Should I tolerate this? Please help. It's about my future as his wife or not.

June 20, 2005

Let me say I really appreciate your guys' input. I cannot really talk about this one with my friends as they are all very traditional.

I have been with this guy for almost three years. He is great. Has never let me down. And I consider myself very lucky to be his future wife (he bought me a wonderful engagement ring two months ago).

I have been blessed to receive so much love. In fact, I sometimes even feel like I don't deserve him. He's very good looking (popular with girls), makes very good money, considerate and smart. Also he gets along with everyone.... And the most important thing: he loves me with all his heart, tells me so a lot and all his friends are very happy for him and tell me that they've never seen him like this.

Fact is: he proposed, which put me in a stage of such happiness!! And we are looking forward to our live together. He will be a great husband, dad and I fully trust him when it comes to faithfulnes.

Now you all think: what the fu** is her problem???!!!

It goes like this: he has one drawback. He is English, went to one of the best boarding school but comes from a really rotten family. He got very attached to his friends (we don't live in England) so he doesn't see them too often. They all are very rich but also mostly brought up in unstable families and they all like to do a line of coke every now and then.

The problem I have is: there is about three occasions a year (especially stag weekends) where these blokes will party it up BIG TIME! Go to clubs, do drugs and come home at like 9 in the morning.

My fiance is very good at calling me on these nights out or at least send me the odd sms. But fact is: they do get extremely drunk and take drugs.

I have seen him on coke (we have done it together a few times). I didn't notice any more flirting or looking at girls. (He's a very unflirty person, another reason why I trust him).

But fact is: when he is on a stag weekend or on a night out in London it KILLS me!!!! I don't have one calm moment but cannot stand the fact that he is all "lucid" and I don't REALLY know what he is up to.

Even if it only happens twice or three times a year, my opinion is that by 34 (his age) this sort of behaviour is intolerable. Actually I rephrase: A married man shouldn't put his wife through these sort of worries. I mean, it just literally kills me not knowing what they're up to!

Should I just accept it. Let me repeat. He is a great great guy. Talking to him doesn't really help. He can see my point but just likes to party it up on rare occasions.

Please , please help!

Thank you SOO much

June 20, 2005

I would suggest not setting a wedding date just yet. Tell him once he kicks his drug habit (and yours as well) you will marry him. If that means kicking his "friend habit" well, you are much more important (or should be).

June 20, 2005

but.... can you call it a drug habit if he takes coke twice a year?

Just asking?

June 20, 2005

Originally posted by desert moon
But ... can you call it a drug habit if he takes coke twice a year?

Just asking?

Perhaps not a habit. But you can still make a choice not to tolerate drugs in your life at all, regardless of how often. Would you tolerate cheating if it were only a couple times per year? I doubt it. Of course, it's entirely your choice what you will and wont tolerate, but you have to communicate it to him and see what choices he makes, because you can't force him to stop either. But I would wait on the wedding date until the two of you have come to some sort of agreement on the subject.

June 20, 2005

There's NO WAY IN HELL I'd accept that.

If he wants to play family man, he needs to ditch the coke and the wild nights out.

It doesn't mix.

June 20, 2005

What things do you imagine when you're sitting around worrying about what he's doing?

**In my opinion, the drugs should probably stop, but I don't see why he can't go out with them and not use drugs.

June 20, 2005

Originally posted by desert moon
Let me say I really appreciate your guys' input. I cannot really talk about this one with my friends as they are all very traditional.

I have been with this guy for almost three years. He is great. Has never let me down. And I consider myself very lucky to be his future wife (he bought me a wonderful engagement ring two months ago).

I have been blessed to receive so much love. In fact, I sometimes even feel like I don't deserve him. He's very good looking (popular with girls), makes very good money, considerate and smart. Also he gets along with everyone.... And the most important thing: he loves me with all his heart, tells me so a lot and all his friends are very happy for him and tell me that they've never seen him like this.

