I4givehim Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 Someone said to me "they never get caught with their first affair." Most likely your STBXH has had other A on you. I never heard this before. Is it true??
Lady Hamilton Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 No, it is not universally true. I don't think it's even generally true. 2
Jersey born raised Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 Is the WS using burner phones (walmart with 50.00 usage card around 100.00). Are they using apps that are difficult or impossible to retive deleated messages? I could list more but my point is the more "sophistication" used to hide the adultery the more likely one or both parties have been to that rodeo before. Could you provide more details on what happened? 1
Jersey born raised Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 After I posted I noticed you had 168 posts to date. I skimmed many of them to get a sense of you and your marriage. You are begining to chase your tail. You had a similar thread in march of 2015. Living in limbo slowly destroyes your soul. Your husband did move back in on a lawyers advise. My first piece of advise for a BH is to stay in the house, not staying only allows the WS to inflict more damage. Your husband has reversed this advise. How are you doing on your desire to divorce? That is the real question. Be well 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 I4givehim... If ever a misnomer existed..... And actually, you shouldn't. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 Someone said to me "they never get caught with their first affair." Most likely your STBXH has had other A on you. I never heard this before. Is it true?? I had one affair...a one time encounter...I confessed I don't think generalities necessarily apply. Can it be true? probably..... Is it true...not in my case. 2
Lois_Griffin Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 Taking a quick look at the OPs posting history, I don't expect her to come back to this thread and actually reply to any of the advice or questions everyone took the time to post to her. So, I'll just say it's very possible he's had other affairs. He's shown you he has the lack of character that would allow him to do it, so anything's possible. 3
oldshirt Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 depending on how you want to define an "affair" I think it's true. Someone pulling off million dollar bank heist, did not start out with million dollar bank heists and that was not their first crime. They started out years earlier by snatching a Snickers from a convenience store. They started with a snickers then worked their way up to a Baby Ruth, then a neighbors baseball bat and glove and then at some point knocked off a Quick Trip for cash and cigarettes in the middle of the night. As their career developed the learned more about how to develop their craft and they met and networked and learned more from other criminals. They may have even gotten caught with some of the smaller crimes and spent time in the county jail or even the state penitentiary where they met up with and learned from the real criminals in the big leagues. The same is true for infidelity, but again it depends on how you want to define an affair. if an affair to you is an ongoing relationship of clandestine candlelight dinners in the back corner of an out of town restaurant and stolen meetings in a high rise hotel where future plans of leaving marraiges and making new lives together are devised, then I would say that probably all started years ago with some gooogely eyes and maybe some groping with a coworker in the copy room. If you don't consider the gooogely eyes and copping a feel in the copy room, then who knows where it all started. Bank heists begin as snatching a candy bar from the corner convenience store. If your kid comes to you with tears in his eyes and a look of terror and confesses he swiped a Snickers from the corner Git-N-Go, there is a possibility that was his first offense and he is feeling the guilt of his/her actions. But if you are watching TV and the local news station interrupts the regularly scheduled programing to go live and you see your kid in a high speed chase and shoot out with police after knocking off the First National Bank, that means you have missed years and years worth of stolen Snickers and cigarettes and late night hold ups at Quick Trip. 6
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 depending on how you want to define an "affair" I think it's true. Someone pulling off million dollar bank heist, did not start out with million dollar bank heists and that was not their first crime. They started out years earlier by snatching a Snickers from a convenience store. They started with a snickers then worked their way up to a Baby Ruth, then a neighbors baseball bat and glove and then at some point knocked off a Quick Trip for cash and cigarettes in the middle of the night. As their career developed the learned more about how to develop their craft and they met and networked and learned more from other criminals. They may have even gotten caught with some of the smaller crimes and spent time in the county jail or even the state penitentiary where they met up with and learned from the real criminals in the big leagues. The same is true for infidelity, but again it depends on how you want to define an affair. if an affair to you is an ongoing relationship of clandestine candlelight dinners in the back corner of an out of town restaurant and stolen meetings in a high rise hotel where future plans of leaving marraiges and making new lives together are devised, then I would say that probably all started years ago with some gooogely eyes and maybe some groping with a coworker in the copy room. If you don't consider the gooogely eyes and copping a feel in the copy room, then who knows where it all started. Bank heists begin as snatching a candy bar from the corner convenience store. If your kid comes to you with tears in his eyes and a look of terror and confesses he swiped a Snickers from the corner Git-N-Go, there is a possibility that was his first offense and he is feeling the guilt of his/her actions. But if you are watching TV and the local news station interrupts the regularly scheduled programing to go live and you see your kid in a high speed chase and shoot out with police after knocking off the First National Bank, that means you have missed years and years worth of stolen Snickers and cigarettes and late night hold ups at Quick Trip. Good theory ... Totally wrong in my case.
