soulseek Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I am 25, I live at home with my parents, just graduated with a second degree. I pay for car insurance, my cellphone, clothing and entertainment. The reason for this is because there is no way I could afford to do this on my own. I am dating a 25 year old, who lives with a room mate, graduated university 4 years ago and is not using the degree for work. (I worked the same position 2.5 years ago during my undergrad --). My significant other has made comments about my living situation. Has told me its awkward being around my rents, I'm not independent, I don't have a certain skill set that I would have if I lived alone, and I am basically a child because I still live at home. I am just wondering how others would see this situation? Everytime this conversation comes up it becomes quite heated. im not sure how to deal with it but I feel insulted and attacked.
CC12 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I think it's all in the way your SO talks about these things. I mean, s/he is not wrong about some of it. You are, in fact, not independent (financially.) There are some skills you don't yet have if you've never lived on your own. But if s/he is a jerk about this, then there's a problem. How do these things come up in conversation? How and why do these conversations get heated? Context would probably help. 2
Els Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Well... honestly, it's the truth. It IS awkward dating people who are still living with their parents, you aren't independent until you've left the nest, and there are definitely skills you don't learn when you are living with your parents. Speaking for myself, I learned so much when I left my parents' house that I will never date a man who has never left his. It really changes a lot about you, you view the world and life in a totally different way, and you DO become a lot more independent. That being said, it doesn't give your SO a right to insult or degrade you for it. It depends on how and why they brought it up, really. If they brought it up in a polite manner then I'd say they have a point, if they were a douche about it then you should reconsider the R (though you should still move out regardless). Now that you have graduated, do you have any plans of moving out from your parents' house? 5
Author soulseek Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 (edited) I think it's all in the way your SO talks about these things. I mean, s/he is not wrong about some of it. You are, in fact, not independent (financially.) There are some skills you don't yet have if you've never lived on your own. But if s/he is a jerk about this, then there's a problem. How do these things come up in conversation? How and why do these conversations get heated? Context would probably help. The conversation mostly comes up when talking about the future. I am on the lookout for a job after completing my education. He acts concerned with how the fall is going to play out (as in, will I be living on my own then?) I could move out tomorrow if I wanted. But I'd like to wait and actually save some money to buy a newer car (or one that I haven't owned since highschool) and I'd like to move into a place after making well thought out decisions. I have only been graduated two weeks. I've never been able to travel or really buy anything worth much due to my education. I feel like there might be some jealously. His previous ex lived on her own, but her dad bought her a place. He did not see that as being independent either because she didn't pay for it. However, when I ask him what is independence he said, the freedom to make choices for myself (more as in control of choices not about money). Sometimes he will talk about how lonely is he, and how I am lucky to have a family to engage with. when I told him my plan to buy a brand new car (using a bank loan), he got a bit defensive and later came back and told me he could buy a car right off the lot, or an apartment with 5% down, and has 40,000 of credit available on credit cards to buy whatever, but doesn't want to because he doesn't need fancy things. He bought a car worth 4,000 -- but also wants to buy a newer jeep. However, he came back in response to my car/bank loan idea and said a bank loan is using someone else's money.. (Oops not independent again probably?) He said he doesn't believe anyone needs 4,000 square foot house (my childhood home), and that if I were to buy a house the market could drop and I'm better off renting as he does. Perhaps these are all personal attacks and living at home is just another one? Edited May 5, 2016 by soulseek More info / spelling 1
TunaCat Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I'd be really pissed off if someone I was seeing criticized my living arrangement. I am 30 and I still live at home and I am absolutely fine with that. I live at home because I have health issues as does my mom and I am also helping her pay the bills because she is out of work right now. But I digress. What kind of tone did he have when he was talking about your living situation? 2
CarrieT Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I have to say that buying a car with a bank loan when you are living with your parents is probably not the best financial decision the OP could make.... 6
Author soulseek Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 I'd be really pissed off if someone I was seeing criticized my living arrangement. I am 30 and I still live at home and I am absolutely fine with that. I live at home because I have health issues as does my mom and I am also helping her pay the bills because she is out of work right now. But I digress. What kind of tone did he have when he was talking about your living situation? I 'felt' like it was a condescending tone. I felt the need to justify and explain my career and what's in store for my future. Like I mentioned, the word "child" has slipped once. He didn't catch himself, rather it hurt me and he eventually apologized for using an insulting name. Even being told I'm not independent is somewhat insulting. 1
Author soulseek Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 I have to say that buying a car with a bank loan when you are living with your parents is probably not the best financial decision the OP could make.... A car purchase is first on the agenda so however I can manage to pull that one off. However, I am not asking for financial advice.
Satu Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 (edited) Living independently is a major step in the process of reaching your full potential as a human being. Don't delay it too much. Its also not good to be too dependent on others, as it can become a habit, and have a negative impact on your way of being in relationships in general. Edited May 5, 2016 by Satu 2
Satu Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I 'felt' like it was a condescending tone. I felt the need to justify and explain my career and what's in store for my future. Like I mentioned, the word "child" has slipped once. He didn't catch himself, rather it hurt me and he eventually apologized for using an insulting name. Even being told I'm not independent is somewhat insulting. This makes me wonder if you actually like each other much...