Fact is: he proposed, which put me in a stage of such happiness!! And we are looking forward to our live together. He will be a great husband, dad and I fully trust him when it comes to faithfulnes.

Now you all think: what the fu** is her problem???!!!

Actually, that's not what I was thinking. I was waiting to hear the things about your relationship that were actually good. Not how good your guy is on paper, how expensive of a ring he bought you, or how much he would impress your friends (good looking, popular, etc). None of that is important. The only detail important to your relationship that I saw is that he has never let you down. Even the fact that he tells his friends how happy he is and how much he loves you is irrelevant to how he treats you.

But fact is: when he is on a stag weekend or on a night out in London it KILLS me!!!! I don't have one calm moment but cannot stand the fact that he is all "lucid" and I don't REALLY know what he is up to.

Even if it only happens twice or three times a year, my opinion is that by 34 (his age) this sort of behaviour is intolerable. Actually I rephrase: A married man shouldn't put his wife through these sort of worries. I mean, it just literally kills me not knowing what they're up to!

Should I just accept it. Let me repeat. He is a great great guy. Talking to him doesn't really help. He can see my point but just likes to party it up on rare occasions.

From what you wrote, it sounds like you have a guy who's great at first, but somewhat of a loser when you dig deeper.

If you dont' want to be married to a guy who still goes on drug binges, ask him to stop. Hold off on the wedding until you find out if he's going to follow through. If he doesn't, then maybe he's not the guy you want to marry.

June 21, 2005

wow! I didn't quite expect such negative replies! But I do appreciate your inputs!

Relationships are tough i guess :-(

June 21, 2005

Originally posted by desert moon
wow! I didn't quite expect such negative replies! But I do appreciate your inputs!

Relationships are tough i guess :-(

Don't be surprised. LS loves to demonize people for their behavior and turn anyone that someone posts about into a monster.

I'd ask him to stop the drugs, but I don't see any reason why he can't have his three nights out a year! He sounds like a great guy - why are you worrying so much?

June 21, 2005

if the drugs and excessive drinking bother you, let him know and hope he will tone it down a bit. also if you do drugs with him, then you may be sending him mixed messages.

but your post seems like it is not really the drugs that are bothering you so much as you not knowing what he is "really out doing". the nights out are totally acceptable. no matter how old or how married he gets, he should still be able to hang out with his friends. in fact, three times a year is very rare.

he is taking his life and health into his own hands and if that bothers you, you need to express it even if you think he does not listen. however, if you are basing whether or not you want to marry him because he likes to hang out with his friends and you think he may be doing something other than what he tells you, then the problem is not drugs and alchohol. it is a trust issue.

some things you simply do not have to accept. some things you do, and if you want to have any kind of healthy long term relationship, you have to be able to tolerate the other person spending time with their friends...

friends or spending time with friends is not some habit that needs to be kicked (unless they are a danger to you or they are bringing you down in which case they are not your friends). it is a perfectly normal part of life. you do not walk away from friends when you meet your partner. you may have to compromise and spend less time with them (seems like he has no problem with this). you need not over do it, i agree.

i wanted to make mention of something. do not consider this an invasion of privacy. if you do not feel you want to reply, please don't but crazy_grl has a point. when i was reading your post, your man sounds like a wonderful guy on paper. you explained the qualities of a catch that most women would want. but i didn't get a sense of how you really feel about him. you said you feel like you don't deserve him. why? i may be way off the mark, but my question is... are you thinking of marrying this guy just because you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him, or simply because he is a good catch? not an accusation by any means. i just didn't get enough from the original post.

June 21, 2005

Pocky and Noname: thanks a lot for your "in depth" reply. They seemed a bit more "thought over" than the other ones. Sorry :-(

I am very bad at writing. My mother tongue is not English. I didn't mean to paint a picture of a "great guy on paper". I was just writing away and it is easier to write about the obvious qualities someone has than writing about deeper ones (character and such).

