Should I be worried that he's a late bloomer?

May 7, 2016

Hello. I posted here a loooong time ago about an argument that I had with my boyfriend. We were able to resolve the issue, and we just passed the 1-year mark. Transitioning to an LDR after three months of dating is difficult, but we did it! I'm just about to finish my first year of college, and I'm going home on Thursday.

I'm kind of worried about him. I'm 19 and he's 21. I just finished my freshman year of college, and aside from a semester of online game design classes, he hasn't done anything after high school. He quit his game design classes shortly before we met. His family is very money-conscious, and nobody in his family has ever been to college, so college is seen as unnecessary in his family. He is going to community college in the fall, but he's only taking two classes: A/C tech and financial planning. He wants to be a private investor from home, but I don't know if that's a reliable career. He basically wants to buy and sell stocks and be his own boss. He doesn't want to work "for" anybody, because he's very headstrong and alternative-looking. He has an eyebrow piercing, long fingernails, and plans to be heavily tattooed. He's not willing to give any of that up for work.

I'm worried that he might be too stubborn for his own good. He's not willing to look into financial aid for university, and he's not willing to work for anybody but himself or his dad. He isonly 21, so he might just be going through an awkward time getting used to adulthood. I don't know. He's a great boyfriend, and I can see myself marrying him if he can come up with some sort of viable plan. Is he too late to make these plans? Or does he have time? Thanks.

PS - I might be totally wrong about investing in stocks from home not being a reliable career. If you have any sort of experience in the field of finance, please let me know. Maybe I can pass some tips along to him. Thanks!!

May 7, 2016

So, he wants to be a day trader (I believe that's the term). If it was easy, we'd all be doing it. And, you have to have money to invest to get started.

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but your BF is a dreamer. He'd be better off to stick to the HVAC training, or get into another trade like tile setting, brick work, electrician, etc. He may be able to function in those types of jobs with the tatts, altho my husband was forced to wear long sleeves in the summer while installing granite.

What does his dad do that he could work for him?

He needs to work on a plan now. He needs to 'get used to' this idea of adulthood, because he's there. And, remember, he's not your responsibility. Not that of his parents either. But when he's 25 and in this same position, better they be stuck with him than you.

May 7, 2016

I know he's a dreamer. I've talked to him about being a broker or working in another area in finance, but he's dead set on working from home. His dad works in construction. They're taking the AC class together so that they can get more work. Construction isn't his favorite, but it's a living for now. Long story short, we met through a mutual friend who also happens to be a mutual ex (funny story, right!) She told me that while he is a very supportive, caring, and romantic man, he's also very stubborn. I can definitely see that.

I have hope for him because a lot of people go through similar things during their late teens/early twenties. I'm going through it myself! I think the difference between us is that I'm in an environment where it's encouraged to explore different options, and his family doesn't believe in going to university.

May 7, 2016

I have hope for him because a lot of people go through similar things during their late teens/early twenties. I'm going through it myself! I think the difference between us is that I'm in an environment where it's encouraged to explore different options, and his family doesn't believe in going to university.

Well, there's nothing wrong with blue collar. It's great that he and his dad are taking a class together!

I came from working class, and was the only one to go to college. My husband was in construction, and did well enough to raise a family.

I suppose the question is whether he has the drive to work consistently, and plan for the future, no matter what the line of work is. The day trader thing is a huge gamble though. I hope he doesn't pin too many hopes on it (or invest too much $$).

Good luck! Perhaps as he see you progressing and maturing, he'll do the same.

May 7, 2016

He doesn't want to work "for" anybody, because he's very headstrong and alternative-looking. He has an eyebrow piercing, long fingernails, and plans to be heavily tattooed. He's not willing to give any of that up for work.

Well, at 19 you might find something like this attractive, but when you're 30 years old and all grown up and you want to have children but can't quit your job because a guy who looks like an ex-convict can only get a job at Walmart or pumping gas, you'll find out exactly how 'cute' it really is.

Look, I'm just keeping it real. Unless you're REALLY intelligent, highly educated and have a lot to offer a company, most companies aren't going to look past the circus side show this guy is going to turn himself into. I'm sorry, but that's the REAL world.

