FlyingHighAndLow Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Hello everyone, Not easy to get started writing on the subject, but here’s my story - based on what I’ve read that’s a rather typical one on this forum. So… Some backstory: I’m a guy in my 30s, have been married for 6 years, together for 10+ years. Our marriage is pretty stable but can’t say it’s a very “warm” one, we got no kids (my wife is focused on her career and doesn’t want children, I’m kinda neutral on this matter so never insisted). I guess we’re pretty comfortable financially, got few businesses together, multiple apartments, fancy cars and so on thus a divorce would probably be an epic disaster, I’ll be back to it later. Now, the story begins. Basically I’ve been having kind of unhealthy dynamics with one of top managers of the company, guess ya all know the drill… So chatting off work hours, weekends secretly together, kind of mini-dates, SMSing, stupid gazes with high school style smiles, touches, passing pics and God knows what else, we’ve done that all. That’s done mostly under “it’s work and so urgent!” flag on both ends and we never kissed or slept together (fortunately!), but at least once barely escaped it. I admit that the initiative was mostly mine, she went along then started to push for more herself so eventually it took us were we are. To her credit, she tried to resist a bit which being honestly I’m not really used to (did some modeling gigs in my late teens so still got a bit of looks remaining, plus status, trips all over the world and all that cr*p). In addition and to my shame I gotta admit that I’ve been using her good disposition to overwork her a lot which she went for eagerly without any additional bonuses or stimuli save my special attention, of course… So not all of the “work-work” stuff is actually bogus - that all sounds terrible I know but I’m a business guy and know how to “use all available resources efficiently and effectively yada yada”. At this point I’m really confused as I don’t want to sleep with her but it’s fair to say she’s on my mind day and night - I guess deserving the OW title… Scaring yet quite enticing. OW’s a little bit younger than myself, gorgeous and well aware I’m married plus got a long term bf (afaik they’ve been talking about a marriage for quite a while), at some point we simply started to escape mentioning our partners in conversations like a plague so I’m not sure what’s going between them exactly at the moment, looking at her face when she’s reading his SMSs it’s far from good. She’s well off herself, so doubt she’s into it for my money but that’s possible of course:) Summing up, I’m not sure how to get out of this mess of my own creation and see the following options: a) Stop resisting and go full-speed with OW. Downsides: likely we blew up the business as I already notice negative effects on my professional life. In the worst case my wife looses her patience and we’re set into epic disaster of assets issues in courts. Or the bf tries to chop off my careless head, anybody’s guess. b) Go cold turkey with OW trying to get into the “back to work” state. Downsides: I’m not sure that would really work at this stage, we’re likely to blew up the business anyway in the process or loose a very valuable member of the management team (that’s herself, what an irony), or a legal trouble for example would follow. c) Try to stay where we’re, in this weird equilibrium of writing 20 messages a day despite being in the same office but not actually banging each other. Downsides: I’m not sure how long that can last at this line, I guess that’s a suspension not a colloid/solution using the chemistry language of my youth. Any thoughts? And thanks for your attention.
