messed up

[Aka]

I think I am in such a mess. My husband of most 23 years has been cheatin on me my whole marriage. I even at one point when I was pregnant with my second child had this woman come to my door 6 months preggy holding a 2 year old...Yes both were his. He had had a 3 year affair and made soo many promises to this woman. ugh. I tried my very hardest to work past it cuz when she came to my door i was 2 months preggy myself and wanted my babe to have a father. That kiddo is now 11. there has been MUCH more cheatin since then...hell I think hes always cheated now that I think about it. The thing is he controls me financially. I havent a job now and he knows what he can say and do and get away with and I will just hafta put up with it. cuz if I dont such and such wont get paid etc.

 

He has his own place but always seems to come here. He sleeps here. Not with me but in another room but if I tell him he cant come over guess what??? Hes not payin for **** no more. Its either I put up with him or my kids will suffer.

 

There is such a thing as financial abuse...and he does it. among the fact he is very verbally abusive and has in the past hit me. every time i try to move on he has something else to control me with.

[Aka]

I guess my question is...how do I get out of it??? I have tried and am still lookin for a job. nothin. I am stuck.

[MsJayne]

....can't be traced. But seriously, you need to have your own income, though it can be very hard to be positive and cheerful when you go for job interviews when you're depressed and full of anxiety. I'd suggest contacting your OCSE and finding out what your rights and his obligations are. No doubt he has to pay support to the other woman who has his kids and the last thing he needs is to be forced to pay you as well. This is why he keeps staying at your place and maintaining a masquerade of marriage. Don't ask him for money, just lock him out of your home, and let OCSE do their thing.

[Aka]

im sorry what is osce?

[Aka]

Ms. Jane. I hate it. I have been goin thru this for years. i feel like such a failer. I have tried and tried and tried to make things work it just doesnt. he even tells me about the time i put his ass on the sofa for a few weeks ( I did). But he never says its cuz he had a 3 year affiar and 2 kids. im just at fault no matter what. this man can blame me for anything and he believes it to be truth.

[Aka]

but im stuck cuz the only thing holding us together now is money. we do have 3 kids together....he doesnt care for that. he just cares for how much he has to pay. my house is paid for in 4 months. then its just bills and food. i hope to God i find a job by then.

[Lois_Griffin]

Get to a LAWYER and start the process of a divorce. Get a child custody and child support order in place. You may even be entitled to alimony since you didn't work while raising your kids. You see where that got you, right?

 

This is exactly why a woman should never be financially dependent on a man.

[Lois_Griffin]

Ms. Jane. I hate it. I have been goin thru this for years. i feel like such a failer. I have tried and tried and tried to make things work it just doesnt. he even tells me about the time i put his ass on the sofa for a few weeks ( I did). But he never says its cuz he had a 3 year affiar and 2 kids. im just at fault no matter what. this man can blame me for anything and he believes it to be truth.

Is this fool paying child support for all his love children? If so, you probably won't get very much child support for your 3 kids. This guy is such a complete loser.

[Aka]

 

 

You are right. My oldest child is 15 almost 16. I quit working when he was 11 months old due to the fact he was having bruises all the time and the sitter just couldnt tell me how he had gotten them. So I quit my job to raise my baby and I have worked a few odd jobs here and there but I've pretty much been a stay at home mom since. Looking back and knowing what I know now I wish I woulda just got a different sitter and kept working. This isnt a good place to be in when someone can control you like this.

 

No he doesn't pay anything to anyone that I know of. He is money hungry and works 2 jobs and he always says hes broke but we dont see any of that money unless its to bills. He doesnt spend a dime more than what he has to.

 

He has his own bank account and I dont know how much is there. His business is his own and if i ask him anything he tells me straight up its none of my business. I havent a clue what he pays or doesnt pay or to whom other than the fact he does pay my bills and yes....you see where that got me.

 

I talked to a police officer last night and He tells me I should get a restraining order on him cuz of the verbal abuse and physical that hes done. this will at least keep him from coming here. Yesterday my 15 year old went off on him cuz I am extremely depressed and my husband just flat out told me i should kill myself. my son flipped out on him and told him to NEVER say that to me again.

 

I am desperate. I really need to find work and I know I will eventually but right now? I feel so stuck and helpless.

[BetrayedH]

Some attorneys will do a free initial consultation. Go find out what your options are. Your H may be forced to pay you more than he's paying so far, and you could be rid of him at the same time. Go find out.

[NTV]

Feeling helpless goes hand in hand with not moving. Start moving. Apply--for something. Anything. Even if you don't get it, you still get better at applying for jobs.

 

 

Start journaling. This will help you see what is within your control. And changing those things that are to your benefit. Your son shouldn't have to protect you from his father, that's the kind of stuff that makes a kid have issues. Seek counseling for you and him--there's free counseling in your area....

 

 

shoot I sound like an instructional video. You aren't alone in your situation and not the first woman to be where you are. You know this. So plan accordingly. Write down your plan. Every step. Backup steps This will give you confidence you want to move forward. Even if you fail at part of it, your plan's successful backup step will allow you to still be confident.

 

 

You can do this!

