IslandDude Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 I met this girl through a mutual friend. We had already hung out some in group settings but started talking more on the side via text and social media. We went on a date and both had a good time. Since the date she has kept interacting with me but she seems reluctant to accept another date. I have asked a few times if she'd like to do various things and she seems to always be busy with one thing or another. She has a 10 year old daughter and has asked me to meet for dinner, etc. a few times while she has her daughter with her. So I'm a bit confused here... Normally I would think she would just not talk to me or just say she's not interested but instead she is still talking to me and texting me daily and even asking me to meet up but it seems like only with her daughter present. Did she just flip me instantly into her new friend? Should I keep asking for dates? Normally I would just write her off after a couple asks but she is still showing interest back so I'd hate to be the one to give up if she is really interested but is actually busy a lot. Should I stop interacting with her for awhile to see if she comes back? Maybe just tell her I need to know if we're ever going out again? Feeling confused with this situation.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 I think you're in the friend zone. If you were dating, it's far too early to meet her daughter anyway.
mortensorchid Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 Sounds like she just wants a friend since she brings her daughter with her. I don't have kids, but I wouldn't bring my child with me if I was going on a date with someone. 2
TheFinalWord Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 I met this girl through a mutual friend. We had already hung out some in group settings but started talking more on the side via text and social media. We went on a date and both had a good time. Since the date she has kept interacting with me but she seems reluctant to accept another date. I have asked a few times if she'd like to do various things and she seems to always be busy with one thing or another. She has a 10 year old daughter and has asked me to meet for dinner, etc. a few times while she has her daughter with her. So I'm a bit confused here... Normally I would think she would just not talk to me or just say she's not interested but instead she is still talking to me and texting me daily and even asking me to meet up but it seems like only with her daughter present. Did she just flip me instantly into her new friend? Should I keep asking for dates? Normally I would just write her off after a couple asks but she is still showing interest back so I'd hate to be the one to give up if she is really interested but is actually busy a lot. Should I stop interacting with her for awhile to see if she comes back? Maybe just tell her I need to know if we're ever going out again? Feeling confused with this situation. She's not that busy. Plus, I think it's weird that she would want a guy she was interested in dating, meet her child so early on, especially since you aren't really dating (sounds friend zone or she is getting you to buy her and her kid a meal...NOT). 1) Ask her for a date. Tell her you want to take her out to dinner. 2) If she says no, "Okay, great. Let me know if you change your mind! Gotta go, take care!" 3) She writes again with small talk. Don't let the conversation go on more than 1 minute (max). So, do you want to go on that date? Her: Not sure...yadyadayada...You: Sorry, I gotta run. If you change your mind about that date, let me know! 4) She writes again. Same scenario. She will learn there is no point in calling you unless she is going to go out on a date with you. She will either call to confirm a date, or you will hear less and less from her. If she gets insistent just tell her "I'm not interested in knowing you just as a friend. But if you are ever interested in going on a date, I'd love to hear from you." The above script will save you a lot of time. 4
Author IslandDude Posted May 6, 2016 Author Posted May 6, 2016 Thanks for the input. Just to be clear she isn't bringing her daughter on dates. It's more like she is out with her daughter and asks me to tag along at the last minute. She definitely isn't doing it for a free meal as she actually has been the one paying each time other than our one real date.
Jabron1 Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 (edited) She definitely isn't doing it for a free meal as she actually has been the one paying each time other than our one real date. Something tells me that you didn't make a move on that date. Am I right? No kiss or anything? Better to be rejected for making a move, than for not making one. Remember that in future. It's better to regret something you did, than something you didn't. Hanging around without making a move is orbiter territory. And you sort of put yourself there. End whatever this is. Getting out of the friend-zone is far more effort than it's worth. It's much easier to just start again with a different girl. But learn the lesson for next time Edited May 6, 2016 by Jabron1
TheFinalWord Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 Thanks for the input. Just to be clear she isn't bringing her daughter on dates. It's more like she is out with her daughter and asks me to tag along at the last minute. She definitely isn't doing it for a free meal as she actually has been the one paying each time other than our one real date. If she is paying every time, she is making sure you don't interpret your outings as dates. I would cut and run. You can be nice and let her know you are interested in dating her, not just being friends, if she is not interested in dating you, it's best you go your separate ways. When she contacts you don't engage in small talk. Keep repeating the same message. She will either fade or go out with you. Be willing to walk if she isn't interested in dating. That way you don't get any more false hopes. 1
Author IslandDude Posted May 7, 2016 Author Posted May 7, 2016 Something tells me that you didn't make a move on that date. Am I right? No kiss or anything? Better to be rejected for making a move, than for not making one. Remember that in future. It's better to regret something you did, than something you didn't. Hanging around without making a move is orbiter territory. And you sort of put yourself there. End whatever this is. Getting out of the friend-zone is far more effort than it's worth. It's much easier to just start again with a different girl. But learn the lesson for next time Yes you are right. No move on the one date we had. I was hoping for the second date so I could do it then. I'm not used to dating women with kids. Maybe this is a thing? Like they expect everything on the first date since they don't have much free time away from their kids?
