How Can I Stop Being Mad At My Ex?

[spriggan2]

My life is going relatively well, job's picking up, making new friends, seeing this new girl who is incredibly sweet, she's someone I realized I want to move towards a relationship with (she's so good to me). However once in a while, out of the blue and in a solitary moment, my first ex who dumped me back in January comes into my mind and things turn sour.

 

It's mainly a feeling I get. One of concentrated anger. I notice my muscles tense, my breathing sharpens, sometimes I even get a little light-headed. Everything else seems to fade from significance and I become preoccupied with some crappy thing she did to me and it takes a good thirty minutes to an hour for me to let it go. I still have some feelings for her, (quite certain I never want to be with her again) but I have so much resentment and I just wish it would go away for good. It's very unpleasant and keeps me up at night.

 

We were at a mall once (our relationship was long distance towards the end and I flew out to see her for a weekend). She was shopping for an upcoming grad school trip abroad. In the limited amount of time to do fun stuff together we decided to see Star Wars. Of course shopping was taking longer than planned and we were on the verge of running late. I remind her that we need to go several times, she says I need to be more forceful. I say what else can I possibly do, grab you? She says, "pretty much." A couple minutes later she goes into another store, she's not buying anything at this point, just window shopping. I put my arms around her waist and steer her back towards the exit. She flails and says I'm "restricting" her, so I let go. We end up arriving on time to the movie but late enough that we have to sit in the handicap reserved seats at the very back. Everything else is taken. Throughout the previews she's sitting there tense and annoyed by our seats, worried we might get ousted, even though she made us late, and so I'm the one on eggshells trying to figure out how I can make things better. A week after I returned home she calls me from her trip and breaks up with me, one of the reasons she sites is I need to "grow up" a little more (which I agree with in some respects. Alas..).

 

That hypocrisy is an example of a thought I have that sits quietly in my head, minding it's own business when I'm busy, but suddenly floating forward in moments of downtime to emotionally paralyze me. It doesn't seem like the most significant thing in the world, but in the context of how crazy I was about this girl, how much I cared for her, how much I did for her, how vulnerable I was, how deeply I let her in, in the context of being heartbroken for the first time in my life, it makes me absolutely fume now in the aftermath of our relationship.

 

We've talked several times since the breakup (about once a month). The usual. She's jealous that I'm seeing someone else, that I'm moving on. She told me that if I proposed to her she would say yes (absolute L.O.L.). But the more important part is we've had a few conversations post breakup where I've mentioned my frustrations to her (I neglected to bring up the shopping example because I hadn't thought of it at the time). She apologized for one thing in particular, but everything else she rationalizes and defends, sometimes rightly so because they were my error, but she never apologizes for what I feel was mistreatment through the course of our relationship. And that is the most frustrating thing in the world. And really that's all I'm looking for. One reply in which she states she's sorry in general and she feels bad about how she treated me. I feel like that would work wonders for my outlook.

 

Of course that will NEVER happen. I know that. So all I'm left with is this bitterness and resentment knotting up my stomach, and even when it's not active I still feel the faintest trace of it in my every move and thought. I just with I could let it go. But I don't know how. It's like a disease. Im trying to vent with this post and I don't know if it's going to help. I just want it to go away. Ugh...I used to be so untroubled.

Edited May 7, 2016 by spriggan2

[todreaminblue]

forgiveness comes ...with time...get some closure......tell her its over in no uncertain terms...no proposal..that you are seeing someone new and you are happy with her.....wish her well.....and be honest with that wish.....you have someone...someone sweet.......wish that for her

 

if you cant sleep at night.... meditate.....

 

if you feel angry be with someone who doesnt make you angry all the time....and do something together that you love to do....find reasons to laugh often too...laughter can help alleviate anger faster than anything really....

 

 

search your heart and find the part of you that just wants peace and happiness.....and draw strength from that place..draw resolve to be at that place of peace ....forgiveness will come if you try this ....if you search your heart.if you laugh.......if you spend time with people who are good and true to you.....this may take time and lots of practice........and move forward with your new relationship.ps...laugh loads...best wishes...deb

[mikeylo]

I guess you didn't give yourself enough time to grieve the loss of the relationship and went into another rather quickly. Anyway , you've got to reach acceptance that she didn't have the least humanity to accept fault and apologize to someone she assumingly loved. That's very important in any relationship.

Give yourself time.

[Eyebrows]

Anger is part of the healing process. January isn't that long ago.

 

When you hear about the five stages of grief in terms of relationships it normally sounds like it's supposed to be a linear sequence...denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance...one after the other. But they'll all come in waves and at different intensity over time.

 

I was particularly angry with my ex after the break. Privately, of course, I was never confrontational with her even when I was trying to get answers. I doubt you'll get an apology because by acknowledging that they did something wrong, it's admitting to some guilt over how things ended. And guilt is the last thing a dumper wants.

[PrettyEmily77]

You can stop being angry at your ex by literally stopping being angry at your ex. Make the decision now and be done with it.

[sowhynot]

We've talked several times since the breakup (about once a month).

 

Er, why ????

 

Surely she's your EX ??????

 

Out of sight, out of mind !

[BC1980]

The best what that I know how to stop feeling mad (or any other emotion) is to completely detach emotionally from the person. You are going for indifference. You don't need to wish her well or wish her ill. You are looking to get to a place where you attach minimal emotion to her. It took me 2 years of NC to get to that point. Obviously, the big problem is that you aren't NC, so you are still emotionally connected to her.

 

Like I said, it took me 2 years of NC to feel minimal emotion towards my ex. I don't wish him ill or well. I don't care. I can talk about him with no emotion. A lot of people go wrong because they want to get to a place where they are friends with an ex. They think they can get to a happy place. The problem with that is that if you can feel any good emotion for a person, you can also feel a negative emotion. If you are attached enough to a person that they can evoke any strong emotion in you, then you have to be willing to take the good with the bad. I think going for indifference is better. It worked for me, so that is the best method I can give you.

[BC1980]

You can stop being angry at your ex by literally stopping being angry at your ex. Make the decision now and be done with it.

 

I dunno. I've never been able to control what I feel. Maybe others have different experiences, but I've never been able to stop feeling what I feel. I've found that it's better to embrace what you feel and work with it.

[PrettyEmily77]

I dunno. I've never been able to control what I feel. Maybe others have different experiences, but I've never been able to stop feeling what I feel. I've found that it's better to embrace what you feel and work with it.

 

Depends on the end game, in my experience. You can still embrace what you feel and work with it, but for me, the process has always gone a lot faster when I've made the conscious decision beforehand to work my way from a positive place - it's more about choice than about control, for me.

[stillafool]

Why are you still talking to your ex? That is the problem right there. Block all contact with her, spend more time with your current gf and you will eventually stop thinking about her. You cannot stay in contact with her.