Every generation has guys like this - he's not a trend-setter and he's not unique. Back in the 70's it was guys who wanted to grow their hair as long as girls and smoke weed all day, claiming they weren't going to compromise their 'individuality' for corporate America and blah blah blah. What that REALLY meant was that they were too damned lazy to get an education, a real job and actually become productive human beings. Most had no drive, no ambition, and no direction, just like your boyfriend. A good lot of them just kind of depended on friends and family to let them 'crash' at their places because these guys didn't even have enough money to have their own place, humble as it may have been. Truth is, while they were thumbing their noses at society and making their 'statement,' they were mooching off the very people they claimed they'd NEVER be - those who were educated and hardworking and providing for themselves and families. Funny how that works.

But the difference here is that those hippies were able to cut their hair and wash their faces and eventually grow up and become responsible productive adults, if they chose to do so. That wouldn't be the case for your boyfriend if he continues all the body mutilation and ends up tattooing his neck and face and everything else. You can't wash that crap off, so his foolishness at 21 and 22 will follow him for life. He's basically lacking ambition and drive, and has pie in the sky ideas about making all kinds of money doing something he knows absolute NOTHING about. NOTHING.

Don't you think that all the people struggling today - who do have drive and do have an education and do have some money to invest - would all be millionaires if this type of thing were as easy and foolproof as your boyfriend mistakenly thinks? I'm surprised his parents haven't kicked his ass into next Tuesday for being so foolish.

Here's another prediction - he'll be living at home with mommy and daddy for as long as they'll let him. Until maybe he marries you and YOU make it possible or him to finally move out of his boyhood bedroom and live somewhere else because it isn't going to happen on his own steam.

Lastly, it would appear you're going to college and actually have the drive to make something of yourself. Good for you, because if you do end up with this guy, the chances are EXTREMELY high that you'll ALWAYS be the main breadwinner and will probably always have to work to keep the lights on and food on the table. While you may 'admire' his individuality and refusal to 'conform' to society at the tender young age of 19, in another 10 or 15 years it's not going to be so attractive or cute to you anymore. It's going to be damned tiresome always having to financially carry your under-achieving husband.

Right now, you're young and idealistic. But as you mature and become more educated and motivated to be successful, the less you're going to respect this guy. That's almost a guarantee.

Good luck to you.

Edited May 7, 2016 by Lois_Griffin

May 7, 2016

Well, at 19 you might find something like this attractive, but when you're 30 years old and all grown up and you want to have children but can't quit your job because a guy who looks like an ex-convict can only get a job at Walmart or pumping gas, you'll find out exactly how 'cute' it really is.

^^^ the bottom line^^^

We can all dream, but the real world catches up with us.

What does he actually know about the stock market or day trading?

Here's What Day Traders Don't Understand - Business Insider

The Dumbest Job Ever, Day Trading, Is Cool Again - Business Insider

May 7, 2016

^^^ the bottom line^^^
We can all dream, but the real world catches up with us.

What does he actually know about the stock market or day trading?

He's taking an intro to finance class, so I'm assuming that they will touch upon possible careers in class. I just finished an intro to hospitality class, and it was focused on the different paths that you can take with a degree in hospitality. I went in wanting to manage a restaurant. Now I want to work for an airline. They might talk about other careers in his class.

I asked him if he would be interested in being a broker, accountant, banker, etc. He said no. I asked him why. He said that he simply doesn't want to have a boss. He's very stubborn about wanting to be tattooed and pierced, which is frowned upon in that industry.

Don't get me wrong, I like to look "different", too. Up until a few months ago, I had turquoise hair with half of my head shaved! I also have several small-to-medium sized tattoos. None of my tattoos are visible as long as I'm fully clothed, and I dyed my hair brown when I decided to start looking for a job. Body art isn't encouraged in the hospitality industry either, so I'm going to have to accept that.

Now that I've read some of these replies, I'm starting to think that the main issue is his stubbornness. He's a fantastic guy, otherwise. He's a great listener, and he just "gets" me, if that makes sense. He's never made me feel badly about something that I like, so I feel awful saying that his stubbornness about not wanting a boss, wanting tons of body art, and wanting a flexible work schedule might hinder him. I want the world for him. I know how intelligent he is.

