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Everything was perfect, than he drunk called me and said Im a friend he has sex with?

kitana2010

By kitana2010
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kitana2010 Member

kitana2010

Posted
Posted

I've had terrible luck with relationships.. and part of that is my naivety..

 

been dating this guy for a month now, and even tho its early on the connection is unlike anything I've experienced. He felt it too, because he was the first to mention it.

 

(back story)

before last night, he had said on several occasions he thinks he is falling for me, thinks he might love me, told his family and friends of me, had me meet his son, talked a lot about the fireworks he feels with me, ect. Everything was perfect, almost too perfect.

 

Than last night he called me, and I think he had been drinking. Said he donated plasma and hadnt eaten but had had a couple beers. The talk was fine, but than it turned to sex and he said he felt guilty every time we had sex. Said he doesnt want this to only be sex (and its true, the sex is insane). He said we click sexually on a level hes never experienced, and he THINKS we click on a mental level too. Said he isnt sure if its just pure lust or not. Than rambled for a bit and ended with he sees me as a friend he also has sex with.

 

At this point he needed to hang up to check out (was at store) and said he would call me right back.

 

I have really strong feelings for him, more than sexual. So after he hung up I cried. I texted him and said I was going to bed and we could talk later, I also explained I was a little bothered and hurt by what he had said, but thanked him for letting me know what level he was on and said I didnt understand because just the other day he was writing me a poem and telling me how hard he was falling than today he just sees me as a friend he has sex with. Told him I cant do friends with benefits if that's where he was going with it, because I do have stronger feelings.. and said goodnight.

 

he blew up my phone after that, I finally answered (phone was on silent) and he was upset. Said I misunderstood. He said he doesnt want me as a booty call (which I explained was a fear of kine much earlier because guys have done that too me and him and I havent even been on a real date yet, just hangout and talking). He said he does want more. Wants to be my boyfriend, and share his life with me, but than went back to what he said before...

 

I said I understood because of how panicked he sounded, but I really dont...

 

Can any guys make sense of this.. I feel as tho he doesnt feel strongly for me aside from the sex.. and I'm terrified of being used again..

Bossanova New Member

Bossanova

Posted
Posted

I think perhaps he just phrased it really badly and it was meant as a good thing- like he considers you a really great friend and also has really great sex with you. Like a fantastic relationship should be- if you're not friends, you have little to build on

  • Like 4
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

You can't fix it via text.

 

 

Arrange a face to face & sober ask him what he meant. I too think it was just a bad word choice by somebody who had been drinking. It think it was more positive then bad but you do have to clarify.

 

 

If he does only see you as a FWB, since you have feelings for him you will need to walk away to protect yourself.

  • Like 2
Lois_Griffin Established Member

Lois_Griffin

Posted
Posted

So let me get this straight.

 

The only thing you've ever done with this guy is 'hang out' and eventually started having sex during your hangouts.

 

Maybe I'm just old and that's what young people think is 'dating' now - sitting around each others place, watching movies and having sex. Be still my beating heart.

 

You need to have some basic expectations in life. When you have NO expectations whatsoever, this is what you settle for.

 

I mean, come on. This troglodyte can't take you out for a lousy burger at the diner in town? A cup of coffee somewhere? A few drinks at the local pub? An inexpensive dinner at a local restaurant?

 

Seriously?

 

If this bullcrap is the stuff you've been settling for, I can certainly see why you say you've had terrible luck with relationships.

 

It's because you don't VALUE yourself enough.

  • Like 5
Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

Posted
Posted

I agree that this was likely just a case of drunken clumsy phrasing, that he meant as positive. I wouldn't worry about it, or stir any more drama over it, unless you see other signs that he views you as just a friend with benefits.

  • Like 1
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kitana2010 Member

kitana2010

Posted
  • Author
Posted
So let me get this straight.

 

The only thing you've ever done with this guy is 'hang out' and eventually started having sex during your hangouts.

 

Maybe I'm just old and that's what young people think is 'dating' now - sitting around each others place, watching movies and having sex. Be still my beating heart.

 

You need to have some basic expectations in life. When you have NO expectations whatsoever, this is what you settle for.

 

I mean, come on. This troglodyte can't take you out for a lousy burger at the diner in town? A cup of coffee somewhere? A few drinks at the local pub? An inexpensive dinner at a local restaurant?

 

Seriously?

 

If this bullcrap is the stuff you've been settling for, I can certainly see why you say you've had terrible luck with relationships.

 

It's because you don't VALUE yourself enough.

 

 

I have to clarify because I can totally see why your saying this. To keep the post shorter I didnt add details, but we DO do stuff other than netflix and chill. Neither of us has a ton of money atm, but we have done the coffee dates, lunch, walks and by "hangout" I meant I host a game night at my place he has attended which is board games and card games with several friends. It hasnt been like that at all. I just wanted to make sure that was said.

 

His actions have always been honorable and have always matched his words.. until last night. Maybe the others are right about a poor choice of words. He is supposed.to call me tonight after work, possibly come over to talk face to face so I guess I'll find out more than.. it just really shook me up, considering how well we were progressing.

