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Does society value stay at home mothers and fathers?

wmacbride

By wmacbride
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wmacbride Established Member

wmacbride

Posted
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If you are a stay at home parent ( mom or dad), do you feel western society places any value on your role?

 

I've been a SAHM for a long time now, and through the years, I've noticed that society is great at paying lip service to someone who chooses this path, but doesn't really support it. Individually, there are many people who view someone who stays at home as being Less than" a working parent, and received lots of negative feedback over the years about it.

 

 

How do you view parents who choose to stay at home while their husband or wife works?

 

I'm not trying to make a comparison between being a working parent and a stay at home parent, as I feel both have value and a family needs to decide what works best for them.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

IDK exactly what society is but IME, generally, the social politic doesn't care whether one lives or dies other than getting their pound of flesh while alive and maybe even after dead.

 

Having lived the reverse, meaning in a community where most of the households had stay at home parents, predominantly mothers, a parent's job status was irrelevant. The way it worked on a daily basis once we were old enough was that the kids whose parents both worked would hang out at friends houses after school, which we all enjoyed anyway being kids, and their parents would sometimes have the phalax of block kids over for parties or swimming or campouts or stuff like that. It was a respectful give and take community/neighborhood.

 

Nowadays, I know my neighbor's goats better than the neighbors or their kids. However, I did see signs of the old times when talking with my lawn guy, who happens to live next door to one of my rentals, and watching people stop and talk with him and seeing how involved people are in the neighborhood, regardless of their status (his case retired but some SAHM's and some working mothers).

 

Perhaps this dynamic is more focused or polarized in large cities, which are beyond the scope of my experience, or nationally. For myself, being in the same place for over five decades, pretty much a non-issue. If my exW and I would have had kids, I'd have been a SAHD since my job was right here on the ranch. No one would care. Life would go on. YMMV.

lucy_in_disguise Established Member

lucy_in_disguise

Posted
Posted

I think that depends on what you really mean by that question. Of course there is value to the kids and family from having a stay at home parent, and maybe some value to the immediate community, which I think most people can acknowledge. If you are talking value to society as a whole, i am guessing probably not.

 

That being said, i think there is still a negative connotation associated with being a stay at home dad, but I dont think thats the case for mom's. When i think of stay at home moms I think: financially well-off and lucky. It is a path I would have loved to take but not one that is feasible for everyone.

Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
Posted

The idea of a stay at home mum or dad is depressing to me. I don't think you need a stay at home parent to raise a well adjusted child. Out of my friends that did SAHM for a while, most talked about challenges of feeling lonely or bored. I don't buy that SAHM is a full time job in itself. There are only so many household chores you can do and small children sleep a lot. Those women also put themselves in a very vulnerable position of being totally dependent on the husband for both money and adult company.

 

That's my take on it though. I think society as a whole values SAHMs much more than childless career women ;)

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carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

The concept of community parenting has waned around here over the decades but my remembrance of how it went was, well, there was the mommy hotline and every mother knew every other mother and, well, bust it out at Johnny's house and his mom would light into one and then call up one's mom and a few choice words would ensue and it was home to get some more of the same :D

 

Parenting was a full-time job, even when the kids weren't underfoot. Chores to arrange, schoolwork to review, activities to plan, on and on, besides managing the household. My dad was smart. He hired a gardener so he didn't have to mow the lawn :D.

 

In any event, the local society which drug my rebellious butt to adulthood very much lived the stay at home parent lifestyle and it was generally a non-issue. Another relevant issue is that mothers who stayed at home didn't go from mommy and daddy to hubby but generally learned to work at a young age, either on the farm or ranch or during the war and knew very well what labor was. Even those who married young had already worked and some lived alone. Nowadays young people go to college and build careers. That wasn't unheard of decades ago for parents who chose to stay at home but was more rare because such parents, generally mothers, went to college less than now and worked for money to live rather than to build a career or wealth. Getting married and starting a family were more strongly socialized and validated. I learned about this because of being socialized by an outlier who did go to work and live alone for many years before getting married and chose the SAHM route when she still had a good job, in part personally and in part because of gender roles at the time.

