Did I cause her to leave?

[themooseisloose]

Background:

 

In college I had a 3 year relationship end right before graduation. It ended because I found out that she had been cheating on me for a few months. This scarred me deeply and it is something that I will never forget. It fundamentally changed the way I view people (both men and women) moving forward.

 

After college I decided to make my career my mission and get out of the Midwest and move to the East coast to pursue my ambitions. Long story short, I still haven't found the right career for me, but I am full time employed with a good job in NYC.

 

I decided to start dating again and met a girl that I really liked. Her and I were very different however. I was born and raised in the Midwest, came from a traditional in tact family and went to public school my whole life. I'm an extroverted person who enjoys talking to people. She on the other hand was born out of the country and moved to New York at a very young age. She comes from a broken home (mom & dad still married but absolutely hate each other), she's an introverted person and went through the private school experience, even into college.

 

She was very caring and kind to me. She bought me things, she always would reach out to me first, i.e. never let us go to long without contacting one another. She would come over to my place twice a week. On Thanksgiving she and her mom cooked me Thanksgiving dinner and she brought it over to my place. I met her family in the fall and she met my mom and dad around Christmas time.

 

I always have my guard up though because of what happened in the past. Anytime I would get insecure about something with this new girl, I would shut down on her, i.e. ignore her and give her the silent treatment. This happened once after we went to a baseball game together and she wasn't really talking to me much. She seemed annoyed. Because of my past I thought "well, ****. Guess she isn't interested in me and there must be someone else on the side she's seeing." So I shut down on her. She called me and texted me immediately afterwards saying that she hoped I got to feeling better.

 

She would tell me that I needed to stop shutting down on her so much. To celebrate being together for a year we took a trip to another city for the weekend. She made a comment during the trip about how "divorce will always be an option for her even if she has kids". I've always told her it bothers me when she talks like that as I've come from a family that has stuck together through thick and thin. Her family however, has had a-lot of problems. She told me that she was just being honest with me but I interpreted it as her indicating that I wasn't a man she considered marriage material which deeply hurt and offended me. This happened the first night of our trip but I didn't let it ruin things. We had a fun time for the weekend.

 

However, on Sunday when we were leaving I decided to tell her how I really didn't appreciate that remark and we had a fight. We soothed things over before the bus ride back but as soon as we got off the bus in NYC I basically just turned to her, gave her a kiss and said "i'll see ya later" and walked off. We didn't talk for a week after that and I finally called her to apologize.

 

We met the next day after I called her but the vibe was different. She seemed annoyed with me. She told me "you have to stop shutting me out". She seemed exhausted by it. That was the second to last time I saw her. We seemed to get along fine but she seemed checked out of the relationship. Finally, we hadn't seen each other for the whole week but had dinner plans on Friday which she canceled because she had to "work late". She gave me excuses as to why she couldn't see me the rest of the weekend either. She said "let's do dinner and Netflix on Monday and then go eat dinner on Saturday", of the following week.

 

My mind immediately went to "she's got to be seeing another guy" and I initiated the dump conversation, i.e. "I think this relationship has run it's course". She immediately agreed and we basically ended a 1 year relationship over text message. We didn't say anything mean to each other but I was pretty upset. I decided to call her Sunday because I didn't want things to end over the phone. When I spoke to her on the phone she was cold as ice. It hurt really bad. Sounded like I was a stranger to her.

 

The following day she sent me a long text message saying that she deeply cared for me but that she felt I had too much stress in my life for this to work. she said she knew how hurtful this was and that she was so sorry that she was the one who was hurting me. She also said that she didn't want me to think I did anything wrong. She felt like we "weren't going anywhere" and said it was on both of us that the relationship ended. But I just can't believe that. She used to be so crazy about me. I mean we had literally gone on a weekend trip together just 2 weeks before this all went down.

 

Is it possible that me shutting her down drove her into the arms of another man?

Edited May 5, 2016 by themooseisloose

[Larryville]

Is it possible that me shutting her down drove her into the arms of another man?

 

Absolutely… yes!