OneMoreBW Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Hello everyone, Not easy to get started writing on the subject, but here’s my story - based on what I’ve read that’s a rather typical one on this forum. So… Some backstory: I’m a guy in my 30s, have been married for 6 years, together for 10+ years. Our marriage is pretty stable but can’t say it’s a very “warm” one, we got no kids (my wife is focused on her career and doesn’t want children, I’m kinda neutral on this matter so never insisted). I guess we’re pretty comfortable financially, got few businesses together, multiple apartments, fancy cars and so on thus a divorce would probably be an epic disaster, I’ll be back to it later. Now, the story begins. Basically I’ve been having kind of unhealthy dynamics with one of top managers of the company, guess ya all know the drill… So chatting off work hours, weekends secretly together, kind of mini-dates, SMSing, stupid gazes with high school style smiles, touches, passing pics and God knows what else, we’ve done that all. That’s done mostly under “it’s work and so urgent!” flag on both ends and we never kissed or slept together (fortunately!), but at least once barely escaped it. I admit that the initiative was mostly mine, she went along then started to push for more herself so eventually it took us were we are. To her credit, she tried to resist a bit which being honestly I’m not really used to (did some modeling gigs in my late teens so still got a bit of looks remaining, plus status, trips all over the world and all that cr*p). In addition and to my shame I gotta admit that I’ve been using her good disposition to overwork her a lot which she went for eagerly without any additional bonuses or stimuli save my special attention, of course… So not all of the “work-work” stuff is actually bogus - that all sounds terrible I know but I’m a business guy and know how to “use all available resources efficiently and effectively yada yada”. At this point I’m really confused as I don’t want to sleep with her but it’s fair to say she’s on my mind day and night - I guess deserving the OW title… Scaring yet quite enticing. OW’s a little bit younger than myself, gorgeous and well aware I’m married plus got a long term bf (afaik they’ve been talking about a marriage for quite a while), at some point we simply started to escape mentioning our partners in conversations like a plague so I’m not sure what’s going between them exactly at the moment, looking at her face when she’s reading his SMSs it’s far from good. She’s well off herself, so doubt she’s into it for my money but that’s possible of course:) Summing up, I’m not sure how to get out of this mess of my own creation and see the following options: a) Stop resisting and go full-speed with OW. Downsides: likely we blew up the business as I already notice negative effects on my professional life. In the worst case my wife looses her patience and we’re set into epic disaster of assets issues in courts. Or the bf tries to chop off my careless head, anybody’s guess. b) Go cold turkey with OW trying to get into the “back to work” state. Downsides: I’m not sure that would really work at this stage, we’re likely to blew up the business anyway in the process or loose a very valuable member of the management team (that’s herself, what an irony), or a legal trouble for example would follow. c) Try to stay where we’re, in this weird equilibrium of writing 20 messages a day despite being in the same office but not actually banging each other. Downsides: I’m not sure how long that can last at this line, I guess that’s a suspension not a colloid/solution using the chemistry language of my youth. Any thoughts? And thanks for your attention. YOU ARE RIGHT: Trouble is around the corner. Let me tell a bit about my life. Your story looks exactly like my husband's 6 years ago. EXACTLY!!! He would be blessed if by then he had wrote in a blog like this asking for advise or had hired a therapist for a more professional advice. AND took the advices! Now I'll tell you of happen with all of us: He's still married with me. We are trying to work things out after all the mess. Our two sons are VERY upset with him. The OW's husband left her when he discovered the affair. The OW got pregnant. The OW changed job because everybody knew about the affair and she couldn't bare the pressure (now she has a job where she receive less money). The OW has a 2yo daughter, raising the kid by herself. My husband has to provide financially for the kid and pay a VERY expensive private childcare + nanny in NYC = $$$$$$$ So my advices for you are: Don't be so narcissistic It looks like you have money enough to seek a relationship therapist: seek it! This is like an addiction and you need to treat it as an addiction. Spend the energy and thoughts you are spending with this OW (even without sex you are already emotionally involved with her) in your own wife. She deserve a 2nd chance from you. Maybe she is also into you because she also need a distraction from her own relationship or looking for an 'upgrade'. Be aware that a secretive affair will you give Highs that you will never get from a healthy relationship. The OW one day will ask you about "the next step in our relationship" = When you are going to leave your wife In the beginning everything is fun, exciting, light. At the end is a nightmare! Read a lot about it before you dive in to it. Good luck. It's ALL you choice. 5
gemini6 Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 (edited) LOL, You are right, your story is so similar to hundreds here..which should tell you a few things. 1. The situation isn't special, it's actually very very typical - proximity. 2. The shiny new girl isn't special - how many co-workers start up affairs? a lot! very typical - proximity again. So, don't fool yourself into thinking this girl is your soulmate and that you married the wrong person, blah blah blah...it's the same story over and over again. My how people are finding their soulmates in the next cubicle these days! Anyway, as a BW (that is 5 years out) I told my H to go choke on the greener grass and I told his shiny new girl that she was welcome to have the cheater Here's the funny: 1. My H called me crying his eyes out the day after he moved out...baby please, please baby!! Bahh haaaa....nah, no thanks on that! 2. The new girl didn't look so hot anymore in the "light of day"..really? Go figure! Proximity + attention...that's all it is... If you would focus on your wife the way you are focusing on the new girl..you'd be falling head over heels in love with your wife once again....but hey, keep focusing on the new girl and you'll go through the pain, the drama, the headache, and the financial ruin of it all...meanwhile, the new girl will get old and dull, just as your wife got old and dull, BUT there will always be a new girl to focus on somewhere!! so.....good luck Buddy! Edited May 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T 5