 

My next door neighbors have two young children, it appears, and poof everyone is gone each morning, the property is empty and the goats have me to talk to. Typical working family. Their choice is right for them. Me, I'd have the kids on the ranch and doing chores and learning about life and the soil. Different strokes for different folks.

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wmacbride Established Member

wmacbride

Posted
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Posted
I think that depends on what you really mean by that question. Of course there is value to the kids and family from having a stay at home parent, and maybe some value to the immediate community, which I think most people can acknowledge. If you are talking value to society as a whole, i am guessing probably not.

 

That being said, i think there is still a negative connotation associated with being a stay at home dad, but I dont think thats the case for mom's. When i think of stay at home moms I think: financially well-off and lucky. It is a path I would have loved to take but not one that is feasible for everyone.

 

In our situation, we were anything but well off, and part of the reason I stayed at home is that two of our children are disabled and need full time care. I wnated to care for them, and in the end, it proved to be more financially feasible for me to do so than to have someone else do it.

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Revolver Established Member

Revolver

Posted
Posted

No because the "job" is overrated. If you're a stay at home parent in 2016 it means more likely than not your Spouse is making serious money so you can afford a nanny. Plus once the child turns five they are off to school for 8 hours a day.

Sub Established Member

Sub

Posted
Posted

I think generally society is split on the value of SAHP's. And as with all things, you can go case by case and see vast differences in how successful being a SAHP is. We have a few friends who are SAHM's. We're partially jealous because they don't need to worry about paying for childcare, pickup and dropoff times, snow days, summer camps, etc. On the flipside, our kid is constantly exposed to other people, kids and dynamics. I think a good SAHP balances the two. They use staying at home as an opportunity to get the best of both worlds. With the SAHM's we know, it's a mixed bag. Some tend to get lazy and take it for granted. I would say most, though, really use it as an opportunity for themselves and their families.

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dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

Posted
Posted

Mother's yes - at least in my area of the world its common - so I guess their are no respect issues. Perhaps the only issues I see is a bit of jealousy from some (not many) working moms (and dads) who both have to work.

 

Now stay at home dads - no never any respect from anyone in my experience - including some of their own wives. Its very sexist against stay at home dads.

Mrs. John Adams Established Member

Mrs. John Adams

Posted
Posted

I was a stay at home mom until my babies went off to school...and since then i have always worked part time with flexible hours so that I could work around their schedules.

 

Back in the late 70's early 80's.....We had a strong women's movement .....Phil Donahue....Oprah Winfrey....all preaching that a SAHM...was insulting. I took it very personally....and felt like I was being left behind and I was not good enough. It was a very sad time in my life.....I was struggling with who I was and what I wanted. It was during this time that my husband suggested that I go back to school. He knew that I was unhappy.

 

Since those days...I have watched society ebb and flow in acceptance of SAHM....and I think that in today's society....it is once again admired.

 

So few women get to stay at home....and those that do truly have to sacrifice.

 

Our friends were able to have bigger homes and fancier cars...and designer jeans.....and because I did not contribute to our family income...we just could not afford those things. I never resented that...because I loved being home with my kids. I had always wanted to be a wife and mother. I took my job very seriously. I took great pride in my little house and my used car.....I kept them pristine.....

 

Today...my daughter is not only a SAHM...she home schools three children.

 

So I take great pride ...that I instilled within her good values and the importance of being a mom first....and that her kids are worth the sacrifice.

 

I think in today's society....we are much more accepting of many things...that are "different". I think we value diversity.

 

So I do think today's society values SAHM and SAHD...maybe not as much as they should....but certainly more than when I was a SAHM.

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thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted

who cares??....The kids will value it....That's whats most important...

 

TFY

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Mrs. John Adams Established Member

Mrs. John Adams

Posted
Posted
who cares??....The kids will value it....That's whats most important...

 

TFY

 

you are right of course....the kids will certainly appreciate it...at some point in their lives.

 

But when a society beats you down every time you turn around telling you that you are not valuable....or that you are not good enough...it begins to wear you down emotionally.

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JohnAdams Established Member

JohnAdams

Posted
Posted

I have a lot of respect for women who choose to be stay at home mothers. They are making a strong commitment and sacrifice for the sake of their children. I realize many women today do not have that option, but, I think children suffer from being raised in a day care center.

