Versacehottie Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 Versacehottie, I am making an effort starting today to just be more social at work and to always be engaging with people. I realize how my lack of success with women is just a symptom of a larger problem...my inability to be social in all situations. I develop tunnel vision when I'm working out or concentrating at my job. I do have a tendency to become preoccupied with things and be a little withdrawn sometimes. I realize I'm the problem not women or other people. I need to work on myself. Off to work now so...see how it goes today. Yep, i thought this was it. You'd be surprised how many people do this, including gorgeous guys who could probably get 5 numbesr by the time they leave starbucks. (not saying whether you are gorgeous or not OR that it's all that matters). Even if you realize there is work to do on yourself, they are probably just some minor tweaks. Please don't start to think of yourself as damaged or that things need to go perfectly. It's not all you but you can do better. You need to work on your marketing skills and belief in your product, ie you. Since you like sports there's the analogy that most coaches would rather have an untrained player that they can mold rather than go back and unravel all the bad habits that have gone into a player that's pretty good but won't be able to reach the next level with those bad habits. It's easier to mold someone who is inexperienced or learning for the first time, rather than has disordered thinking, etc. I definitely feel like you are more on the new learning end of the spectrum than anything. Make sure you allow for some mistakes and awkwardness (they happen to just about everyone; those that are better daters just come back from it quicker, better). Make sure you gather the data without judgement that's in front of you. 1
AMJ Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 I just see these women and think: sure they'd be nice and polite but what do I have to offer her....seriously, she's got life figured out what could I do to upgrade her life? Confidence seems to be your biggest obstacle. If you always feel like you have nothing to offer someone, it makes sense why you're having such a difficult time approaching new women. You have friends in your life- they value you as a friend, so focus on that. Even if a woman seems out of your league, you do have something to offer her- only you know what that is. She never gets to find out until you let her get to know you. All of the advice you've received here is about building your confidence and projecting confidence, I think that's exactly what you need to work on. I've said it before, I'll say it again- confidence is hands down the sexiest quality in a man. 1
Author Porter56 Posted May 7, 2016 Author Posted May 7, 2016 Ok I'm not trying to be antagonistic or anything but I'm in a bit of a mood this morning... Confidence; this seems like such a vague concept that it seems to have no meaning at all. What is it exactly? Should I walk up strutting my stuff, look her in the eye, give a wink, smile and say something like "Hey there good looking, what's your name? And by the way I am a BIG deal" lol I hate to be a jerk but there are a lot of people who shouldn't have confidence... Have you ever walked into a Wal-Mart??? How do I know I'm nothing one of them??? I mean seriously, there's nothing dumber than someone who is a 2 or a 3 but carries himself like he thinks he's a 10. I know, I know...these ratings don't mean anything and most women don't think like that. I'm just trying to make a point. The point is that people need to be realistic and realistically...you should always be aware that there is always a reason NOT to be confident when you know you do lack A LOT of things and no matter how good you are....there is always somebody better. There's nothing you do that someone else couldn't.