burnt Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Besides money, money, business, money, wait more money, and some yet more concerns for money, and money, is there anything else you can see as troublesome in your diagnosis of the problem? for example, hurting people, destroying lives, breaking hearts, betraying trusts, making people feel like disposable and used commodities and assets? The callousness with which you are speaking of the OW and (not speaking at all) of your wife is very disturbing. Do you have any concerns about what you are doing to your wife? Do you have any concerns for this other woman for how you are trying to play with her heart? Lost money can be found again; but broken trust and broken hearts of the women around you--unfixable. IF you are not happy in your marriage, get a divorce and find someone who you can love and not toy with. Otherwise, be sincere with your wife and stop playing with people's lives. 9
Author FlyingHighAndLow Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 (edited) If you would focus on your wife the way you are focusing on the new girl..you'd be falling head over heels in love with your wife once again....but hey, keep focusing on the new girl and you'll go through the pain, the drama, the headache, and the financial ruin of it all...meanwhile, the new girl will get old and dull, just as your wife got old and dull, BUT there will always be a new girl to focus on somewhere!! so.....good luck Buddy! I guess that's true, I'm moved by this piece on emotional level because that's exactly what my father did, well even worse - he left my mother when she was pregnant with me. So when he died alone, all left was various mistresses fighting for the inheritance - never laid a claim to a single penny out of it, good riddance... Edited May 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language~T
BuddyX Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 So you don't have kids, and you're sticking around due to the $? Ouch. You either need MC or need to bail on your marriage. This is unfair to your wife. If she finds out, say goodbye to your finances and your balls. And I know what you're going to say "Our marriage isn't bad, but..." We've heard it all. If you're having an EA, your marriage is on life support. 3
OneMoreBW Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Few more things: c) leads to a) no matter what. b) will be VERy, VERY difficult without support. At this point only freewill won't be enough to hold you back as this OW is also tempting you. Is just a questions of days to get in a) Seek help! Talk to a good friend. Take a break from work (maybe impossible!) But if you get to this point, be honest with your wife and file for divorce. Believe me, it will be less heartbreaking for her to go for a divorce in amicable terms with you. The two of you still can be good friends. Don't be a coward just because the assets division, and it is way more simple as you don't have kids. In the future you can face yourself in the mirror. The other option is you go a). Your wife will discover (SHE WILL!), it will be a HUGE mess, you are going to get divorce anyway, your wife will take a bigger chunk of your assets due to infidelity, you might have kids together, she will know the coward jerk you are, it will be drama, drama, drama. Everybody will suffer with all the deception. Don't fool yourself. It's a lose-lose situation. 5
gemini6 Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 I guess that's true, I'm moved by this piece on emotional level because that's exactly what my father did, well even worse - he left my mother when she was pregnant with me. So when the old b*rd died alone, all left was various mistresses fighting for the inheritance - never laid a claim to a single penny out of it, good riddance... Do you want people to see you the way you saw your father? Do you want to die alone and have people thinking "good riddance"? He was a POS that was just like his father! Nothing but a liar and a cheat!! Somehow, I don't think you do. Let's get this straight. Affairs do NOTHING but hurt all 3 people - I've yet to see one work out for the better - go look at the OM/OW board, see the pain those people are going through, the pain your BW will go through and the pain you will suffer in losing - because believe me, you WILL lose! probably everything that you really care about by the end of it. Affairs NEVER stay secret. 6
whichwayisup Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 a) Stop resisting and go full-speed with OW. Downsides: likely we blew up the business as I already notice negative effects on my professional life. In the worst case my wife looses her patience and we’re set into epic disaster of assets issues in courts. Or the bf tries to chop off my careless head, anybody’s guess. b) Go cold turkey with OW trying to get into the “back to work” state. Downsides: I’m not sure that would really work at this stage, we’re likely to blew up the business anyway in the process or loose a very valuable member of the management team (that’s herself, what an irony), or a legal trouble for example would follow. c) Try to stay where we’re, in this weird equilibrium of writing 20 messages a day despite being in the same office but not actually banging each other. Downsides: I’m not sure how long that can last at this line, I guess that’s a suspension not a colloid/solution using the chemistry language of my youth. D) Divorce your wife. It's obvious you don't love or respect her. 6
