Fallenmelody Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 (edited) Hello, I am very new to this forum and this is my first post.. I'm in need of some guidance and not sure if my suspicions or gut feeling I've had for two years has been possible true? There is a co-worker that my bf has been pretty close with since meeting and I've always felt odd when he first brought her up. I'm no means perfect in a relationship without the thick and thin, but I've noticed my confidence has been zapped making me into something I don't want to be. (We also live together, the relationship is 4 years) He doesn't touch, look or even speak to me as of recently and won't bother opening up to communicate that has been a struggle since getting back together 3 years ago. He has refused to talk for over 6 months now.. (Shutting down) Here is the things leading up to it and I apologies for any incorrect grammar. 1) The first time I even heard of her, he had came to me in the shower saying that her Father invited him and I to dinner, which seemed odd to me given I've never met her and her Father?? She had moved down from a near State and was fairly new looking for friends.. He slept in throughout the entire day we were suppose to meet up with her and he texted saying I slept in and that he tried to get me up. (This was 2 years ago) 2) When we finally met at a dirt race they sat on each side of me and she leaned over me to tap him on his leg getting his attention, the entire time I would catch her staring at him till she would see me and turn her head quickly. They would get up on eat a time within 5 minutes apart to get stuff to drink and eat, but what seemed strange was that he got up when she was gone getting stuff. (wasn't entirely able to enjoy the event) This also happened where they both sat on each side of me during a Christmas work get together, I commented on how pretty her eyes were to just be friends since I felt terrible and she rolled her eyes and got up. Having that gut feeling I couldn't eat and had a feeling they were oggling each other.. (we didn't even go to the recent one, he opted out saying it was just boring, they also were texting a storm together leading up to things.) 3) They have happy hour at a bar and beach day where coworkers can get drunk apparently, I've been asking him for nearly 3 years to take me to the beach and even had a therapist attempt to. There was always an excuse..the only time he ever did was at a dog park beach where we stayed for 10 minutes, I pointed out the dolphins but..he get really upset about not being able to catch fish. Every time he would go to these beach days he never took me, always stating that it was private for only work and that you couldn't bring others, even though it was a public area.. 4) He had a an offer to go sky diving and of course my fear of heights kinda made me scared to say yes, I told him I didn't know and thought he would just take me anyways. Instead he went with the group and went on the same plan with her and two sky divers. 5) When I mentioned 2 years ago about being uncomfortable about her, calmly he started getting really upset and super defensive over her saying things loudly like.. "How do you know?! She is a very sweet person who hasn't done or given you any reason to judge her, why does it matter!? She hasn't done anything wrong!" I sat crying myself to sleep that night and now its really over...also was in heels and lingerie baking him a cake on his Birthday. (This was prior to the sky dive) He has also talked **** to his friend through saying.. Bro: "Hey you still with that dumb b****?" Him: "lol yeah.." Edited May 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language ~T
Zahara Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 (edited) He has also talked **** to his friend through saying.. Bro: "Hey you still with that dumb b****?" Him: "lol yeah.." Is he referring to you? If so, this would be enough for me to leave. This is how he views you. Yuck. Edited May 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author Fallenmelody Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 I know the yuck aspect of this and understand that its very easy to see, however I'm in a state of denial which..I hate dealing with! Hearing outside opinions has been getting me through it.
Zahara Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I know the yuck aspect of this and understand that its very easy to see, however I'm in a state of denial which..I hate dealing with! Hearing outside opinions has been getting me through this ordeal. Are you broken up with him?
Author Fallenmelody Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 As of right now..no I'm not.. He has pretty much said it in the nicest way possible for me to pick up the hints and I haven't been given any definate answer. I've tried holding him, communicating and just trying to patiently approach it without causing issues. I'm left wondering whether he has been having a connection with someone else the entire time..not for him but, my own closure. Its a gut feeling I initially had when he first mentioned it in the shower, it just didn't feel right.. Never dated or been in a past relationship where they ever had to meet their girl/just friend's Father... Why her Father? Obviously there is a lot of confusion here..
