stardust87 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Hello everyone, I would like to ask for your advice/perspective on this. Recently, my boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot, maybe once every three days. It's always about little things, but it gets blown out of proportion. We had a fight about another minor thing but it escalated that he cancelled our plans for that night, a few hours from said plans. I felt so hurt that I told him I wanted a break up (during that time, I thought I've had enough of him cancelling plans last minute, or dropping off the radar for a few days, because he's upset at me -- he's done this in numerous occasions). He said that this is not a reason to break up, that he loves me but he's so fed up of having random fights about every little thing. We didn't talk anymore after that. No calls or texts or anything. I prepared myself to lose him (a bottle of whiskey tided me over). But today, I realized no matter how injured I felt, I missed him and I wanted to apologize. I called him but he cancelled the call. I texted him, I said I'm sorry and I miss him. He said he missed me too. I asked if we can meet up and he said he's busy today, maybe tomorrow. Then I said if we can meet up tomorrow morning. He hasn't responded anymore. What should I do? Should I just back off and just accept that things are not going to work out anymore? Thank you in advance for reading this.
Arieswoman Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Stardust87, I'm sure people here would like to advise you but we need more information to be able to do that. Can you say how old you both are, how long have you been dating and are you "exclusive"? 1
basil67 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Fighting every few days would make a relationship very hard to bear - I can totally understand him pulling away. Where to go from here depends on whether the fights are signs of major incompatibility or that both of you need to learn to not sweat the small stuff. Tell us more about the fights: What kind of things are you fighting over? Why are the two of you fighting so frequently? Are they new issues each time or the same ones recurring? Does either of you ever say hateful things to the other during the fights? Give us examples of the last few fights and what got said. 1
basil67 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Wait - are these fights about the hours he keeps because of working in the music industry? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/575784-boyfriend-stays-out-late-till-morning-almost-every-night He's not going to change and you can't deal with him as he is. Time to walk away and find a new guy who's job suits your relationship needs. 1
Author stardust87 Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 Wait - are these fights about the hours he keeps because of working in the music industry? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/575784-boyfriend-stays-out-late-till-morning-almost-every-night He's not going to change and you can't deal with him as he is. Time to walk away and find a new guy who's job suits your relationship needs. Hi basil67 and Arieswoman! Lol, i'm a little embarrassed that I seem to be having so many relationship problems. But, it's nice to see you guys responding to my question again. Well -- the thing is, the drinking binges have subsided. I feel like this one is on me... because I'm the one who always seem to nitpick things that turn into fights... So, I am 29 and he's 32. We've been dating for more than 2 years at this point, and we are dating exclusively. I am definitely not without fault in the fights -- after all, I instigate them. Perhaps, I have been a little too needy, needing too much of his time and looking for validation. I've also been battling depression (I've been seeing a therapist) and while he's been supportive most of the time, there are times when my reaction and needs seem so incomprehensible and frustrating for him that it leads to such big fights. To me, my needs are valid, but to him, sometimes it's all too much. So sometimes, I just want to break up because I feel so bad for myself and for him. But most days, we are good and we are happy and are very much in love. But it hasn't been like that for the past few weeks. I don't know how to interpret his distance and his silence. Please help? Thank you.
avocado_12 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Maybe he's just taking some time out to reflect? The thing is it could go either way. If I was you I would give him a bit of space and let him reach out to you when he's ready (as hard as that is for you). You've already initiated the contact so just have faith that he will come back to you, and if he doesn't you will deal with that if and when it happens. Chin up!
Author stardust87 Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 Maybe he's just taking some time out to reflect? The thing is it could go either way. If I was you I would give him a bit of space and let him reach out to you when he's ready (as hard as that is for you). You've already initiated the contact so just have faith that he will come back to you, and if he doesn't you will deal with that if and when it happens. Chin up! Hey avocado_12, thank you. Well I guess that is the best course of action for me. But it's so hard! I'm itching to follow up my text with a call. But yeah, I would probably just push him away the more I hound him. But to you, personally, how long are you willing to give him space and endure the no contact thing?