Author FlyingHighAndLow Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 (edited) Thanks for the answers people, that's helpful. And sobering. I feel I need to throw in few clarifications based on the comments above, so here they go. - Money - Unfortunately I'm a materialistic guy, I don't think I gonna change at my age, so yeah I'll have to live with it. I guess that's not pretty but we're who we are. Am I afraid to loose it all? Absolutely, that already happened before though some years ago, that's not my first business. Thus I think I'll probably recover, that's a rather scary, thorny and humiliating path nevertheless - I know it well firsthand having walked on it. I'll do all I can to avoid it, make no mistake. - Wife - We loved each like crazy, that was utterly insane. But that was years ago, don't get me wrong I have feelings for her but far from that burning fever we had once and probably that's normal. As I said our marriage is stable but ain't "warm", we go out together in different companies normally, keep our budgets completely separate, no commons savings even but of course I help her when she's into buying something big etc. We do have sex occasionally and have some good time together but what keeps us as an item I guess is mostly the feeling of comfort and habit (plus lifestyle, that sounds bad but I'm trying to be frank upfront here), therefore we don't keep much eye on each other private things, I managed to get away with quite some stuff - I don't think she did it, too, but I never tried to know too much, you know what I mean. I did think about separation before few times but check my first post, we're not just a married couple but more plus we're rather comfortable together keeping the things and boundaries the way they are. Of course, the patience has its limits and I'm sure she would be rather upset and devastated knowing in what kind of mess I dragged myself into this time, that said she knew whom she married from the beginning and even gave me (although many years ago and not happily) a permission to get physical with someone else as long as I'm not emotionally attached and stay with her - I acted on it few times but discreetly, not sure wether she knows. I understand that I'd be clearly overstepping this "permission" now with the OW, no illusions here... And yes I'm concerned. Being honest, we had few fights recently which is abnormal, that's my fault as I'm too head-in-the-clouds with the OW to keep it the way we used to. - OW - I don't think I play with her heart as some implied, not anymore at least. I think I almost fell for her if not completely. She's no angel though, we're both liars, cheaters and worse. That said, that's one of the reasons I kinda grew connected to her, we're both from the business world and did (and doing at the moment) not pretty things for the money, ya know. My wife on the other hand is a decent person more of an academical background. I did discuss the situation with few friends of mine primarily stating we got no relationship as there's no sex, I was told I'm delusional and based on what I just have read above they're correct... - Children - I'm not planning on impregnating neither of them under current circumstances, as said before I'm not really into kids myself and very cautious. - Pain & Havoc - I know it but can't seem to be able to stop, the best I could do is not jumping into OW's bed for these months. That said, it takes two to tango - see above. Edited May 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language~T
Midwestmissy Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 It was at this point (where op is)that my wh started justifying - my wife doesn't care about me (hmm, then why lie through your teeth?), the ow is not judgmental and gets me, my wife is lousy, I work so hard and I'm not appreciated, etc. That's when sleeping with his employee made total sense. A reward, if you will. Fast forward to the same things as the other posters wrote. When I told him he was free to go, the tears started falling and the mow went directly under the bus. She made him feel like the man he thought he was supposed to be, but they really never knew each other it was all fantasy and fakery. He never loved her, never intended on leaving, etc. He took all his issues and projected them onto me. I was controlling, didn't appreciate my marriage, disrespected his family (he was putting the family business at risk for a lawsuit, therefore risking my kids' stability and future), but that was what he was actually doing to us. Our oldest is heading off to school and that relationship is very strained, it's so sad. My suggestion is tell all this to your wife and at least make her part of the decision. Don't let her be ignorant to what is happening in her marriage. You made the vows, and free sexy girl at work is not "meant to be", she's just available sex on the way to the break room. Not a magic connection. Nothing sexier than a man who stands up for his marriage and has boundaries in place. I wish my husband had come to me with all the issues he suddenly hated me for, and now after everything blew up in his face he feels horrible and has damaged so much. And surprise, ended up that cool non judgemental girl (she's 50)who "got" him was a hot mess serial cheater. 1
OneMoreBW Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Well, after all said, it seams you all deserve each other. You'll be in good hands with this "liar, cheater and worse" OW and your permissive W. No more to be said. Regarding kids, if your are so attached to your money, better do a vasectomy ASAP. These type of women you like to deal with, will play games on you as well. 4
ShatteredLady Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Some read this & hear money, money, $$$$$, money, status, money. Father - Apple doesn't fall very far from the tree.... I'm hearing quite a bit of youth, younger, teenager, modeling, women don't usually say no! Youth, 'some' looks remaining, younger.... I can't really tell if this is a midlife crisis or if you're just an empathy devoid narcissist. I'll admit I'm only writing here in the hope that I can save your wife from the soul destroying devastation that I wouldn't inflict on my worst enemy. The only redeeming thing I can see so far is, 'You came to this forum & wrote your story!'. That MUST mean something!?!? Remember the love that you had for your wife? If you gave her half the attention you're feeling for your OW you could have that again but with more depth & true meaning after a life shared.....or you can lay on your death bed counting what remains of your cash while your mistresses circle like vultures wondering what they're going to do with the $$$ & their lovers who still have the youth & looks to "do a bit modeling".
