vvff Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 (edited) My wife and I have been together for 12 years and married for 8. We have one 5 year old son and she has a 17 year old I have raised a my own since he was 5. Our marriage has never been perfect but has always been great! 2 months ago out of nowhere my wife tells me she doesn't love me anymore and she's going to see a lawyer. I was blown away, crushed, and devastated. I asked her for another chance but she said she just doesn't feel any passion towards me. We have always let our youngest play with a boy down the street. My wife and the husband started being close friends. Chatting online and text. I found out from his wife that about the same time my marriage was having trouble they started having trouble. I have confronted her about it and she says we're just friends. We are now seperated but still living together because she has no place to go and I refuse to make the kids leave their home. She will say I love you sometimes and give me a kiss sometimes. She has recently removed her wedding rings and said when things get better between us she will put then back on. She says right now she needs her space she wants to be free. She doesn't care for the kids the house she does nothing and that wasn't her before. She's been a stay at home mother and always been free to do what she wants. How can somebody rip a family apart. How could a person rip somebodys heart out. She tells her friends and family that I am a amazing man and a great person and father. Well then why is she doing this to us??? When we met it was that instant connection we always said we found our soulmate when we found each other. She is so cold now she won't talk about it and if I get emotional she tells me she doesn't want to deal with me. This is the woman that was with me while I had cancer and then watched my dad pass away from it. We have built so much and been through so much how do you just give up on that? I'm sorry for the rambling I just don't have anybody to talk to and have had this pinned in for months. We have always been each others bestfriend and when we had problems we talked together and dealt with them together. I am now without that partner and friend and don't know where to turn! Edited May 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs ~6
pteromom Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 It sounds like she might be having, at the least, an emotional affair or crush situation with this neighbor. I am sorry. I think you are taking the high road letting her stay there for now for your son. She has some stuff to work out and there's no reason to take her issues out on him. Here's my suggestion - quit trying to make her love you. Instead, turn that energy toward yourself. Work out. Eat well. Invest time and energy into hobbies that fulfill you. Volunteer. Go out with friends. Watch funny movies. Buy some new clothes. Get a new haircut. Be the person you want to be. It may draw her back to you, if she is reminded of the person she fell for in the first place. (She will surely NOT find her way back to you if you are mopey or angry or cutting or critical.) Even if it doesn't draw her back, or if it does and you decide you are done with the marriage, you will be in a much better place. She could be having an affair. Or she could be just really confused. But right now, the ball is in her court (unless you decide to divorce her.) I am really sorry you are dealing with this.
gemini6 Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 I have to agree with Pteromom..check out the 180 post on here and start doing it...I did it naturally, as it was my first instinct when my H came home with the same crap your wife is pulling on you..I was confused, heartbroken and thrown off balance because it was so out of the blue - come to find out he was having an EA that turned to a PA with a co-worker.... I was told things that cut to the core - I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore, we should have never got married ( thanks for letting me know 15 years later!!) I've been miserable with you for YEARS.( really?? I was unaware of all that misery when we were in Key West a few months ago, and last night when we were snuggled up watching a movie!) To say the least I was bewildered beyond belief..but, as I learned here, WS ( wayward spouses) usually re-write the marriage history to justify what they are doing... So, don't think you are alone! I'm 5 years out from that dreadful day and I can tell you that we survived it, we are still together and very happy - it was a painful time, a painful process and learning experience for sure BUT I am a total different person now, I take ZERO **** from anyone and I am the happiest I've ever been The absolute BEST thing you can do is this: Wife, I want you to be happy and I want to be happy too..you are right, the spark is gone. I've been unhappy too Goodbye and good luck! Now, as hard as that will be to say, you HAVE to be a good actor and be convincing!! I used to sing zippidy doo dah in my head when I was around him, while smiling and pretending that him leaving was the best damn thing that ever happened to me - I also told him to go choke on the greener grass I also told his little girlfriend to HAVE THAT **** - I don't want a cheating scumbag - good luck with it sweetie! I went out with friends, I stayed away fr4om the house as much as possible, I did NOT call him, I did NOT text him, I did NOT really talk to him when I was at home ( If I was forced to talk to him I was nice and happy, all the time) I did NOT ask him questions, I did NOT let him see me cry! I got my hair done, did my nails, dressed to the 9's in nice clothes, got facials, went tanning, went to the gym, lost 30lbs ( which was too much but hey, I was stressed!!) anyway - went to the movies, went canoeing, kayaking, the beach, went on vacation with some friends - ......drank a lot of wine! LOL. It was HARD!! But my pride and self respect would not let me mope around for a man that threw me away like garbage!! No sir! so....start there and come back here to post - there are great people here that will help you through anything that you face! 2
Conclude Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 The 180 has probably helped me get out of the emotional turmoil the most. I don't even want my separation, and it seems so counter-intuitive, but it really is the one thing that has really "fixed" me from my initial broken state. Our situations almost seem identical as to the reasons why.. I hate to agree with the others, but an affair is possible. I have my suspicions that my wife has had an affair, and have evidence to back it up circumstantially. I had a friend who went through almost the exact same situation I am going through now a while back, and couldn't figure out why his wife changed. For him, he exclaimed the same sentiment I have now. Nothing adds up. He ended up getting proof and an admission from his wife on having an affair. His outlook on the situation in retrospect: "The signs were all there and I just knew.. I had a gut instinct." Not every case is the same though.. Google stories of spouses who get accused of cheating falsely to get a perspective on an innocent spouse. But, that said, the cheating stories all seem to have a template. They all seem to follow a same script in a way. Just remember one thing. No matter what happens with your situation, if you haven't committed any truly heinous atrocities in your marriage, don't blame yourself too much man. Some people just change and you might not ever find out why, even though there is a reason. It's tough to swallow, but honestly, that's the reality of the situation. If things turn for the worst, whatever that may be, don't forget that holding onto resentment will only hurt yourself in the long run. The quote I see all over the internet is a quote by Carrie Fisher - "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Keep your head up, you'll get through this.
bluefeather Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 vvff, sorry you are going through this. check out the 180 post on here and start doing it.. what 180 post?
Sickofmymarriage Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 It's very sad to read your post. Nobody should have to deal with a spouse like that. I think that you need to pick up the pieces, leave her miserable ass, and start enjoying your life again. I hope everything works out. And everything in life happens for a reason. Maybe she is not meant to be with you, and this is just the stepping stone for something bigger and better. All the best to you.
Author vvff Posted May 8, 2016 Author Posted May 8, 2016 Thank you very much for listening and your guidance!
gemini6 Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 Bluefeather, the 180 is under critical readings along with other helpful tools..it's pinned at the top of the page of "separation and divorce", above all the posts from users.. I would strongly recommend taking a look at it It's very helpful. 1
standtall Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 VVF, Women with minor children..especially that young..seldom leave marriages unless. 1. Physical or emotional abuse by you. 2. Emotional abandonment by you...ie too much Xbox, too many fantasy football teams, too much hanging out with the boys. etc. 3. Drug/alcohol abuse by either. 4. 3rd party involvement by either. Since there are no absolutes in human behaviors or relationships, then this list is not absolute, but I would bet this covers 95%. Pick your poison...be objective.
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