[gemini6]

Ok, Listen...DIVORCE THAT MAN!!!!!

You said you've been married to him for 23 years?? That's permanent alimony territory if your state has alimony..nonetheless, child support for your kids, you are entitled to HALF of everything house, business, boat, cars, etc...you said he has his own place? Is it an apt that he rents or another house that ya'll own? half of that too!! PLUS half of any IRA, retirement, 401k, military pension, etc etc etc...Honey listen, add it all up - if you sold everything, including the business, house(s) cars, boats, lawnmower - whatever..what would half of that be?? enough to get a small house? You know he will HAVE to pay child support at the very least..

 

Please go talk to a lawyer - like you, I was scared out of my mind BUT I started adding it all up and I figured I would walk away with about 100,000 after we sold everything PLUS I would get permanent alimony - so, I always think: "go ahead and cheat, stupid" - I dare ya!!

 

quit letting him control you with $$$ - the judge will force him to sell off everything plus pay child support plus alimony plus retirement funds plus plus plus....let him know you are not stupid enough to think that you would be left with nothing, in fact add it up and see for yourself how much better off you will be!

 

Also I think that MI is very liberal with benefits, food stamps, Medicaid, etc..meaning that you will probably qualify for some help with the bills in between the time that you kick his ass to the curb and when the judge orders him to pay..as someone suggested above - lock him out and see a lawyer.

Edited May 6, 2016 by gemini6
more to say!!

[merrmeade]

Ok, Listen...DIVORCE THAT MAN!!!!!

You said you've been married to him for 23 years?? That's permanent alimony territory if your state has alimony..nonetheless, child support for your kids, you are entitled to HALF of everything house, business, boat, cars, etc...you said he has his own place? Is it an apt that he rents or another house that ya'll own? half of that too!! PLUS half of any IRA, retirement, 401k, military pension, etc etc etc...Honey listen, add it all up - if you sold everything, including the business, house(s) cars, boats, lawnmower - whatever..what would half of that be?? enough to get a small house? You know he will HAVE to pay child support at the very least..

 

Please go talk to a lawyer - like you, I was scared out of my mind BUT I started adding it all up and I figured I would walk away with about 100,000 after we sold everything PLUS I would get permanent alimony - so, I always think: "go ahead and cheat, stupid" - I dare ya!!

 

quit letting him control you with $$$ - the judge will force him to sell off everything plus pay child support plus alimony plus retirement funds plus plus plus....let him know you are not stupid enough to think that you would be left with nothing, in fact add it up and see for yourself how much better off you will be!

 

Also I think that MI is very liberal with benefits, food stamps, Medicaid, etc..meaning that you will probably qualify for some help with the bills in between the time that you kick his ass to the curb and when the judge orders him to pay..as someone suggested above - lock him out and see a lawyer.

I think you'll agree, Aka, that THAT ^^^ is what you need more of - women in your situation that got out of it and how. I think you should also listen to all the other encouragement to talk to a lawyer AT THE VERY LEAST. Talking you lose nothing.

 

If you're in a city, there will be options for support for women, from local to federal sponsorship and private groups as well. For example. I went to meetup.com and typed "women" in their search window. Over 100 came up. One of the groups was called something like 'empowering women in a divorce or breakup with 36 members. They meet at various times and all 36 aren't there at the same time.

 

There must be other options. Support and information will be your best allies.

[Mr Blunt]

You have options so get going! No excuses.

You do not have to become a door mat.

[Miss Clavel]

You are right. My oldest child is 15 almost 16. I quit working when he was 11 months old due to the fact he was having bruises all the time and the sitter just couldnt tell me how he had gotten them. So I quit my job to raise my baby and I have worked a few odd jobs here and there but I've pretty much been a stay at home mom since. Looking back and knowing what I know now I wish I woulda just got a different sitter and kept working. This isnt a good place to be in when someone can control you like this.

 

No he doesn't pay anything to anyone that I know of. He is money hungry and works 2 jobs and he always says hes broke but we dont see any of that money unless its to bills. He doesnt spend a dime more than what he has to.

 

He has his own bank account and I dont know how much is there. His business is his own and if i ask him anything he tells me straight up its none of my business. I havent a clue what he pays or doesnt pay or to whom other than the fact he does pay my bills and yes....you see where that got me.

 

I talked to a police officer last night and He tells me I should get a restraining order on him cuz of the verbal abuse and physical that hes done. this will at least keep him from coming here. Yesterday my 15 year old went off on him cuz I am extremely depressed and my husband just flat out told me i should kill myself. my son flipped out on him and told him to NEVER say that to me again.

 

I am desperate. I really need to find work and I know I will eventually but right now? I feel so stuck and helpless.

you need a RO, pronto. then change the locks. get a lawyer, legal aid lawyers are free. go thru you house and take every business paper, title, deed, bill, statement, birth certificates,IRS returns, passports, everything, and photocopy them, then put them back. seal the copies in a plastic zip lock and hide them. under the spare tire in your trunk will work till you can give them to your lawyer. these records will show what you owe, as his wife and all the account numbers and phone numbers so you can find out if he quits makin the morgage payments.