May 7, 2016

I know he's a dreamer. I've talked to him about being a broker or working in another area in finance, but he's dead set on working from home. His dad works in construction. They're taking the AC class together so that they can get more work. Construction isn't his favorite, but it's a living for now. Long story short, we met through a mutual friend who also happens to be a mutual ex (funny story, right!) She told me that while he is a very supportive, caring, and romantic man, he's also very stubborn. I can definitely see that.

I have hope for him because a lot of people go through similar things during their late teens/early twenties. I'm going through it myself! I think the difference between us is that I'm in an environment where it's encouraged to explore different options, and his family doesn't believe in going to university.

What I bolded is a "value". So his is (at the moment) not to further his career options via college and take more of a risk or unconventional approach to his future--due to what you said about his family, this could be a pretty set value OR it also could be due to his age (lot of guys especially are more of risk-takers, rule-breakers at his age). Meanwhile, you have a very different value, even though you are still figuring out your way (probably mostly due to your age). I'm not saying either is right or wrong. The big problem I can see is that those are major "life" values and in general they are at odds--as you get more serious and contemplate or start a future together, chances are they will grow as a source of friction.

Here's the thing: you both are young; you can either take it for what it is right now and enjoy it although not think too far into the future or frankly imagine that he would be what your future is knowing it is probable that your paths will diverge. I think that's normal at 19. Just make sure your know how to detangle and can do it if this is not the future you want. That said, he may grow out of his thoughts he has right now for a multitude of reasons--but don't count on it or push him, that's not fair. It just may happen, that's all. Just a little side note about the day trading: it's basically gambling, especially without finance knowledge. It makes sense, very typical of lots of guys at his age; they want the quickest, easiest way to greatness without putting in the hour by hour hard work it takes to get there. They think riskier than women or older guys. It has a biological basis. Add to that the rebel, stubborn factor--also typical (and biological) for guys his age. So what do you do?

Honestly, I'd be more worried that I would end up with someone who ends up doing a job he doesn't like just to live because his dreams have failed to come true because they were unrealistic in the first place. What he has planned is a long shot at best. That said, it is totally normal to not have it figured out at all at his age that's why it comes back to values. Does it bother you that he hasn't pointed his compass in a direction you can respect? If so, maybe let him go. It might be more fun spending this time with a guy who shared more similar hopes and dreams as you. If you want to have fun and won't get too attached and he is otherwise good to you, keep dating him and put off worrying about the future.

Ok, weird thing: at 19 I had a very similar situation with a guy I met through high school friends when I was home from college. He had a similar background to your guy's family and mine was the opposite. It's funny (it was not a good relationship at all; truth be told my biggest regret) even though i would keep trying to make it work and overlook other things that were not good, at the back of my mind I always knew the "values" thing would be a problem for us if we were to have a future together. It was the only part I was strong on. I'm not sure how I was able to take a step back when we would debate things that went back to those core values and see how it could not work, when there were other things we argued about (that were big too!) that I could make compromises for.

I did learn some things from it--very specifically this thing about values. Was it worth the fun I'm saying maybe you should just enjoy with your guy? Well that's a hard one to decipher because I think relationships are more fun when you are headed in the same direction, no matter the age or the end goal--we probably had too many problems in general and yes lots of them related back to that core issue. That may or may not be the case for you. If it doesn't affect your every day with him, than have fun. Do I wish he hadn't been my boyfriend? Actually yes--biggest regret of my dating life! I should have let it be a very short thing--that probably has less to do with opposing values than just who he was. Am I glad I didn't end up with him? Oh my god, yes. And that directly relates back to values. Thank god it was a rocky relationship that didn't last and that he was a jerk. If he was a sweet, good guy to me, it would have be really hard to untangle from him & I still don't think either of us would have been happy with each other's choices, which I do know how his life is today since we have been in touch here and there.

To answer your thread title, I don't think you should worry if your guy is a late bloomer but more so if the two of you have opposing values. Good luck on your decisions.

May 7, 2016

Thanks for the insight, Versacehottie. We come from very different backgrounds. My parents went to college (they actually met there!), and they both went on to work white-collar jobs. His parents didn't go to college. His mom works a white-collar job, and his dad works in construction. They appear to be just as well off as my family.

In my family, you're scum unless you have that $100,000 piece of paper to brag about. I'm also an only child, if that's relevant to the situation. While I enjoy my life as a college student, I understand that it's not for everybody.

