Living with [pa]rents

[soulseek]

I'm not saying you do make careless decisions. I am saying that your BF thinks you do. He thinks your priority should be getting your own apartment & he's being a jerk because you have different priorities.

 

Oh yes, I see what you're saying now. Perhaps my situation is hard to understand or at least relate to.. From what I'm gathering, my choice to stay at home and pursue a career is not the choice many others would make for themselves in this age and day.

[Cinnamonstix]

OP, I personally can't fault you for living at home while going back to school. You are fortunate enough to have had that offer extended to you by your family, and in this day and age, with the cost of living being quite high, it is absolutely acceptable that you took them up on it. Your bf's jealousy is his problem. Partners are supposed to support each other and be happy for each others achievements.

 

At only two weeks out, give yourself some time to find a job and get on your feet. I can understand your bf's annoyance that you want to stay home even longer and save for a new car. It kind of prevents you two from progressing as two independent individuals in a timely manner. Maybe you can consider coming to some sort of compromise, such as buying a cheaper car. If you can't, you two may just really not be on the same page in how you view finances and what you want right now in your life (independence now vs. delayed independence). Your decision on this will absolutely affect your relationship, as it affects who you are as an individual, how you spend your time together (with your family around or always at his place).

 

Try to have a calm and respectful conversation about this and see how it goes.

[Satu]

I am getting a tad defensive because the responses coming in are not taking into consideration my education and predicament. I'd like to hear opinions on how else I were to pay for two degrees and all of my expenses at the age of 25. I've heard living at home is being a dependent, and that bank loads are a no no. Basically what I'm hearing is, you're 25 you should be out. Yall make it seem so easy.

 

I left home at 17, paid my own way through university, established myself in a respected profession, and have never had any kind of debt whatsoever.

 

I never took one penny from my parents after I left home, and never slept there one more night.

 

Your parents are nicer than mine

 

I also had a very difficult and demanding Saturday job when I was at school, and worked most of my summer holidays.

 

No regrets. It was a hard road, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

 

That's my boasting ration used up, but I'm proud of what I've achieved by my own efforts.

 

 

Take care.

[RecentChange]

Just curious, have you EVER lived on your own?

 

Have you ever done all of your own grocery shopping, cooked all your own meals, budgeted for food, gas, utilities, health insurance etc?

 

Being "out there" is a lot different than living at home in many ways. Managing your own household is very different than budgeting for tuition fees.

 

I have 10 years on you. I know its not "easy" to make it out there. And buying a NEW car first thing first, isn't going to make it any easier.

 

Do you know what the estimated salary is for the jobs you hope to land? Estimated what the take home will be after taxes and insurance? Then budged for groceries, rent, utilities, insurance, gas, entertainment etc - and determined that WITH a NEW car payment (and the increased insurance costs) that you will be able to afford everything? Will your take home income be 3x times the rent of where you are looking to go? Property managers will consider that car payment when they look to see if they think you can afford the place.

 

I know you aren't looking for financial advice.... I also graduated with no debt, but my education was closer to 20K. And I lived away from home through college, had a crummy bedroom in what was basically a trap house, and purchased food in bulk, and ate the same god damn thing for weeks at a time. It taught me how to take care of all of that myself.

 

Come graduation I was able to move cities, get a new apartment etc, and after I was well established in my new career (well over a year)- THEN I finally purchased my first new car.

 

I don't disagree with your BF - living on your own (completely) is very different than living at home. I saw it time and again with friends who hadn't been "out there" since they were 18 like I had.

 

I find it super awkward to be around the 'rents, especially at that age.

[soulseek]

Just curious, have you EVER lived on your own?

 

Have you ever done all of your own grocery shopping, cooked all your own meals, budgeted for food, gas, utilities, health insurance etc?

 

Being "out there" is a lot different than living at home in many ways. Managing your own household is very different than budgeting for tuition fees.

 

I have 10 years on you. I know its not "easy" to make it out there. And buying a NEW car first thing first, isn't going to make it any easier.

 

Do you know what the estimated salary is for the jobs you hope to land? Estimated what the take home will be after taxes and insurance? Then budged for groceries, rent, utilities, insurance, gas, entertainment etc - and determined that WITH a NEW car payment (and the increased insurance costs) that you will be able to afford everything? Will your take home income be 3x times the rent of where you are looking to go? Property managers will consider that car payment when they look to see if they think you can afford the place.