Author FlyingHighAndLow Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 Well, after all said, it seams you all deserve each other. You'll be in good hands with this "liar, cheater and worse" OW and your permissive W. No more to be said. Regarding kids, if your are so attached to your money, better do a vasectomy ASAP. These type of women you like to deal with, will play games on you as well. My judgement of OW (and myself) probably sounded quite harsh so let me elaborate. Cheaters - well, see above we did all we could without having an actual physical affair and even that almost happened at some point. Being honest, it came to daily dumb SMSs in vein of "good night" and "good morning" and arranging secret get-togethers weekly. That's cheating (EA, whatnot) for many based on what I read around here. Liars - it takes a good ton of lies to cover it all up, I'm sure she didn't tell to her bf exactly "oh and I'm off to another weekend trip with N. now, see ya later darling", did she? Well, and so didn't I - thus liars. Worse - let me skip details on that but sometimes maximizing the profits and staying ethical does not go hand on hand precisely.
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 As a fellow cheater...I will cut to the chase and just be as honest as i can. I think you should tell your wife about all of this...all of your thoughts....all of your expectations.....all of you wants....and all of your extra curricular activity. and then let her tell you what she thinks. She might surprise you and want a divorce and a new plaything as bad as you do. Or she may cling to you and try to do everything she can to "get you back" but you owe it to her to be honest....and while money is important...you are young enough to divide everything equally and go your separate ways and still recover financially. You are in too deep with your girlfriend to simply walk away....you will have to force your own hand and set up strong perimeters that will be too easy to break. So you will need your wife to hold your feet to the fire and make you accountable. Even then....it might not be possible. You don't sound terribly committed to your marriage....so if divorce does not happen THIS time....is certainly will NEXT time.....and I would place bets there will be another time. Good luck to you....and be kind to your wife. She doesn't deserve this you know. 7
Author FlyingHighAndLow Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 I can't really tell if this is a midlife crisis or if you're just an empathy devoid narcissist. The latter could be true I guess, to some extent of course - raised by a single mother surrounded by aunts, grannies and other ladies without any exemplar male figure could help to develop such conditions based on what I recall from the psychology lessons. The only redeeming thing I can see so far is, 'You came to this forum & wrote your story!'. That MUST mean something!?!? It does, I'm feeling lost in the fog and don't wanna to follow the path that's revealing itself gradually in front of my eyes at the moment, I think my first post indicates that clearly. Yet I keep going - perhaps a good example of what one should not get themselves into. Sorry for the misunderstanding and thanks for your reply. 1
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 - Wife - We loved each like crazy, that was utterly insane. But that was years ago, don't get me wrong I have feelings for her but far from that burning fever we had once and probably that's normal. It's a shame and very sad that you both let the flame go out and you two grew apart. Just think back, you loved her like crazy and she loved you. You two had passion and a real connection. Wouldn't it just be nice if you two could find that passion again? Instead of putting effort into someone you barely know, an OW, you have a great wife at home who would probably want to work with you to bring the past passion back. But no, you'd rather sow your oats elsewhere. And risk betraying and hurting your wife. I'm sure if she knew how unhappy you were (are) she would be willing to fix things and make the marriage better. Anyway, I hope you break it off with the OW and decide once and for all what you want. Stringing two women along is selfish and cruel. 1
aliveagain Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Since material things are a big part of your life maybe you should consider how that could change by starting a relationship with someone you work with. Divorce is a financial disaster, the only ones that come out of it well are the lawyers, trust me on that one. Rather then potentially destroying what is left of your relationship with your wife imagine what you would have if you put the effort into fixing that relationship? When your emotional efforts are focused on someone from outside of your marriage you are taking those from the person you are in a relationship with. How can your marriage survive if you are both in it part time? Sounds like you and your wife are in an open marriage but just haven't established that fact formally. Maybe this is a good time to have that talk with your wife, maybe it's time you were both honest with each other and learned the truth about the health of your relationship. Don't start something with someone else until you are done with the relationship you are in. Why are you interfering with the relationship that the other woman has with her boyfriend? All relationships mature, when you give up some of the lust due to familiarity and loss of newness, other things take their place. Your not allowing this to happen because you and your wife are choosing to lead lives apart from each other. If you don't water the grass you know what happens. 2
