guest572 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I love him and it is not mutual. How long do you wait for them to fall in love and share those feelings? We have been in a pretty close relationship for 5 months and he said a couple of months into it that he was falling in love with me (and I said it back). He hasn't really mentioned any of that since and we have had ups and downs. I don't know whether to wait or bail. I haven't told him I love him but I think we both know that I do and that he doesn't as he basically said as much, that he isn't quite there yet. I've had 2 brief relationships before where it ended because they didn't love me. One of those lasted 9 months and that hurt. I don't want the same thing to happen again, but don't want to write it off in case it evolves. Thoughts? 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Oh my goodness, you really are trapped in the 'lather-rinse'repeat' cycle, aren't you...?! Bail. Why settle? I'm sorry, but in every relationship I have been in, there was that sense of something big happening, on both sides. That excitement, the frisson of endless possibilities... the plunge into a daring, carefree, reckless roller-coaster ride.... Don't 'wait'. If he's not sure now, you're going to hang around, 'just in case'...? Me? "Feller, if you can't see the worth of me now, and how precious and special I am from the get-go, you think I'm going to waste my time waiting for you to wake up to it? If you have to think about it, you're not for me!" Nobody looks at the gift of a pile of gold and has to think twice about whether to accept it or not, do they? 8
elaine567 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 It is not so much about whether he says he loves you or not. Anyone can say they love you and not really mean it. It is more about his actions towards you. Does he act as if he loves you, even if he doesn't say it? Or have the "ups and down" made him shut down? Where does he thinks this relationship is headed? Does he consider you gf/bf or is it more casual or even just fwb. Is he even looking for a long term relationship? You need to get him to clarify where you stand. He doesn't need to buy a ring or get down on his hands and knees, but if he doesn't even consider you long term material or doesn't want a "relationship" with you, then you are in trouble. 3
blackcat777 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 "Feller, if you can't see the worth of me now, and how precious and special I am from the get-go, you think I'm going to waste my time waiting for you to wake up to it? If you have to think about it, you're not for me!" Nobody looks at the gift of a pile of gold and has to think twice about whether to accept it or not, do they? This this this this this!!! Why do you spend months with guys who are lukewarm about you? You need to take control of these situations! I think this is an instance where (while it's not the PERFECT analogy) thinking about dating as job interviewing is extremely useful. As in, you are the CEO of your love life. If a prospective candidate does a poor job, puts in shoddy effort, has bad attendance... why on earth would you hire him?!?! It sucks sometimes when you're into someone who doesn't like you as much, but don't let that be the seed you choose to plant and water. KNOW what you're worth! Have a good relationship with yourself first - stay healthy, do what you love, fill you life with richness. This will help alleviate a need to have a "relationship" that's not satisfying. If you're satisfied with yourself completely, you don't need something external, which puts you in an empowering position of NOT holding on to something that hurts you. This is also another example of why they say to never chase a man (especially in the beginning). If a guy does 0% of the planning and initiating... he's not that into it. Next him and find someone who is into you, especially before you're six months, a year, or more in, feeling awful because you're attached and aching over sunk costs. You DESERVE someone who is as excited for you as you are for him! 2
CarrieT Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I waited 2 1/2 years for a guy to say the "L" word. I even moved in with him and it became somewhat of a joke that I was impatient and he would say things like, "Big, ugly, nasty "P" word"; i.e., PATIENCE. He even bought me patience flowers once as a symbol for my impatience to have him realize he loved me. We were a great couple, other than that. And it wasn't until the day I left him and moved away that he said, "You know I always loved you...." Whatever.... :mad: 3
kztar Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Move on. Let this go before it only gets worse as time passes.
