hormones and the newness of what he's got. In time it will fade and then he'll come down to earth. He'll find that he got the same book, just with a different cover and he'll still has to live with his crappy self.

 

Rest assured that his new sweetie will soon be getting the same treatment as you if this is how he works his way through women.

 

He said that he wouldn't have told me and continued the relationship if I didn't find out.

 

The guy is a cheat and a liar, you dodged a bullet.

 

Keep at the NC and be kind to yourself. Your heart will heal.

 

Good luck and stay strong x

[Miss99]

Man that is harsh and I am so sorry you are going through this. Cheating and any violence is unacceptable that is just it. I am sorry to say but if he really loved you he would not have cheated.

 

I am going through a breakup and I am sad , but it did not involve other people. I know your pain is 10X what I feel.

 

Maybe he is just a no good cheater that goes from female to female? Who is this girl did you know her? You are going to be in pain for a while and feel like this but one thing I promise you is that if you let him go in time you will feel better and you will be ok.

 

I know right now you are thinking no way....But it will happen. One day you will feel better and normal again. You Deserve someone to love you and not disrespect you like l that. I would have never talked to him , text him , contacted him ever again. He lost you , A wonderful person. Vanish from his pathetic life and let Karma do the rest.

[CarrieT]

When I was 20 years old, I married the first man who told me he loved me.

 

Four years later, I got sick with the flu at work and came home early....

 

Found the love of my life in a People Puddle of other men. There is nothing more heartbreaking than walking in on someone who love having sex with another person. It was heartbreaking for me because I couldn't compete with the fact that my MAN wanted other MEN.

 

What I'm getting at is that it WILL get better. You will heal and you will love again. The best thing you can do is go No Contact and stay No Contact. There is nothing to be gained by trying to communicate with this guy whatsoever.

[SixxChick]

When I too was 20, I was living with my boyfriend at the time. I worked by day and went to school at night. One night, my night class was canceled at the last minute, so I went home. I immediately saw a purse on the floor in the living room. I looked around and everything was quiet. I froze and then my heart sank. I went upstairs and opened the bedroom door. There they were. That was it for that relationship. By one bone-headed (excuse the pun) decision.

 

You never really forget things like that, but you WILL get over it. Just take the time you need to grieve. And heed the advice in this thread, because there's a lot of good stuff in here.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Leesherloo]

Thanks everyone for your stories and words. I know the steps I have to take in which to be independent. Going to the gym, and finding new hobbies and spending time with friends. But my willingness to do any of this is slim to none. I don't want to spend time with friends. I don't want to go out clubbing, I don't find enjoyment out of any of these activities. The only thing that I got joy from was him. And I know that's wrong to rely on someone so much... But I need to be able to find things to bring me joy again which is hard when I am constantly working 24/7.

[Leesherloo]

Just an update.

 

I feel my anxiety lessening each day, as long as I keep myself busy. There are still moments when I cry, but it's brief and has no longer turned into an all day pity party. Today I didn't have energy to get out of bed so those negative thoughts have returned... Still trying to keep them at bay as best I can. My healing process is slow... But it is slightly improving. He has now become only a fleeting thought throughout the day, which is good, but I've somehow perceived it as almost a bad thing. I never wanted him to be a fleeting thought, and I almost have a small tinge of guilt because of that. My heart is still completely with him although the relationship has been completely severed beyond repair. I cannot even think of kissing anyone else and/or even trying to date. I feel as if my mourning has turned into acceptance. I just want to let anyone know struggling, there is relief, somewhere. I know my days of inner peace are soon to come, but until then I will just stand my ground and remember that patience is my best friend right now. In time he WILL regret this, and by then, it won't matter because I'll already be long gone. I hope my thread was able to reach someone.

[Steven1]

Went through the same with my ex girlfriend.

 

The emotions come and go from what we had, but mainly because of what she put me through in the final few months of our relationship, it took me a while to realize it but I deserved and do deserve a lot better. Once I realized that it became a lot easier to just forgive and forget, she's moved on and is with someone else, and the more I kept thinking about what she did etc, I realized I was the only one suffering because of it. I was putting myself back through what she had done and it was just a vicious circle.

 

I just threw myself into the deep end at the gym and go out a lot more with friends etc now and more or less for the time being do what is best for me. As with you though, I know that while my ex may be happy with someone else now, it may sound selfish on my behalf, but nobody will treat her as well as I did. She got everything she ever wanted/needed and more, a lot more. I think at times she does realize that, but doesn't want to admit she made a mistake.

 

We'll both be fine in time!

[Leesherloo]

Keeping it short. Walked in on him. Moving out of an apartment we had together.

 

Basically, I have been fine for right now. He's really mostly become a distant thought to me. I still have horrifying nightmares and dreams of text messages or dreaming of moments we shared together. We haven't spoken since the confrontation. I spent the night with another man last night, we didn't sleep together, but there were things about this guy that I just didn't like. He was very aggressive to sleep with me and then I remember how gentle and kind my ex was about waiting for sex and then I just obsessed about the way he used to treat me over this new guy. It made me miss him more, even though he has wronged me. I've had guys approach me in bars and I don't want to carry on the conversation... I am just so uninterested lately in other people. I don't think about him in waking life very often. I don't think about anyone really. This is a good thing, but it still bothers me that I compare who he was to this new guy. I want to force myself to like him but I iust don't feel like that. Why would I turn down other men even though I'm not in a relationship? I'm not used to doing this. I'm not used to not wanting someone who was interested in me. I mean I've turned down men before, trust me on that. I know this guy isn't meeting my criteria... I think I know that and that just doesn't turn me on anymore. I'm so used to having someone all the time, and this feeling is new. My first instinct is to use someone to get over my ex and I know that's not the right thing. It's just hard to adjust to.

[PinkPampies]

Definitely don't use someone as a rebound to make yourself feel better. I was just a rebound and it hurts like hell. If you can find comfort while being honest with them, then fine.

 

I think you should be single for a while. I myself enjoy it. It takes getting used to at first but it's nice not having expectations, working on myself and not having to shave lol.

 

It's a good time to focus on yourself and reflect, so you know what to look out for in new relationships. It's a learning experience and if you walk away with any knowledge, all the better. Good luck