heartwhole Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 From a purely business/self-interest perspective, surely you can see how continuing with the OW is high risk/low reward. Is some exciting sex worth the financial fall-out that you are so distasteful of? I wonder if playing fast and loose with ethics during work is bleeding over into your personal life. Personally, I believe in doing things honorably. If you don't want to stay married, fine, but be an honorable man and tell your wife this straight-up before you get involved with someone else. Sure, that will kill the illicit excitement of the EA, and probably OW will suddenly realize just how great she has it with her boyfriend once you could be hers properly. So this is the "no fun" option, for sure. But it's also the option that avoids you blowing up your life for a little fun. And as others have pointed out, being honest with your wife about the EA will probably encourage her to put more work into the marriage, and things at home could improve. Or not, and you move on. But justifying lying and cheating just because you don't want to pay a financial cost is pretty low, in my opinion. 1
Zoe5.5 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Hello everyone, Not easy to get started writing on the subject, but here’s my story - based on what I’ve read that’s a rather typical one on this forum. So… Some backstory: I’m a guy in my 30s, have been married for 6 years, together for 10+ years. Our marriage is pretty stable but can’t say it’s a very “warm” one, we got no kids (my wife is focused on her career and doesn’t want children, I’m kinda neutral on this matter so never insisted). I guess we’re pretty comfortable financially, got few businesses together, multiple apartments, fancy cars and so on thus a divorce would probably be an epic disaster, I’ll be back to it later. Now, the story begins. Basically I’ve been having kind of unhealthy dynamics with one of top managers of the company, guess ya all know the drill… So chatting off work hours, weekends secretly together, kind of mini-dates, SMSing, stupid gazes with high school style smiles, touches, passing pics and God knows what else, we’ve done that all. That’s done mostly under “it’s work and so urgent!” flag on both ends and we never kissed or slept together (fortunately!), but at least once barely escaped it. I admit that the initiative was mostly mine, she went along then started to push for more herself so eventually it took us were we are. To her credit, she tried to resist a bit which being honestly I’m not really used to (did some modeling gigs in my late teens so still got a bit of looks remaining, plus status, trips all over the world and all that cr*p). In addition and to my shame I gotta admit that I’ve been using her good disposition to overwork her a lot which she went for eagerly without any additional bonuses or stimuli save my special attention, of course… So not all of the “work-work” stuff is actually bogus - that all sounds terrible I know but I’m a business guy and know how to “use all available resources efficiently and effectively yada yada”. At this point I’m really confused as I don’t want to sleep with her but it’s fair to say she’s on my mind day and night - I guess deserving the OW title… Scaring yet quite enticing. OW’s a little bit younger than myself, gorgeous and well aware I’m married plus got a long term bf (afaik they’ve been talking about a marriage for quite a while), at some point we simply started to escape mentioning our partners in conversations like a plague so I’m not sure what’s going between them exactly at the moment, looking at her face when she’s reading his SMSs it’s far from good. She’s well off herself, so doubt she’s into it for my money but that’s possible of course:) Summing up, I’m not sure how to get out of this mess of my own creation and see the following options: a) Stop resisting and go full-speed with OW. Downsides: likely we blew up the business as I already notice negative effects on my professional life. In the worst case my wife looses her patience and we’re set into epic disaster of assets issues in courts. Or the bf tries to chop off my careless head, anybody’s guess. b) Go cold turkey with OW trying to get into the “back to work” state. Downsides: I’m not sure that would really work at this stage, we’re likely to blew up the business anyway in the process or loose a very valuable member of the management team (that’s herself, what an irony), or a legal trouble for example would follow. c) Try to stay where we’re, in this weird equilibrium of writing 20 messages a day despite being in the same office but not actually banging each other. Downsides: I’m not sure how long that can last at this line, I guess that’s a suspension not a colloid/solution using the chemistry language of my youth. Any thoughts? And thanks for your attention. Hello sir , my suggestions would be to consider the years of marriage you have already had, been through, and will continue to have. Knowing that marriage is forever until one of you passes and then you are free to remarry . I would not suggest ever being in a position that can be … unhealthy and will almost certainly be found out by your wife, that you are cheating, though you are not. Should you need to allow the business partner to go to protect your marriage , then do that and know it is for the better of your marriage. Thank you and be encouraged that your marriage can be improved, if you and your wife are willing to work on it.
