My GF has me wondering if long term is possible.Rage episodes, bible interpretations

[bullitt1017]

I'll be as short as possible but there's a lot to explain here.

 

My GF and I have been in a relationship for a little over two years. She's 23 and I'm 28-years-old.

 

Last year we broke up for two months. She left to find someone closer to God was her reasoning. But I'll be honest, I was on the brink then to jump ship.

 

Before the breakup it was not pretty. She would have episodes of intense rage which resulted in a damaged dashboard on my then new car, she would drink and party so much that It began to cause a rift. She has what I would consider a need for "attention" and this has never changed. She graduated college last year with a 4.0. But after that she just turned up the party behavior with people we go to church with. I would go with every now and then but drinking isn't anything I care for.

 

Then My grandmother's funeral happened and the day I returned home she left.

 

I cut all contact, never called, deleted facebook, Done. I never tried to get her back. Because seriously, her behavior was horrid. That was not easy by any means but I did ok.

 

Fast forward two months. She shows up at my job. Tells me she's sorry for being so terrible and says she wants to get back together.

 

She had just returned from Europe with a guy friend. This 38-year-old short dude even went as far as to tell her he was attracted to her while we were dating.

 

When she showed up at my job I told her to leave when I saw her, she would not. Eventually to avoid a conflict or embarrassment at work (I work in an ER) I took her to a side area and she talked. I told her she needed get her anger and overall bad behavior in check.

 

After all of that I told her no. And went back to work.

 

She started showing up at my parents house and spoke to my mom. Told her all of this "I love your son, blah blah blah". My mom was pissed but told her to get help.

 

She showed up at my place a few times too. When I wasn't there.

 

Eventually I agreed to meet and we talked. We worked through some things, she does have some really great qualities. But now here we are a year later and I'm really not sure about all of this.

 

Her behavior over the last year has gotten better. However, other things have surfaced.

 

The good:

-She's turned down the rage episodes, only 3 or 4 this last year. Has cut way back on drinking, though this may be because her friends are busy.

 

-She's caring, smart and funny and very lovely

 

-We spend a lot of time together and we enjoy each others company

 

-We like to play sports together

 

-She has a ton of compassion and empathy

 

-She supports my goals and helps me reach them

 

-We may not have a sex life until marriage but I feel like we're very close.

 

-She is a very humble person and does not care about money or material things

 

-She's there when I need her and I am for her.

 

-She's very attractive

 

The not so good:

 

-She checks my phone when I get messages. I asked her about this and she basically said it's not a problem unless I'm hiding something. This in turn has caused me to begin to not trust her. I don't check her phone.

 

-She's still a bit of an attention seeker when she's with her friends. If a new guy is around then she's all about the attention, it's a bit irratating.

 

-We haven't had sex ever since we broke up. She's says premarital sex is not what the Bible says. I get that but for a year we were like rabbits, minus the reproduction part. She's says when we're married we will have sex regularly.

 

-We both go to church but her beliefs are quite a bit more extreme then conventional standards. Her guy friend D.J., a stay at home dad/youtube weirdo, is a 40- year-old married guy with three kids, one's a newborn. He's filled her head with all kinds of "different" stuff. She believes a group called the illuminati control the world and hollywood. She believes that people in Hollywood "actors and such" are child molesters. I would say she doesn't accept basic science. Her friends think the moon landing was fake. My grandfather was a Nasa engineer in the Mercury program... she thinks my sister-in-law is a demon.

 

She soaks up this mans bull**** and it worries me if we were to have any kids what exactly she would tell them.

 

-She told me she was depressed that she wasn't able to hang out with D.J. because he's been busy with his family, (they haven't done much in the last month)

 

-I don't believe she cares for family due to none of them being "saved"

 

- She doesn't like the fact that I like Bill Nye on Facebook.

 

-She hangs out with friends, no issue with that whatsoever. She omits the fact that one friend is there because this one guy friend I believe has an interest in her and I had words with her about her behavior with him. (I actually almost broke it off for her flirty behavior with him). Basically if a group is hanging out she has neglected to tell me he's there and I find out via showing up or other friends of hers. I don't feel like I'm in insecure person but her behavior makes me wonder if she's mature enough for a real relationship.