Someone stated that he sounds like a loser deep inside. I can only deny that. But he has had a very troubled childhood (being sent to boarding school at seven, seeing his parents twice a year (they lived in a different country) and going through very nasty fights his parents had.

As I have already stated that's where his strong bond with his buddies comes from who have gone to the same schools.

And yes, you're right you should never stop anyone from hanging out with their friends! But that is not the point. I even encourage him to go and play squash with his friends or go skiing with them etc. But no, I will never encourage him to get completely drunk and hang out in clubs with them until the early morning! It's not so much that I don't trust him but you invite awkward situations like that and I'm sure he has the odd girl hitting on him in a club.

Pocky: you're right I should talk to him about the cocaine. Even if it is only once/twice a year it destroys our relationship and will destroy our marriage.

Not sure whether he will see it that clearly. After all, most of his friends are happily married with children. And from what I see they make good husbands. Even though they have their wild night every now and then .

Tough one!

June 21, 2005

Oh and maybe something else.

About "trust issues". I have been two-times MISERABLY by my ex-boyfriend!! He cheated on me about 4 times and the funny thing is: I never "sensed" anything!!??

So, I think that with my boyfriend of three years I am more insecure than he would be unfaithful. But nights out in clubs just aren't very reassuring.

June 21, 2005

Originally posted by desert moon
Oh and maybe something else.

About "trust issues". I have been two-times MISERABLY by my ex-boyfriend!! He cheated on me about 4 times and the funny thing is: I never "sensed" anything!!??

So, I think that with my boyfriend of three years I am more insecure than he would be unfaithful. But nights out in clubs just aren't very reassuring.

i hear you. thanks for elaborating. it all comes down to how trustworthy you think he is. girls are going to hit on him wherever he is. maybe at the squash courts. maybe at work. that's the breaks. you have to believe in him..

just to let you know... not every man is out at some bar waiting to flirt with the next girl. i am in a happy relationship. nearly every week, i go out to a club sunday morning from 4 to 12:30 in the afternoon. i am not out drinking and chatting up girls. i am a house dancer. i will dance for ten hours straight and come home to my woman, and she has to come to grips with that. i used to do it several times a week. i toned it down because i am in a relationship and she does not like to go out much let alone all night. that is compromise. but she understands that it is in my blood and dancing and flipping and spinning is what truly makes me happy. and she trusts me. i am sure every once in a while she worries that some girl may catch my eye, but if she cannot trust me, then she needs not be with me.

my point is that, you may not know what he is doing all night. but that doesn't mean he is up to no good. you can't live your life constantly worrying about what he will do when he is not around you or else you guys couldn't even go to work.

let him go out. in fact go out yourself every once in a while. it may open you up a little. seriously, talk to him about the substance abuse thing. if you are willing to compromise, he should be able to meet you halfway. good luck...

and oh yeah. i am not saying to be naive. if he gives you signals that there is something to worry about. worry. but do not dictate this relationship on a bad past experience. that can get real ugly...

June 21, 2005

Originally posted by desert moon
Pocky and Noname: thanks a lot for your "in depth" reply. They seemed a bit more "thought over" than the other ones. Sorry :-(

"Thought over"? Plah. Or just the fact like you didn't like everyone else's answer? Big difference.

And let's just say this, when you're three years into this marriage and he's still coking it out at some club when you're at home big, fat, and pregnant....come back and post about how he's still doing it, because he never stopped.

Then tiki will repeat her same words.

There's NO WAY IN HELL I'd accept that.

If he wants to play family man, he needs to ditch the coke and the wild nights out.

It doesn't mix.

Then we'll see how much thought was put into it.

Good luck!

June 21, 2005

In my opinion, you can't hold others accountable for past relationships. Like any relationship, you will always run the chance of experiencing infidelity. The only way to completely remove that possibility from your life is to not have a relationship.

He could cheat. Anyone could cheat. You either worry about and deny yourself a wonderful relationship or you accept that there's really nothing you can do to stop it from happening. In my opinion, love is worth the risk you take. I'd rather have that than shut myself off simply because I was hurt by someone else in a previous relationship.

