I dont know how to deal with this

[Rxwoman]

Hi,

I'm in a long distance relationship for the past 3.5 years.

In a nutshell I happened onto some disturbing info about my guy by a butt-call.

He has a buddy who is gay. My guy is not gay or bi, or even bi-curious.

However during the butt-call ( no pun intended) I heard him describing some touchy-feely activities between him and his buddy.

 

Now, I know that straight men sometimes do stuff together ( everyone is bi-curious after the 5th beer...) though they will never admit to it.

However I don't know how to feel about this. I cant talk to anyone because he would be mortified if I told anyone what I heard.

Is it cheating? I'm not sure I know. Is it lying? Absolutely.

I did confront him and he started out by denying that he has any romantic feelings for this friend. I said " I know I'm not talking about romance.."

Then he tried covering for what I heard by claiming his friend did something to him once while he was asleep but it was before he and I got together.

Now he's lying so I called bs.

 

I don't know if I should let it go, be hurt, push it until he tells the truth or consider it cheating and tell him to walk.

 

What would you do? please help.

[CarrieT]

You have to tell him WHY and HOW what he is saying is BS.

 

Call him on it and get it out into the open....

[Rxwoman]

Yes,

that will not be easy and I wanted to do it in person but I just got home and it might be awhile until we are together again.

So if he actually decides to 'fess up and admits he and his friend were touching and it happened since he and I were a couple....then what?

 

Is it cheating? Am I at risk for anything?

 

I tried to put it in the perspective of 2 straight middle aged guys who's wives are out of town and they buy pizza and hit the hot tub. Several shots of something later they are doing whatever ( choking each other's chickens let's say)

 

When I think of it that way it seems somewhat harmless-ish...I think.

Of course if it was another woman I would be hiring a hit man!

 

 

So I'm not sure how to wrap my mind around it. I'm not sure I should press him ( nag, badger...) until he tells the truth ( if ever).

I just don't know what to do.

[NTV]

Everyone is NOT bi-curious after 5 beers. or even 30. At least I'm not, and most of the folks I know aren't.

 

 

I think your guy may not be fully self-aware, and accusing him of ****--even if that **** hurts--isn't going to get him to open up.

 

 

I hope you can devise a better strategy to get the info you want. Or make a decision that he isn't right for you if what you think happened really did happen.

[whichwayisup]

It's cheating. Regardless if it's a man or another woman, he's being sexual/intimate with someone else. That's wrong and he knows it.

 

I think you should talk to him and let him know that your gut is telling you something is off and that you know he's been experimenting with his guy friend. Be up front and honest about it.

 

And yes, you could be at risk for STD's.

[elaine567]

is it cheating?

Yes

am i at risk for anything?

Yes

 

...................................................................................

[heartwhole]

Please protect yourself. You are at risk of STDs.

 

And no, I don't know anyone who identifies as straight who changes that after enough alcohol. Now, there's some stigma and some bi or gay men do stuff on the "down low" while pretending to be straight. It sounds like that what you've got here. And yes, it's lying and cheating.

 

I don't see how this relationship is salvageable, or why you want to salvage it in the first place.

[stillafool]

What exactly did they say to each other? I would have to know this info to decide if you misunderstood in any way. Did it involve oral sex on each other or something?

[Confused9999]

Straight men are not bi curious no matter how many beers they have!

 

 

I just read an article which talks about that. In experiments Women are actually more bi curious and can swing in both directions given the right circumstances. However men are very specific in their desire and do NOT change.

[Lois_Griffin]

Now, I know that straight men sometimes do stuff together ( everyone is bi-curious after the 5th beer...) though they will never admit to it.

Yeah...no.

 

There isn't a truly heterosexual man on this PLANET who suddenly reconsiders his entire life's sexual orientation simply because he's had a few beers. Don't know where you heard THAT nonsense but I'd be willing to bet your MM probably told you that.

 

Secondly, he's married, so I'm not sure how his playing with his gay friend is 'cheating' on you? And I'm confused - in your first post you claim his buddy is GAY. In your next post, his buddy is suddenly heterosexual, so which is it?

 

Lastly, what your MM IS doing is risking yours and his wife's sexual health because the guy obviously lives for his d*ck and couldn't keep his zipper closed if he tried. The advantage YOU have - that his poor wife does NOT have - is that you can at least try to protect yourself from STDs since you know he crosses all kinds of lines without so much as a backward glance. His poor wife, however, doesn't have that advantage and is being exposed every single day.