 

-She thinks the world will "end" soon. Like less than 50 years.

 

Ok so those are the basics.

 

And I can elaborate more in the thread. But I'm looking for honest outside advise. Because her behavior makes me wonder of perhaps there is some sort of mental illness or BPD traits showing up.

 

Anyway, thanks all for your input

[mikeylo]

Relationships are weighing the good and the bad. In your case, does the good outweigh the bad or vice versa? Can you live or ignore the bad ? Can you bring yourself to work around them ?

[mrldii]

...-She's turned down the rage episodes, only 3 or 4 this last year...

 

Aside from everything/anything else, the fact that you believe that "only 3 or 4 [rage episodes] this last year" is a "good"/"better" thing

 

should tell you everything you need to know about the viability of continuing in this relationship with her.

 

 

 

Best of luck in your future, without her, OP...

[Cinnamonstix]

You don't sound compatible in many fundamental ways. This relationship will not last. Listen to your intuition. It already knows this.

[preraph]

Each to his own, but I would NEVER be able to take up with a religious fanatic. I grew up in a community of them, and no thank you. Beliefs are one thing. Thinking your way is the only way is oppressive.

 

She sounds like a big mess to me. She's still young, so there's some hope she'll change, but I certainly would not make any commitments to her. I'd keep dating other women. I'd tell her she needs to go to an anger-management class so she understands what her anger really is (fear) and not be so eager to blast it on people. I'd make her stop interfering with your phone and other dates because she is crazy enough to sabotage and block you from other women. If you can't take a person to a funeral, where can you take them?

 

Again, it's not all or nothing. You have a choice. Choose to keep it casual and don't let her call the shots there.

[Larryville]

Aside from everything/anything else, the fact that you believe that "only 3 or 4 [rage episodes] this last year" is a "good"/"better" thing

should tell you everything you need to know about the viability of continuing in this relationship with her.

 

BINGO!

 

Another example of someone not valuing their instincts, using common sense and following their gut, settling and wasting time with someone who clearly has issues. Feel free to keep dwelling... time is a terrible thing to waste.

[RecentChange]

 

The conspiracy theory stuff alone would send me running for the hills - but I can't tolerate a conversation with someone who doesn't dwell in the rational world - let alone take up a relationship with them.

 

Many agree that key compatibles for a relationship include similar views on religion, sexual intimacy, finances.

 

The whole "rage episodes" thing I would find completely intolerable - I expect adults to have greater control of their emotions. What kind of mother do you think she will be? Do you think she could keep this rage episodes under wraps when sleep deprived and stressed?

 

I also couldn't imagine marrying someone that I could walk away from. You have been able to cut her out of your life once already. That makes me think that you do not love her in the "I can't live with out you, no one could ever replace you" kind of way.

 

Long lasting relationships hit bumps, and the couple works TOGETHER to get through them and survive.

 

You have already broken up once - how would you feel about a divorce down the road?

 

Marriage doesn't change people, or make things "better"

 

I think the red flags are waving. I would want a partner that is more mentally stable. A partner that was firmly seated in REALITY. One that doesn't follow a cult type leader. One who didn't think family members were demons.....

 

I think you can do better.

[Urban_decay]

You sound like a really good guy with a good head on your shoulders. Your gut is telling you something isn't right and I think you are right in listening to your gut. I read your pros and cons with deep thought. Her pros are good but I'm going to be honest and tell you that those are characteristics or qualities that should be a part of anyone's relationship. Your cons concern me. Her going through your phone is a sign of control and mistrust. Perhaps she is the one that has something to hide and mirrors her own distrustful behaviors onto your relationship.

 

The rage thing is frightening. It's one thing to get mad but another thing to destroy property. That is a sign abuse down the road. You need to ask yourself if you can live with the cons for long term. Are you afraid of what she might do if you break things off with her? Is this why you stay?

 

This just seems unhealthy to me and you deserve better.

