Aishax Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 Background info: we were each other's first loves, lost our virginities to each other, first relationship, I was pregnant once, marriage was what we both knew we wanted. Bestfriends for three years, together for almost 2. First year was amazing and easy. Together every single day. Second year things got tough mainly bc of his family issues. His very religious mom caught us, hanging out became a hassle, we began to argue bc of it, we wanted to get married then but couldn't bc of finishing college. Once that blew over, his dad had surgery, his mom had a baby and he was now working every single day and moving into a new house. It has been 5 months of not hanging out. We remained strong until last month. He got busier at work and construction at the new house. We argued for a few days, I showed up at his job and he said "I lost feelings idk everything is annoying me now." We winded up making up and he said he loved me. The next day he said he just wants to be friends. I explained to him not seeing each other is destroying us and he is stressed constantly. I said all we need is one day together. He agreed. Few days later he's telling me not to send him nudes then changed his pw's. He said he doesn't want to hangout and that we're just friends from now on. I tried seeing him for the next 2 days but couldn't and then went to his job again. He smiled when he saw me and I hugged him. He said I don't want to believe that he doesn't love me anymore. He said a lot of other cold things too but once again, we winded up making up saying I love you and agreeing to going out on a date. The next day he said nvm AGAIN, I convinced him otherwise. Fast forward to a week later, he's refusing to hangout with me, telling me he doesn't feel the same, telling me if he had feelings he wouldn't be texting other girls, he doesn't even think of me, he doesn't regret us cuz of what we had but it's long gone. He doesn't want another girl for years.. I said it's been months of not hanging out, why can't we hangout just once and he still refused and said it was stupid. I wrote him a long paragraph basically saying I was willing to try but he wasn't and that we can be friends. We haven't talked since then. He told my friend that we are just on a break and he is waiting until he isn't so busy and stressed. And that we aren't allowed to talk to other ppl. Wtf? He did many things right up until this that I KNOW he didn't have "no feelings." I was perfect to him, if we argued it was cuz I missed him and wanted to see him. He will admit I did everything he wanted. Throughout the past months, he's had some family secret going on that he would cry about. Never told me what it was. Help?!
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 (edited) Help? I'm sorry if you think you need help. It's as plain as the nose on your face. The only help I can give you is to emphasise that it's over. There is no such thing as 'a break'. He is distancing himself from you, but in actual fact, for him, it's ended. He's being a coward though, because he wants you to be the one who walks away. He has no right to lay down the law, and suggest rules that he has not consulted you about. He's saying things to other people in an effort to cover his hide, not to protect you or really explain what the situation is. That he's dumping you. Please read the NC Guide in my signature (link). I don't think anyone would blame you if you were to retrieve every ounce of your self-worth and dignity, and ghosted him completely. Edited May 7, 2016 by TaraMaiden2 1
Buddhist Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 (edited) Warning - I am at times horribly insensitive. This may be one of those times. Feel free to skip what lies below if you are of a sensitive nature. Background info: we were each other's first loves, lost our virginities to each other, first relationship, I was pregnant once, marriage was what we both knew we wanted. Bestfriends for three years, together for almost 2. I was perfect to him, if we argued it was cuz I missed him and wanted to see him. Help?! Okay. All you need to know is the beginning and the end, the other stuff is just that. Stuff. Here's the story.... - First loves hardly ever work out. The reason is that you are both too immature to carry on an adult relationship. That's not just you and your boyfriend, it's every single couple, ever. First loves are almost by definition made to be broken. People who marry their first loves usually do so after years apart and finding them again. The important aspect of that is that they have both grown in the meantime. - Three years as friends and 2 as lovers is nothing. Particularly at your age when you still have basically no idea who you are or what you really want in life. I know, I know you think you do. So did I until after 30 then I realised I had no idea. Call me on your 31st birthday and we'll chat about it. It's just a rite of passage that everyone who was ever under the age of 30 thinks they know everything about life, everything about the world and everything about people. Yeah....you'll get over that. :roll eyes: - You have no idea if you are perfect for someone or not. I'm mid forties and I still can't make that determination. The fact that your assessment of this is based on you 'doing everything he wanted' tells me no, you weren't perfect for him, or for anyone really. While you're busy playing a role for someone else you are blissfully unaware of yourself. Once again call me when you're 30 and we'll chat about how stupidly blind we all are in our youth. To sum up. You broke up with someone and it sucks. It feels lonely and desperate and like the world is going to end. You had hopes and dreams and now they're shattered. Oh yes, you will never love again.... In approximately 3 months or so you'll meet the next love of your life and won't even be able to recall this guy's name. Edited May 7, 2016 by Buddhist 5
ilovemefirst Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 You have lost all your self respect. You need to stop going to his work! Let him go..focus on you and stop putting him first. He has made it clear he does not want to see you anymore. Its hard, i understand, but you can get through it. 1
oldshirt Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 I'm a bit confused, do you have a child or not? Are you married or not? What are your ages currently?
oldshirt Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 While we are waiting for the answers to those questions, let's talk a little bit about the differences between the girls and the boys. One of the biggest differences between girls and boys, is boys do not formally break up with girls and break things cleanly. Boys basically just stop calling and stop coming around. They just do a fade away. But to make things more confusing is they will also frequently come around weeks, months or even years later when they are feeling a bit lonely or nostalgic or if their tank is just getting full and they don't have someone on hand to drain it for them at the moment. So in other words they will come around periodically for a booty call. So what I am saying is that it really is not in men's nomenclature to formally break up cleanly one day and then move on with their life the next. Guys will frequently just start becoming more scarce and may even start seeing someone else or even multiple girls, but not break things off cleanly with the previous girl. Guys will frequently spin plates or gather harems if they are allowed to. Guys won't cleanly break up with one girl to start seeing the next, they will just keep adding more girls to the stable for as long as the girls allow them. What's happening here is he is doing the fade away. If let to his own devices at this point, he will fade away to the point you won't see or hear from him for weeks or months until he just shows back up looking for a booty call like nothing has happened. It's up to you and your own boundaries to determine what you are going to tolerate or accept. If you want to be pathetic and desperate, you can wait by the phone to see if he calls. Or you can turn and walk away and move on with your life and go back on the dating market and start dating other people yourself and live your own life for you. As another poster said above, there really is no such things as "breaks". you are either with someone or you are not. Actions always speak louder than words. If someone is doing their own thing, they are doing their own thing. 1
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