Jabron1 Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 Yes you are right. No move on the one date we had. I was hoping for the second date so I could do it then. I'm not used to dating women with kids. Maybe this is a thing? Like they expect everything on the first date since they don't have much free time away from their kids? Whether she has kids or not is completely irrelevant, mate. You said that you had a good time on the date. I can assure you, it might have been a good time as friends, but a date without making a move is not a good date. The fact that she doesn't want to give you a second chance just shows that she isn't very interested. Which is pretty crappy, because you seem to have got to know her. Not much you can do about that now though. She was a 'maybe girl'. Most are. Most girls aren't completely sold on you, and so put a lot of meaning on the date. If there isn't a romantic connection, you will be written off. Even the highest interest girl is going to be wondering what's going on, if it takes you multiple dates to work up the courage for a kiss. It's just how it is. As a man, it's on you to make things happen. It's your responsibility. Here's the trick to this dating malarkey: try not to obsess over a date that doesn't work out. Tomorrow, next week, or whenever, there will be a new date with a new girl. Are you going to worry about the date that was in the past, or the one in the future? Can't change the past. You can only learn from the mistakes and be better next time. Learn the lesson. Always make a move on your dates. Good luck going forward 1
Author IslandDude Posted May 7, 2016 Author Posted May 7, 2016 Got it. It sucks because even though I know there are tons of women out there and I know not to get stuck on the whole "the one" thing she was definitely one of the best ones I've found recently as far as compatibility. Probably why she is still wanting to be friends. Any suggestions on asking for a date one last time before I leave the ball in her court (probably forever it sounds like)? Since she is genuinely busy with work and kid a lot is there a good way to ask her on a date but suggest that she provide the date and time? At least that way I can let her know I want to go out again whenever she can make it rather than me just always picking days she already has booked. I realize she could be suggesting alternatives when she turns down the things I suggest but I think one of the issues with that on the last few asks is I'm always asking her for things that are one time only like events. So she can't say she can do it another day because what I'm asking her to doesn't occur again.
Jabron1 Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 Got it. It sucks because even though I know there are tons of women out there and I know not to get stuck on the whole "the one" thing she was definitely one of the best ones I've found recently as far as compatibility. Probably why she is still wanting to be friends. Any suggestions on asking for a date one last time before I leave the ball in her court (probably forever it sounds like)? Since she is genuinely busy with work and kid a lot is there a good way to ask her on a date but suggest that she provide the date and time? At least that way I can let her know I want to go out again whenever she can make it rather than me just always picking days she already has booked. I realize she could be suggesting alternatives when she turns down the things I suggest but I think one of the issues with that on the last few asks is I'm always asking her for things that are one time only like events. So she can't say she can do it another day because what I'm asking her to doesn't occur again. It's never good to keep putting yourself in a position to get rejected over and over again by a girl. It starts to make you look low value. If you want to walk but leave the door open, you just tell her 'get back to me when your schedule opens up', and leave it at that. Do not call or text her again. She'll know your an option, mate. Trust me on that. I've often had women contact me many months later. Women don't forget these things. And if things are going well, you won't entertain the idea by then anyway. You have to be secure enough to walk away from anyone who isn't giving you what you want. 1
pidgeon1010 Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 Something tells me that you didn't make a move on that date. Am I right? No kiss or anything? Better to be rejected for making a move, than for not making one. Remember that in future. It's better to regret something you did, than something you didn't. Hanging around without making a move is orbiter territory. And you sort of put yourself there. End whatever this is. Getting out of the friend-zone is far more effort than it's worth. It's much easier to just start again with a different girl. But learn the lesson for next time Really? I don't know any woman (myself included) who would write a guy off because he didn't make a move on the first date. This is news to me. She's just not that into you. OP don't go around trying to kiss women on the first date to show you're interested. We know you're interested when you ask us out on a second date and follow through. It's really that simple. 1
salparadise Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 Yes you are right. No move on the one date we had. I was hoping for the second date so I could do it then. I'm not used to dating women with kids. Maybe this is a thing? Like they expect everything on the first date since they don't have much free time away from their kids? Sometimes single women with kids had a distorted perspective. They may view themselves and the kid as a package deal and try to present it that way from the outset. It's kooky, but it happens. I was talking to a woman once and asked for a date. My perspective was that it was one date, and time would tell if there was mutual interest. She replied as if I had requested a long-term relationship and wanted me to meet her daughter first (seriously?)... even saying that the daughter must like me or it's a no-go. I realized at that point that she didn't have a firm grasp on reality and politely declined. I agree the the others... back off the chit-chat and allow her to realize that an actual date is her only option. Also realize that this is a low percentage prospect. Her first priority may be sizing you up for the daddy role.
