kztar Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 Hi everyone, So there's this guy I have some history with from a few years ago. Well this guy and I dated (sort of) but whatever things went sour and he took his route and I took mines. We had a very strong connection and things were very strongly when we were "dating". We were both very young (22) at the time and he was just elsewhere, so me being me, I dumped him and kept it moving. I liked him and whatnot but I was not in love with him and I also had gigs. He got a girlfriend a few weeks later and was with this girl for almost two years. The issue is this guy has never really left me alone. When he broke up with his last girl he was calling me and texting me. I entertained the conversations but I would always be very mean to him in person. Basically I would make plans with him and turned him down without notice If something better popped up, show up to his house and turn him on and then leave among other things. I did not care if he never spoke to me again every time I hung out with him and did these selfish acts. I was much younger so I was living a very careless life. Well despite all of this, he still manages to try and find me and contact me. About a year ago he found me on linkedin and sent me a message. We became "friends" again and followed each other on social media. Instagram and Snapchat. At this time I had a boyfriend who I was madly in love with so he kept his distance but still tried to get me to go out to dinner and hang out, as a good girlfriend I always declined. Well he also had or has a girlfriend and this is where the issue begins. A few months ago he found out I broke up with my ex and ofcourse he called me and texted me yet again trying to "catch up". He has a girlfriend at the time so I was confused of his motives. We spoke and he told me that he was "happy" with his girlfriend but he didnt see a future with her because she has a child. I was heartbroken at the time and the only advise I gave him was "break her heart now and dont string her along because this was just done to me and if you don't see a future with someone, specially someone who has a child, you need to not string them along". He said yeah we'll see. Left the conversation there until a few days ago my birthday. He texts me says happy birthday and asked me about my trip to Mexico which was last week. He said I want to take you to dinner for your birthday and whatever I agree despite knowing about his girlfriend which is not my problem. We meet up and he surprised me at this super fancy place in Manhattan, he knows I love wine, so got me a bottle of this super expensive wine along with dinner. This doesn't stop here, it was my birthday so he asked the waitress to bring me a surprise dessert and had everyone at this restaurant sing me a happy birthday. THIS WAS all a surprise to me as I only expected a regular dinner. Bill was about $260 dollars (I peeped the bill although he didnt want me to see) but he said, I hope I gave you an amazing birthday and it's not over yet. He held my hand and told me that he and I should of always been together, that he thinks i'd be a great wife, mother and all these other weird things. I was speechless, with nothing to respond as I was not expecting any of that. He asked me that if I would get in a relationship if he broke up with his current girlfriend and so on. Then he convinced me to go to his house for some wine and to smoke some hookah. I agreed after one full hour of convincing. The issue was finally we're hanging out and his current ex or gf shows up at his door when I was getting ready to leave. This girl called him about 67 times and sent him over 100 text messages and of course he ignored the door. I told him he had to deal with her because I had to go home. After banging on the door, he finally opened the door and told her she had to leave that they were over and so on. She did not see me as I told him to deal with her and I would leave when she was out of sight as she was not MY problem. Girl finally left after all this nonsense but now she's found out it was me that was with him and she won't stop contacting me. She got my number apparently from his computer, She's been calling me nonstop, private and showing her number, she now found me on Instagram and sent me a message there. I have not accepted the message yet as she is not my IG friend but she's starting to become VERY annoying. I spoke to him and I told him to tell her to stop contacting me as I have nothing to say to her, but she's starting to get under my skin calling me. So basically, I want to know a polite way to respond to this girl because if she keeps bothering me, I am at the verge of loosing it and saying nasty things to her and I DON'T want to because I am human and she's probably looking for answers. I've been on her side of the stick so im trying to be a little empathetic here but im not giving her answers, that's not my job nor my problem. For reference, I did not sleep with her boyfriend or ex and I do not want a relationship with him, specially after the way that he treated her and kicked her out of his house when I was there. No way I would allow someone to disrespect me that way and not just leave and NEVER look back. But whatever, some advice here will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
deadparrot Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 I don't think you have to be polite at this point. I'd say or send the following. "I am not dating him. I have no interest in dating him. Do not contact me again. If you continue, I will contact the authorities." 1
NTV Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 You're worried about this girl, and that's not the biggest problem. The biggest problem is that you said you were being a good girlfriend, but you were talking to another dude on snapchat. That's not a good girlfriend actions. And if he's talking to you while dating other people, he's not good boyfriend material either. You'd probably be better off trying to have a relationship that was completely on the up and up to see if you can. Because if you can't, then at least you know you shouldn't be getting married. And if you can, then you'll already be set.... Of course, I don't expect you to listen to anything I said... I'm just some stranger on the internet.