 

I know you aren't looking for financial advice.... I also graduated with no debt, but my education was closer to 20K. And I lived away from home through college, had a crummy bedroom in what was basically a trap house, and purchased food in bulk, and ate the same god damn thing for weeks at a time. It taught me how to take care of all of that myself.

 

Come graduation I was able to move cities, get a new apartment etc, and after I was well established in my new career (well over a year)- THEN I finally purchased my first new car.

 

I don't disagree with your BF - living on your own (completely) is very different than living at home. I saw it time and again with friends who hadn't been "out there" since they were 18 like I had.

 

I find it super awkward to be around the 'rents, especially at that age.

 

I pay for my cell phone, car insurance/ gas, clothing, my dental and medical coverage, I pay my parents 200$ per month for food (live rent free). I typically do the grocery shopping on behalf of my mother, and much younger siblings (mother works many many hours), I cook dinner for 4 family members 50% of the time, and I own a very sick 2yr old dog to my name with medical bills ranging from about 100-200 monthly for medications and monthly check ups.

 

I am more than capable of budgeting in more ways than just covering tuition. I feel this has gotten a bit off topic. As I said in my original post, I could move out tomorrow. Doing so would be very irresponsible. Furthermore, my job has the potential to push me out of my city, and if that happens I'll be on my own without a choice come September.

[soulseek]

And yes, I've taken salary into consideration. I have excel spreadsheets with all of my expenses and what I will be able to afford. I am set. Just waiting on a job.

[Els]

Oh yes, I see what you're saying now. Perhaps my situation is hard to understand or at least relate to.. From what I'm gathering, my choice to stay at home and pursue a career is not the choice many others would make for themselves in this age and day.

 

I personally have no issues with your choice whatsoever - if that was what you needed to do to complete your degree then I see nothing wrong with it. However, the issue is that now you are graduated and your partner thinks it's disadvantageous for you to still be living with your parents, which is somewhat true.

 

I'm not sure what advice you're looking for. Are you hoping for people to agree with you that he's being insulting? Well, yes, if he said it in an insulting manner then it would be insulting (even though what he said is technically true, it doesn't give him the right to berate you). However you haven't provided any details on how he said it, and we don't know because we weren't there.

 

Anyway, you said you are planning to look for a house and move out, you just haven't had the time because you just graduated? Why not tell him that? I don't see any issue with you taking an extra month or so to move out as long as there are concrete plans in the works.

 

Also, I know you didn't ask, but I want to reiterate that buying a brand new car when you don't have much savings is a terrible idea. NOBODY I know bought a brand new car immediately after graduation (unless their parents were rolling in money and bought one for them). Everyone, including the doctors who were literally guaranteed a decent-paying job right out of school, bought used cars. New cars depreciate in value far too quickly. It's a much better idea to buy a lightly-used car that is still reliable but half the price.

Edited May 6, 2016 by Elswyth

[CC12]

He seems overly concerned about your finances. It's really none of his business unless you two are planning on moving in together. And you don't seem to have any interest in doing that.

 

However, when I ask him what is independence he said, the freedom to make choices for myself (more as in control of choices not about money).

 

You are making choices for yourself, just not the ones he wants you to make. You are free to choose to live with your parents and you are free to make your own financial decisions. I hope you've been clear with him that you have no intention of moving in with him anytime soon. So any debate or heated discussion over these matters is not even worth having, especially if he's going to be a jerk about it, which it kind of sounds like he is.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Kind of off-topic, but I dont think buying a new car is always a terrible financial decision. Yes, it will depreciate astronomically straight off the lot, but buying a new decreases the risk of requirng expensive repairs as a result of poor maintenance or other unreported issues by the previous owner.

 

My parents have purchased both used and new. Their new cars were all practical low- to mid-range hondas or toyotas that they ran for 200,000+ miles with minimal maintenance. The used cars were also historically reliable brands and the cars appeared to be in good condition, but in their experience the used cars required far more repairs and did not end up lasting nearly as long. Maybe that was a coincidence, and im not saying buying used is not a better decision for most people, especially for those with any knowledge of car mechanics or those who do not plan on keeping the car for 20 years, but it's another perspective. Within the limited experience of my family the new cars have been very practical long-term.