 

 

I do agree that society puts pressure on women to pursue careers and not be a stay at home mom. I do think now, it is admired much more than in the past few decades.

 

 

I think there has been an ebb and flow in how society views stay at home moms. I have never been a stay at home dad. I am a Vietnam era veteran. When I was in the military it was looked down on by much of society. Now being in the military is highly respected by society. I have seen many changes in how society views different roles. I think the perception of a SAHM is on the rise:)

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wmacbride Established Member

wmacbride

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Posted
you are right of course....the kids will certainly appreciate it...at some point in their lives.

 

But when a society beats you down every time you turn around telling you that you are not valuable....or that you are not good enough...it begins to wear you down emotionally.

 

 

You know, it really can.

 

Even in this thread, there is the idea that a stay at home parent family must be well off and sitting on your rear. One poster even said that "If you're a stay at home parent in 2016 it means more likely than not your spouse is making serious money so you can afford a nanny"

 

Are you frikin' kidding me? A nanny?

 

Trust me, the SAHM that I know are from families who are not well off. the military pay grade certainly isn't high enough to cover a nanny:laugh:

 

The only ones with a nannies that I know of are parents who work outside the home.

Sub Established Member

Sub

Posted
Posted

I don't know of a single SAHP that has a nanny. Maybe it's the 1% they're referring to.

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Mrs. John Adams Established Member

Mrs. John Adams

Posted
Posted

I don't know anyone who has a nanny... Sahm or working mom.

 

Housekeepers... Yes

 

Nannies... No

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joystickd Established Member

joystickd

Posted
Posted

Why worry about what society values? You are doing what you think is right. If a person wants to stay home and raise kids then no problem. If someone has an issue that is them because you are doing what the hell you want to do. If they are not paying your bills, putting food in your mouth or clothes on your back then their opinion isn't shyte

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BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

Posted
Posted
If you are a stay at home parent ( mom or dad), do you feel western society places any value on your role?

 

I've been a SAHM for a long time now, and through the years, I've noticed that society is great at paying lip service to someone who chooses this path, but doesn't really support it. Individually, there are many people who view someone who stays at home as being Less than" a working parent, and received lots of negative feedback over the years about it.

 

 

How do you view parents who choose to stay at home while their husband or wife works?

 

I'm not trying to make a comparison between being a working parent and a stay at home parent, as I feel both have value and a family needs to decide what works best for them.

 

I was a SAHM for about 10 years, going to grad school some of that time. I didn’t receive any negative feedback and generally I’ve heard many more people say negative things about working mothers than SAHMs, sometimes going as far as to attribute children’s problems, families’ problems and society’s problems to women working.

 

After about 8 years of it, I did got nuts with boredom being a SAHM and some people interpreted that as a personal slur against them or against SAHMing in general rather than as a statement about my own personality. But there’s not much you can do about people being defensive or taking things personally.

 

If people make the choice that suits them, respect others’ choices and aren’t resentful or defensive, it’s all good.

  • Like 2
serial muse Established Member

serial muse

Posted
Posted

I'm not a SAHM but my best friend is. Her boys are now 8 and 4, which means she's able to work part-time now, and she's aiming to go back full-time when they're both in school for a full day. This isn't for money reasons in their case (although they would be happy to have it) but because she consciously put her career on hold for a few years, and now is working on kick-starting it again. She was always on the fence about that choice, but she works in a very time-flexible, poorly-paid field and they did the math and decided it was more cost-effective for her to stay at home than to pay for a nanny or daycare.

 

She has gotten some negative comments about her choice over the years, but then, so have I (I work full-time). ;) My sense is that no matter what you do, when it comes to kids, society is going to want to stick its oar in, because it can. Nothing is so interesting as other peoples' business!

 

OP, I'm curious about what you said in your post about society paying lip-service to being supportive, but not actually supporting you. Do you mean that people would say things like "good for you" but then made snide negative passive-aggressive comments? Or did you mean supporting in more concrete, societal-services kind of way? Just wondering.

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wmacbride Established Member

wmacbride

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I was a SAHM for about 10 years, going to grad school some of that time. I didn’t receive any negative feedback and generally I’ve heard many more people say negative things about working mothers than SAHMs, sometimes going as far as to attribute children’s problems, families’ problems and society’s problems to women working.