[Versacehottie]

Background:

 

Is it possible that me shutting her down drove her into the arms of another man?

 

Sure it's possible but it's far more likely that: shutting her down just plain drove her away because she is exhausted by it. I don't think it's that likely that it's another guy.

 

She's sounds pretty great. I think it would be worth it to try to fix things. You know what your issues are: shutting her out. just come clean with her and come up with a strategy for when you are feeling like that that you both can agree to. Sounds like she wanted some space to teach you not to treat her like that. Effectively she just gave you a dose of your own medicine by shutting you out that weekend. I don't know why you jumped to the conclusions that she would be cheating on you when you have done the same to her before and she did not jump to those conclusions.

 

Try to fix it. Whether it's just the way you interact with your romantic partners or that you fix that and fix things with her too. Good luck

[ExpatInItaly]

Where are you getting that she's with another man?

 

Look, I'll be honest. My ex-boyfriend was very similar in that he would constantly be suspicious and shut down on me, being cold and ignoring me when he had some random thought I might be up to no good. (I never was) It was truly draining emotionally and just plain destructive to the relationship, especially given that I was very devoted to him. It hurt me a lot and I eventually gave up and walked away.

 

That type of cold behaviour is enough to wear away at loving feelings and cause a relationship breakdown. Essentially, you were holding this new girl hostage for your ex's mistakes, and that's just plain unfair. Being crazy about a guy isn't enough when he is closing the door to his heart. She was probably wondering why she wasn't good enough to get in there, so to speak.

 

So, yes, I do think you actively pushed her away. I don't necessarily agree there's another man involved. I'm not saying she's perfect, and I do get where your hurt is coming from, having been betrayed pretty badly in the past too. It's awful and you're right, it changes your perception in a serious way. But I had to learn not to project that betrayal onto sincere men who had zero to do with it. I think you should take this time to do the same.

[Satu]

snip

Anytime I would get insecure about something with this new girl, *I would shut down on her, i.e. ignore her and give her the silent treatment. This happened once after we went to a baseball game together and she wasn't really talking to me much. She seemed annoyed. Because of my past I thought "well, ****. Guess she isn't interested in me and there must be someone else on the side she's seeing." So *I shut down on her. She called me and texted me immediately afterwards saying that she hoped I got to feeling better.

 

*She would tell me that I needed to stop shutting down on her so much.

 

We met the next day after I called her but the vibe was different. She seemed annoyed with me. *She told me "you have to stop shutting me out".

 

My mind immediately went to "she's got to be seeing another guy" and I initiated the dump conversation, i.e. "I think this relationship has run it's course". She immediately agreed and we basically ended a 1 year relationship over text message. We didn't say anything mean to each other but I was pretty upset. I decided to call her Sunday because I didn't want things to end over the phone. **When I spoke to her on the phone she was cold as ice. It hurt really bad. Sounded like I was a stranger to her.

 

 

Is it possible that me shutting her down drove her into the arms of another man?

 

Yes, it is possible.

 

*She told you repeatedly that your behaviour was a problem and you didn't act on it.

 

**When she was "cold as ice," she was mirroring back your behaviour.

 

Every time you shut her out, you also came over as being "cold as ice."

 

The 'Silent Treatment,' is a passive-aggressive way of punishing someone.

 

It is a form of emotional abuse.

 

She made the right choice in ending the relationship.

 

Yes, The Silent Treatment Is Emotional Abuse

 

This is a behaviour you need to eliminate, if you're ever to have a healthy relationship that lasts.

 

 

Take care.

[themooseisloose]

Where are you getting that she's with another man?

 

I feel this way because when we broke up she didn't mention anything about me shutting her out. She went as far as to say that she felt like we "weren't going anywhere". I asked her what she meant and she said she didn't know. In her text the next day she made a comment about how my job was really stressful and making me miserable and that that wasn't good for our relationship.

 

But again, anytime I hear stuff like this it's because I feel like she's just not attracted to me anymore and is making excuses, i.e. she must have met another man. I guess I really am f*cked up in the head after what my ex did to me.