[Gaeta]

The day you come home and find that she drown in the tub your children during one of her 3-4 fits a year, it will be too late.

 

That's all I have to say.

[kendahke]

You do not sound happy.

 

You also sound like you're trying to convince yourself, more than us, about what a "great gal" she is. She's not. She's disturbed and needs to be in intensive therapy to sort it out.

 

You do not owe her what she wants and if she keeps showing up, you need to file an RO against her. Seriously. Is she going to pester everyone in your life til you give her what she wants? Will you have to lose your job before you deal seriously with her?

 

So, she damages your dashboard in your new car--I'll bet you didn't file charges against her and take her to court to pay for the damages, did you? Why not?

 

She's dangerous and manipulative. She's playing you so that you appease her so she won't let her rage off its leash. You will never have a moment's peace with someone this messed up.

 

There is nowhere near being enough to commend her. You need to leave her alone. Seriously.

[bullitt1017]

When I say that she has rage episodes it can actually vary as far as her behavior. When it happens, I feel like she has made up some sort of problem in her head and expects me to fix/understand it instantly. Once she started crying hysterically and slammed my dash with her fists after a little get together with some friends. Grand total of 6 people. She explained that two of her friends (D.J. and her other friend, a girl) were poking fun at her and I "didn't have her back".

 

I simply said in the car, before the blow up she had, that I didn't notice anyone being out of line or rude to her, not saying it didn't happen but I just couldn't tell. I told her everything seemed fine to me.

 

Then she went off. Like a switch. Told she hated me, that I'm the worst, that I was on their side, and so on... it took nearly an hour to calm her down. It was terrible. That was 6 months ago.

 

That's the typical behavior pattern.

 

 

I should note, this is actually my first long term relationship. As in longer than 3 months.

[Lois_Griffin]

So....you basically let this little drama queen manipulate you into letting her back into your life.

 

You act as though you were powerless to do anything when she showed up at your work. You weren't and you know it. You could have very easily had security throw her worthless ass out every time she showed up.

 

Why on earth anyone would take back someone whose disrespected them to the level she disrespected YOU in your first breakup makes my head spin.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

You two aren't married. Just dating. When you're dating, you should be enjoying your time with that person, getting to know them and see if you have a future with them.

 

Life is short and time is precious, OP. There are a million people out there to meet and explore life with. She has shown no true effort to change so stop wasting your time with her. Her good qualities should does not negate her bad ones.

 

Your gf:

 

1.) serious anger issues

2.) religious fanatic (almost to the point of paranoia)

3.) broke up with you when you were at a really vulnerable time in your life

4.) has no respect for your bourdaries (showing up at your place, work, parent's)

5.) no sex (after having sex with you before)

 

She needs a therapist, not a bf. YOU need to be single and enjoy life and eventually meet someone more compatible.

 

Drop her. She's not the right one for you, OP. How long will it take for you to figure that out?

[mrldii]

OP, "For better or worse" is the commitment you make after vetting the other person (through the dating and engagement period); it is NOT a commitment you make at the first meet-and-greet or because she's the first person who said, "Sure...I'll be your girlfriend!"

[pidgeon1010]

Sorry but one of the first things I thought of after reading your post was that your gf would be easily brainwashed and be susceptible to a religious sect massacre like the Jonestown mass suicide or the Branch Dividians Waco Siege (google both if you don't know the references). Sounds like Mr. D.J. already has his hook on her. That plus her anger episodes/manipulative behavior make this a very dangerous and unhealthy situation. I am actually sacred of her reaction if you try to break it off. Best wishes!

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to be asking yourself why you tolerate this unstable and inappropriate behaviour.

[bullitt1017]

 

It's one thing Are you afraid of what she might do if you break things off with her? Is this why you stay?

 

This just seems unhealthy to me and you deserve better.

 

Partly, yes. I'm not trying to paint her as a bad person. But the things I'm saying are part of who she is. Last time she left I never once contacted her. 2 months post break up she came back and just did everything she could to come into my life. But her behavior and beliefs are SO out there somedays. And I feel like if I don't in some way agree or at the very least acknowledge what she says she will get irate or think less of me. She was completely different when we were first dating.