kendahke Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Why do you stick around, lowering your worth trying to get these men to choose you? You've given 5 months to this man who won't choose you. You've given 9 months to another man who wouldn't choose you. It's not going to evolve. It has stagnated. They're treating you the way you're teaching them to treat you... you're basically saying "I'll take your crumbs because I don't believe in having better for myself so I'll settle for what little you'll give". No, sweetheart. A man who won't choose you is a man you leave. Google "You Have To Choose Her Everyday (Or Leave Her)"
fitnessfan365 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Of course the usual advice is to move on. But why does there always have to be a deadline/ultimatum with love? There shouldn't be a time table attached to it, and it should be genuine happening naturally. It isn't something you can force someone into. My GF and I said ILY the first time six months in. But later she admitted that she'd felt that way early on. But to her credit, she NEVER once pressured me, or dropped hints trying to figure out where we stood. All she did was focus on being happy with me day to day. Since she let me get there on my own schedule, I was actually the one to initiate it when we said it the first time. So I give her a lot of credit for actually having patience with it, and not having the typical deadline/jump ship mentality that so many people seem to have these days. 4
Author guest572 Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 Of course the usual advice is to move on. But why does there always have to be a deadline/ultimatum with love? There shouldn't be a time table attached to it, and it should be genuine happening naturally. It isn't something you can force someone into. My GF and I said ILY the first time six months in. But later she admitted that she'd felt that way early on. But to her credit, she NEVER once pressured me, or dropped hints trying to figure out where we stood. All she did was focus on being happy with me day to day. Since she let me get there on my own schedule, I was actually the one to initiate it when we said it the first time. So I give her a lot of credit for actually having patience with it, and not having the typical deadline/jump ship mentality that so many people seem to have these days. I'm surprised by the strong reactions here. We have been committed and exclusive from basically the first date (officially talked about it 1 month in). We are both hoping for long term and see a future together. It's easier said than done to write it off perhaps prematurely. Having said that, I've fallen first and although he told me he was falling in love, I'm not sure now. Also don't want to pressure things, its either wait and see or end things.
smackie9 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I wouldn't have waited that long myself....dump the chump and move on....he's not that into you. 2
d0nnivain Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 It's only been 5 months. Him saying he thinks he is falling in love with you is a good sign. Did you say "I think I'm falling in love with you too?" You said you didn't say ILY even though you think you are feeling it. Understand he might have couched his revelation in those terms so he could protect his own heart in case you weren't feeling it. He might very well be holding back because he is unsure how you feel & he doesn't want to scare you. Just because he's the man doesn't mean he's all that brave too. Men fear being rejected too. Before you dump him, try telling him how you feel. Breaking up with him because you think you know what he's feeling is a bad plan. At less then 1/2 year into this you can't possibly know what is going through his head. So stop acting like you do & making decisions based on inaccurate information. Risk being the 1st to say it if that is what you are feeling. If he says it back, great fantastic. Go forward from there. If he hesitates, talk to him. If you don't like what he has to stay, then and only then when you have true facts, do you make a decision to leave. Jumping the gun based solely on what you think you know only hurts you. 1
basil67 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I think it's likely that the 'ups and downs' are preventing the love. It's silly to fall in love with someone when the relationship is very hiccupy. Fix the ups and downs and then see if they love comes. 1
stillafool Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I love him and it is not mutual. How long do you wait for them to fall in love and share those feelings? We have been in a pretty close relationship for 5 months and he said a couple of months into it that he was falling in love with me (and I said it back). He hasn't really mentioned any of that since and we have had ups and downs. I don't know whether to wait or bail. I haven't told him I love him but I think we both know that I do and that he doesn't as he basically said as much, that he isn't quite there yet. I don't understand these two statements. Has he said he is no longer in love with you?
Author guest572 Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 Yes i said i am too. He never said he was in love with me but just said he is not quite there and playing catch up
Author guest572 Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 It's only been 5 months. Him saying he thinks he is falling in love with you is a good sign. Did you say "I think I'm falling in love with you too?" You said you didn't say ILY even though you think you are feeling it. Understand he might have couched his revelation in those terms so he could protect his own heart in case you weren't feeling it. Jumping the gun based solely on what you think you know only hurts you. He said "I'm falling in love with you" and i said it back straight away. I know he does not love me yet. Whether he will or not remains to be seen and i just dont know whether this is a good idea to wait
Author guest572 Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 Just seems odd to declare you are falling in love with someone and then about 4 months go by and youre not in love yet. The ups and downs are his super close female bestie coming along and causing many arguments between us almost led to us breaking up. I wont go into that but its also a huge red flag for me that he wont draw boundaries or stand up for me.