Arieswoman Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 OP, Who knows? Cheaters are always liars - it goes with the territory. So once they've been caught out, the BS will never know how far back in time their deception has extended. That's why I'm not a fan of reconciliation after an affair 3
understand50 Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 Someone said to me "they never get caught with their first affair." Most likely your STBXH has had other A on you. I never heard this before. Is it true?? This is a generality, for every example you can give of it being true, you can find another where it is not. Same for reconciliation. Each relationship is its own and has its own "truths" My two cents
sandylee1 Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 Some confess or get caught on their first affair. Some have been cheating from day 1. From recollection and his attitude your H sounds the type who may well have had previous affairs. Many BSs demand a polygraph after discovering the affair and then they hear about several other infidelities. There's no way you can say everyone caught has has other affairs though ....... I mean you have to start somewhere right. Are you still getting divorced? The longer you stay.. The more of your pension he'll be entitled to. 1
sidney2718 Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 After I posted I noticed you had 168 posts to date. I skimmed many of them to get a sense of you and your marriage. You are begining to chase your tail. You had a similar thread in march of 2015. Living in limbo slowly destroyes your soul. Your husband did move back in on a lawyers advise. My first piece of advise for a BH is to stay in the house, not staying only allows the WS to inflict more damage. Your husband has reversed this advise. How are you doing on your desire to divorce? That is the real question. Be well In some states, leaving the marital home is considered to be abandonment of the spouse. Which is why lawyers in many states say "don't move out." 1
sidney2718 Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 OP, Who knows? Cheaters are always liars - it goes with the territory. So once they've been caught out, the BS will never know how far back in time their deception has extended. That's why I'm not a fan of reconciliation after an affair Problem with that is that even if they've NOT been caught you will never know for certain that there has been previous deception. 1
Author I4givehim Posted May 8, 2016 Author Posted May 8, 2016 He was SERVED!!! It's just the beginning but I'm getting there. Its going to be a long road but I know at the end of the road there is going to be happiness, self respect and peace. .... As far as this being his first A. I have a gut feeling it's not. I will never know the truth. He will never tell me. My gut has never done me wrong. One A or ten A it's all wrong. 3
Poutrew Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 He was SERVED!!! It's just the beginning but I'm getting there. Its going to be a long road but I know at the end of the road there is going to be happiness, self respect and peace. .... As far as this being his first A. I have a gut feeling it's not. I will never know the truth. He will never tell me. My gut has never done me wrong. One A or ten A it's all wrong. Good for you One bit of advice. After all is said and done, don't be in such a hurry to get attached to someone else. Play the single card a while. Just keep your options open...