LookAtThisPOst Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 I can assure you, it might have been a good time as friends, but a date without making a move is not a good date. Really? I don't know any woman (myself included) who would write a guy off because he didn't make a move on the first date. Have to disagree...I don't get these PUA tactics that subscribe to "kiss her on a first date" rule. Then there's the notorious, "Have sex with her by the 3rd date, or she's out of the running if she doesn't put out."
phineas Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 It's never good to keep putting yourself in a position to get rejected over and over again by a girl. It starts to make you look low value. If you want to walk but leave the door open, you just tell her 'get back to me when your schedule opens up', and leave it at that. Do not call or text her again. She'll know your an option, mate. Trust me on that. I've often had women contact me many months later. Women don't forget these things. And if things are going well, you won't entertain the idea by then anyway. You have to be secure enough to walk away from anyone who isn't giving you what you want. This. If a woman is "busy" and doesn't offer an alternative time when they aren't "busy". I stop initiating. If they contact me i take my sweet time responding & when I do i make sure to let them know i'm "busy" and will chat with them later.
Jabron1 Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 Have to disagree...I don't get these PUA tactics that subscribe to "kiss her on a first date" rule. Then there's the notorious, "Have sex with her by the 3rd date, or she's out of the running if she doesn't put out." Do you want to kiss on the first date? Do you want to have sex within three dates? If not, fair enough. I have a sex drive and want these things. This isn't a 'tactic'. This is me being me. I really don't think there's anything virtuous in 'waiting' three months and jumping through hoops to get laid. It's a complete turn off for me. All of the best relationships I've ever had started very passionately. I like the sort of relationship where we walk down the street with our arms around each other. I've no interest in going out with a prude. Really? I don't know any woman (myself included) who would write a guy off because he didn't make a move on the first date. This is news to me. She's just not that into you. OP don't go around trying to kiss women on the first date to show you're interested. We know you're interested when you ask us out on a second date and follow through. It's really that simple. Already said she was low interest. I never said anything about him 'kissing her to show his interest'. Women are turned off by a guy that hangs around without making a move. Or a guy that asks to make a move ('can I kiss you please?'). You saying I'm wrong about that? More importantly than that though, he wanted to kiss her and didn't. He wasn't 'just being himself' (probably due to nerves). Can't think of a single good reason not to kiss someone on a first date. I'm all ears though...
pidgeon1010 Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 Do you want to kiss on the first date? Do you want to have sex within three dates? If not, fair enough. I have a sex drive and want these things. This isn't a 'tactic'. This is me being me. I really don't think there's anything virtuous in 'waiting' three months and jumping through hoops to get laid. It's a complete turn off for me. All of the best relationships I've ever had started very passionately. I like the sort of relationship where we walk down the street with our arms around each other. I've no interest in going out with a prude. Already said she was low interest. I never said anything about him 'kissing her to show his interest'. Women are turned off by a guy that hangs around without making a move. Or a guy that asks to make a move ('can I kiss you please?'). You saying I'm wrong about that? More importantly than that though, he wanted to kiss her and didn't. He wasn't 'just being himself' (probably due to nerves). Can't think of a single good reason not to kiss someone on a first date. I'm all ears though... Why would you kiss a woman on the first date if not to show her you're into her/interested unless you're into playing games? Enlighten me. You put too much stock in the first date kiss and my point is, that is not a make or break. Actually such an attempt can be a turn off for some women. But if two adults go on a date and want to kiss each other on the first date, so be it; however it is not a requirement that it must happen. You were harping on it like it's some golden rule and there was a lesson to be learned from him not kissing her on the first date. Re hanging around without a making a move, that wasn't the scenario here. They went on one date. All our meetings after that was him tagging along with her and daughter. Were you advising him to kiss her in her daughter's presence?