Lois_Griffin Established Member

Lois_Griffin

Posted
Posted
I have to clarify because I can totally see why your saying this. To keep the post shorter I didnt add details, but we DO do stuff other than netflix and chill. Neither of us has a ton of money atm, but we have done the coffee dates, lunch, walks and by "hangout" I meant I host a game night at my place he has attended which is board games and card games with several friends. It hasnt been like that at all. I just wanted to make sure that was said.

Well damn, you're the second poster to do this to me THIS week - not clarify that you DO go out on dates! :laugh: Yes, from your post, I assumed you just hung out at his place and had sex because you said "we haven't been out on a proper date yet."

 

In either event, I think booze is kind of a truth serum. It takes away our 'filter' and we say things we might have thought but KNOW we'd never say when we're sober. But I think there's a definite element of truth to what he said. He just didn't have his filter in place and that's what came out.

 

I definitely wouldn't chalk it up to JUST drunken, nonsense rambling. I think there's an element of truth behind it, even though he regrets that it came out sounding that way and now he's backpedaling like crazy to take it back.

  • Like 4
Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted

I too think it was just awkward phrasing on his part. I'm sure he'll explain himself better later.

Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

OP, I agree with Lois here.

 

There is an expression in UK that goes something like "when people are mad or drunk, what comes out of their mouth is usually the truth"

 

And what's with him calling you up when he's drunk? That's just plain bad manners.

I personally wouldn't take drunk calls off anyone, I'd ask them to ring back when they were sober. :rolleyes:

 

The guy has no class and personally I'd ditch him. Sorry x

Cinnamonstix Established Member

Cinnamonstix

Posted
Posted (edited)

Let's recap. In his drunken call to you he said:

 

-he feels guilty every time you have sex

-you click sexually

-he THINKS you click on a mental level too

-he isn't sure if its just pure lust or not

-he sees you as a friend that he also has sex with

 

Then he backtracks:

 

-he doesn't want you as a booty call

-he does want more

-wants to be your boyfriend

-wants to share his life with you

-then went back to what he said before

 

That's quite the difference. I would almost interpret his backtracking as this:

 

-he doesn't want you as a booty call (it makes him feel guilty and ultimately he wants to have a relationship with someone)

-he WANTS to want more with you

-he WANTS to want to be your boyfriend

-he WANTS to want to share his life with you

-so really it's the same as what he said before

 

I agree with Lois about the truth serum. I think that he let it all out because he was feeling guilty, but then backtracked because he doesn't want to completely lose what you have going on and/or felt bad for hurting your feelings.

Edited by Cinnamonstix
  • Like 1
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

I think he was just being clumsy, and you are over reacting. Don't ruin a good thing. Please just let it go.

 

Sometimes guys get afraid of what they are feeling......

Saracena Established Member

Saracena

Posted
Posted (edited)
..

he said he felt guilty every time we had sex. Said he doesnt want this to only be sex (and its true, the sex is insane). He said we click sexually on a .. Said he isnt sure if its just pure lust or not. Than rambled for a bit and ended with he sees me as a friend he also has sex with. .QUOTE]

 

 

The use of this word that would concern me, frankly.Something was clearly bothering him here. Why on earth would he feel guilty otherwise? Perhaps he's a bit confused. I certainly hope this is the case for your sake. IMO, it's always best to hang back on the sex, for this reason. It can cloud things.

 

 

If, as you say you have strong feelings for him I would pull back a bit just in case.

Edited by Saracena
  • Like 1
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
..

he said he felt guilty every time we had sex. Said he doesnt want this to only be sex (and its true, the sex is insane). He said we click sexually on a .. Said he isnt sure if its just pure lust or not. Than rambled for a bit and ended with he sees me as a friend he also has sex with.

 

 

The use of this word that would concern me, frankly.

 

And me.

Why is he feeling guilty after sex?

 

In this forum the group of men that keep feeling "guilty" after sex are married or attached men cheating on their wives or gfs.

Be careful.

 

It may explain also why he using the "friend" word here too.

  • Like 1
Cinnamonstix Established Member

Cinnamonstix

Posted
Posted
And me.

Why is he feeling guilty after sex?

 

In this forum the group of men that keep feeling "guilty" after sex are married or attached men cheating on their wives or gfs.

Be careful.

 

It may explain also why he using the "friend" word here too.

 

The guilty part stuck out for me too. While I don't think he is necessarily cheating on someone else with you, I think he feels guilty for leading you on.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
The guilty part stuck out for me too. While I don't think he is necessarily cheating on someone else with you, I think he feels guilty for leading you on.

 

That is possibly true, but this fantastic connection never before experienced, does sound a bit like the wooing style of the MM/cheater too.

Saracena Established Member

Saracena

Posted
Posted
The guilty part stuck out for me too. While I don't think he is necessarily cheating on someone else with you, I think he feels guilty for leading you on.

 

OR he realises OP is much further along that HE currently is or, although it's very early days, he has fears he may never be on the same page as her. Difficult to tell since it's only been a month, but even so, he senses something isn't quite right about how he's 'feeling'.

introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

Posted
Posted

And what's with him calling you up when he's drunk? That's just plain bad manners.

 

And in a store. :eek:

 

Don't think I have ever called someone whilst shopping in order to have a "state of the relationship" discussion.

 

Something is off here.

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