AMJ Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 (edited) I don't think confidence means acting like a douche and throwing cheezy lines at women you meet out in public. Confidence is about knowing your value. Spending so much time thinking about "there's always someone better" is not going to help build confidence. Knowing your value is not about comparing yourself to others, but knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are. Example, two good friends of mine who used to be friends and now are married. We all met in college. He was in love with her from the minute he met her, she's gorgeous and a very cool person. She looks like a barbie doll, honestly. He is short and not very attractive. In college he was a little pudgy even. But I've never known him to lack confidence. Why? Because he's really intelligent, successful, hardworking, hilarious, and kind. He has a magnetic personality and people who know him love him. He's a social butterfly for sure. These two were friends for years, stayed friends while each had relationships with other people, had their ups and downs, until finally she realized she was in love with him. In ten years he never gave up, and finally he won his unicorn. That's what he calls her, too. They dated for a few years and got married two summers ago. If you saw photos, you'd think- what the hell is she doing with that guy? But for all of us who know him, it's a no-brainer. Confident people don't tell people "I'm a big deal". You demonstrate that you're a big deal by letting people get to know you. I think everyone should have confidence, but I'm an idealist. I can understand why it's a vague concept. Think about it this way- you need to stop thinking that you don't have anything to offer to women. Start there. You've mentioned it several times and I think that's your biggest problem. If you don't think you have anything to offer to women, we will believe you. "There's always someone better" What does that mean, though? Just because a guy is better looking, does not necessarily mean he's a better mate. Maybe he has no sense of humor. Maybe he has a drug problem. Maybe he's boring to talk to. Or maybe we don't have anything in common. How we judge potential mates is on a sliding scale, some value certain qualities more than others. Lacking things or having faults is not a reason not to be confident. Everyone has faults, all of us are imperfect. I'm not looking for a perfect man, I'm looking for the one who's perfect for me. Edited May 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language~T 1
Author Porter56 Posted May 8, 2016 Author Posted May 8, 2016 You're right... I think my problem is rooted in some mild form of social anxiety. I was told last night I need to open up more in social situations and it gave me a feeling akin to stage fright. Maybe I am damaged somehow I don't know. I have a tendency to look at everything as a competition. I know this is wrong but I have it in my head that...if a girl likes my sense of humor-another guy can make her laugh harder. If I'm nice- another guy can be nicer. If I relate to her- someone else could relate more to her. If I have CONFIDENCE- the next guy could be MORE confident. Something that I do in life is approach everything with a chip on my shoulder. Like I have something to prove. I always hear one of my baseball coaches from college in my ear. He used to always say: "there's no such thing as good enough". This has helped me with everything in life, except social situations. Especially talking to women. This is all just very frustrating. I get too worked up when things don't go well and it's a slippery slope. I know.... I need to relax and have fun but the thing is...everything I have ever done in life has only been fun because of the results not the process. To use a sports analogy: I never enjoyed the game- I enjoyed celebrating the win. The process of winning was nothing but hard work to me. The more I type and read my thoughts on here the more messed up I think I might be.
Versacehottie Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 You're right... I think my problem is rooted in some mild form of social anxiety. I was told last night I need to open up more in social situations and it gave me a feeling akin to stage fright. Maybe I am damaged somehow I don't know. I have a tendency to look at everything as a competition. I know this is wrong but I have it in my head that...if a girl likes my sense of humor-another guy can make her laugh harder. If I'm nice- another guy can be nicer. If I relate to her- someone else could relate more to her. If I have CONFIDENCE- the next guy could be MORE confident. Something that I do in life is approach everything with a chip on my shoulder. Like I have something to prove. I always hear one of my baseball coaches from college in my ear. He used to always say: "there's no such thing as good enough". This has helped me with everything in life, except social situations. Especially talking to women. This is all just very frustrating. I get too worked up when things don't go well and it's a slippery slope. I know.... I need to relax and have fun but the thing is...everything I have ever done in life has only been fun because of the results not the process. To use a sports analogy: I never enjoyed the game- I enjoyed celebrating the win. The process of winning was nothing but hard work to me. The more I type and read my thoughts on here the more messed up I think I might be. Ok, first bolded: I am sad. Didn't I warn you against feeling like you were damaged or something??? No. You're not, you just don't have enough skills yet nor have you actually tried enough to gather real evidence. The chip on your shoulder will read as being standoff-ish. From your other thread, I bet that is exactly why your friends wife said lots of her friends liked you and then got over it. In a social setting, a chip on your shoulder is going to indicate to those who are trying to connect with you that THEY must prove to you that they are good enough. Try to use common ground. Start small; it's easy. There are reasons why conversations about the weather are both boring and universal small talk. It's just an opening for an experience that everyone is having. Common ground. Yep, you are going to have to stop looking for instant results that are the END result you want. You need to look for smaller units of measure. Other ways to measure results vs "i went on a date or have a gf". Ultimately, this process is to get you to have a life that is enjoyable! And get you a gf/wife. But it's not going to happen overnight and one without the other wouldn't be worth it anyway. Ok with things like sports, money or things that can be quantified it makes sense to be on the results-oriented side of the spectrum. You need to shift your thinking, however, when it comes to social. That's a networked and layered and process-oriented, non-quantifiable situation. For example, if you wanted a wife, you could probably have one tomorrow, like a mail order bride or something. But you don't want just anyone, you want a connection with the right one and even if you had a gf tomorrow, it would take a while to figure out if she was the one to marry. So you have to shift to the process-oriented side of the spectrum to get what you want here. Happiness, good emotions, etc, the right partner. You can do it. You sound like a good guy. People definitely get discouraged along the way--all sorts of people, confident ones too.
