Male perspective needed

May 4, 2016

Several months ago, I met a guy at a concert and we had a crazy instant connection. I was instantly attracted to him and was the one to do the approaching. We hung out several times after that and had the kind of connection where we would talk with no awkward silences for hours. We both had not been with anyone else in over 6 months (for many reasons I have no doubt he was being honest). After hooking up for a few weeks, we got into a disagreement and I ended things. I still really liked him and somewhat regretted it at the time, but he didn't have a lot of experience with women and didn't know how to treat me in certain situations because of it. He wasn't a jerk or anything, just very clueless and inexperienced in ways other men are not.

It might be relevant to say that I have an interesting type of guys I'm attracted to, not the typical tall muscular guys most women like. He's not bad looking whatsoever but isn't what most girls would consider hot and is very insecure. He was really nervous when I approached him and once told me he's really insecure about his looks and not being very muscular. As for me, physically, I have the "barbie" type look (huge boobs, slim, long hair, etc) He told me he never usually gets those types of girls and was surprised I liked him etc

Anyways, after ending things we didn't really talk but he liked some of my photos and watched all my snapchat stories. I ran into him again about 2 weeks ago at a different concert (we like all the same artists lol). Upon running into him he instantly told me he was having an STD scare and I was the last person he slept with, later it turned out to just be a pimple but point being I'm the last person he was with. (This is what I mean by clueless with women...who asks that to someone you havent seen in awhile without actually getting tested first). Anyways I drunkenly hooked up with him (oops) and the next morning before leaving he "jokingly" asks to borrow money. I got mad and basically told him there's no way I was lending him jacksh*t and pretty much said it in exactly that way. He claimed he "wasn't being serious." (Side note: I am an exotic dancer and he has known this from day one, which is why I think he made that "joke". To be fair it's pretty obvious I wasn't going to say yes so he could have actually not meant it seriously)

Lord knows why but my attraction for him rekindled after hooking up, I realized I initiated the hookup at the concert for a reason. Energy-wise I'm just drawn to him for some reason. I later texted him and said sorry I was so harsh in my response to his (maybe joke) question, I actually had a lot of fun, and to have a good night. He replied "You too" and that was all. ?

At this point I assumed he had lost any geniune interest that may have been there before and I should move on. *But then* he texts me the next day and asks how my day was, etc. I responded with the same distantness/coolness he had for me the previous day and ever since I haven't heard from him.

Obviously, this sounds like he just lost interest. However there are a few things confusing me about this situation and making me wonder if he deep down had feelings and I scared him off. These reasons are:

-on my snapchat story, it was apparent I was hanging out with another guy (just a friend I'd never sleep with but he's not aware of this, and he saw the story the day after we texted). There was a girl in the story too but I'm thinking since he's super insecure he may think I'm putting him into a competition or playing games

-he still watches every single one of my snapchat stories

-If I'm the only girl he's had sexual access to in awhile, how would it make sense for him to 86 me? Even if I was only a piece of @ss to him wouldn't he at least text me again to keep me in his booty zone? (lol) I realize he could have met someone else right after we banged or something but like I said based on him and the circumstances I really don't think anyone else has come along recently

I guess all I can do is move on at this point, I'm just left feeling really confused and am curious from a guys perspective what he may be thinking. We are both in our early to mid 20's, thanks

Side note: for reference of his dating standards, one of his ex gfs (I happen to know her through mutual friends) is not only not traditionally attractive whatsoever, but is a HUGE b-word to guys she dates and complains constantly. If he was willing to date her it baffles me why I appear to not have made the cut

Edited May 4, 2016 by somechick99

May 4, 2016

-If I'm the only girl he's had sexual access to in awhile, how would it make sense for him to 86 me? Even if I was only a piece of @ss to him wouldn't he at least text me again to keep me in his booty zone? (lol) I realize he could have met someone else right after we banged or something but like I said based on him and the circumstances I really don't think anyone else has come along recently

Because he's not that kind of guy, the the kind of guy you are used to. After you snapping at him and seeing you with that guy, he has decided it would be best to back off....he feels this is too much trouble, because of his insecurity/cluelessness.