[WellHelloThere]

What happens in a rage episode?

 

Some of her beliefs sound a little like mental illness. There's religion, where it's acceptable to believe stuff like miracles happened. But then there's paranoia and delusions like thinking all actors are child molesters and your sister in law is a demon. I draw the line between the two. Then she has stalked/harassed you. I hope she won't develop a full blown mental illness like schizophrenia. I know someone who that happened to and it came on gradually over years.

Edited May 9, 2016 by WellHelloThere

[bubbaganoosh]

Friend. She's a stalker first of all. That is bad business. Second of all her beliefs are hers and that's cool but when she starts being critical of yours then you have another problem.

 

Then the weird friend that is coaching her is always going to be in the picture so get used to it.

 

Put an end to it and if she continues showing up at Moms house or your place of employment then call the cops, have her escorted out of there and get a restraining order. She's got a ton of problems and the kind she has, you can't help her with.

[bullitt1017]

What happens in a rage episode?

 

Some of her beliefs sound a little like mental illness. There's religion, where it's acceptable to believe stuff like miracles happened. But then there's paranoia and delusions like thinking all actors are child molesters and your sister in law is a demon. I draw the line between the two. Then she has stalked/harassed you. I hope she won't develop a full blown mental illness like schizophrenia. I know someone who that happened to and it came on gradually over years.

 

 

Her rage outbursts happen typically when she drinks. But sometimes alcohol is not required. It's been a little while since the last episode. A few months. But similar behaviors occur when she is mad about what I would consider small things.

 

One time it was because I called her out on her flirting. She began to clench her fists and hit her legs. Then she started screaming but with an angry closed mouth, clenched teeth undertone. That escalated into full blown rage and slamming her fists as hard as she could into my dashboard causing damage after a few episodes.

 

Another event happen when I told her over a year ago I wanted a break because I couldn't handle her anger. She went out to her car and began beating it with a shoe. Then came back and collapsed on my floor, crying. Highly unstable.

 

Today she became mad, not enraged, because I went to an air show instead of church. I was so emotionally exhausted that I didn't even speak to her all day. This evening she call and said that I didn't give a f*** about her. Like a guilt trip. I even tried to compromise with her this morning. I'm just emotionally drained.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just end it already. This girl is mentally unstable and you cannot help her.

[TaraMaiden2]

Why the hell are you working so hard to appease her, make excuses for her, and rationalise her mental state?

If you had a sick patient in front of you, you wouldn't be trying to convince yourself that their broken leg was just a scratch, their brain haemorrhage was just a mild headache and their perforated ulcer was merely a tummy upset, would you??!

 

Dump her and take a restraining order out against her, if she begins stalking you./

The next time she calls up at Hospital - call security and have her escorted from the premises, immediately.

 

Jeesh, man.

You deal with Life/death matters frequently.

 

This is your injury.

Physician - HEAL THYSELF!!

[basil67]

Someone wrote that the pros must outweigh the cons. They are right - but I will add that they need to REALLY outweigh the cons. Personally, I wouldn't accept more than 5-10% cons.

[bathtub-row]

This isn't about whether the good outweighs the bad, if she has good qualities or not, etc. This is about you being with a mentally unstable and violent person. This is a complete dealbreaker! I don't see how you have any other choice but to get her out of your life completely. Any other option would be detrimental to your life. If she harasses you at work afterward, ask HR to help you out, or call the police. This girl is completely off her rocker and she's controlling you through your fear of her.

 

I'm guessing your mom isn't at all thrilled about you having gotten back together with her.

[Tribble]

Why the hell are you working so hard to appease her, make excuses for her, and rationalise her mental state?

 

Thing is, he's not even rationalising it anymore. All the quotes have been to tell us how bad it is and what she does when she's in a rage. All of which is unacceptable. Question is, OP, why are you hanging around? You can't seem to see any positives anymore. No I love her, when it's good it's great, none of that.

 

 

You are under no obligation to stick around. At the end of the day, you are making yourself miserable by sticking around. You cut her off once, just do it again. And stick to it this time.