Arieswoman Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 sidney post #15 Problem with that is that even if they've NOT been caught you will never know for certain that there has been previous deception. Exactly ! “One lie has the power to tarnish a thousand truths.” ― Al David
anika99 Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 depending on how you want to define an "affair" I think it's true. Someone pulling off million dollar bank heist, did not start out with million dollar bank heists and that was not their first crime. They started out years earlier by snatching a Snickers from a convenience store. They started with a snickers then worked their way up to a Baby Ruth, then a neighbors baseball bat and glove and then at some point knocked off a Quick Trip for cash and cigarettes in the middle of the night. As their career developed the learned more about how to develop their craft and they met and networked and learned more from other criminals. They may have even gotten caught with some of the smaller crimes and spent time in the county jail or even the state penitentiary where they met up with and learned from the real criminals in the big leagues. The same is true for infidelity, but again it depends on how you want to define an affair. if an affair to you is an ongoing relationship of clandestine candlelight dinners in the back corner of an out of town restaurant and stolen meetings in a high rise hotel where future plans of leaving marraiges and making new lives together are devised, then I would say that probably all started years ago with some gooogely eyes and maybe some groping with a coworker in the copy room. If you don't consider the gooogely eyes and copping a feel in the copy room, then who knows where it all started. Bank heists begin as snatching a candy bar from the corner convenience store. If your kid comes to you with tears in his eyes and a look of terror and confesses he swiped a Snickers from the corner Git-N-Go, there is a possibility that was his first offense and he is feeling the guilt of his/her actions. But if you are watching TV and the local news station interrupts the regularly scheduled programing to go live and you see your kid in a high speed chase and shoot out with police after knocking off the First National Bank, that means you have missed years and years worth of stolen Snickers and cigarettes and late night hold ups at Quick Trip. Yeah, but since people get better with practice, isn't it more likely that people will be caught in their first affair? Before they have learned about secret phones, messaging apps, and deleting all traces of the affair. It seems to me that the inexperienced cheater will be caught far easier than the seasoned one. Experienced cheaters probably did get caught a time or two in their early days of cheating and then learned from their mistakes and then got better at not getting caught. 1
sidney2718 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Good for you One bit of advice. After all is said and done, don't be in such a hurry to get attached to someone else. Play the single card a while. Just keep your options open... Let me second this. You will be strongly tempted to grab the first OK-seeming candidate. Let some time pass before making any commitments.
Author I4givehim Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 Good for you One bit of advice. After all is said and done, don't be in such a hurry to get attached to someone else. Play the single card a while. Just keep your options open... Oh!!! I have no intention of dating time soon. I am looking forward to my freedom. It's all about me!!!!
oldshirt Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 Yeah, but since people get better with practice, isn't it more likely that people will be caught in their first affair? Before they have learned about secret phones, messaging apps, and deleting all traces of the affair. It seems to me that the inexperienced cheater will be caught far easier than the seasoned one. Experienced cheaters probably did get caught a time or two in their early days of cheating and then learned from their mistakes and then got better at not getting caught. That's why I said if someone has been having an ongoing, passionate affair for months and months and months with frequent meetings and future planning etc etc, it's not their first rodeo. There are obviously affairs that start out pretty fast and passionate. I personally know a couple that met at their respective spouse's class reunion on a Friday night and by Monday were planning their divorces and announcing their departures from their marriages. But for the most things in life, things move in increments. Things usually start out small and inconsequencial and increases with time and experience. When we hear these stories of affairs that have lasted multiple months or even years and WS's are basically leading double lives, that's usually not their first rodeo and even if it is technically their first affair, it doesn't really matter because it probably still started out simple and innocent enough in the very beginning that it almost is a completely different affair than how it started out.
MidnightBlue1980 Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 Someone said to me "they never get caught with their first affair." Most likely your STBXH has had other A on you. I never heard this before. Is it true?? You only get caught when you want to be caught. I read my text messages right in front of my husband. My husband left his phone on the bed. xMM was always mad at me for being so careless. And my husband just wanted me to find out. We were both stuck in the web. But if you want to cheat, it's pretty easy. Double lives. It will take 30 years off your life though.
Liam1 Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 Someone said to me "they never get caught with their first affair." Most likely your STBXH has had other A on you. I never heard this before. Is it true?? No. I do not think it is ALWAYS true. People, who are not professional counselors, are always full of advice after an affair, but most of it is rooted in their own fear and angst. If your spouse had an affair, marriage counseling may help both of you, even if you still choose to divorce. If your spouse will not go to counseling, go to counseling on your own. If you talk to a qualified infidelity counselor you will find that they counsel many people who had just ONE affair.
Miss Clavel Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 In some states, leaving the marital home is considered to be abandonment of the spouse. Which is why lawyers in many states say "don't move out." i was told by my lawyer that as long as my name is on the deed there is no abandonment.
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