CarrieT Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 A car purchase is first on the agenda so however I can manage to pull that one off. However, I am not asking for financial advice. But the crux of your query is based on relationship issues stemming from financial decisions, correct? The big picture indicates that you are not being financially responsible and thus makes it questionable as to whether or not you are long-term relationship material... 3
Standard-Fare Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 - I happen to agree with your boyfriend that, at 25, you should be living more independently, and that it's an essential step to your full maturity. Some people might not share that view, and ultimately that's the type of person you should be dating if you intend to remain with your parents. Your current BF is always going to see this is a problem and he's going to continue judging you for it. - Just an aside: I noticed the phrase "brand-new" when you're describing your car purchase. I'm sorry but that just doesn't make sense. By all means, you should replace your old car if it's toast, but this should be a strictly practical purchase - the most affordable used car you can find within a modest price range. Adding any sort of luxury or indulgence to this purchase, esp. when you're taking out a bank loan, just isn't smart. 3
Author soulseek Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 But the crux of your query is based on relationship issues stemming from financial decisions, correct? The big picture indicates that you are not being financially responsible and thus makes it questionable as to whether or not you are long-term relationship material... Not financially responsible yet paid my way through 60,000 worth of education with no debt. The reason I lived at home during this time was to prevent myself from being in debt. I don't think that screams "not long term relationship material". 2
Author soulseek Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 - I happen to agree with your boyfriend that, at 25, you should be living more independently, and that it's an essential step to your full maturity. Some people might not share that view, and ultimately that's the type of person you should be dating if you intend to remain with your parents. Your current BF is always going to see this is a problem and he's going to continue judging you for it. - Just an aside: I noticed the phrase "brand-new" when you're describing your car purchase. I'm sorry but that just doesn't make sense. By all means, you should replace your old car if it's toast, but this should be a strictly practical purchase - the most affordable used car you can find within a modest price range. Adding any sort of luxury or indulgence to this purchase, esp. when you're taking out a bank loan, just isn't smart. I personally believe that there is no excuse to still be living with parents if one is working a full time job and has themselves fully set up to be independent. I went to university for 7 years after highschool and have been working my ass off to make ends meet. To top if off, I did mention I would be moving out. I've been graduated for two weeks and am currently looking for jobs. 1
Satu Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Not financially responsible yet paid my way through 60,000 worth of education with no debt. *The reason I lived at home during this time was to prevent myself from being in debt. I don't think that screams "not long term relationship material". *You are in debt; to your parents. It's just that they don't want you to pay them back. 2
basil67 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 (edited) Not financially responsible yet paid my way through 60,000 worth of education with no debt. The reason I lived at home during this time was to prevent myself from being in debt. I don't think that screams "not long term relationship material". You asked for opinions on what he has to say and you become defensive when anyone happens to agree with him. If this is an example of how your fights go down, I can see why there are problems. If you can't open your mind to there being alternate views on how growing up should look, you will never be OK with a person who has a different opinion. BOTH of you have valid points. But until you can see and understand each other's point of view, you will continue to be stuck in this cycle of fighting. You both need to open your minds to other views. My view? I'd struggle with someone who still lived at home at age 25. Independence is a really important personal trait to me. But I can see the wisdom in paying off your university debt so I'd probably suck it up. FWIW, I believe that buying a brand new car is extremely financially frivolous given how much value a new car loses as soon as it leaves the lot. Far better to buy something a couple of years old where someone else has had to bear the initial loss in value. Leave the new cars to people and companies who have money to burn. Edited May 5, 2016 by basil67 2
Standard-Fare Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I personally believe that there is no excuse to still be living with parents if one is working a full time job and has themselves fully set up to be independent. I went to university for 7 years after highschool and have been working my ass off to make ends meet. To top if off, I did mention I would be moving out. I've been graduated for two weeks and am currently looking for jobs. You said you've paid for some of your expenses during this time, so I assume you've held a job or jobs? Seven years of university is a long time, and for many people, simply unfeasible without a full scholarship. Your BF may in fact be feeling some jealousy there. On your job search: We don't know what your career area is but it seems concerning that you'll START looking for jobs after graduation. With that level of education it seems like something should be lined up already -- and the fact that there isn't suggests you've either got a tough road ahead in your specialty area, or you're late to the game with pursuing this. Not saying these things to be a downer, I'm just not sure how quickly you're going to move to get out of your parents' place. 3
d0nnivain Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I lived at home until I was 24. Lived in the dorms as an undergrad but with mom & dad while I was in grad school. One of my BFFs lived with her parents until she was 33; had a high paying FT job since 25. Her now husband did the same thing. When they married 15 years ago they bought an $800,000 house for cash so there is a lot to be said for saving money. For your own sanity, make a budget & figure out if you could move out. That said, once you have your budget, if your SO mentions it again, hit that person with the numbers. Then point blank say "unless you are willing to pay 100% of my rent, you don't get a say in where I live." If your SO doesn't want to hang out with your parents that I can understand & you shouldn't force that level of family togetherness. But otherwise it's outright rude for your SO to voice these opinions. I'd shut that person down HARD. 1
