Ex contacted me after 1 month NC

[tstump]

I'll try my best to be succinct here...

 

I'm 28 years old and started dating my ex girlfriend when I was 20, we are the same age. Our relationship had been through a lot, we stayed together while i went to college (only 2.5 hrs away) and we moved in together when i graduated 3 years ago. My friends like her, her friends like me, families also get along great, everyone thought marriage. We got along great and she treated me great. Over the last two years or so my attraction to her began to fade and eventually our sex life had dwindled to about once a week, sometimes 2 weeks. I would constantly turn her down for sex, I knew this hurt her but i just couldn't force myself to do it. Our relationship basically just fizzled out, and i was the cause of it. I used to be so in love, and so attracted to her. She's very attractive and just about any guy would love to be with her (got hit on all the time when we were out). But there were just so many things about her I just found so annoying, and cringe inducing. I felt trapped in my current situation, like there were so many other things i wanted to do in my life but wouldn't be able to if i was still with her.

 

Then eventually, the worst case scenario. Got into a big fight and she admitted to sleeping with someone else a couple weeks prior. I packed up and moved out the next day, back to my parents.

 

I'm less than a week into NC and going absolutely insane. Based on my behavior this is what i wanted right? I even knew this would happen, if I'm not going to be intimate with her, she's going elsewhere. I can't shake the feeling that I made a huge mistake. Coming across GIGS really resonated with me, and can't help but think this is what i fell victim to. If she hadn't cheated we would probably still be together. There are so many things I could have done differently, and want to talk to her so bad. I just want to be happy with her, but because of the cheating I know I would just resent her for it, and have a hard time trusting again.

 

I'm really just venting here, would love hear some thoughts

 

Thanks

Edited March 20, 2016 by tstump
fix title

[rbrt1986]

It won't be the same, man.

 

You'll worry whenever you're not with her. You'll check her phone. You'll be constantly worried she's cheating. Even if she's not, it will feel like she is.

 

After trust is gone any subsequent relationship will be miserable. You can't blame yourself for her cheating. If she had problems, she could have turned to you, not away from you. Keep your head up.

[Steven1]

I know how you feel mate. My 7 year relationship just ended a few weeks ago.

 

The cheating for me is a no go and that should be enough evidence that you are better than her and deserve better. She could be the most beautiful woman in the world that every man wanted, but if she cheats, she's not worth the time or the pain. I've always been a believer of that, once cheating has happened, you have to be INCREDIBLY strong mentally and trustworthy to believe her that she hasn't done it again, nights when she comes home late or doesn't answer her phone for a while etc, if that would get to you then it's not worth putting yourself through that at all.

 

If you found things annoying and cringe worthy about her, then she wasn't the right one for you. If they were just niggly things then perhaps maybe at least in the future you might see that as something that can be looked past, unless they were that annoying lol. But if you felt trapped etc then even though the relationship lasted for so long, then maybe it had just run it's course, sounds weird saying after 8 years but such as life is, it can happen unfortunately.

 

Even still though you still don't sound 100% sure that you made a mistake, which would often suggest that a part of you does believe it as the right decision to make. Like I said though, if she did cheat then it's up to you if you want to give it a second go, but as I said, you have to so much trust in her to make it work.

[tstump]

It won't be the same, man.

 

You'll worry whenever you're not with her. You'll check her phone. You'll be constantly worried she's cheating. Even if she's not, it will feel like she is.

 

After trust is gone any subsequent relationship will be miserable. You can't blame yourself for her cheating. If she had problems, she could have turned to you, not away from you. Keep your head up.

 

Thank you

 

That's exactly right. I know she wanted me to propose, then she cheats on me! It just really hurts that she didn't just try and talk to me about it, and try to resolve issues. Could be worse though, could have been married or have kids when this all went down. Essentially a clean break

[tstump]

I know how you feel mate. My 7 year relationship just ended a few weeks ago.

 

The cheating for me is a no go and that should be enough evidence that you are better than her and deserve better. She could be the most beautiful woman in the world that every man wanted, but if she cheats, she's not worth the time or the pain. I've always been a believer of that, once cheating has happened, you have to be INCREDIBLY strong mentally and trustworthy to believe her that she hasn't done it again, nights when she comes home late or doesn't answer her phone for a while etc, if that would get to you then it's not worth putting yourself through that at all.

 

If you found things annoying and cringe worthy about her, then she wasn't the right one for you. If they were just niggly things then perhaps maybe at least in the future you might see that as something that can be looked past, unless they were that annoying lol. But if you felt trapped etc then even though the relationship lasted for so long, then maybe it had just run it's course, sounds weird saying after 8 years but such as life is, it can happen unfortunately.

 

Even still though you still don't sound 100% sure that you made a mistake, which would often suggest that a part of you does believe it as the right decision to make. Like I said though, if she did cheat then it's up to you if you want to give it a second go, but as I said, you have to so much trust in her to make it work.