[Lois_Griffin]

Please protect yourself. You are at risk of STDs.

 

And no, I don't know anyone who identifies as straight who changes that after enough alcohol. Now, there's some stigma and some bi or gay men do stuff on the "down low" while pretending to be straight. It sounds like that what you've got here. And yes, it's lying and cheating.

 

I don't see how this relationship is salvageable, or why you want to salvage it in the first place.

Exactly. Those closeted bisexuals and gays who claim to be straight but on the 'downlow' are full of crap.

 

My husband would saw off his genitals with a rusty hacksaw before going to some guy for sex on the side. Regardless of HOW many beers he may have had.

[katiegrl]

Yeah...no.

 

There isn't a truly heterosexual man on this PLANET who suddenly reconsiders his entire life's sexual orientation simply because he's had a few beers. Don't know where you heard THAT nonsense but I'd be willing to bet your MM probably told you that.

 

Secondly, he's married, so I'm not sure how his playing with his gay friend is 'cheating' on you? And I'm confused - in your first post you claim his buddy is GAY. In your next post, his buddy is suddenly heterosexual, so which is it?

 

Lastly, what your MM IS doing is risking yours and his wife's sexual health because the guy obviously lives for his d*ck and couldn't keep his zipper closed if he tried. The advantage YOU have - that his poor wife does NOT have - is that you can at least try to protect yourself from STDs since you know he crosses all kinds of lines without so much as a backward glance. His poor wife, however, doesn't have that advantage and is being exposed every single day.

 

I agree he is either gay or bi, but not getting where he is married. The *perspective* she mentioned in her second of two married men whose wives are out of town was a hypothetical. OP was the *wife* in that hypothetical.

 

That is how I interpreted it.

 

Did she mention somewhere else he is married? If so, I missed it.

 

In any event, OP get tested. Something is not adding up here.

[oldshirt]

First off, why have you burned up 3.5 years on a LDR when you could be dating flesh and blood men in your own area that you could be having a real relationship and a real future with??

 

 

 

 

But since you wrote about what you discovered in the butt-dial we'll talk about that mostly.

 

 

You are mistaken, straight heterosexual men do NOT do things with each other no matter how drunk they are. It would not even occur to them.

 

 

If one dude is passed out unconscious drunk and another dude does something to him, that is rape.

 

 

Any dude that does stuff with another dude has a degree of bisexuality or homosexuality.

 

 

I am not saying that they should be condemned or stoned or burned at the stake or anything. I am just saying that some guy that does sexual things with other men and then sits around and talks and jokes about has a door that swings both ways. He is not completely heterosexual.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So that being said, why is it that you involved with a bisexual guy for 3.5 years in a LDR when there are heterosexual men in your own location???

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then he tried covering for what I heard by claiming his friend did something to him once while he was asleep but it was before he and I got together.

Now he's lying so I called bs.

 

If some dude did something to a straight guy in his sleep, he would likely have charges filed against him once he got out of the hospital.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

Secondly, he's married, so I'm not sure how his playing with his gay friend is 'cheating' on you?

 

Lastly, what your MM IS doing is risking yours and his wife's sexual health because the guy obviously lives for his d*ck and couldn't keep his zipper closed if he tried.

 

 

 

Wait, this guy is married?????? Where are we getting that??

 

 

If that is true, now I am really confused. Why are in you in a 3.5 year LDR with a married man that does dudes on the side????

[mikeylo]

He is not straight.Its also possible that this is the first time you 'caught' him.If 5 beers did this to every guy, I would have been gay 100 times a day !

 

He is going to deny, no matter how you put it.

[Lois_Griffin]

I agree he is either gay or bi, but not getting where he is married. The *perspective* she mentioned in her second of two married men whose wives are out of town was a hypothetical. OP was the *wife* in that hypothetical.

 

That is how I interpreted it.

 

Did she mention somewhere else he is married? If so, I missed it.

 

In any event, OP get tested. Something is not adding up here.

This thread was first posted in the OW/OM boards so I was under the impression he was married. Secondly, when she's talking about this guy and his 'buddy' in the hot tub, she says they're both married and their wives are out of town.

 

So yes, I think he's a MM.