Author soulseek Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 You asked for opinions on what he has to say and you become defensive when anyone happens to agree with him. If this is an example of how your fights go down, I can see why there are problems. If you can't open your mind to there being alternate views on how growing up should look, you will never be OK with a person who has a different opinion. BOTH of you have valid points. But until you can see and understand each other's point of view, you will continue to be stuck in this cycle of fighting. You both need to open your minds to other views. My view? I'd struggle with someone who still lived at home at age 25. Independence is a really important personal trait to me. But I can see the wisdom in paying off your university debt so I'd probably suck it up. FWIW, I believe that buying a brand new car is extremely financially frivolous given how much value a new car loses as soon as it leaves the lot. Far better to buy something a couple of years old where someone else has had to bear the initial loss in value. Leave the new cars to people and companies who have money to burn. I am getting a tad defensive because the responses coming in are not taking into consideration my education and predicament. I'd like to hear opinions on how else I were to pay for two degrees and all of my expenses at the age of 25. I've heard living at home is being a dependent, and that bank loads are a no no. Basically what I'm hearing is, you're 25 you should be out. Yall make it seem so easy. 1
Author soulseek Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 You said you've paid for some of your expenses during this time, so I assume you've held a job or jobs? Seven years of university is a long time, and for many people, simply unfeasible without a full scholarship. Your BF may in fact be feeling some jealousy there. On your job search: We don't know what your career area is but it seems concerning that you'll START looking for jobs after graduation. With that level of education it seems like something should be lined up already -- and the fact that there isn't suggests you've either got a tough road ahead in your specialty area, or you're late to the game with pursuing this. Not saying these things to be a downer, I'm just not sure how quickly you're going to move to get out of your parents' place. On the topic of applications. All of my applications were sent in January and February, however the processing of my applications are waiting on provincial certification and deans letters. Not that I am late to the game. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 soulseek You also need to consider the idea that you two have incompatible views on money. Finances are the # 1 cause of divorce, especially when people have different values. You seem to want certain status things: a new car and a big house. That is fine if you can afford them. I'd suggest you get a reliable newer car to avoid the dramatic depreciation but that is one of my values; I don't think new cars are worth the money. I think everybody ought to have the experience of renting but I think owning a house is better financial decision in many markets. However, there are other costs to consider there. We have a small house because I didn't want to pay high upkeep costs with a big place. It's all about what you value. Personally I love to travel so that is what most of our discretionary income goes to. For him to basically tell you what to do with your life, your future & your money is patronizing at best. I wouldn't stand for it. 3
basil67 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I am getting a tad defensive because the responses coming in are not taking into consideration my education and predicament. I'd like to hear opinions on how else I were to pay for two degrees and all of my expenses at the age of 25. I've heard living at home is being a dependent, and that bank loads are a no no. Basically what I'm hearing is, you're 25 you should be out. Yall make it seem so easy. I moved out when I was 17 - back in the mid 80's. And it was easy then. But due to the now exorbitant costs of education and eye watering housing prices (here in Australia) it's nowhere near that easy now. 1
Author soulseek Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 soulseek You also need to consider the idea that you two have incompatible views on money. Finances are the # 1 cause of divorce, especially when people have different values. You seem to want certain status things: a new car and a big house. That is fine if you can afford them. I'd suggest you get a reliable newer car to avoid the dramatic depreciation but that is one of my values; I don't think new cars are worth the money. I think everybody ought to have the experience of renting but I think owning a house is better financial decision in many markets. However, there are other costs to consider there. We have a small house because I didn't want to pay high upkeep costs with a big place. It's all about what you value. Personally I love to travel so that is what most of our discretionary income goes to. For him to basically tell you what to do with your life, your future & your money is patronizing at best. I wouldn't stand for it. Yes I agree with the comment on incompatible views on finances in some ways. However, I didn't say that I wanted a large house. I grew up in a large house. And I'd like a new car because I've been driving a rust bucket since I was 17. I've never travelled and all of my income has gone towards paying my education. I am not one to make careless decisions. Everything I do is planned out. Hence my success with paying off tuition. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I'm not saying you do make careless decisions. I am saying that your BF thinks you do. He thinks your priority should be getting your own apartment & he's being a jerk because you have different priorities. 1
Author soulseek Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 I moved out when I was 17 - back in the mid 80's. And it was easy then. But due to the now exorbitant costs of education and eye watering housing prices (here in Australia) it's nowhere near that easy now. It really isn't easy. So I hope you can understand the defensiveness. I appreciate the opinions, but I'm not going to open my eyes to an idea that doesn't take into consideration my situation. If I decided on the path of only one degree, I too would be out in my very early 20s. 1
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