His family is encouraging him to find someone who works in finance so that he can "shadow" them or find an apprenticeship. He thinks that it's a great idea. My parents are in their late 40s/early 50s, and his parents are in their mid/late 50s. They were our age in the 70s and 80s when it was possible find someone to shadow in almost any profession. Now you need that $100,000 piece of paper just to get the internship! He and his family don't get that.

May 7, 2016

[]

Anyway, I don't know how I feel about my boyfriend's situation. I know that he's definitely intelligent. I've never doubted that for a second! I think he was just raised to "get rich quick". His family is very frugal and places a lot of importance on money. However, just because you're raised to believe something, doesn't mean that it's helpful to retain those beliefs. Like I said, my family believes that you're only worth something if you have a college degree, and I certainly don't believe that myself! Needless to say, my parents aren't fans of BF because he's going to be 22 by the end of this year, and he still doesn't have that degree.

I'm also not a huge fan of the day-trading idea that he has. It sounds like a get rich quick scheme to me. I don't love him any less, but he's capable of so much more. He could be a broker and live in a big city. He won't do it because he doesn't want to work for anybody. Is this an attitude that he can grow out of? Or is it too late?

Edited May 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted response to deleted post ~6

May 7, 2016

I think you are worried about nothing. You are only 19 and he is only 21! You are in an LDR, sorry but the odds are when you start spending more time together the whole thing probably won't even last.

Meh, you'll both have plenty of life experiences in your 20s, probably end up dating other people. Don't worry about it.

May 7, 2016

Also, I have another question for everybody. Is it b****y to make some suggestions, like "That's great that you're interested in finance, but working with a company or a firm might be a more reliable career if you're interested in working in that field." I'm trying to build him up. I want him to see that it's not "conforming" or "giving up your dreams" to work for and/or with someone else. So far, his only boss and coworker has been his father.

May 7, 2016

Also, I have another question for everybody. Is it b****y to make some suggestions, like "That's great that you're interested in finance, but working with a company or a firm might be a more reliable career if you're interested in working in that field." I'm trying to build him up. I want him to see that it's not "conforming" or "giving up your dreams" to work for and/or with someone else. So far, his only boss and coworker has been his father.

I really think you are taking far too much responsibility and started acting like his mother. It's not a good trait to have, it will either annoy him long term or turn him into a dependent child. He is an adult, he has a right to make his choices, yours aren't better, they are just different.

You can either accept him or you can't. How would you feel if your boyfriend started dominating you and dismissing what you want.

May 7, 2016

I'd honestly not get too emotionally invested in what he does with his future. It sounds hollow, but just enjoy the relationship as it is, because 401K's and career trajectory don't usually end up things to worry about in LDR between two young folks.

May 7, 2016

First he'd have to have money. He's only going to get any investors if he's first worked for some reputable firm so he has a track record. And his appearance is going to have to change some to do that or to meet future investors.

May 7, 2016

Day traders use their own money to invest and that is why it is not a great career choice, because they may not break even, if it is possible to make money at all, many make a loss. Long hours and loads of research into the market needed and keeping on top of the trends minute by minute, second by second, is not an easy option. Nine to five may indeed be preferable.

Those who work for companies use other people's money and that is more lucrative, they get a salary, bonuses if they are good at the job and take no hit when the trades go badly.

Also there is a lot of big money manipulation of markets and people in the know are "in the know", working from home as a sole trader with limited funds especially without the necessary contacts, is going to be hard going.

Not impossible, he may have a flair for it, but it is risky and highly stressful too.

Edited May 7, 2016 by elaine567

May 8, 2016

The day trade thing won't happen. He could do well working for himself in construction and do just as well as a lot of people with degrees. Besides not going to school full time, is he a hard worker? If the answer is yes, then he might be ok. If no, then you're always going to have a problem with him. If he's going to do well working for himself, he will have to work harder than working for a boss.

May 8, 2016

Day traders use their own money to invest and that is why it is not a great career choice, because they may not break even, if it is possible to make money at all, many make a loss. Long hours and loads of research into the market needed and keeping on top of the trends minute by minute, second by second, is not an easy option. Nine to five may indeed be preferable.
Those who work for companies use other people's money and that is more lucrative, they get a salary, bonuses if they are good at the job and take no hit when the trades go badly.
Also there is a lot of big money manipulation of markets and people in the know are "in the know", working from home as a sole trader with limited funds especially without the necessary contacts, is going to be hard going.
Not impossible, he may have a flair for it, but it is risky and highly stressful too.