Zahara Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 (edited) He has no respect for you nor does he love you. When you tolerate being treated poorly, there's nowhere else to go but down. There's a saying -- you teach people how to treat you. You've taught him that you'll accept just about anything to be with him. So, he doesn't really care how you feel or what you think because you have no boundaries or standards. You require little effort to maintain. Put the woman aside. Knowing your boyfriend views you that way -- how do you go about existing in a relationship whereby you know he has no love for you. He tolerates you because you're a good fallback to have in his life while he does whatever he wants to do. Yes, something is going on with this woman. Even so, what will you do with that information? If a man demeans and degrades you that way, what would he have to do for you to find your self-respect and finally say enough? Edited May 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language~T
Author Fallenmelody Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 There is no doubt that you are right when it comes to setting aside the other woman and seeing things for how they are. I've been blinded by self love (since its one sided) a combination of stupidity, lack of confidence and depression. It wasn't back in the first year of the relationship, but since I came back to him its never been the same. I'm currently in the process of saving and moving out, thank you for taking the time to read and post btw.
kidm Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I know the yuck aspect of this and understand that its very easy to see, however I'm in a state of denial which..I hate dealing with! Hearing outside opinions has been getting me through it. UTTER DISRESPECT. And you are still with this man? I hope not. Frankly, I don't even know why he hasn't left you yet. Are you supporting him or do you pay a larger share of expenses for the household you two share? do you two have kids together? Do you have a better job than his current love interest? I am trying to understand his motivation for him staying because it's definitely not love. Or is the other way around? You rely on him for financial support so he knows he can treat you any way he wants and you won't leave? You need to get out of this "relationship" yesterday if you haven't. Show him you respect yourself and will not stand for such deplorable treatment.
Author Fallenmelody Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 (edited) He also swears nothing is going on and that there is no involvement with her.. We don't have kids, he is helping me however I pay him for rent every month and contribute what when even possible. (Cooking at night, dishes, cleaning, ect) I have not left because I am escaping abuse from home and need to save for an apartment. I have no where to stay or go.. Thank you and I will be keeping all posts very close into mind, promise.. Edited May 5, 2016 by Fallenmelody
Zahara Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 There is no doubt that you are right when it comes to setting aside the other woman and seeing things for how they are. I've been blinded by self love (since its one sided) a combination of stupidity, lack of confidence and depression. It wasn't back in the first year of the relationship, but since I came back to him its never been the same. I'm currently in the process of saving and moving out, thank you for taking the time to read and post btw. If you have the ability to move in with a friend or family, do it. This is costing you your self-esteem and your self-respect. Protect your heart and your mind and find an exit plan. Regardless of this woman, this relationship is dead. He's lost interest and is detaching from you. Don't cling, don't ask, don't beg, don't anything. Just focus on removing yourself from this. I have a feeling that this guy will likely chase you when you leave -- but it will be for all the wrong reasons. Stay strong. Keep posting if you need to seek advice and strength. 1
Zahara Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 HI pay him for rent every month and contribute what when even possible. Why can't you find a place where you can rent on your own then if you're paying him rent?
pteromom Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 (edited) He also swears nothing is going on and that there is no involvement with her.. We don't have kids, he is helping me however I pay him for rent every month and contribute what when even possible. (Cooking at night, dishes, cleaning, ect) I have not left because I am escaping abuse from home and need to save for an apartment. I have no where to stay or go.. Don't you have a friend who would let you stay in exchange for housekeeping or childcare? Or put an ad on Craigslist "looking for room to rent in exchange for housekeeping". You can get out if you want out. It sounds like there might be something going on between them - otherwise why wouldn't she want to be your friend? Unless he is calling you names when talking to her too...that would make sense. If he has told her (and his work buddies) that he is miserable and you are horrible, it follows that he wouldn't want them around you or vice versa. But that comment, and him not standing up for you? That says it all. You can do much much better than this!! Edited May 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T
Author Fallenmelody Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 (edited) Because I am on a system payment for getting on my feet, this not income that is made through work. I've been working in the meantime through a business from home doing various online art work/sales commissions..but the system/gov is giving me a very difficult time about under reporting due to not being actually employed. (self employed and they only accept pay stubs, which I've provided everything to fix) I'm in the middle of busting my ass working fast to get out of this situation within 3 months and seriously thank you guys for even replying! Edited May 5, 2016 by Fallenmelody
Author Fallenmelody Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 Could someone at least explain why she wanted her to meet with her Father at the dinner? I just want at least that I'm not the only one thinking its odd..