avocado_12 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Yeah thats the thing, the more you smother him the more likely he is to feel suffocated and pull away. I wouldnt call him if I was you, give him some space let him miss you and think about the positives. I'm pretty sure if you do that he will want to rekindle the relationship. With me personally i would leave it at least a week and see how it goes from there, he might contact you within that time anyway, but just try hard to refrain from contacting him! He knows where you are, let him come to you. I had a pretty huge fight with my bf the other night and I hung up on him and basically ignored his calls. (I feel he was in the wrong) but i've not heard from him now and as hard as it is I'm gona wait it out until he gets in touch with me and is ready to apologise. You've done your bit and apologised to him so now its just a case of giving him some time 1
basil67 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 It's simple to interpret his distance - he's sick and tired of you instigating fights. He's probably reconsidering the relationship. Sorry to be so blunt, but how could it be anything else? What you have to do is look at what he gives you and decide if it's enough to keep you happy and content. If it is, then accept it and don't complain. Know that he is who he is and that you will not pick fights anymore. But if the relationship really isn't meeting your needs, then it's time to end it. As part of this decision, have a look at those needs which you think are valid and he finds incomprehensible. There is a huge disconnect and you really need to make sure that you're not being unreasonable. If he's incapable of understanding perfectly normal needs, then be confident in your decision to end things. But if your needs would be incomprehensible to most, you might have to learn how to redirect those thoughts. I also hope that you're not wanting him to give lots of support during your depression. It's a mistake many who are depressed make. A partner doesn't have the tools to give ongoing support to a depressed partner (that's what our therapist and possibly drugs are for) That said, could your dissatisfaction in the relationship be contributing to your depression? If you end the relationship, do you think those dark clouds may leave? Just a thought. 2
Author stardust87 Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 It's simple to interpret his distance - he's sick and tired of you instigating fights. He's probably reconsidering the relationship. Sorry to be so blunt, but how could it be anything else? What you have to do is look at what he gives you and decide if it's enough to keep you happy and content. If it is, then accept it and don't complain. Know that he is who he is and that you will not pick fights anymore. But if the relationship really isn't meeting your needs, then it's time to end it. As part of this decision, have a look at those needs which you think are valid and he finds incomprehensible. There is a huge disconnect and you really need to make sure that you're not being unreasonable. If he's incapable of understanding perfectly normal needs, then be confident in your decision to end things. But if your needs would be incomprehensible to most, you might have to learn how to redirect those thoughts. I also hope that you're not wanting him to give lots of support during your depression. It's a mistake many who are depressed make. A partner doesn't have the tools to give ongoing support to a depressed partner (that's what our therapist and possibly drugs are for) That said, could your dissatisfaction in the relationship be contributing to your depression? If you end the relationship, do you think those dark clouds may leave? Just a thought. I want to ask that if he's reconsidering, why did he talk me out of breaking up with him? It's confusing. It's funny how it scares me to lose him but at the height of my anger and hurt, I was prepared to do anything to result to that. I'm sorry, I'm sure I sound so very immature. I form the insecure attachment type (thanks Mom!), and it's so very hard to break free of it. You make a lot of good points here that I have not considered before. I suppose, I have to realize that relationships have prices of admission that we are all willing to pay if we want to be with someone. After all, no one is a perfect partner. I may have been expecting him to be my support during this time of depression, and I didn't realize that it was unfair. Sigh. He said earlier today that maybe we'll talk tomorrow but he hasn't responded to any of my texts about what time should we meet up. Should I just assume that he's not ready yet? I should refrain from calling him to confirm, or is that okay?