May 4, 2016

You dumped him and then later had a fling with him. There isn't much else to this story. Your initial rejection, combined with his low self-esteem, will keep his interest at a minimum level. You want him to feed your ego. Maybe he will eventually, or you can try to send him another text. If you're not interested in romance or love, keep doing what you're doing.

-Male perspective

May 4, 2016

Because he's not that kind of guy, the the kind of guy you are used to. After you snapping at him and seeing you with that guy, he has decided it would be best to back off....he feels this is too much trouble, because of his insecurity/cluelessness.

Hmm thanks for your perspective, you're right about him being different than what I'm used to. It's been long enough at this point I've tried going on a date with a different guy who is pretty cute but this guy still is the one I think about before going to sleep at night. Should I tell him I sent him the wrong signals on accident and actually miss him or is this a lost cause at this point

May 4, 2016

You dumped him and then later had a fling with him. There isn't much else to this story. Your initial rejection, combined with his low self-esteem, will keep his interest at a minimum level. You want him to feed your ego. Maybe he will eventually, or you can try to send him another text. If you're not interested in romance or love, keep doing what you're doing.

-Male perspective

Thanks for your thoughts. So are you saying he's expecting he'll be rejected if he hits me up again?

And you're right, my ego cannot wrap itself around why he would not pursue me any further when I know he hasn't had many hookups in general, yet alone with good looking women. I know that's a bad way to view it though and that egos are not logical

May 4, 2016

Thanks for your thoughts. So are you saying he's expecting he'll be rejected if he hits me up again?

You're welcome. What I'm saying is you dumped him. Why should you expect anything else to occur?

Let me ask you a better question: What is it that you want to happen?

May 4, 2016

You're welcome. What I'm saying is you dumped him. Why should you expect anything else to occur?

Let me ask you a better question: What is it that you want to happen?

I guess I expected more to occur since I went out of my way to re-pursue him, then texted him that I had fun after to let him know we were cool. I guess what Id want to happen is giving it another shot or going on another date...or even chilling as friends. I just miss him in general and dumped him pretty hastily without thinking things through originally

May 4, 2016

I guess I expected more to occur since I went out of my way to re-pursue him, then texted him that I had fun after to let him know we were cool. I guess what Id want to happen is giving it another shot or going on another date...or even chilling as friends. I just miss him in general and dumped him pretty hastily without thinking things through originally

If you want to get back together, you'll get a quicker answer if you just tell him that. It will be a lot quicker than texting a few words and seeing if he will respond. Doesn't that game tire you? It sounds like you are giving breadcrumbs, and that is probably not the best thing that you'd want to do if your hope is to get into a healthy relationship.

May 4, 2016

If you want to get back together, you'll get a quicker answer if you just tell him that. It will be a lot quicker than texting a few words and seeing if he will respond. Doesn't that game tire you? It sounds like you are giving breadcrumbs, and that is probably not the best thing that you'd want to do if your hope is to get into a healthy relationship.

You're right, I've been playing games with someone who is direct and have thus turned him off. I'm considering sending a message saying that I miss chilling with him even if just as friends and to let me know if he wants to kick it again sometime, and if not that's chill.

Thanks again

May 4, 2016

From a guys point of view I'll just tell you that you are reading way too much into his social media/snap chat activity for one thing, and placing your own assumptions about why he's looking at your snap/IG posts.

That's overanalyzing it way too much. If he opens snapchat and see you posted a story, he's just opening it along with all the others that are on his page... Why? Because that's the whole point of snapchat lol. I have a bunch of girls I previously hooked up, slept with, dated over the years on my snapchat and IG... And just because I see they viewed my post, or liked a pic... That doesn't mean that they still have feelings for me and want to subtly get my attention or let me know they're checking out what I'm doing/posting.