 

Thank you

 

I know that I did the right thing, I can't help my feelings towards her right? It could only get worse over time. It's just hard to accept as I'm sure you know

[Satu]

In the not very distant future you'll see this breakup as a good thing.

[Steven1]

Exactly mate. Your feelings will be there for her for a while, and even with me and you, the relationships that we've just come out of for the time they were, 7 and 8 years, were a very big part of our lives, and they always will be. Even in 10/20/30 years if we are with other people, we'll still remember these relationships.

 

It'll sound cheesey, very cheesey lol, but just think of the Rocky Balboa quote

 

'Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward.'

 

I'm a strong believer that no matter how much something can hurt you, if you can move on from it, it does make you a stronger person for it.

[tstump]

Exactly mate. Your feelings will be there for her for a while, and even with me and you, the relationships that we've just come out of for the time they were, 7 and 8 years, were a very big part of our lives, and they always will be. Even in 10/20/30 years if we are with other people, we'll still remember these relationships.

 

It'll sound cheesey, very cheesey lol, but just think of the Rocky Balboa quote

 

'Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward.'

 

I'm a strong believer that no matter how much something can hurt you, if you can move on from it, it does make you a stronger person for it.

 

lol Rocky to the rescue. Moving forward, it's all about moving forward

[Satu]

Re: Rocky.

[tstump]

Had a really rough go today trying to maintain NC. When we did break up, we had just got back from the bar and were both intoxicated. There are so many things left unsaid on my end, just feel I have to get it off my chest. Ended up calling a friend and talked for a bit, felt better.

 

I know it's only been 1 week, but if these urges don't subside I can't see myself holding out much longer. She's the one person I want to talk to, and know that she's the last one I should. I guess i'm looking for peace of mind here, the NC guide would probably consider this looking for closure. Going to try my best to give it another week or two and hope I can get through this

 

Again, just venting here.

[kztar]

You let the relationship get fizzled and she found what you weren't giving her elsewhere. Move on for your own good. Trust me im sure she's also hurting because its hard to feel neglected by the person who you love most. I've been in her shoes and honestly its a wrong decision but when you're trying and trying and someone else comes in the picture and shows you different, its hard to not go for it. I did it and I don't regret it ONE bit.

 

Move on and learn from this.

[tstump]

Here is my breakup story from back in March. Ended with infidelity due to my lack of effort in the relationship.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/574253-8-year-relationship-ended-last-weekend

 

Aftermath of the break up:

 

Two weeks go by and she contacts me. End up going to her place, talking for a few hours and eventually had sex.

 

The next day she starts blowing me up with text messages, really tugging at my heart strings and i see her again. The same thing takes place.

 

One week after that I contact her in an attempt to reconcile. Let's me see her, talk and have sex again. At this point I think our relationship may be fixable. But two days later she stops the process and tells me to "stop ****ing with her" and "feels liberated being single." Which i have to respect, I don't want to rob her of that. That was the absolute crusher. From our prior talks I know she's slept with other people and basically been partying/drinking non stop with her friends.

 

I haven't been drinking, focusing on my hobbies and resently started therapy. Two days ago she sends me this message "Hey.. I'm sorry to bother you but I really want to hear your voice and I know it's totally inappropriate." My first feelings about this were anger, I had been feeling much better. I really do want to talk to her, but I think she was just having a moment of loneliness, and hasn't really dealt with the front end of the grieving process. I've come to realize she was the one ****ing with me after the breakup, trying to ignore her feelings.

 

I never responded to the text but am sooo tempted to do so. Possible she's having a change of heart??

 

Please help!

 

Thanks

[NTV]

Okay man, first things first, do not blame yourself for her cheating. She had plenty of other options available than to do that, and nothing you did or didn't do made her cheat.

 

 

Second, did you ever consider she's doing all this not because she cares for you but because it's a game? Like a cat toying with a mouse? What can she get you to do even after she cheats?

 

 

You're 28 and have had an 8 year relationship. With no kids? Why not found out what else is out there? You know what life will be like with her, the good and the bad. What if there is something better?

 

 

And then there is the fear. If she'll cheat once, unless she gets some counseling and makes major changes.... then she's probably going to do it again. Do you want to be married with kids next time? Do you want to end up paying someone alimony for the pleasure of getting cheated on?

 

 

Trust me, that's not a good place to be.

[kendahke]

Block her. Stop allowing her to get through to you to plant these stupid seeds.

 

If she wants to be with you, she will show up in person and talk to you.

 

Don't make it easy for her to waltz back in your life when she feels like it. Make her do some really heavy lifting--that way, you will see just how sincere she really isn't about all this. She's using you for convenient sex--but understand: you may say "hey, win-win for me", but when she gets up and puts her clothes back on and tells you "I want to be free to do what I want to do", you're going to loathe yourself for lowering your value.