PursuitofPeace Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Sounds like he is cheating -- trust your gut and all the signs on that one. Who knows why the dinner with the father thing came up, she's probably delusional about the relationship that they share. And echoing what everyone has said on this thread, cheating is often a symptom of other issues in the relationship. Looking at the relationship alone, there's enough there for you to need to get out... best of luck with your efforts to stand on your own two feet without this man.
Zahara Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Could someone at least explain why she wanted her to meet with her Father at the dinner? I just want at least that I'm not the only one thinking its odd.. Who knows, Fallen? You can't get into someone's mind and get answers. You could speculate though -- neither answer would be in your favor because it seems that he fake invited you with the intent of never wanting you to be there. Something is going on between them.
pteromom Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Who knows why the dinner with the father thing came up, she's probably delusional about the relationship that they share. ... she could be delusional because he is lying to her, and telling her he loves her and is trying to find a way to get rid of his gf. Delusion usually comes from somewhere.
Author Fallenmelody Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 He is also coming home late from work..its hard going through this cause it hurts really bad..
Zahara Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 He is also coming home late from work..its hard going through this cause it hurts really bad.. I'm sorry Fallen. It must be really hard to be living under the same roof with someone that is causing you pain. Can you go to friend's house to stay for a bit? Spend the weekend there at least to get some reprieve and even someone to talk to and share you pain with?
Author Fallenmelody Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 The crap part is that my only friend lives in Kentucky and works a lot in addition to school, the only place to go back to would be abuse. Right now I'm focusing on constantly staying busy, packing things up and planning to move. Just when I think I'm okay I get this burning feeling in my gut that he is with her. (reason for not being home) but it doesn't matter anymore like stated by most.
pteromom Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 What about your friend in Kentucky? Would your friend be open to letting you stay there in exchange for housework and rent (once you get a job there.) You don't have to go back to abuse. Be creative and find a way out.
Stercrazy Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 You are better then this. You deserve better then this. Don't put up with this emotional abuse any longer.
deep_night Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 oh man, this sounds terrible he's awful and a major COWARD its definitely hurtful to keep staying there. since u have some income to contribute to the rent, maybe you could look for a flat with roommates?? if there arent shared flat available, is there any cheap housing? i think i'd look for basement homes or flats since they're cheaper. all in all my opinion is: it's better to go live in a dump and feeling free and light, than live with such a person who makes you feel terrible :/ 1
Author Fallenmelody Posted May 10, 2016 Author Posted May 10, 2016 (edited) After having a talk with him he swore up and down that nothing was going on and that this girl doesn't even talk to him and claims she thinks "I'm crazy.." in his opinion. Either way the relationship ended (On good terms at my request..) I've noticed ever since the breakup he hasn't seem all that broken about it, in fact he has been coming home later from work. (It ended 2 years ago I guess..) I'll never fully understand the whole situation, but I'm looking to move on.. Edited May 10, 2016 by Fallenmelody
MIK3 WB Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 When I mentioned 2 years ago about being uncomfortable about her, calmly he started getting really upset and super defensive over her saying things loudly like.. "How do you know?! She is a very sweet person who hasn't done or given you any reason to judge her, why does it matter!? She hasn't done anything wrong!" I sat crying myself to sleep that night and now its really over...also was in heels and lingerie baking him a cake on his Birthday. (This was prior to the sky dive) See this is the problem I have. If someone loves you, they take into consideration your feelings, not get angry and defensive when bringing them up. My ex was going over to this guy's house, seeing movies with him, having one on one dinners and he was flirting with her. I told her I was uncomfortable with it, but she continued anyway. She was one of those girls who believe that guys are just "friendly" and don't have ulterior motives and that she didn't like him like that. Two weeks after our break up I catch them holding hands together on the street. Point being, they get defensive (or ignore your feelings) for a reason. They don't love you anymore.
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