So overall I'd just recommended reading less into things like this. At the end of the day, as a guy, when we look at a post or like it, it doesn't mean anything more/deeper . Just a split second tap of the finger without any motive behind it. Sorry. Just the way it is 98% of the time.

I also thing you probably divulged a bit too much into about yourself and experience than you maybe should have with a guy who has a personality/experience level like he does. If he's not used to a forward girl who initiates, and you slept with him on the first meeting, then again at the 2nd concert..I apologize if this comes off as too honest or blunt but I can see how this guy particularly might feel It establishes you as your stereotypical "exotic dancer" in his mind and making him think less about wining and dining you and taking you on dates...and more about just hitting you up sparingly, with very basic/surface level convos....

He's just not used to how to date someone like yourself and is defaulting to just keeping the line of communication open and possibly getting laid here and there going forward.

When he says things to you like he did with the STD comment, you should've/should call him out on that stuff and take offense. "Honestly, for someone in their 20's, I would think you have more common sense and class then to just say/imply something like that"

I mean cmon... A pimple? Usually if a guy thinks he caught something, he double checks and 100% makes sure it isn't something as silly as a pimple before he takes the incredibly awkward and direct route of confronting their previous partner about it. Shows a lack of concern for your feelings and makes me wonder if he would've handled it the same way if you had told him you were a teacher or nurse and not a stripper.

May 4, 2016

Ok some thoughts for you:

1. You're judging him and his perceived lack of interest based on his curt text reply. Love, we are talking about a dude here. We men have notoriously awful text habits. You might as well be trying to divine our emotional state by the way we part our hair. Just isn't going to happen. And then when you were all cold the next day he probably assumed you werent interested.

2. So this guy probably sees you as out of his league appearance wise. And you said he has low confidence. So that is probably true. I want you to imagine the tables turned. Imagine you meet a guy that you think is way out of your league - maybe he is British aristocracy or maybe some sort of super smart guy. I dunno - just pick one. Now imagine you have this amazing connection and you start to date. The whole time you're like "pinch me I must be dreaming". Now imagine after a bit he breaks up withere you for some reason you probably don't think is valid or the actual reason. He rejects you.

Fast forward a couple of months and you run into him. You end up in his bed. Wouldn't you still be a little gun shy? Like maybe he was just slumming or something. Like you were an amusement to him? Wouldn't you keep your cards close to your chest? Imagine that you are all chipper on text a couple of days later and he was cold. Wouldn't that just confirm your story you made up about just being an amusement to him?

That might be what is happening here.

Anyhow, stuff to try on and see if it fits.

May 4, 2016

From a guys point of view I'll just tell you that you are reading way too much into his social media/snap chat activity for one thing, and placing your own assumptions about why he's looking at your snap/IG posts.

That's overanalyzing it way too much. If he opens snapchat and see you posted a story, he's just opening it along with all the others that are on his page... Why? Because that's the whole point of snapchat lol. I have a bunch of girls I previously hooked up, slept with, dated over the years on my snapchat and IG... And just because I see they viewed my post, or liked a pic... That doesn't mean that they still have feelings for me and want to subtly get my attention or let me know they're checking out what I'm doing/posting.

So overall I'd just recommended reading less into things like this. At the end of the day, as a guy, when we look at a post or like it, it doesn't mean anything more/deeper . Just a split second tap of the finger without any motive behind it. Sorry. Just the way it is 98% of the time.

I also thing you probably divulged a bit too much into about yourself and experience than you maybe should have with a guy who has a personality/experience level like he does. If he's not used to a forward girl who initiates, and you slept with him on the first meeting, then again at the 2nd concert..I apologize if this comes off as too honest or blunt but I can see how this guy particularly might feel It establishes you as your stereotypical "exotic dancer" in his mind and making him think less about wining and dining you and taking you on dates...and more about just hitting you up sparingly, with very basic/surface level convos....

