radman44 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Both me and my girlfriend are divorced and we have been together for 8 years. We have had one major issue the entire time that never gets solved. It's her relationship with her ex-husband. Let me give you some background and explain why I am hypersensitive to this issue. When we first met she was living with him and told me it was to save money. He would call her several times a day just to talk about nothing. She would get mad when I asked her to put a stop to this. There have been times in the past when we were being intimate that she stopped to take his call. They have 2 kids together so I get that they need to be friends and talk for the sake of their kids. I have no problem wit that whatsoever. My problem lies with socializing that has nothing to do with the kids. She talks to her ex-husband about problems that have nothing to do with the kids. Things she should be talking to me about. She goes kayaking with him all the time. She has made it very clear to me that she will not change her socializing with him for any man, including me. No compromise. If I have to work on a Sunday she has no issue going to the river with him. He is re-married and his new wife is always there but it still bothers me. If she likes to socialize with him so much why did she divorce him?? Is this weird and inappropriate or am I being overly sensitive about this?
blackcat777 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Weird and inappropriate and there is definitely still an emotional connection that should be reserved for solely you. There have been times in the past when we were being intimate that she stopped to take his call. ^This would send me through the roof. Maybe some others here have more experience with how to solve the issue... but she is crossing some emotional boundaries for sure. Does his wife go kayaking? Does his wife know about the kayaking? 1
CarrieT Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 OP, the real question is why you have put up with this behavior for EIGHT YEARS!?!? Seriously - kayaking together? She does it because you have allowed it to continue and perhaps it is time to end the relationship and find someone who is more devoted to you instead of having two boyfriends.... 1
Pat944 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 First I want to affirm that it's understandable to feel bad about her continuous interaction with her ex-husband. You ask an excellent question if she enjoys all this contact why did she divorce him? It appears there may have been an official divorce eight years ago but she is still emotionally attached. Has this always sort of been the case over years and been OK or has it increased recently? If I put myself in your place I would feel the same way. She seems very emphatic and unwilling to change. What do you think you will decide if this continues this way? What do you see long term for this relationship?
Poutrew Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 You are in the middle of having sex, and she stops to take his call, and you allowed it. She laid the law down to you, telling you that she will continue to see her ex, no exceptions, and you allowed it. Your relationship with her has no future, and that was 8 years ago. Wake up, and get out of this nightmare before those 8 years becomes 18 years... 1
Author radman44 Posted May 6, 2016 Author Posted May 6, 2016 I feel like an idiot after reading all of the posts. I had a discussion with her last night and she does not get it so I ended the relationship. 1
Cherryz Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 The good thing was that you knew she was still living with her ex when you met her. You should have drop her as a hot potato at that moment when you found that out. But you kept it for 8 years...........for what? Hoping she will change? She even told you she wont stop socializing this way with her ex. Its looks like she respect him more then you and still attached to him emotionally. She never was ready to move on from day one. Or took time single to get over him. Living with ex husband to safe money? BULLSH*T. If its over its over the best thing you look for is to move on. Not to stay hang around. I think the best thing is to break up with her. And dont waste any call or text on her after that. There should be respect. She not want to draw a line for her ex also to know its over and he can call only for the kids. They can still be friends. But the way you saying it it seem like emotionally attached to each other. You can do 100 things ,but if the person itself tell you she wont stop,there is nothing that you can do. And you are wasting your time. you again have all the answers clear and loud. Its you that need to choose to waste more time on her or move on. You may be forcing things here while the person that is really for you is passing by.
whichwayisup Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 I feel like an idiot after reading all of the posts. I had a discussion with her last night and she does not get it so I ended the relationship. Good for you. She wasn't willing to put you first and put a bit of distance between her and the ex. It's one thing to keep in touch and be on good terms for their kids sake, it's another to ditch you during sex and answer the phone while having sex.
MissBee Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 (edited) Both me and my girlfriend are divorced and we have been together for 8 years. We have had one major issue the entire time that never gets solved. It's her relationship with her ex-husband. Let me give you some background and explain why I am hypersensitive to this issue. When we first met she was living with him and told me it was to save money. He would call her several times a day just to talk about nothing. She would get mad when I asked her to put a stop to this. There have been times in the past when we were being intimate that she stopped to take his call. They have 2 kids together so I get that they need to be friends and talk for the sake of their kids. I have no problem wit that whatsoever. My problem lies with socializing that has nothing to do with the kids. She talks to her ex-husband about problems that have nothing to do with the kids. Things she should be talking to me about. She goes kayaking with him all the time. She has made it very clear to me that she will not change her socializing with him for any man, including me. No compromise. If I have to work on a Sunday she has no issue going to the river with him. He is re-married and his new wife is always there but it still bothers me. If she likes to socialize with him so much why did she divorce him?? Is this weird and inappropriate or am I being overly sensitive about this? If you've accepted this for 8 years, what's the issue now? I think if there was any hope of changing this dynamic it would have needed to occur earlier on in the relationship, but if since you've met her and all throughout these 8 years this has been the case, it will be nearly impossible to change it now. She has established this habit over 8 years and made clear to you her stance, if in all this time she hasn't budged why would she act differently now? You also had a choice. You could have declined being together if you felt it was too much but you've stayed. There isn't a rule here. I have an aunt whose ex-husband and current husband are friends and when the ex lost his job he came to live with them and it works out for all involved. So some people are perfectly secure with these things and it doesn't mean cheating is involved. That said though, if you're uncomfortable it's understandable, so nothing is wrong with your feelings, but at this point, like I sad, you have agreed to this for almost a decade, so at this point you can decide it's too much and leave or stay and just accept that this is how it is and try to think of him as a normal friend....but your gf will not stop so any hopes of that are futile. Me personally, I wouldn't be with a man living with his ex (I dated a guy like this once briefly and that didn't turn out well) and I sure as heck wouldn't continue seeing a man who says he will never change his overly close relationship with his ex-wife and where he is calling her multiple times, telling her things he should tell me, kayaking with her and such....sorry....but there is still a connection there and she hasn't hid this info from you, you knew and continued to know and have agreed to be in this kind of scenario, so you also have the power to walk away now or accept it but what cannot happen is that you will get her to change her ways. Edited May 6, 2016 by MissBee
big dog Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 Man ! You need to get the hell outta that relationship quick ! It's completely dead end.
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