Jabron1 Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 You're right... I think my problem is rooted in some mild form of social anxiety. I was told last night I need to open up more in social situations and it gave me a feeling akin to stage fright. Maybe I am damaged somehow I don't know. I have a tendency to look at everything as a competition. I know this is wrong but I have it in my head that...if a girl likes my sense of humor-another guy can make her laugh harder. If I'm nice- another guy can be nicer. If I relate to her- someone else could relate more to her. If I have CONFIDENCE- the next guy could be MORE confident. Something that I do in life is approach everything with a chip on my shoulder. Like I have something to prove. I always hear one of my baseball coaches from college in my ear. He used to always say: "there's no such thing as good enough". This has helped me with everything in life, except social situations. Especially talking to women. This is all just very frustrating. I get too worked up when things don't go well and it's a slippery slope. I know.... I need to relax and have fun but the thing is...everything I have ever done in life has only been fun because of the results not the process. To use a sports analogy: I never enjoyed the game- I enjoyed celebrating the win. The process of winning was nothing but hard work to me. The more I type and read my thoughts on here the more messed up I think I might be. No, I never meant to make you feel that a 'results based' mindset is wrong. It isn't, at all. It's how men think. It's completely natural. This is why I said to set your goals lower. This is why I suggested a small 'exercise' for you to try out. You go out to chat up girls with a purpose, and it makes it more fun. Like I said, 'today I will speak to the most beautiful women that I see, and I will give her a compliment' is an example. It's a challenge. The problem comes when you are thinking 5 steps ahead of where you really are. Start looking at it as a hobby, and take the pressure off 1
Versacehottie Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 No, I never meant to make you feel that a 'results based' mindset is wrong. It isn't, at all. It's how men think. It's completely natural. This is why I said to set your goals lower. This is why I suggested a small 'exercise' for you to try out. You go out to chat up girls with a purpose, and it makes it more fun. Like I said, 'today I will speak to the most beautiful women that I see, and I will give her a compliment' is an example. It's a challenge. The problem comes when you are thinking 5 steps ahead of where you really are. Start looking at it as a hobby, and take the pressure off Exactly, bolded. You can't expect to go 0-60 today. You need to put small things in place that will take you toward your goal. That's how you will gain confidence in yourself and skills to back it up.
Author Porter56 Posted May 8, 2016 Author Posted May 8, 2016 Yeah my friend's wife said not to flirt or ask for a number. Just talk for a couple minutes about random things make a few jokes and say nice to meet you and get out. This is what I'm starting with today when we go out... I'll be with her and not my buddy...and I'll be sober lol 1
Versacehottie Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 Yeah my friend's wife said not to flirt or ask for a number. Just talk for a couple minutes about random things make a few jokes and say nice to meet you and get out. This is what I'm starting with today when we go out... I'll be with her and not my buddy...and I'll be sober lol Dont' you think it's ironic that lots of us are giving you near identical advice as she is? You just need skills work; it will increase your confidence which will increase your skills and so on and so forth. That's why you start small with something achievable.