He's just not used to how to date someone like yourself and is defaulting to just keeping the line of communication open and possibly getting laid here and there going forward.
When he says things to you like he did with the STD comment, you should've/should call him out on that stuff and take offense. "Honestly, for someone in their 20's, I would think you have more common sense and class then to just say/imply something like that"
I mean cmon... A pimple? Usually if a guy thinks he caught something, he double checks and 100% makes sure it isn't something as silly as a pimple before he takes the incredibly awkward and direct route of confronting their previous partner about it. Shows a lack of concern for your feelings and makes me wonder if he would've handled it the same way if you had told him you were a teacher or nurse and not a stripper.

I admit I considered this too about the stripper thing. One thing I didn't mention is he confessed in the past about having gone to one of the grosser strip clubs in town and having gotten tricked into a VIP room thinking he was going to get sex and didn't. I didn't judge him since he seemed cool about me being a dancer but I guess I find it really maddening he may be judging my dancing when he's done an equally if not more dirty thing on a similar level.

I did call him out about the STD thing and he later apologized, I really don't know if me being a dancer is why he did that or like I said if he's just clueless.

At this point in your opinion should I assume I'm in "just sex" category in his mind and not talk to him again/ignore my feelings? I really don't know why they're even there lol.

Typing all this has made me realize I do like him but I've deep down been worried he lost respect for me since I'm a dancer and don't want to put myself out there for someone who may not respect me, especially since I was out of his league to begin with and he doesn't really have a right to

Side note: I actually didnt bang him on the first date, I waited a little over a week lol doesn't change much though

May 4, 2016

Ok some thoughts for you:

1. You're judging him and his perceived lack of interest based on his curt text reply. Love, we are talking about a dude here. We men have notoriously awful text habits. You might as well be trying to divine our emotional state by the way we part our hair. Just isn't going to happen. And then when you were all cold the next day he probably assumed you werent interested.

2. So this guy probably sees you as out of his league appearance wise. And you said he has low confidence. So that is probably true. I want you to imagine the tables turned. Imagine you meet a guy that you think is way out of your league - maybe he is British aristocracy or maybe some sort of super smart guy. I dunno - just pick one. Now imagine you have this amazing connection and you start to date. The whole time you're like "pinch me I must be dreaming". Now imagine after a bit he breaks up withere you for some reason you probably don't think is valid or the actual reason. He rejects you.

Fast forward a couple of months and you run into him. You end up in his bed. Wouldn't you still be a little gun shy? Like maybe he was just slumming or something. Like you were an amusement to him? Wouldn't you keep your cards close to your chest? Imagine that you are all chipper on text a couple of days later and he was cold. Wouldn't that just confirm your story you made up about just being an amusement to him?

That might be what is happening here.

Anyhow, stuff to try on and see if it fits.

I don't know why I hadn't thought of it that way since it seems obvious in writing lol. I think I'm afraid that streetking is right and that his cluelessness is actually lack of respect, all the incidents of cluelessness have been similar to the std thing where it's kind of hard to tell

May 4, 2016

I don't think you should assume anything. That's what gets people into these dilemmas in the first place. Need to remind yourself that your perceptions and assumptions about what he wants/feels/thinks about you are not actually facts or things you can take to the bank. All you can control is yourself and how you feel.

And since you feel like you like the guy then you can make one more attempt to see if you and him can explore things deeper. The key is to build and establish it in a more personal way where he'll need to take you on a date or do something "normal" for your next hang out.

If it doesn't bother you to initiate contact or getting together then that's what I would say is the way to go instead of tip toeing around it and dragging things out to see if he'll do it on his own. Skip that nonsense. Send him a text, just your basic bs chit chat and "what you got going on this week/weekend" type stuff. I don't know if there's any inside joke/convo you can bring up based off your previous hang outs but if so you can initiate that way.

What you're trying to do is get together with him or go on a regular date where you can use that as your chance to show him, get him to realize/see that there's a deeper connection/spark between the two of you instead of just being the hot stripper he can bang but doesn't really want to peel back the layers of your personality after.