Cinnamonstix Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 When you act selfishly, allowing a guy you have no interest in to blow $260 on you, all the while with the stance that him having a gf is his problem, you will find yourself in pickles such as these. You deserve the mess you're in. Sorry. 3
Emilia Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 The problem is boundaries. None of you have any. Your ex doesn't, evidence is that he keeps contacting you for years despite the poor treatment. You don't, you allow contact and a dysfunctional relationship with him (some might even describe your behaviour as toxic). His ex doesn't, who the hell with boundaries behaves in a needy way like she has been. When you keep attracting drama in your life, you need to take a hard look at how you behave and what you allow. You have to cut your ex out of your life and you need to learn how to set boundaries with people and also how to respect theirs. You have been treating your ex really badly, it is emotional immaturity. you are bringing this on yourself. 2
Author kztar Posted May 6, 2016 Author Posted May 6, 2016 I don't think you have to be polite at this point. I'd say or send the following. "I am not dating him. I have no interest in dating him. Do not contact me again. If you continue, I will contact the authorities." She continued calling me and texting me, therefore I had to send her a message along these lines. I was very polite but I told her to please deal with her problems with HER boyfriend, not with me. She has finally stopped.
Zahara Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 I think all this is very toxic. For one, you likely just love the attention he gives you more than anything else. He on the other hand, craves being treated poorly. Lacking boundaries on both parts -- him seeking the attention of another woman while with someone else and you entertaining a man that is in a relationship with someone else. There is no need go off on his girlfriend. A short statement and be done. Your actions have repercussions. You need to deal with it. If you were in her shoes, I have a feeling you'd be brewing up a huge storm too. So take accountability for your actions -- send her a quick response i.e. from deadparrot and block her on social media. Then cut contact with him. 3
Author kztar Posted May 6, 2016 Author Posted May 6, 2016 You're worried about this girl, and that's not the biggest problem. The biggest problem is that you said you were being a good girlfriend, but you were talking to another dude on snapchat. That's not a good girlfriend actions. And if he's talking to you while dating other people, he's not good boyfriend material either. You'd probably be better off trying to have a relationship that was completely on the up and up to see if you can. Because if you can't, then at least you know you shouldn't be getting married. And if you can, then you'll already be set.... Of course, I don't expect you to listen to anything I said... I'm just some stranger on the internet. Hi NTV Thanks for your response. Wait, just responding to a message saying hello from someone you have no interest in is not a good girlfriend action?. I was not engaging in constant conversation but rather being polite and responding by saying hello. I did not entertain conversations with him while I was in a relationship and he understood, however I respect your opinion. I would not consider him for a serious relationship because as you said he's definitely not boyfriend material. I just recently got out of a relationship with my ex because he pulled a similar move on me which is why I was attempting to be empathetic to this girl. My motto is if you do it to someone else you'd do it to me so thats out of the question.
Author kztar Posted May 6, 2016 Author Posted May 6, 2016 The problem is boundaries. None of you have any. Your ex doesn't, evidence is that he keeps contacting you for years despite the poor treatment. You don't, you allow contact and a dysfunctional relationship with him (some might even describe your behaviour as toxic). His ex doesn't, who the hell with boundaries behaves in a needy way like she has been. When you keep attracting drama in your life, you need to take a hard look at how you behave and what you allow. You have to cut your ex out of your life and you need to learn how to set boundaries with people and also how to respect theirs. You have been treating your ex really badly, it is emotional immaturity. you are bringing this on yourself. Hi Emilia, I agree I think that's something that I personally need to work on PERIOD. Boundaries are so important in all relationships and even friendships. Right now in this particular situation but also in other situations that i've been including with my last relationship. Honestly yes when I was 22 I was emotionally immature, now 26 not so much. I did go out on this dinner with the intentions of enjoying dinner. Everything else just happened. I just really think that he is the one with the girlfriend, therefore it's his job to sustain his relationship. I didn't pursue him. Something similar happened to me and I never contacted that girl, there was no point. Whatever my ex did was on him not on her. If she was pursuing him and he entertained that was not her fault. He should have been the one to not entertain anyone but his own girlfriend who was me at the time.