NTV Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 (edited) It sounds like you have a tough emotional quandary on your hands, but let me ask you what your options are in your head? You could cheat... it sounds like you know this is an option. You know it has potential consequences that could be financially painful. You could re-invest in your marriage... you aren't sure if the energy is worth the reward there. You could dump the woman and divorce, seeking out someone else... But here's the thing. Something in you is allowing you to push this boundary, right? Somewhere along the line, you know this is bad and will (not might, WILL) put your wife in unimaginable pain... but you are still thinking about it anyway. You know what that might say about you and that's what is holding you back on going any further with this affair. You don't want to be that guy. But you don't want to go back to the marriage the way it was either right? So where does that leave you? From the sound of the material things you have ongoing, I doubt very much you would make any type of major investment without a solid plan. You aren't likely to take someone's word that it's a good deal without doing your own research... so my suggestion is to do research on this. Make a plan about this. Course you have more options that I listed above, those are just the obvious ones. List ALL your options. Pick out the one you like the best. Do research. Develop a plan to get there. A real plan, not some half-assed bullcrap like you've got going on right now. Put it in writing. If it involves staying with the wife you have, run it by her and get her input. If it involves leaving her, you may want to run it by her anyway, just so she has the option of knowing what's at stake and offering a better deal to stay. IDK man. That's just my honest opinion... and who am I? Just some stranger on the internet. Edit: I know it sounds like I just re-wrote the options you already laid out on the table. I did that on purpose to get to the 'you should make a plan' step. If I personally were you? I would drop the OW, investigate what your wife has been doing while you've been busy and if she hasn't been cheating to, and if she hasn't, then address that you feel like the marriage is wavering and come to a joint conclusion.... unless I didn't like my wife or she was cheating too. Then I would drop OW, investigate what your wife has been doing while you've been busy and see a divorce attorney and financial advisor. But that's just me. Edited May 5, 2016 by NTV not sure why I couldn't complete my thoughts first, lol
NTV Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 And I know some of the folks are responding to you kinda harshly. You mentioned 'fog', and if you're in one then the harshness will get you out of it. But I don't think you are. I think you have gotten yourself into a situation you didn't want to be in because you were caught up in the moment, and realized... 'hey, if I actually do this, I might be evil/bad/etc' and that's not how you want to see yourself. Who does? I think that you can pull yourself out, and that you should take the advice of a lot of the posters and seriously think about what you want for your future. And why you want it. I don't know why I came back to this thread to keep adding to it. I guess I just see some hope of a great guy hiding in a bunch of confusing bullcrap and trying to get back to a place where you can look at yourself in the mirror again and be proud. 'Course I could be projecting, you never know. 3
LifesontheUp Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 she knew whom she married from the beginning and even gave me (although many years ago and not happily) a permission to get physical with someone else as long as I'm not emotionally attached and stay with her - I acted on it few times but discreetly, not sure wether she knows. Why would she do that and as you said not happily? Do you bully her? Intimidate her? Why would she unhappily do that? Honestly you sound like you have quite some issues. Ever thought of therapy? 1
Zoe5.5 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Hello everyone, Not easy to get started writing on the subject, but here’s my story - based on what I’ve read that’s a rather typical one on this forum. So… Some backstory: I’m a guy in my 30s, have been married for 6 years, together for 10+ years. Our marriage is pretty stable but can’t say it’s a very “warm” one, we got no kids (my wife is focused on her career and doesn’t want children, I’m kinda neutral on this matter so never insisted). I guess we’re pretty comfortable financially, got few businesses together, multiple apartments, fancy cars and so on thus a divorce would probably be an epic disaster, I’ll be back to it later. Now, the story begins. Basically I’ve been having kind of unhealthy dynamics with one of top managers of the company, guess ya all know the drill… So chatting off work hours, weekends secretly together, kind of mini-dates, SMSing, stupid gazes with high school style