Author Porter56 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 Yeah I know I need to listen everybody but it can be hard to get out of my head sometimes. I had a good day today but for some reason it just feels like I'm being fake when I'm being social. That makes no sense I know but it's just how I feel.
Author Porter56 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 I would like to add that when I am talking to a woman all I can think is..."does she think I'm good looking?" or "does she think I'm more interesting than her last boyfriend?" Wow...am I a nutcase?
AMJ Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Well, you're not a nutcase. Everyone has something they need to work on. The good news is that you've realized what that is for you. The feedback you got from your friends is really helpful. You may want to consider that the internal message of "I'm not good enough" comes from maybe a family member? I get what you mean about your baseball coach...I've had plenty of teachers, coaches, bosses who were harshly critical of me too, and while that kind of criticism stays with us, I think your issue might be more deep-rooted. I could be wrong- but it's just something for you to consider. When you're talking to a woman, you should try to focus on the simple fact that if she wasn't at least somewhat interested in you, she wouldn't be talking to you at all. She is going to become more or less interested in you based on whatever you say to her. I've never known a woman who didn't appreciate a polite compliment and good manners. I told you yesterday to have confidence, and then you tell us these stories of saying off the wall things to women last night and again today... And some ladies like to laugh- it's true. And if that type of humor is truly natural for your personality, then my advice is that eventually you'll meet a woman who will appreciate it. I promise! I know a man who has that same type of humor and while it was not easy, he did finally find a woman to appreciate his crazy sense of humor. BUT I actually think that you say off the wall comments to self-sabotage and avoid rejection. I've seen lots of men use that approach. It's like you feel required to talk to a beautiful woman, but you're afraid of what might happen, so you kill the approach from the start. And I think I'm right because you said that you feel fake when you try to be social. Which means you still need to find your own style in terms of how to talk to women. You're not the guy who makes obnoxious jokes. Have you ever tried just asking women questions about themselves? "Hi, how's your night going? Where were you guys before this place? Where are you from, where do you work, etc.?" Because most women like to talk, and it comes naturally for us to talk about ourselves. You mentioned that one bad experience with the tattoo girl but you can't let that jade all of your other experiences. Who knows what could have been up with her. She may have had a boyfriend, maybe that tattoo was about her ex boyfriend and she didn't want to talk about it, who knows? Confidence is about knowing what you want, believing that you deserve it, and going after it. I think it was good for you to be forced out of your comfort zone by your friend's wife, to talk to strangers all day long. Really, practice helps. With your sports analogies...you never win a game or championship without practice, right? Winning is the best part, true, but if you really don't enjoy practice or playing the game, or the work it takes to win...then you need to play a different game. In sports and in dating. You do need to do some serious internal digging to find out what the root of your "I'm not good enough" issue is all about, where it comes from, who taught you that message. As far as not liking the process of socializing and dating, being results-oriented and only wanting to win....well..I think past a certain age or amount of life experience, we all feel that way. I can remember when I thought of dating as a fun adventure, and now it feels like a job search. I don't really know what to say other than, you never win a game you don't play, or get offered a job you don't apply for. At the same time, in my experience love comes along when you least expect it and are not looking for it. So I think there should be a healthy balance of actively pursing a relationship- or casual dating, whatever it is you want- and not looking for anything at all, just enjoying your life. I'm also one of those people who believes in fate, except that fate only takes us halfway. Fate presents opportunities, it's up to us to decide how to act on those opportunities. 1
Author Porter56 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 Are you a psychiatrist? Seriously everything you said hit close to home. I use humor to cover inadequacies and hide my low self esteem for sure. The self sabotage thing is also dead on. I don't know how to have a conversation without making lots of jokes. I don't know how to be real and connect. I don't know how to just "be myself". I don't even know what that means. And as far as deep rooted? My mother left when I was 12. I haven't seen or heard from her since...