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 He said earlier today that maybe we'll talk tomorrow but he hasn't responded to any of my texts about what time should we meet up. Should I just assume that he's not ready yet? I should refrain from calling him to confirm, or is that okay? It's the old 'push and pull'. When you said you were breaking up (push) he gave you a (pull) by saying no we don't break up over that. Now that you reached out to him to talk (pull) he is giving you a (push) by delaying meeting you and sounding aloof. You need to do nothing, do not contact him. He will make a (pull), give him enough time to wonder why he's not hearing from you and he'll call. 1
Versacehottie Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I want to ask that if he's reconsidering, why did he talk me out of breaking up with him? It's confusing. It's funny how it scares me to lose him but at the height of my anger and hurt, I was prepared to do anything to result to that. I'm sorry, I'm sure I sound so very immature. I form the insecure attachment type (thanks Mom!), and it's so very hard to break free of it. You make a lot of good points here that I have not considered before. I suppose, I have to realize that relationships have prices of admission that we are all willing to pay if we want to be with someone. After all, no one is a perfect partner. I may have been expecting him to be my support during this time of depression, and I didn't realize that it was unfair. Sigh. He said earlier today that maybe we'll talk tomorrow but he hasn't responded to any of my texts about what time should we meet up. Should I just assume that he's not ready yet? I should refrain from calling him to confirm, or is that okay? Text(s)??? I thought you just sent the one you mention in your first post. Don't send ANY more. Meeting today won't change things for the better. That's your anxiety playing into it--because YOU want an answer and want it to be "let's stay together". If he doesn't follow through for today, he is not ready to discuss it yet. Pushing him will not be your friend in getting the answer you want. To answer your question of why he wouldn't just let you break up the other day, it's because he was not ready to do that either. He wanted more of an option to decide himself rather than you or him keep reacting emotionally. I think he is trying to keep that decision for himself (ie buy some time to decide for himself), doesn't think he wants to break up with you/not sure or wants to make the decision when you are both thinking more calmly. Or probably some combo of the 3 of those reasons. If when you talk he's open enough that he agrees to see how it goes, make sure that you commit to AND follow through on not taking him through your emotional rollercoaster. I'm not saying he is right when he does whatever upsets you but you need to get better coping skills in place or not having them will lose you the things you want to have. I wish you luck 1
elaine567 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 If you look at it from his point of view, he has a gf who causes fights over nothing, who is depressed and and who has now broken up with him. Does that sound like a woman who loves him? You are lucky he is still talking and coming back to you, one day he won't. If he is not want you want him to be, then walk away, stop making his life miserable, if he is what you want, then you will have to change how you interact with him if you want him to stay. Basil67 makes a valid point. "If you end the relationship, do you think those dark clouds may leave? Just a thought." 1
Cinnamonstix Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I understand you're anxious and wanting to make things okay with your bf. He might be off re-evaluating your relationship or just taking a breather. I think now is the time for you to do the same. Are you sure you're actually happy in this relationship? Picking fights often comes from a place of resentment for not having your needs met. Does the relationship feel equal or does it feel like it's more on his terms? Like Basil, I'm also wondering if your relationship is contributing to your depression. I get the sense if it were, it would be hard for you to admit to yourself. 2
Author stardust87 Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 Thank you Gaeta and Versacehottie. I was just justifying myself why making a call wouldn't harm (after all, he did say we can meet up tomorrow, right?) but it's not good right now. I sent a couple of texts earlier (three hours apart) as a follow up against my better judgment. I don't mean to sound so sorry for myself. The truth is, I'm just racked with my anxiety. A huge part of me wants to make everything right, wake up tomorrow to the comfort of knowing that we still have each other. But, mistakes have been made and it pains me to realize that the possibility of losing him is very very real this time. It isn't like everything is gloomy with us. We spent last weekend together, watched Captain America, had a great time with his family, drank an inordinate amount of wine. He told me I make him happy and that he is in love with him. I always tell him (when we're not fighting that is) that I feel lucky to have him, that he is the most wonderful person in the world. But when bad things happen, all of those things seem to be rendered impotent. It is no surprise, there are many people who are deeply in love that end up separating ways anyway. I'm sure if chose to walk away that would break my heart in a million pieces. But life goes on, and I want to believe that my spirit is resilient enough to take that. But maybe that's another thread... I hope it isn't though. Geez, I'm a sopping mess here at my workstation now. Hah.
Author stardust87 Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 Hi elaine567, I'm not going to lie, I felt an icy chill down my spine when I read your reply. I think it's because I recognize it as a truth that I haven't realized. And who knows, maybe this time, he will not come back anymore... I feel like suddenly there is this huge painful lump lodged in my throat that I can clear. About Basil's point -- I honestly don't know. I'm afraid that the clouds have always been there, and ending things up with him might make them larger even. Cinnamonstix, Some of the fights are about having some needs unmet. They are from a place of resentment combined with sudden short-sightedness. Some are really silly that has gotten really personal somehow (like when we had a heated argument who to vote for President ). To be honest, I don't know how to be calm and re-evaluate the relationship objectively. I'm just a ball of nerves right now, fearful of the very grim fact that I might be losing the person I love the most very soon.