[elaine567]

I tried to put it in the perspective of 2 straight middle aged guys who's wives are out of town and they buy pizza and hit the hot tub. Several shots of something later they are doing whatever ( choking each other's chickens let's say)

 

When I think of it that way it seems somewhat harmless-ish...I think.

Of course if it was another woman I would be hiring a hit man!

 

 

I don't think two middle aged "straight" guys "choking each other's chickens" is "harmless". I guess not many would see it as such either.

I know some straight males and females engage in kissing for a laugh or for the shock factor or for effect, but "choking the chicken" is going just a bit too far, for it ever to be seen as "harmless".

[preraph]

I had a bunch of close gay guy friends back in the 80s and 90s (now deceased). So they told me a lot about themselves and their lifestyle. I have heard every single one of them tell me about some straight guy who likes to participate in oral when they're drunk but will never admit they're bi or gay. They are bi, of course, and the alternative being they're so desperate they will be with a guy because they can't get a woman or something. I think it's usually that they are bi. Everyone has the potential in them to some degree.

 

Some of those guys eventually did come out, but most were too embarrassed to do so. At least a couple of those type relationships got real chaotic and even turned violent, so it's not a healthy scenario, to say the least. Your guy wants to believe he had nothing to do with it and blame everything on his friend taking advantage of him, but he keeps going back and it's really his fault he doesn't have the courage to accept himself for who he is or at the very least, if he is that ashamed of it, make a boundary and just not do it.

 

This is not a guy you want to remain committed to. You're at least partially his beard, and that's not good.

[loverboy69]

Yeah for the most part these guys are bi (or gay) even though publicly they identify as straight.

 

However there are some studies being done on the mental effects some stimulants like meth does to the brain in regards to sexual preferences. There are lots and lots of men who swear they are 100% straight but after getting high on meth they allow themselves to experiment with other dudes (only while high).

 

Some guys just lie or live in denial so it's hard to distinguish the truth sometimes.

[Rxwoman]

Hi,

sorry for all the confusion! No he's not married he's my boyfriend of 3+ years. I was using the two married straight guys as a made up scenario of how things sometimes happen between guys, especially when alcohol is in the picture. And his buddy is gay.

I'm surprised by the rigidity of people's definitions of gay or straight.

 

 

It turns out that he misses me so much he's on his way to see me and will be here tomorrow.

I am going to confront him with what I know and how ludacris his cover story is.

I guess we'll see.

[lana-banana]

His sexuality is a red herring---plenty of bisexual people are in happy, healthy monogamous relationships---the question here is whether he's been cheating on you and the answer seems to be maybe. Please get yourself tested and in the meantime be serious when you talk to him. Be clear you don't care whether he's straight, bi or just messing around. You just want him to be faithful and right know he has given you serious cause to doubt.

 

By the way I don't think most people are quite as "fluid" as you suggest. While I know many men and women are bisexual to a degree, they don't just start experimenting whenever. Again, this is not about sexuality. If he'd gotten the call from a woman you would be (rightfully!) livid.

[Rxwoman]

Thank you lana-banana.

I will be getting checked. And I will be discussing this with him. He's going to be pulling up in a few hours ( the crazy man DROVE from the West coast, we've always flown back and forth before).

 

 

I disagree however with most everyone here regarding sexuality.

I doubt there's very many men ( or women) who could honestly deny that when he was a kid or adolescent that he didn't 'do things' with his buddies, even if it was only mutual masturbation.

It doesn't make you gay or bi, it makes you human.

People are capable of doing things that feel good. And not to get too graphic but humanity has come up with all sorts of ways for self-pleasure, including toys and devices.

The definition of gay or bi is when a person is actually sexually and romantically attracted to the same sex. Not when you got drunk and let a same sex friend put hands...or whatever, on you while you were picturing a girl in your head.

Is it wrong? If your single no. If it's done behind someone's back then yes.

So he and I will be having a discussion.

[elaine567]

I think you are desperately trying to "justify" and "normalise" in order to be able to tolerate this behaviour from him.

Your man, if he is getting into touchy feely situations with his gay friend is, I guess, bi-sexual and he is cheating on you too.

That may be OK or not with you, but suggesting straight guys and girls are getting up to "same sex" touch feely stuff all the time to justify it, is not facing reality here.

[Rxwoman]

Well I got nowhere with him except major denial and over reaction.

I tried bringing it up twice and he went ballistic.

 

 

I think this relationship is at a dead end anyway. He has too many issues.

Thanks everyone for your input.