[ExpatInItaly]

I feel this way because when we broke up she didn't mention anything about me shutting her out. She went as far as to say that she felt like we "weren't going anywhere". I asked her what she meant and she said she didn't know. In her text the next day she made a comment about how my job was really stressful and making me miserable and that that wasn't good for our relationship.

 

But again, anytime I hear stuff like this it's because I feel like she's just not attracted to me anymore and is making excuses, i.e. she must have met another man. I guess I really am f*cked up in the head after what my ex did to me.

 

Yes, I think you're slowly realizing you have a lot of healing left to do.

 

You know why this recent ex wanted out. She grew tired of your behaviour. Did she really need to repeat it when you dumped her? I don't see why she would need to mention you shutting her out again. I think you made a pretty big leap from her being fed up and hurt, to her being with another man.

 

My advice: stay single for a while. Do some deep soul-searching and really address that pain you still have. It's not fair to enter a relationship and project all of that onto a woman who seems like she was very into you. You're not ready to let someone else in yet.

[Satu]

I feel this way because when we broke up she didn't mention anything about me shutting her out. She went as far as to say that she felt like we "weren't going anywhere". I asked her what she meant and she said she didn't know. In her text the next day she made a comment about how my job was really stressful and making me miserable and that that wasn't good for our relationship.

 

But again, anytime I hear stuff like this it's because I feel like she's just not attracted to me anymore and is making excuses, i.e. she must have met another man. I guess I really am f*cked up in the head after *what my ex did to me.

 

*It sounds to me like you still have a lot of anger lying under the surface towards this ex, that you projected onto to latest partner.

 

You need to dig that up and deal with it.

 

If you don't it will keep popping up in a very unhelpful and inappropriate way.

 

Counselling would help.

 

So would a period of fearless self-examination.

 

 

Take care.

[basil67]

I feel this way because when we broke up she didn't mention anything about me shutting her out.

 

She's already told you numerous times that you shutting her out was a problem. Do you really think it was necessary to say it yet again?

[smackie9]

A person can only put up with that kind of behavior for so long. You absolutely wore her down to the point it was just too much for her to handle.... very disheartening/ made her too sad. It pushed her to fall out of love.

 

Lesson learned....I hope.

[d0nnivain]

You made a classic mistake. Once burned by a GF who cheated you now assume all women cheat. You spent your entire relationship with this woman in NYC punishing her for the sins of your college GF. Where in there was that fair to her? It wasn't & because you kept on doing it, she got fed up.

 

Yes, your behavior caused her to break up with you. However, there is no indication that it sent her into the arms of another man. That is your paranoia & you projecting. It's not based in reality. Until you stop doing that you will never be able to have a healthy relationship.

[Versacehottie]

She's already told you numerous times that you shutting her out was a problem. Do you really think it was necessary to say it yet again?

 

Plus you said you wrote the let's just end this text, right? When she got that, she obviously took the high road rather than groveling or rehashing the past with you. That's one of the reasons I thought she sounded pretty good.

 

I think when she said "this isn't going anywhere" she meant there had already been too many times of telling you what you could correct to beat that dead horse again. It was a summation. Actually it may or may not have been a new true problem whatever she said about your work OR she may have been trying to be gracious about it (another sign to me that it would be worth another chance).

 

I agree with Satu, Expat and the others though, that you can't just try again (with anyone) without actively working on your "stuff". I think the fact that you are letting thoughts of other guys creep into the possible scenarios is CRAZY especially since none of the facts you presents said anything like that. Just thoughts in your head. That mindset will also drive people away too.

[Satu]

The relevant psychological truism is, "Work it out, or you'll probably act it out."

 

We've all done it.

 

I know I did, until I fought my angry ghosts, and made a peace treaty with them.

 

I still have my 'not quite rational' moments...

 

 

"Bring me a sane man, and I will cure him."

 

- Carl Jung.

[Poutrew]

I think you both contributed to the downfall, equally, but for different reasons. On your side, it was the shutting down, and the passive aggressive anger issues left over from your previous relationship. On her side, it was the totally dysfunctional family, and her always having an 'out' - as evidenced by the mention of divorce. You're not even close to being married yet, and she is mentioning divorce as a way out. She didn't have the strength of character to fight for something she wants badly...she just gets 'tired' and walks away.