[ConfusedCloud]

She sounds mean, judging by her texts, sounds like she has no respect for you at all. Doesn't sound healthy, even if you did get back with her. My first thought reading your post, was maybe she assumed you were using her for sex because you kept hanging out, talking, ending with sex. Maybe she thought you were just an ex that was using her to get back at her. Who knows. She certainly freaked out and didn't handle it very well (she could have had a mature conversation about it with you, just to see where you stood). Instead she flew off the handle and accused you of messing with her - probably out of her own guilt of infidelity.

 

 

 

 

People who feel guilty about wrong things they've done, tend to place the blame on the other person at any chance they get. She cheated, she THINKS you used her for sex after, so now you're the bad guy. Get it?

 

 

She sounds very immature, and quite frankly, emotionally unstable. Best to just cut your losses and move on in my opinion. Not sure if its worth salvaging.

[tstump]

Wow, thank you all for the responses. The breakup is still so raw I have all these kneejerk emotional reactions to the stuff rattling around in my head. These really helped gain a less emotional perspective. Much appreciated.

[tstump]

you're going to loathe yourself for lowering your value.

 

Definitely felt that way after the reconciliation attempt was shot down.

 

She sounds mean, judging by her texts, sounds like she has no respect for you at all. Doesn't sound healthy, even if you did get back with her. My first thought reading your post, was maybe she assumed you were using her for sex because you kept hanging out, talking, ending with sex. Maybe she thought you were just an ex that was using her to get back at her. Who knows. She certainly freaked out and didn't handle it very well (she could have had a mature conversation about it with you, just to see where you stood). Instead she flew off the handle and accused you of messing with her - probably out of her own guilt of infidelity.

 

People who feel guilty about wrong things they've done, tend to place the blame on the other person at any chance they get. She cheated, she THINKS you used her for sex after, so now you're the bad guy. Get it?

 

I think we were both using each other to not feel so lonely. After having that emotional support of 8 years ripped out from under us, we were just looking for a quick fix. I (regretfully) saw it as something more at the time.

 

 

You're 28 and have had an 8 year relationship. With no kids? Why not found out what else is out there? You know what life will be like with her, the good and the bad. What if there is something better?

 

 

This is a hard one. After being with her since I was 20 I've realized I've never really been an adult on my own. For whatever reason, I never proposed. Something in my gut I guess. I am committed to finding happiness without the support of a significant other. I'm sure I'll meet people along the way on that journey

[JohnFDoe]

She had another man inside of her unbeknownst to you, huffing and puffing, loving it so much so she didnt even tell you. After 8 years...

 

If that doesn't piss you off enough to dump this worthless sack of skin, then I dunno what to say. She obviously cheated because she needed validation to know if she still had high sexual marketplace value.

 

She cheated, walk away, end of store.

[NTV]

Good to hear man!!! Try being single a while. You've been with her so long you guys might have been married. Forget about relationships for a year or so. It might feel lonely or scary at first but once you get used to doing whatever the heck you want it's a darn good feeling.

[Giggles666]

It was what you wanted, we all have egos is all. We all also hate trust being broken. Once trust is gone IMO you have to focus on that, broken trust is poison.

[tstump]

Feel like I need to update/vent a little bit here.

 

About 5 days after she sent that text message I never responded to she called me, and I answered... Caught me while I was by myself in my room.

 

When answered I basically just asked why she was calling me. She responded "I don't know..." Sounded like she had been crying. I tried to pry by asking, "Is there something you want to tell me or talk to me about?" Again her response "I don't know." So I called her out on her bull****. "You're calling me looking for some kind of stroke, baiting me into saying I miss you, so you can sleep tonight" She insisted that wasn't the case. At this point I was really mad at myself for answering...

 

A few exchanges I remember that really pissed me off

 

Her: I'm proud of you for how you're coping

Me: I wish I could say the same to you. I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for myself

 

Her: I had a really hard week...

Me: Are you f'ing kidding me? I've had a lot of them, get used to it. You turned down my reconciliation so you could go rebound, and now I'm assuming thats not going so well

 

I could hear her getting mad after that one, and she responded "I'm not going to see anyone for a while"

 

Basically got absolutely nothing out of it, @kendahke was 100% right. My tone during this conversation wasn't very calm, she could tell i was angry. Even though she didn't get a positive reaction out of me, she probably got some satisfaction knowing she can still invoke a negative one. So in the end she probably go exactly what she wanted. Obviously shouldn't have answered, but lesson learned. I guess I was hoping she truly was having a change of heart, but not the case. I've since blocked both her phones numbers (personal and work). I also learned (unwillingly) that she is still with rebound guy, which was no surprise to me.