I'm sure you can flirt your way into getting him to take you out to dinner. You said he apologized for what he said/how he approached the std thing.. Maybe u can how things left off in a way like "if you really wanna make it up to me and get back on my good side... I suppose I would be fine with you taking me out to dinner or something like that...:)".... Just a thought.

Your goal should be to inquire and find out if he's uncomfortable/bothered by your profession at all. Don't hold it against him, just eventually express that you do kinda like him and wanted to get his honest opinion about whether or not he could go out with or potentially see something more than just a fling with you or if he's just not really able to feel secure based on what you do for work.

I think it's important to keep the convo/body language/innuendo away from sex and that physical desire for this also. If you go to dinner, maybe say you've got a cousin or friend staying with you while they're in town so that he knows sex isn't on the table for the night.. That way he can have an honest talk without you thinking he's just saying things to get you into bed later on

May 5, 2016

So I texted him this morning that I miss him and want to see him. We both are leaving town this weekend but will hang out when we return, everything seems great. He goes out of his way to continue the conversation when it otherwise would end.

Then later that night on facebook, he's tagged in a status saying he went to a concert with that ex gf. I'm really upset, I think I'm going to go ghost on him. Just not worth it at this point. Thanks to everyone who helped

May 5, 2016

So I texted him this morning that I miss him and want to see him. We both are leaving town this weekend but will hang out when we return, everything seems great. He goes out of his way to continue the conversation when it otherwise would end.

Then later that night on facebook, he's tagged in a status saying he went to a concert with that ex gf. I'm really upset, I think I'm going to go ghost on him. Just not worth it at this point. Thanks to everyone who helped

Why? You're not a couple, he's free to see whoever he wants. Plus you said you'd even be fine with chilling just as friends.

May 5, 2016

So I texted him this morning that I miss him and want to see him. We both are leaving town this weekend but will hang out when we return, everything seems great. He goes out of his way to continue the conversation when it otherwise would end.

Then later that night on facebook, he's tagged in a status saying he went to a concert with that ex gf. I'm really upset, I think I'm going to go ghost on him. Just not worth it at this point. Thanks to everyone who helped

So why are you still playing games??? You don't know that he went to the concert with the ex as a friend.....you have tried going out with someone else yourself....

Get off the texting and sit down with him over coffee and "TELL" him what you would like from him. Guys are pretty linear in things like this. Tell him exactly without being subtle what you're looking for and leave no room for misunderstandings. Guys do not get subtlety at all, we need direct clear communication.

May 5, 2016

So I texted him this morning that I miss him and want to see him. We both are leaving town this weekend but will hang out when we return, everything seems great. He goes out of his way to continue the conversation when it otherwise would end.

Then later that night on facebook, he's tagged in a status saying he went to a concert with that ex gf. I'm really upset, I think I'm going to go ghost on him. Just not worth it at this point. Thanks to everyone who helped

That's what happens when you half-ass communication. You were still just leaving breadcrumbs.

I told you...

If you're not interested in romance or love, keep doing what you're doing.

This is the kind of experience you will repeat until you change.

Guys do not get subtlety at all, we need direct clear communication.

Some of us do get it, we just choose not to waste time with it. Besides, in this case, tip-toeing around words and sending out "feeler" messages is more a matter of deceit than subtlety.

May 5, 2016

That's what happens when you half-ass communication. You were still just leaving breadcrumbs.

I told you...

This is the kind of experience you will repeat until you change.

Some of us do get it, we just choose not to waste time with it. Besides, in this case, tip-toeing around words and sending out "feeler" messages is more a matter of deceit than subtlety.

I fully agree....to me, texting is for short quick yes, no, almost there communication....our society has come to rely on texting as a primary source of communication which even when written correctly and with care, is easily misunderstood or could be read many different ways.

Talk, in person on things of the heart....things that matter.....touch hug look into the eyes for clear communication!!

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