NTV Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 We cant help you do the right thing if you don't want to but I can tell you the emotional pain you're going to put your wife in far exceeds anything you expect ... if you don't believe me just start googling pain of the betrayed. 1
Rubix Cubed Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 @FlyingHighAndLow , Since you are materialistic consider this practically(shouldn't be difficult seeing that you don't seem to have an emotional connection to your wife). Do you live in a no fault state? If yes it's pretty much a given 50/50 split, if no then you will have to pay the piper. Your wife WILL find out about your affair sooner or later.When she does you will lose more of your so cherished greenbacks when that happens. If your choice is the OW , man up and cut your losses now. It's the price you pay, and it will go up from here on out.
Author FlyingHighAndLow Posted May 7, 2016 Author Posted May 7, 2016 (edited) I am slightly concerned here and it is for you. YOU are a man who has been seduced by a very ambitious and clever younger woman, who is in your top management team. She is well aware of your less than ethical working practices and that you do "not pretty things for the money." She is your subordinate. YOU have laid yourself bare here and if she really is the "Ice Queen", then she may take you for all that you are worth. Sexual harassment charges may be the least of your concerns. She may blow up your marriage but she could also blackmail you or blow up your businesses. As you say she is a liar and a cheater, she may be capable of anything. She has kept you at arm's length sexually, so the bf may even be in on it. Get your head out of that affair fog and get your business head back on. Of course there may be part of you that wants to sabotage everything, you may need to consider that. Thanks for voicing your concern and an advice. Yeah, she could be a good actress playing me indeed - then we'd be truly worth each other I guess. I considered that some time ago, basically as for the "not pretty things" stuff I trust people only when I got a chokehold on them so her signature is there rather than mine. Therefore I don't think she's got much of an opportunity to do that, likewise harassment charges might be an option but I've been collecting some "consent" evidence for quite a while... So yeah, she could blow it all up but without much of a sweet reward in the end. As for the sexuality, my feeling is that I'm keeping her at that distance (see my first post) as she's been readily available for quite a while but women can play us way better than we imagine, and there's only one way to find out. Edited May 7, 2016 by FlyingHighAndLow
ShatteredLady Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 I hope that your wife is some evil witch who's got men on the side & has had her eye on the cash from the start! I fear that she is a good, kind, loyal lady who loves you dearly & you're going to destroy her. I worry that she is very proud of you & all that you've accomplished in life with her support. It's all so sad & your responses are sounding so glib & selfish. Everything you have is on the line for a woman that you've been 'collecting evidence' to protect yourself against! Is that danger part of the thrill? You said that you forced your W to reluctantly, kind-of, accept that you could step out on your M. You sort-of said you had on occasion at the start. How long have you been loyal & faithful to your W for? I'm interested. You give this impression of being calculating & cold but you've been true to your W. Why? Why haven't you been cheating on her this whole time? Is there a chance that you love & NEED her a lot more than you think? Wouldn't it be sad to continue on this path, blow-up everything, only to realize that you're going through a midlife crisis, 'model good looks' aging, you know?
Mr Blunt Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 (edited) You value money more than just about anything else, you are “…in a state of emotional disarray, trying to hold it all together”, and have gone to drinking every day and you have a very low opinion of yourself. You may get some relief by telling us all about you being a “coward and spineless slug” and all the other put downs you have said about yourself but that is not going to work. You are in deep shyt and you cannot get out by yourself. Stop trying to convince us of your false pride by telling us Therapist - I'm more than old fashioned in this regard - if I can't sort my s*t out on my own I don't deserve any better You are telling us that you can sort out your s*t or you will take what you deseve like a real man. Your attempt at telling us what you deserve with your words of “I don’t deserve better” is more of you trying to justify or a pacification of you coping out. The bottom line is that you cannot “…sort my s*t out on my own” So you have a choice. You can run to a therapist and all other help you can get or you will continue to become an emotional cripple, drink yourself into more agony, and will lose lot if not all of your money. Nobody here can help you to make a huge difference except you. I know it is very hard for you to seek help because you think that is another stab at your pride and self-esteem but you only have two choices. You can either lose your face or lose your azz! IMO Edited May 9, 2016 by Mr Blunt 1