Again, I'd talk to him about the coke. He's obviously not an addict if he's only doing it three times a year and I can't really see that it's imperative to him having a good time if they're out going to clubs.

June 22, 2005

Originally posted by tiki
"Thought over"? Plah. Or just the fact like you didn't like everyone else's answer? Big difference.

And let's just say this, when you're three years into this marriage and he's still coking it out at some club when you're at home big, fat, and pregnant....come back and post about how he's still doing it, because he never stopped.

Then tiki will repeat her same words.

Then we'll see how much thought was put into it.

Good luck!

Tiki: I can't quite see why you are so "militant" in your answer. I believe people have flaws and I haven't hidden the fact that my future husband has got flaws. It does NOT mean that he will leave me sitting at home fat and pregnant in three years time.

As I said before: I don't feel that he has ever let me down in those last three years. Even when he's out partying and having get togethers with his friends he will send me the odd sms or call me at say 3 in the morning where he sneaks out of a club to call his girlfriend and doesn't mind his buddies teasing him for it.

What I'm saying is: he doesn't actually forget everything around him those few times he goes out and I hardly believe that he would forget about the fact that the woman he married is sitting at home pregnant.

Also as noname stated: some people just enjoy clubbing heaps without any bad intention. I am not trying to make it any better than it is but I refuse to assume that he will "abandon me" with my fat belly just because he likes to party it up every six months or so.

Pocky: I will talk to him about the coke. But I already know that it will be hard for him to say no when he meets up with his friends and everyone else is doing a line.

And in the end I probably prefer him doing the odd line twice a year and telling me than lying about it.... and start doing things behind my back.

After all that's another thing I appreciate about him. That he is an honest person and if he doesn't lie about doing drugs (despite the fact that I usually create a thing) chances are probably better he isn't lying about girls either.

June 22, 2005

If there's nothing wrong with what he's doing, i don't understand the point of posting to get opinions? You're obviously okay with what he's doing. I'm just sayin that if it were my man, I wouldn't be okay with it.

People have flaws. It's up to you to decide whether or not those flaws are acceptable. Personally, those flaws aren't acceptable for someone of my age and someone with my needs. I have a child to take care of. That doesn't make me wrong, nor you wrong. It's all in what you need or want.

Militant. Hmmm. I like that!

June 22, 2005

Originally posted by desert moon
Someone stated that he sounds like a loser deep inside. I can only deny that. But he has had a very troubled childhood (being sent to boarding school at seven, seeing his parents twice a year (they lived in a different country) and going through very nasty fights his parents had.

In my opinion, someone who does coke is a loser, and is also too weak to deal with their problems without the aid of some substance. And everyone has to deal with their bad childhood. A lot of people's were worse than his and they don't go on coke binges.

That's just my opinion though. I know many people wouldn't share it. If you see things differently, that's great. You're the one going to marry him, not me. It doesn't matter what I think of him.

Originally posted by tiki
If there's nothing wrong with what he's doing, i don't understand the point of posting to get opinions? You're obviously okay with what he's doing.

My thoughts exactly. You posted originally as though you had a problem with his behavior, and when people gave you their opinions on the problem, you defended those actions and talked about how it's not a problem, he calls you when he's out, and you trust him. So if you don't see anything wrong with it, then don't worry about it. Get married and have a great life.

June 22, 2005

Originally posted by Pocky
Don't be surprised. LS loves to demonize people for their behavior and turn anyone that someone posts about into a monster.

Actually, I think it's more a matter of giving people the harsh truth and/or worst case scenario, because people recognize that when someone is in a relationship, they're often blinded by it and only see that person through glasses made of hearts and flowers.

There are very few people who are here just to demonize others and treat the poster's like monsters. The responses are mostly well-intentioned and only seem harsh out of a desire not to let someone get hurt.

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Should I tolerate this? Please help. It's about my future as his wife or not.

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