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 I know he does not love me yet. How do you know that? Did he say it? Did he tell somebody else & they told you? Did you read his dairy? unless he point blank said he doesn't love you yet, you don't know anything. You just think you do and you are making decisions based on what you believe which may be vastly different from what actually is. The ups and downs are his super close female bestie coming along and causing many arguments between us almost led to us breaking up. I wont go into that but its also a huge red flag for me that he wont draw boundaries or stand up for me. That is a different issue & it more than anything else you have said explains why things have been rocky. You don't trust him. The constant arguing is killing your relationship. If you are jealous of this friend & he won't draw boundaries where you want them forget love, you two are fundamentally incompatible. So no, you should not wait for him to come around. He won't. He values his friendship too much. 1
Author guest572 Posted May 6, 2016 Author Posted May 6, 2016 (edited) How do you know that? Did he say it? Did he tell somebody else & they told you? Did you read his dairy? unless he point blank said he doesn't love you yet, you don't know anything. You just think you do and you are making decisions based on what you believe which may be vastly different from what actually is. That is a different issue & it more than anything else you have said explains why things have been rocky. You don't trust him. The constant arguing is killing your relationship. If you are jealous of this friend & he won't draw boundaries where you want them forget love, you two are fundamentally incompatible. So no, you should not wait for him to come around. He won't. He values his friendship too much. I asked him a couple of months ago and he said he is not there yet and playing catch up now and not sure why he is not in love yet and thought he might have been holding back due to a past heart break. He has lied to me also which is why its hard to trust him. The relationship with the friend, my issue isnt trust it was the fact he was spending so much time with her although he ignores how she acts towards me. Edited May 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T
basil67 Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 (edited) I asked him a couple of months ago and he said he is not there yet and playing catch up now and not sure why he is not in love yet and thought he might have been holding back due to a past heart break. He has lied to me also which is why its hard to trust him. The relationship with the friend, my issue isnt trust it was the fact he was spending so much time with her although he ignores how she acts towards me. I'm not saying you should accept this (I certainly wouldn't accept a bitchy friend) but if you're giving him a hard time about it, it would very much impact how he feels about you. Look at the relationship for what it is. If you can accept it, then stay and don't get upset about what's going on. If you can't accept it, then leave. But don't stay in a relationship which doesn't suit you and then complain to him about not being happy...all the while wondering why he doesn't love you. Edited May 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
mortensorchid Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 I hate to say this but facts are facts. Surely he has said other things as well that have made you question things, hasn't he? He'll bail if you don't. He's just too chicken to do it himself.
katiegrl Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 (edited) Of course the usual advice is to move on. But why does there always have to be a deadline/ultimatum with love? There shouldn't be a time table attached to it, and it should be genuine happening naturally. It isn't something you can force someone into. My GF and I said ILY the first time six months in. But later she admitted that she'd felt that way early on. But to her credit, she NEVER once pressured me, or dropped hints trying to figure out where we stood. All she did was focus on being happy with me day to day. Since she let me get there on my own schedule, I was actually the one to initiate it when we said it the first time. So I give her a lot of credit for actually having patience with it, and not having the typical deadline/jump ship mentality that so many people seem to have these days. This^^ plus he *did* tell her a couple of months ago he was falling in love with her. I highly doubt he would have said that if he were stringing her along.. OP, how does he treat you? What do his actions tell you? It sounds to me like he's moving towards you, bonding with you, falling in love with you. He said so! Chill out and let things develop gradually and naturally, it's all good. And listen to fitnessfan, he's man, he knows how it goes down for many men. It took my brother 1.5 years to tell his now-wife he loved her, but he told me he felt it way before that! His now-wife knew it too! Even though he struggled saying the words. Those three little words have a big meaning and for some people they are difficult to say when truly heartfelt. I can identify with that too! It's when a guy says it too soon when I worry! Edited May 6, 2016 by katiegrl
Jejangles Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 Those three little words have a big meaning and for some people they are difficult to say when truly heartfelt. I can identify with that too! It's when a guy says it too soon when I worry! Yeah, I totally identify with this... My boyfriend of around 4 months has been saying he loves me for a couple of months and I'm just not quite ready to say it yet... I can feel myself building up to it but for me, I love you is a big statement that carries a lot of weight. I can only say it when I am ready to say it, but I hope I show my boyfriend in other ways how into him I am. We do also talk about the future a lot, and our plans, so he knows I'm "in" the relationship. I'd be devastated if he broke up with me just because I hadn't said it yet, or because I'm a little behind his quick (to me) feelings. Having said that, I do read some mistrust and issues in this post. So if there's other things going on, the concern about the lack of I love you may be warranted. But if everything is just great, just those three words are missing, then I say give him more time.
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 He has lied to me also which is why its hard to trust him. Why on earth are you still dating a man who has previously lied to you, whom you do not trust? It hasn't progressed to love because when the friend came back & you two didn't get along, he reassessed his relationship with you based on her opinion, which he values more then yours or he would have stuck up for you when she was bitchy to you. 2
katiegrl Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 Why on earth are you still dating a man who has previously lied to you, whom you do not trust? It hasn't progressed to love because when the friend came back & you two didn't get along, he reassessed his relationship with you based on her opinion, which he values more then yours or he would have stuck up for you when she was bitchy to you. Lying = dealbreaker! The end, next. No exceptions! 1
Gaeta Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 Good 5 months relationships don't have 'ups and downs'. Good 5 months relationships don't deal with lies and lack of trust as result. I agree with the poster that said to solve your relationship problems first then worry about the ILY.
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