Yep, agreed. My friend's ex-bf (she left him and this was part of the reason) had parents who let him day trade with their money. He lost all their money a couple times over and they gave him more and he lost it again. To say he was stressed out is an understatement. Depressed, I would even say suicidal. The basic premise is there is no easy way out of hard work. There used to be a way which was the rise of the day trader in which you were trading on funds you didn't really have. Basically making the trades for paper dollars, back and forth, trying to be faster than the market. I think there are regulations in place since the stock market thing of 2007 where there have to be actual funds AND the big commercial trading firms speed up their wiring (yes electronic wiring) because those who get their trades in in a timely manner are the ones who make money on a trade (by milliseconds). The firms actually physically move their offices or their computer systems closer to those of the stock market to make these gains in time. There was a great 60 minutes on that a few years ago. So I think effectively the days of wild wild west day trading are over. Unless you are managing a huge fund of capital from private investors who trust you because you have a ton of expertise or a stellar track record (like the guy in the big short played by christian bale--the book was way better!).

there were tons of articles I found just in a quick search, here is one:

Day Trading Salary - How much money can you really make?

Having several guys friends that work as traders or brokers, it's a tough business and requires a lot of work and depending where you live if you are trading, very early wake ups!! Yes, you can totally make a ton of money if that's what he's after and if he is looking for that get-rich-quick feeling, it can be found there as well. If he's looking basically to day trading because he thinks it will offer him the freedom to set his own schedule and no stress of reporting to someone else AND the possibility of making a ton of money, um yeah not so much. Like most good investing, it needs a decent amount of investment capital and a long term investing strategy. Not that you can't do the shorter, riskier stuff--that's pretty much what day trading is about.

It's possible but not likely. I agree with the last few posts though that it's soon to be worrying about your future. If you two have fun right now as a 22/19 year old couple, then enjoy that. The future has a way of figuring itself out. Honestly though it does sound like from the undertone of your posts that you have issue with it (which I do understand). If you don't respect the way he is living his life now, then you should do the kind thing and break up with him. And I also agree that you can be supportive and offer suggestions and advice when he wants to discuss his future and is open to hearing it--but to bring it up and try to nudge him into doing something or hearing your proposals, is going to cause conflict and resentment and is too mother-vibe!

For the record, back to the story with my bf at 19, I never told him what job I wanted him to do or anything. It was just apparent to me when he spoke of those things how different we were, like I would be stunned into silence and feel kinda bad for him. It was some of the very few times that it would cross my mind that maybe we wouldn't be together so these were things that weirdly gave me the best sense of clarity about him/our future. Whereas the other stuff, that should have ALSO been a red flag, I was willing to work on, fight with him about and overlook (stupid, i know!). The point is that even at 19, I understood that I did not want to be a nag or dictate those sorts of choices in my guy's life. Does this make sense? Good luck with everything.

May 8, 2016

Also, I have another question for everybody. Is it b****y to make some suggestions, like "That's great that you're interested in finance, but working with a company or a firm might be a more reliable career if you're interested in working in that field." I'm trying to build him up. I want him to see that it's not "conforming" or "giving up your dreams" to work for and/or with someone else. So far, his only boss and coworker has been his father.

It's not bitchy, but it's also not your place to do this. A general rule of thumb is to not give advice unless it's asked for.

Also, if your parents think that those without degrees are scum, I can't imagine them welcoming this guy into the family. For that matter, does he know your parent's attitude? It would be so hurtful to him and his family

May 8, 2016

It's not bitchy, but it's also not your place to do this. A general rule of thumb is to not give advice unless it's asked for.

Also, if your parents think that those without degrees are scum, I can't imagine them welcoming this guy into the family. For that matter, does he know your parent's attitude? It would be so hurtful to him and his family

Good points. I was also wondering if how your parents feel about those without degrees and your bf turning 23 soon has something to do with the rushed feeling to get this sorted out. Are you worried that they will believe that when he turns 23, in their opinion, he needs to be on a career track since his peers will be finishing college at that age? And you are trying to protect him from them and vice versa? And are you worried that as he gets older, ie turning 23, they will amp up the pressure that you have a bf who is "going to do something with his life?"

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