NoMoreJerks Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I have a similar situation.. I have never understood the concept of taking space to reflect.For me, it is more about discussing with the person I love, to resolve matters. This is why it frustrates me to no end when some men do this. It feels like he is trying to punish, for your behavior, and it is immature and passive aggressive, IMO. But you know what? I'd say, call his bluff and give him his space. Maybe it's not a bluff at all, but what else can you do? It is a game at this point, and unfortunately, it does not bode well for the relationship, even if he decides to come back and work things out. I am in the same boat, and am starting to reconsider it myself. It's not just your BF who has the right to reconsider. I'd say, let HIM worry about YOU starting to reconsider.Because let's face it, fights aside, he was with you for a reason (or reasons). So if he's willing to lose it all, just over some fights over minor things, which you can talk about and resolve, to prevent them in the future (including addressing why you directly go into fighting mode rather than calmly letting him know your needs), then so be it.... you would deserve better than a man who doesn't love you, warts and all. At the end of the day, if the reason you go into fighting mode is because you don't think that he addresses your needs/concerns when you tell him in a calm manner, then it either means he is not compatible with you, or he is not willing to put in the effort to salvage the relationship (i.e. he doesn't care that much). 1
Cinnamonstix Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Hi elaine567, I'm not going to lie, I felt an icy chill down my spine when I read your reply. I think it's because I recognize it as a truth that I haven't realized. And who knows, maybe this time, he will not come back anymore... I feel like suddenly there is this huge painful lump lodged in my throat that I can clear. About Basil's point -- I honestly don't know. I'm afraid that the clouds have always been there, and ending things up with him might make them larger even. Cinnamonstix, Some of the fights are about having some needs unmet. They are from a place of resentment combined with sudden short-sightedness. Some are really silly that has gotten really personal somehow (like when we had a heated argument who to vote for President ). To be honest, I don't know how to be calm and re-evaluate the relationship objectively. I'm just a ball of nerves right now, fearful of the very grim fact that I might be losing the person I love the most very soon. I'm going to go off on a tangent here. Give you something to think about. You mentioned your attachment style as being anxious. When you're anxiously attached, it can be very difficult focus on your own needs as you're always so fixated on keeping your partner. Your partner will also contribute greatly to your feelings of self worth, which is why I suspect your relationship is contributing to your depression. The good news is, studies show that you're not doomed to always have anxious attachments, just because that's how you were attached to your mom and every partner since. Your attachment style can change depending on your relationship. You're most likely attracted to avoidant style guys in which the very unhealthy push-pull dynamic occurs and the anxious pattern is strengthened, so you may have convinced yourself that being anxious is just the way you are. It is entirely possible for you to have a secure attachment to a partner. This will likely come from working on yourself and attaching yourself to a secure partner. To be attracted to a secure partner and attract a secure partner, you need to be in a healthier place yourself. As someone who has experienced both kinds of attachment, I can say that is so worth it. It's a whole other kind of love. It's healthy and just feels good, though you might miss the intensity of the roller coaster sometimes.
Author stardust87 Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 (edited) I'm going to go off on a tangent here. Give you something to think about. You mentioned your attachment style as being anxious. When you're anxiously attached, it can be very difficult focus on your own needs as you're always so fixated on keeping your partner. Your partner will also contribute greatly to your feelings of self worth, which is why I suspect your relationship is contributing to your depression. The good news is, studies show that you're not doomed to always have anxious attachments, just because that's how you were attached to your mom and every partner since. Your attachment style can change depending on your relationship. You're most likely attracted to avoidant style guys in which the very unhealthy push-pull dynamic occurs and the anxious pattern is strengthened, so you may have convinced yourself that being anxious is just the way you are. It is entirely possible for you to have a secure attachment to a partner. This will likely come from working on yourself and attaching yourself to a secure partner. To be attracted to a secure partner and attract a secure partner, you need to be in a healthier place yourself. As someone who has experienced both kinds of attachment, I can say that is so worth it. It's a whole other kind of love. It's healthy and just feels good, though you might miss the intensity of the roller coaster sometimes. Welp, I don't know where my reply went. Anyway, I'll try to repeat it... Your description is very spot-on. When I've learned of my attachment style, I developed an awareness of my being clingy, needy and when I almost always seek validation from my partner. Awareness helps me stop it when I can sometimes... but it's so hard to watch over myself all the time. It's a very tough thing to break free of, especially if it's been deeply rooted in you. My boyfriend exhibits avoidant attachment style (this is why his go to response is to pull away) but over the last two years we have been trying to be more secure. Why is it that the anxious and the avoidant tend to end up together? I hope that is something we can both transition to, that we can work towards it together. I too, want a love that is easy and giving, that it won't be like pulling a tooth sometimes. Anyway, I should give my reeling head a rest. Thank you and to everyone who has kindly responded to me. I feel like these conversations helped me get more grounded and realistic. And also, some of you offered perspectives that I have no inkling of. I'm very grateful. I'll let you guys know what happens when he finally decides to reach out to me. Goodnight (or good day, wherever in the world you may be). Edited May 5, 2016 by stardust87
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