 

After about 8 years of it, I did got nuts with boredom being a SAHM and some people interpreted that as a personal slur against them or against SAHMing in general rather than as a statement about my own personality. But there’s not much you can do about people being defensive or taking things personally.

 

If people make the choice that suits them, respect others’ choices and aren’t resentful or defensive, it’s all good.

 

tbh, I never really understood how working mothers could be the downfall of society:laugh:

 

There are plenty of working mothers and fathers who are excellent parents and love their kids so much.

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wmacbride Established Member

wmacbride

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I'm not a SAHM but my best friend is. Her boys are now 8 and 4, which means she's able to work part-time now, and she's aiming to go back full-time when they're both in school for a full day. This isn't for money reasons in their case (although they would be happy to have it) but because she consciously put her career on hold for a few years, and now is working on kick-starting it again. She was always on the fence about that choice, but she works in a very time-flexible, poorly-paid field and they did the math and decided it was more cost-effective for her to stay at home than to pay for a nanny or daycare.

 

She has gotten some negative comments about her choice over the years, but then, so have I (I work full-time). ;) My sense is that no matter what you do, when it comes to kids, society is going to want to stick its oar in, because it can. Nothing is so interesting as other peoples' business!

 

OP, I'm curious about what you said in your post about society paying lip-service to being supportive, but not actually supporting you. Do you mean that people would say things like "good for you" but then made snide negative passive-aggressive comments? Or did you mean supporting in more concrete, societal-services kind of way? Just wondering.

 

I 100% agree with you about how, for parents, it's often a case of damned if you do and damned if you don't.

 

The kind of lip service I was thinking about is how people ae told that raising your children is such an important job, but as a stay at home parent, i can tell you that I have heard many snide remarks about how I wasn't contributing to the finances of my family,how it st be nice and relaxing to stay at home and not have to work, how mothers who decide t do this do so because they are uneducated, etc.

 

Where I live, there is social support for parents through such things as the child tax credit, credits for day care expenses, fathers and mothers can claim child support as a tax deduction, etc.

  • Like 1
BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

Posted
Posted
tbh, I never really understood how working mothers could be the downfall of society:laugh:

 

There are plenty of working mothers and fathers who are excellent parents and love their kids so much.

 

Me either. HOWEVER! IF all women stayed at home to raise children and world peace resulted, I'd be all for it. Lots of people just pick at mothers no matter what they do. Thanks Freud.

 

I 100% agree with you about how, for parents, it's often a case of damned if you do and damned if you don't.

 

We're responsible for the apple and snake and all that. :laugh:

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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

I'll just be very honest. I'm a person who chose not to have kids, so from my perspective, I just feel sorry for someone whose whole life is looking after kids and doing housework.

 

That said, that's me. There are people whose dream it is to be a stay at home parent and are perfectly happy to do so and for whom no other life would be as fulfilling.

 

So you're always going to get mixed reactions. Many people simply can't afford to stay home like that even if they wanted to. Good for you that you can.

serial muse Established Member

serial muse

Posted
Posted

The kind of lip service I was thinking about is how people ae told that raising your children is such an important job, but as a stay at home parent, i can tell you that I have heard many snide remarks about how I wasn't contributing to the finances of my family,how it st be nice and relaxing to stay at home and not have to work, how mothers who decide t do this do so because they are uneducated, etc.

 

Ah, I feared as much. That's so shxtty, I'm sorry. :( Ugh, we're all on the same side here. Or we should be.

 

Lots of people just pick at mothers no matter what they do. Thanks Freud.

 

:laugh: exactly.

 

Although SAHD do tend to get a lot of crap too. Have seen some of it on this board. Also sucky.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

I'm a full time carer to my 19yo disabled son. I haven't seriously worked since he was born. We are fortunate that my husband has a good salary.

 

The area I feel most disrespected is that tax laws prevent him from contributing to superannuation for me. And he's limited as to what he can salary sacrifice for himself. So, when he retires, we'll be living on his superannuation and just a pension from my side of things.

 

If my position was valued, I'd have better prospects once my husband retires.

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