 

The sad part of it is , that your problems are curable. You can recognize your faults and work to improve them. You will eventually find a loving woman whom you can trust. She, on the other hand, doesn't have a chance for improvement without professional help (which she will never get). I know this type of woman. She will be destined to be the quiet, mousy librarian you see so often. She will have no life, have a vibrant imagination which she will have no idea on how to turn into a reality. She'll die rich, because she never spends her paycheck on anything. In short, a female Walter Mitty... a life wasted.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you both contributed to the downfall, equally, but for different reasons. On your side, it was the shutting down, and the passive aggressive anger issues left over from your previous relationship. On her side, it was the totally dysfunctional family, and her always having an 'out' - as evidenced by the mention of divorce. You're not even close to being married yet, and she is mentioning divorce as a way out. She didn't have the strength of character to fight for something she wants badly...she just gets 'tired' and walks away.

 

The sad part of it is , that your problems are curable. You can recognize your faults and work to improve them. You will eventually find a loving woman whom you can trust. She, on the other hand, doesn't have a chance for improvement without professional help (which she will never get). I know this type of woman. She will be destined to be the quiet, mousy librarian you see so often. She will have no life, have a vibrant imagination which she will have no idea on how to turn into a reality. She'll die rich, because she never spends her paycheck on anything. In short, a female Walter Mitty... a life wasted.

 

I'm sorry, but I must disagree that she showed a lack of strength. I think she demonstrated quite the opposite: she spoke up plenty of times about this problem, and OP did nothing to correct it. In fact, he continued to punish her for something his ex-girlfriend did. Why should the onus fall on her to fight for something when he did nothing to meet her half-way? That makes very little sense.

 

She exhibited some good self-preservation skills by recognizing it wasn't getting better and followed his suggestion that the relationship had run its course. I would venture you have never been in her shoes, because if you had, you would certainly understand that the this form of emotional abuse - and yes, his behaviour was emotionally abusive - has no place in a healthy relationship.

[Alamo657]

I'm sorry, but I must disagree that she showed a lack of strength. I think she demonstrated quite the opposite: she spoke up plenty of times about this problem, and OP did nothing to correct it. In fact, he continued to punish her for something his ex-girlfriend did. Why should the onus fall on her to fight for something when he did nothing to meet her half-way? That makes very little sense.

 

She exhibited some good self-preservation skills by recognizing it wasn't getting better and followed his suggestion that the relationship had run its course. I would venture you have never been in her shoes, because if you had, you would certainly understand that the this form of emotional abuse - and yes, his behaviour was emotionally abusive - has no place in a healthy relationship.

i disagree that she is strong, the OP clearly drive her away with his suspiciousness, but her own past made her flee when she saw the result of past scars in the character of the op,instead of understanding where its coming from and help him fix himself.

 

She took the easy escape road.

[basil67]

i disagree that she is strong, the OP clearly drive her away with his suspiciousness, but her own past made her flee when she saw the result of past scars in the character of the op,instead of understanding where its coming from and help him fix himself.

 

She took the easy escape road.

 

Why would she want a guy who keeps shutting down?

 

Most often the grass IS greener and she's gone to find someone who's emotionally stable. Her ability to move on shows good personal boundaries - not weakness. She's far better off starting over with a new guy who's not carting around relationship killing baggage.

 

Besides, only he can fix himself. Trying to fix someone else is a pointless exercise.

[Alamo657]

Why would she want a guy who keeps shutting down?

 

Most often the grass IS greener and she's gone to find someone who's emotionally stable. Her ability to move on shows good personal boundaries - not weakness. She's far better off starting over with a new guy who's not carting around relationship killing baggage.

 

Besides, only he can fix himself. Trying to fix someone else is a pointless exercise.

 

If people could fix themselves alone they wouldnt need a therapist. Being with someone who empathically accompany you on the road to get better is ok too.