Author kztar Posted May 6, 2016 Author Posted May 6, 2016 I think all this is very toxic. For one, you likely just love the attention he gives you more than anything else. He on the other hand, craves being treated poorly. Lacking boundaries on both parts -- him seeking the attention of another woman while with someone else and you entertaining a man that is in a relationship with someone else. There is no need go off on his girlfriend. A short statement and be done. Your actions have repercussions. You need to deal with it. If you were in her shoes, I have a feeling you'd be brewing up a huge storm too. So take accountability for your actions -- send her a quick response i.e. from deadparrot and block her on social media. Then cut contact with him. Hi Zahara, I replied a very short but polite statement and she has stopped contacting me. As far as him, I have not heard from him since this morning. He basically said she's going crazy and she's got your number and will contact you but ignore it. I will not be speaking to him any further. Dinner was nice, I said thank you the day of and I have no further comments to say.
Cinnamonstix Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 Hi Emilia, I agree I think that's something that I personally need to work on PERIOD. Boundaries are so important in all relationships and even friendships. Right now in this particular situation but also in other situations that i've been including with my last relationship. Honestly yes when I was 22 I was emotionally immature, now 26 not so much. I did go out on this dinner with the intentions of enjoying dinner. Everything else just happened. I just really think that he is the one with the girlfriend, therefore it's his job to sustain his relationship. I didn't pursue him. Something similar happened to me and I never contacted that girl, there was no point. Whatever my ex did was on him not on her. If she was pursuing him and he entertained that was not her fault. He should have been the one to not entertain anyone but his own girlfriend who was me at the time. True emotional maturity involves being responsible for your actions and how they affect other people - even people that you do not know. Emotional intelligence also involves having empathy for others. If you were really empathetic, you would have considered his gf's feelings BEFORE deciding to have dinner with a guy who obviously has feelings for you. Good for you for realizing he is not bf material, but you still have a long way to go, maturity wise. 2
Zahara Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 It may be his relationship to sustain but don't you have accountability in terms of having healthy boundaries, a sense of wrong and right, a moral compass, or some level of empathy -- having the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes and considering their feelings? Learn from this unfortunate situation.
Raena Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 Just my opinion... but I think there is a part of you that understands that you played a part in this drama... even if you don't want to admit it. I think you have some guilt over the fact that this guy took you out on a date to an expensive dinner and you then went back to his house with him, knowing full well that he had a girlfriend. It doesn't matter what your intentions were. If you didn't want drama, you could have outright asked him if he was involved before going out with him and said no or told him to bring his girlfriend along too. If you dig down deep, I'm sure you can admit to yourself that what you did was not ok. It sounds to me like you are putting all the blame on him for inviting you and throwing himself at you and on her for coming after you for going out to dinner with her SO. It isn't that hard to just send a text ending her drama. Heck, you could have opened the door and told her to her face that you two are just friends and you are happy to meet her. When she was calling him multiple times... it didn't occur to you to ask him why his phone was ringing nonstop or to just end the date and go home after dinner? I know my response is a bit harsh, but I just don't understand it. People put themselves in these situations all the time and then blame the other people for the reaction. It isn't just his responsibility for his relationship, it's also your responsibility to not put yourself in those kinds of situations. It's one thing to not know a man is involved and be blindsided. It's another thing to know full well a man is involved and still go out to dinner and back to his house with him anyway.
Imajerk17 Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 (edited) Hi Emilia, I agree I think that's something that I personally need to work on PERIOD. Boundaries are so important in all relationships and even friendships. Right now in this particular situation but also in other situations that i've been including with my last relationship. Honestly yes when I was 22 I was emotionally immature, now 26 not so much. I did go out on this dinner with the intentions of enjoying dinner. Everything else just happened. I just really think that he is the one with the girlfriend, therefore it's his job to sustain his relationship. I didn't pursue him. Something similar happened to me and I never contacted that girl, there was no point. Whatever my ex did was on him not on her. If she was pursuing him and he entertained that was not her fault. He should have been the one to not entertain anyone but his own girlfriend who was me at the time. Yes you do have stuff to work on, good for you for acknowledging that. Including realizing that the situations that you find yourself in don't "just happen", you LET them happen. Edited May 7, 2016 by Imajerk17
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