smiles, touches, passing pics and God knows what else, we’ve done that all. That’s done mostly under “it’s work and so urgent!” flag on both ends and we never kissed or slept together (fortunately!), but at least once barely escaped it. I admit that the initiative was mostly mine, she went along then started to push for more herself so eventually it took us were we are. To her credit, she tried to resist a bit which being honestly I’m not really used to (did some modeling gigs in my late teens so still got a bit of looks remaining, plus status, trips all over the world and all that cr*p). In addition and to my shame I gotta admit that I’ve been using her good disposition to overwork her a lot which she went for eagerly without any additional bonuses or stimuli save my special attention, of course… So not all of the “work-work” stuff is actually bogus - that all sounds terrible I know but I’m a business guy and know how to “use all available resources efficiently and effectively yada yada”. At this point I’m really confused as I don’t want to sleep with her but it’s fair to say she’s on my mind day and night - I guess deserving the OW title… Scaring yet quite enticing. OW’s a little bit younger than myself, gorgeous and well aware I’m married plus got a long term bf (afaik they’ve been talking about a marriage for quite a while), at some point we simply started to escape mentioning our partners in conversations like a plague so I’m not sure what’s going between them exactly at the moment, looking at her face when she’s reading his SMSs it’s far from good. She’s well off herself, so doubt she’s into it for my money but that’s possible of course:) Summing up, I’m not sure how to get out of this mess of my own creation and see the following options: a) Stop resisting and go full-speed with OW. Downsides: likely we blew up the business as I already notice negative effects on my professional life. In the worst case my wife looses her patience and we’re set into epic disaster of assets issues in courts. Or the bf tries to chop off my careless head, anybody’s guess. b) Go cold turkey with OW trying to get into the “back to work” state. Downsides: I’m not sure that would really work at this stage, we’re likely to blew up the business anyway in the process or loose a very valuable member of the management team (that’s herself, what an irony), or a legal trouble for example would follow. c) Try to stay where we’re, in this weird equilibrium of writing 20 messages a day despite being in the same office but not actually banging each other. Downsides: I’m not sure how long that can last at this line, I guess that’s a suspension not a colloid/solution using the chemistry language of my youth. Any thoughts? And thanks for your attention. Hello sir , my suggestions would be to consider the years of marriage you have already had, been through, and will continue to have. Knowing that marriage is forever until one of you passes and then you are free to remarry . I would not suggest ever being in a position that can be … unhealthy and will almost certainly be found out by your wife, that you are cheating, though you are not. Should you need to allow the business partner to go to protect your marriage , then do that and know it is for the better of your marriage. Thank you and be encouraged that your marriage can be improved, if you and your wife are willing to work on it.
ShatteredLady Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I've been on this forum for about a year now. I wasn't reading & writing that whole time. This is the first forum, blog, books, whatever on this kind of subject I've ever had experience of. Occasionally there are "Why get married? What's the point?" kind of threads & you get all kinds of different responses. I believe, at the end of the day, some are romantics who like the idea of living & growing with one special person, through thick & thin. You know?!? Some simply aren't built that way. They can still be romantics but like the chase & the high of new partners. To be honest I never really liked dating. Sitting in a restaurant with a relative stranger, playing the dating game is a nightmare to me! I'm shy. I like comfort, safety, security, family. That makes me happy. Neither is right or wrong. Just different people. Different nature & nurture. I DO believe "Do no harm!" though. At the moment you are in danger of doing a LOT of harm to people that you claim to care about AND yourself! The reading I have done & my life experience has taught me that affairs generally cause so very much pain, devastation. As others have said, you're at an age that you could split you & your W's money between the lawyers & each-other. Walk away & live the life that you want. Why not? You have money, you think you're attractive to the opposite sex. Know yourself! What regrets are you going to have at the end of the day? If you truly enjoy the high & passion & chase of early relationships....get divorced & enjoy yourself. Live YOUR life. 2
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