gemini6 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Well Flying...I really have to say that I feel terrible for you. It's going to be a rough road. You will do what you want to do and you've made it pretty clear that you are "in love" with and "have to have" the OW. While we have all tried to give you some solid advice, some painful experiences, and some sharp words of wisdom, in the end you have to do what you have to do... It's going to be one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride for all involved. Just some things to think about: 1. Science tells us that the infatuation stage of a relationship ( all relationships, no matter who, no matter what ) lasts between 6 months and 2 years, after that the attachment stage (where you are with your wife) not as exciting, not as passionate, but love is not, nor will it ever be that all consuming high of the first 6 months to 2 years - so, after the dopamine wears off with OW, you will be right where you are with her as you are with your wife. Only you know she is a liar and a cheater who is capable of screwing you over...so.... 2. You are comparing the other woman to your wife - and your wife ( poor thing) doesn't even realize she is in a competition..while the OW is dressed to the 9's always looking good and smelling good and putting on the "best face" every time you see her - and your wife is probably in her yoga pants doing the laundry and cooking dinner with no make-up on and her hair in a ponytail - not really a fair comparison - but...it is what it is. 3. You don't really know the OW, you think you do but let's be real..you don't actually know what she is like to live with, what quirks are going to drive you insane, does she clean? cook? do laundry? or is she lazy and selfish? does she spend money on herself lavishly? Does she pay her bills on time? Is she 50,000 in credit card debt? Does she have a drug problem? Gambling addiction? Shoe addiction? Is she a drunk? Is she flirtatious with all the guys? You only know what she WANTS you to know, you only SEE what she WANTS you to see...and it's so easy to be " all that and a bag of chips" for short snippets of time, it's so easy to be "perfect" through e-mail and text messaging...she could be a total psycho - insanely jealous, extremely controlling, or just plain un-caring and cold once she has you all to herself.. 4. I have learned that lots of OW (whether they know it or not) are more interested in the "winning" - it's a competition between her and your wife, if she can take you from her - and when they do actually "win"...well, it's not what they really wanted after all, and it's not so exciting anymore, and you actually aren't her type, and the game is over... Just some food for thought..........you might just lose everything, your wife's love being the most important over a woman who doesn't really care about you, just about "winning" the game. We all want what we can't have - and when we get it...it's not as cool as we thought it was going to be, or it isn't what we wanted after all...ever had that happen to you before?? Yeah, me too! 2
gemini6 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 And I thought of something else you should know: Being a BS of an EA that tuned into a PA..the sex wasn't what hurt me, it was that he cheated with his heart, that he was willing to throw me away for another.. THAT is what hurt, so you have already done the damage, and you can NEVER undo that damage. I can tell you that the absolute truth of the matter is that I will NEVER love my H the same way, I will NEVER look at him the same way. I can't - How could I? While I do love the man, and we are 5 years into reconciliation, I CAN and WILL walk out on him in a millisecond! In fact, I left our divorce pending in court for years..he asked me to re-marry him and I said No way! You can't EVER undo that damage. When I said you will lose your wife's love..I meant it, but it's not just her love, it's a loss of admiration, a loss of respect, a loss of her dreams and what she thought you were...what she thought you had together. You will LOSE ALL OF IT and you will never be able to get that kind of awe inspiring love back. She may still love you..but it will never be the same. 3
Mr Blunt Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 By Heartwhole Despite the enormous effort my husband has put into learning how to put us first, despite the thousand ways he has tried to make the affair up to me, despite all his therapy and self-sacrifice, all I see when I look at him is the affair. I think about it 50 times a day. I suffer from a form of PTSD from it. Nearly every day I'm quiet, he asks what is wrong, and then he has to hug me and tell me I'm the only one for him. Multiple times a day he sends me loving text messages. Flowers, dates, trips, gifts . . . It's been over a year since his 5 month, long-distance affair. He has put 100x more effort into rebuilding our marriage than he did into destroying it. And yet, we are long way from putting this behind us. The wound still bleeds and oozes. If you both keep working at it your bleeds and oozes will turn into scabs that fall off and you will be only left with a scar. The actions your husband has taken for a year seems to indicate that he is serious about trying to make it up. We all know that he can never make it up 100% but he can make it so that you have a good life without bleeds and oozes. I have over 20 years of R and I have a great relationship with my family and a good one most of the time with my WS. It will get a LOT better for you in the years to come just keep improving yourself so that you are even more self-sufficient and not to dependent on him 1
JulieEverette Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 How do you even know this OW wants a relationship with you? She has a succesful prominent BF from old money (vs your new shady business money) Im not that clear what you want? Is it just a side affair with OW and keep your marriage? Or get out if marriage and be with OW openly? It might be OW just wants a fling and not a real R with you. 1
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