 

The phone call did set me back a bit but I really have been feeling better. Living in this town is whats really killing me. People are constantly updating me on where they've seen her (not my close friends, just people I run into that know both of us). I get extremely nervous when I'm out, can't really relax or be myself knowing I could bump into her or her friends at any moment. I've had a few weekends out of town visiting some friends and they've been amazing. I honestly think moving away might be the best thing for me. Which is totally doable with my job.

 

The call happened about a month ago, been NC ever since

 

Anyways, thanks for reading. Bottom line: STAY NC!!!

[NTV]

Thanks for the update man!

 

Stay N C that's pretty wise words.

 

As far as the other folks in town...

 

Them: " I just saw your ex it looks like she's doing..."

 

You: " that's nice.... but I just saw the new Deadpool movie. And it's awesome! Have you seen it?"

[rawrrxlaurr]

Personally, I think we are all human. Sometimes people cheat on people they truly love. And there is always a reason. Sometimes it's because the person is a narssasistic ******* just seeking pleasure, or sometimes it's a good person that allowed their own insecurities and need for validation to steer them in a bad direction.

 

You weren't making her feel wanted. When people don't feel wanted and attractive in their intimate committed relationship, often times they look to find that feeling elsewhere. But I think she most likely sensed the emotional disconnect more than anything. Which was probably the main catalyst. It's not uncommon. Is cheating wrong ? Of course. But I think the more important issue is the fact that you weren't attracted to her for a reason also.

 

Monogamous relationships are always messy in some way at some point, no matter how many rules we try to make for them. It's just a fact of life.

 

If you really want to be with her, then forgive her and also take responsibility for your part. If you just want her now becaus she's gone, then just let her go. And allow both of you to be happy.

[tstump]

Personally, I think we are all human. Sometimes people cheat on people they truly love. And there is always a reason. Sometimes it's because the person is a narssasistic ******* just seeking pleasure, or sometimes it's a good person that allowed their own insecurities and need for validation to steer them in a bad direction.

 

You weren't making her feel wanted. When people don't feel wanted and attractive in their intimate committed relationship, often times they look to find that feeling elsewhere. But I think she most likely sensed the emotional disconnect more than anything. Which was probably the main catalyst. It's not uncommon. Is cheating wrong ? Of course. But I think the more important issue is the fact that you weren't attracted to her for a reason also.

 

Monogamous relationships are always messy in some way at some point, no matter how many rules we try to make for them. It's just a fact of life.

 

If you really want to be with her, then forgive her and also take responsibility for your part. If you just want her now becaus she's gone, then just let her go. And allow both of you to be happy.

You're absolutely right. In our post breakup talks all of this came up. I did make her feel insecure. She's a hair stylist and most of her clients are men. She gets attention from them all day, from her other hair stylist friends, random people downtown, and would come home to get none of that from me. I'm definitely sad the way it all ended, but know the roll i played and know we could not keep going that direction. As much as i would like to hate her, I cant because i know she's a good person, and quite frankly my best friend. Sucks it had to come to that, but if I was a more mature person in the relationship, i should have ended things months prior. I was too scared and comfortable to go through the breakup. She ended it for me (think that's a quote from the GIGS thing).

 

When she called I had my guard up. A lot of emotion came pouring out. I really do want to be on my own for a while and gain as much clarity as possible about the relationship. Down the road I do want to talk with again, but right now there's still way too much emotion at play.

 

There's a whole other dynamic to the relationship I haven't brought up. Let's just say she has some work to do on her own, I don't want to be anywhere near that. She had hidden an adderall addiction from me for YEARS. Not a prescription, she buys it from who ever and takes it to get through her day to day. Basically to be energetic/efficeint at work.

 

I'm happy I have this opportunity to grow and learn, not going to rob myself of it now.

Edited June 9, 2016 by tstump

[Giggles666]

//Personally, I think we are all human. Sometimes people cheat on people they truly love. And there is always a reason. Sometimes it's because the person is a narssasistic ******* just seeking pleasure, or sometimes it's a good person that allowed their own insecurities and need for validation to steer them in a bad direction.

 

You weren't making her feel wanted. When people don't feel wanted and attractive in their intimate committed relationship, often times they look to find that feeling elsewhere. But I think she most likely sensed the emotional disconnect more than anything. Which was probably the main catalyst. It's not uncommon. Is cheating wrong ? Of course. But I think the more important issue is the fact that you weren't attracted to her for a reason also. //

 

I get what you're saying. In the end though breaking up with someone first is always an option. Of course right and wrong in many instances is relative, but I would not expect anyone but the person who cheated to own it. We have to own our own mistakes IMO. We are human, but we need to own it.

 

I once hand someone call me, make a half feeble attempt to break up with me while the guy she cheated with moments later was sitting next to her, then blame me. It's cowardly, but very human.