 

have your lawyer request that your husband "open" his books. everything, his business and his bank account. i'd love to see that turds face when he realizes his day has come.

 

i threatened that my husband was going to have to "open" the books on his business and he gave in on a lot of financial stuff just to avoid anyone gettin a peek at what all he'd kept for himself and his "soulmate". i got 80 percent of everything, he got to keep the business and he had to pay all our bills out of his 20 percent, hahahaha

 

if you are on the deed to the house, try to open a credit card using his credit history. use it to tide you over.

 

try to get a job in a restaurant, most restaurants aren't too picky about previous experience(which you have since you've been in the kitchen as a sahm for years) and almost all "chain" restaurants "train" you in their "system". my ex and his soulmate tried to get me to work more, before Dday because the amount you can earn on your own will decrease your alimony and child support, it didn't work since i got the cash instead of the alimony. consider this, get the cash because once your ex gets pissed off you won't be able to get any money and you will be tied to them because you will have to chase them down for the money, which they won't "give" you because they don't think you "deserve" it. payments are way for them to try to control you and stay in your life.

 

DO NOT LEAVE THAT HOUSE. for the time being, it's yours, exclusively.

 

good luck

 

p.s. i'm thrilled for you. you will not believe the journey you are going on, so exciting. first, get on your feet, then take each step. go online and google all the divorce, settlement and alimony laws in your state. don't take any advice/bull**** he gives you. it's your future, it's your life, get informed because his years of rollin over you are done.

Edited May 11, 2016 by Miss Clavel

[merrmeade]

you need a RO, pronto. then change the locks. get a lawyer, legal aid lawyers are free. go thru you house and take every business paper, title, deed, bill, statement, birth certificates,IRS returns, passports, everything, and photocopy them, then put them back. seal the copies in a plastic zip lock and hide them. under the spare tire in your trunk will work till you can give them to your lawyer. these records will show what you owe, as his wife and all the account numbers and phone numbers so you can find out if he quits makin the morgage payments.

 

have your lawyer request that your husband "open" his books. everything, his business and his bank account. i'd love to see that turds face when he realizes his day has come.

 

i threatened that my husband was going to have to "open" the books on his business and he gave in on a lot of financial stuff just to avoid anyone gettin a peek at what all he'd kept for himself and his "soulmate". i got 80 percent of everything, he got to keep the business and he had to pay all our bills out of his 20 percent, hahahaha

 

if you are on the deed to the house, try to open a credit card using his credit history. use it to tide you over.

 

try to get a job in a restaurant, most restaurants aren't too picky about previous experience(which you have since you've been in the kitchen as a sahm for years) and almost all "chain" restaurants "train" you in their "system". my ex and his soulmate tried to get me to work more, before Dday because the amount you can earn on your own will decrease your alimony and child support, it didn't work since i got the cash instead of the alimony. consider this, get the cash because once your ex gets pissed off you won't be able to get any money and you will be tied to them because you will have to chase them down for the money, which they won't "give" you because they don't think you "deserve" it. payments are way for them to try to control you and stay in your life.

 

DO NOT LEAVE THAT HOUSE. for the time being, it's yours, exclusively.

 

good luck

 

p.s. i'm thrilled for you. you will not believe the journey you are going on, so exciting. first, get on your feet, then take each step. go online and google all the divorce, settlement and alimony laws in your state. don't take any advice/bull**** he gives you. it's your future, it's your life, get informed because his years of rollin over you are done.

I really love this ^^^ post.

 

I can just feel the life and confidence pumping into you, Aka. There are a lot of women (and betrayed spouses) behind you here. You can do it!

 

Get support. Get advice. It's free. No consequences.

[Pollyannaslim]

Oh my goodness… you are in such a tough situation. It is painful when betrayed by the one we thought we could trust the most and I am so sorry you have experienced this on so many different levels! I know the onslaught of emotion must feel unbearable, at times – especially when when magnified by feeling financially trapped.

 

 

 

It is too of great concern that you mentioned you’ve also endured some physical abuse. My heart breaks with each report of domestic abuse – in whatever form, it is NEVER okay. I am certainly not being flip when I say this.. you are NOT ALONE. PLEASE reach out and surround yourself with a good support system. People really do want to help, but just don’t know in what capacity. Coming here was a great start and IMO there is some sound direction in this thread. There are MANY resources available that can offer assistance in every capacity – from legal aid to housing. HOWEVER, first and foremost, it is important that you and your children are in a safe environment. Once you are, you can begin the process of healing – whether it is through counseling, therapy, etc. And yes – these services ARE available for those in financial distress.

If you haven’t already, I hope to encourage you to reach out to your pastor, as well. Often times there are ministries under the direction of the church community that help provide additional support in areas of need. Prayer is powerful and I do believe God can change even the most seemingly impossible situation!

My dear friend, I can only imagine how scary all this must be. Do not doubt yourself for one minute. – look at what you have already been though! You are strong! And you are not alone!

 

 

If necessary, please do not hesitate to call The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.7233 - from them you will be given information for the State Coalition in which you reside.

 

 

It comes from my heart when I say you will be in my prayers. Please check back when you can and let us all know how you are doing.

-P