Edited May 6, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise

[lucy_in_disguise]

Regarding your boyfriend's comments- I agree with most posters that his perspective is valid. Most of us who moved out at a relatively young age and did whatever it took to be self-sufficient look back at our journeys with a sense of pride and feeling that the experience was defining. Thats not to say that you should not be proud of your accomplishments or that living at home was not the right choice for you, but it is a different experience, and I think most people who moved out at 18 and were financially independent since then would argue that your life has been relatively priveledged and sheltered and as a result you may not have developed the same skills. That said, I think it is becoming much more common for people your age or older to live with their parents for financial reasons, so you're in good company, but I can understand your boyfriend's perspective, and depending on how much he values his own independence, I can also understand him having a hard time understanding yours. As someone else said- you may have different priorities.

 

This does not entitle him to be a dkic to you about it though. Im not sure how/ why these discussions are coming up but if your time frame for moving out is unacceptable to him, I think that is an incompatibility issue and you should probably both move on rather than disrespecting each others choices.

 

I am a little older but my boyfriend is your age. Personally I would not date someone still living at home for any reason except to take care of an ill family member.

[Standard-Fare]

OP, I've actually been playing devil's advocate here and trying to look at this from your BF's perspective.

 

But really, I would have done the exact same thing as you with your educational/financial circumstances. But I also have parents who would be tolerant and generous about that. Many people don't. And yes, those people end up becoming "tougher" and more independent and resilient.

 

Without knowing your career specialty, we don't have any real idea of your employment prospects and how they'll affect your move to independence. For example, if you got a grad degree in something like Literature, you might be stuck at your parents for a long while. But if you're in a field with surefire prospects, and you can make a decent salary in the near future, then you'll be well on your way.

 

If it's the former situation, and your career path is uncertain, I'm sure that would ensure continued problems with your BF on this matter.

[Els]

Kind of off-topic, but I dont think buying a new car is always a terrible financial decision. Yes, it will depreciate astronomically straight off the lot, but buying a new decreases the risk of requirng expensive repairs as a result of poor maintenance or other unreported issues by the previous owner.

 

My parents have purchased both used and new. Their new cars were all practical low- to mid-range hondas or toyotas that they ran for 200,000+ miles with minimal maintenance. The used cars were also historically reliable brands and the cars appeared to be in good condition, but in their experience the used cars required far more repairs and did not end up lasting nearly as long. Maybe that was a coincidence, and im not saying buying used is not a better decision for most people, especially for those with any knowledge of car mechanics or those who do not plan on keeping the car for 20 years, but it's another perspective. Within the limited experience of my family the new cars have been very practical long-term.

 

Lightly-used cars do cost slightly more in repairs, but the amount you save on them greatly exceeds the extra repair costs. I think buying a new car is totally fine if you already have all the basics set up and have extra cash to spare (since it does save you time and headaches), but not in the OP's case.

 

Always get a pre-purchase inspection done by a reputable 3rd party mechanic before buying a used car though. I don't know about where you or the OP live, but where I live that costs only about $80 and you can get the seller to hold the car for you as long as you agree that you will buy it pending a satisfactory pre-purchase inspection.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I am getting a tad defensive because the responses coming in are not taking into consideration my education and predicament. I'd like to hear opinions on how else I were to pay for two degrees and all of my expenses at the age of 25. I've heard living at home is being a dependent, and that bank loads are a no no. Basically what I'm hearing is, you're 25 you should be out. Yall make it seem so easy.

 

I don't recall anyone making it seem 'easy'. It isn't easy. Nothing worth having is easy. I left at 19, put myself through a BA and then an MA, once i was outta that door I (like Satu) never spent a night at 'home' (which swiftly became my parents home, not mine any longer!). If it wasn't easy there wouldn't be so many young adults these days taking the path of least resistance and remaining at home well into adulthood.

 

Personally if someone hasn't moved out by their early twenties, I have serious doubts they're serious about doing so and I wouldn't consider dating a man living at home. Whatever the choices you've made, at the end of the day all that matters here is that you and your boyfriend don't have compatible perspectives and it looks like it's going to build serious resentment. To be fair to him, he shouldn't have started seeing you to begin with if he wasn't happy with your living arrangements but who knows, maybe he thought you'd be sorting it out faster than you have ultimately ended up doing.

 

If you're happy with your decisions, and it sounds like you are, this R is going nowhere. End things and continue to live your life in the way that you see fit.