Author IslandDude Posted May 7, 2016 Author Posted May 7, 2016 Why would you kiss a woman on the first date if not to show her you're into her/interested unless you're into playing games? Enlighten me. You put too much stock in the first date kiss and my point is, that is not a make or break. Actually such an attempt can be a turn off for some women. But if two adults go on a date and want to kiss each other on the first date, so be it; however it is not a requirement that it must happen. You were harping on it like it's some golden rule and there was a lesson to be learned from him not kissing her on the first date. Re hanging around without a making a move, that wasn't the scenario here. They went on one date. All our meetings after that was him tagging along with her and daughter. Were you advising him to kiss her in her daughter's presence? This is pretty much exactly what I feel like. If we ever make it to another date I will make a move but I'm not going to kiss her for the first time in front of her daughter (obviously...). So that's what has thrown me off. Maybe she's using the daughter as a kind of shield to make sure things don't go any further while still getting to enjoy my company. Who knows. As others have said I guess I should just write this one off and leave the ball in her court in case she's ever interested in more. As far as the first date kiss I'm not one to force that just for the sake of checking it off the list if I don't think either of us are really finding the right moment and especially with somebody I feel like is a good match I don't want to scare them off like I'm only interested in one thing on the first date.
Jabron1 Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 (edited) Why would you kiss a woman on the first date if not to show her you're into her/interested unless you're into playing games? Because I'm attracted and I desire to. Why would I date women that I don't want to kiss? Do I really need to point out such basic things? Enlighten me. You put too much stock in the first date kiss and my point is, that is not a make or break. Actually such an attempt can be a turn off for some women. But if two adults go on a date and want to kiss each other on the first date, so be it; however it is not a requirement that it must happen. You were harping on it like it's some golden rule and there was a lesson to be learned from him not kissing her on the first date. I see no point in waiting until date 2,3, or 4 just to kiss someone. That's just avoidance. Feel free to disagree. OP can ultimately do what he likes. If that is taking 3 dates to build up the courage for a kiss, that's up to him. But, a lot of women find that a turn off, and he needs to be honest with himself about why he's doing that. Who really knows what would have happened had they passionately kissed? That's the point. He could/should have found out. Re hanging around without a making a move, that wasn't the scenario here. They went on one date. All our meetings after that was him tagging along with her and daughter. Were you advising him to kiss her in her daughter's presence? I've already dealt with this. Edited May 7, 2016 by Jabron1
krista28 Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 My feeling is that she might be just hesitant to go out with you on a date because she has a daughter. She might not want to date or get into a relationship. She might be scared..
Author IslandDude Posted May 7, 2016 Author Posted May 7, 2016 Because I'm attracted and I desire to. Why would I date women that I don't want to kiss? Do I really need to point out such basic things? I see no point in waiting until date 2,3, or 4 just to kiss someone. That's just avoidance. Feel free to disagree. OP can ultimately do what he likes. If that is taking 3 dates to build up the courage for a kiss, that's up to him. But, a lot of women find that a turn off, and he needs to be honest with himself about why he's doing that. Who really knows what would have happened had they passionately kissed? That's the point. He could/should have found out. I've already dealt with this. I hear what you're saying but at the same time it's hard for me to agree that all women want to be kissed on the first date no matter what as it seems like that's what you are suggesting. Seems like with this suggestion you may end up scaring away somebody who would be fine kissing on the second date after they are more comfortable with you. Maybe you aren't interested in that type of woman? First date kiss or move on is your strategy? It sounds like there are different types of people so if you get a first date kissing woman and a first date kissing man together it's all good but if you mix them up then you run into rejection for the second date.
Jabron1 Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 (edited) I hear what you're saying but at the same time it's hard for me to agree that all women want to be kissed on the first date no matter what as it seems like that's what you are suggesting. Seems like with this suggestion you may end up scaring away somebody who would be fine kissing on the second date after they are more comfortable with you. Maybe you aren't interested in that type of woman? First date kiss or move on is your strategy? It sounds like there are different types of people so if you get a first date kissing woman and a first date kissing man together it's all good but if you mix them up then you run into rejection for the second date. Mate, a woman that decides to kiss me on date 4 or whatever is low interest, or has intimacy issues. Yes, I would be moving on to something better. That's that. What do you want? And be honest. Did you want to kiss her or not? I think I know the answer though Edited May 7, 2016 by Jabron1
phineas Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 Mate, a woman that decides to kiss me on date 4 or whatever is low interest, or has intimacy issues. Yes, I would be moving on to something better. That's that. What do you want? And be honest. Did you want to kiss her or not? I think I know the answer though ALL of my woman friends KNOW to kiss a man on the first date to show interest. Women i've dated who kissed me on the first date did it to show me they were interested. If a woman views you as a man with options who will walk, they will kiss kiss you. Of course not a given because some women won't kiss on a first date because "they don't do that" but those women are in the minority and spend a lot of time on these forums single. Again, not a hard rule because some men will play the game and chase. Just not me. 1
truth_seeker Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 Of course not a given because some women won't kiss on a first date because "they don't do that" but those women are in the minority and spend a lot of time on these forums single. lol.
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