Author Porter56 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 (edited) Ok AMJ... You opened this can of worms... You mentioned deep rooted problems and now it's on my mind so I'm going to get it out... My mother left when I was 12 and hasn't contacted me since. She was always short tempered with me and all my memories of her are of a very angry and annoyed woman. My dad was meek and had very low self worth. No doubt I take after him. My mom left with another man and started another family. There are 3 half siblings I have never met because my mom found the husband and family she always wanted and me and my dad were not apart of that picture. She wanted to pretend we didn't exist. Her whole family went along with her wishes and I don't have contact with any of them because along with my mother, they wouldn't return my phone calls when I was a teenager. I'd call on bdays, holidays, etc...but no answer and noone would return my messages. My grandma did answer once when I was 17. She wished me a happy bday and said things had worked out well for my mother, and that me and my dad were only complicating things so it was for the best that we not be in touch. And she hung up... I stopped trying to contact my mother when I was 19. I remember it because I had just been made starter on my college baseball team as a freshman and I was telling everyone I could about it...so I decided to try just one more time to call her. I stopped trying after that. My dad never got over her. He fell into depression for years and did nothing but talk about her to everyone. He was full of self pity and drove most of his friends away because of it. He would show up at people's houses in the middle of night to talk. He would do this over and over again until people had to ignore him. I no doubt take after him in some ways sadly. He then laid everything on me. He would talk my ear off all night sometimes. I was 13,14 years old and he was waking me up in the middle of the night to talk about how he missed my mother and all kinds of things. He told me EVERYTHING about their relationship and I mean EVERYTHING. At 14 I did not need to hear about the ups and downs of their sex life. I am an only child and my grandparents both died when I was in high school and my dad had one brother who is gay. He lives on the other side of the country and I have never met him because he was shunned from the family before I was born because they were really religious. My dad died 4 years ago of a heart attack...he was 53. I do save money at Christmas time though because I don't have to buy presents for anyone lol. Edited May 9, 2016 by Porter56
booboomane Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Jesus man. I can't imagine the heartbreak you have went through in your life. That sounds really rough. I feel terrible for your dad as well. All I can really tell you is despite having a rough life, your past doesn't have to define who you are. You've been shunned, shut out, and put on the back burner by people who are supposed to put you first and I would imagine that's why you seek so hard for approval through other people and women specifically and when it's not given to you you take it personally and harder that a normal person might would. And that's normal and expected given what you've been through. Best advice I can give you is keep the past in the past and move forward as a man. I'm not sure if you are religious or not, but regardless I believe God has a plan for everybody and even if you aren't a believer, you can use your tough upbringing as a tool to make you stronger instead of it tearing you down. Don't let it define you only mold you. 1
AMJ Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 I'm not any kind of doctor, I've just had experience dealing with everything you're talking about. I'm also really sorry about your story. You should feel good about the fact that most people in your shoes wouldn't accomplish much in life, but you've earned three degrees and have a successful career! I think for anyone who overcomes a tough childhood, one benefit is that you're going to be able to handle bigger challenges better than most. But personal relationships are going to be more challenging for you than others. And it makes sense this is a bigger issue with women, given what your mom did. She pretty much robbed you of developing a healthy connection to women on your own. Abuse or abandonment by our parents is so hard to get over because they're supposed to be the only ones we can always count on to love and support us unconditionally, and when they fail to do that, it makes us look inward- "what's wrong with me that they don't love me" type thinking. And then it just grows into this deeper feeling of inadequacy, having a hard time trusting others. I think every famous comedian at one time or another has admitted that they learned to use comedy to hide their own insecurities or depression. Everyone likes to laugh, therefore people will like me if I'm funny. There was a lot of talk about that when Robin Williams died. It was really shocking to learn that he suffered from severe depression, and made a wildly successful career making all of us laugh. Not knowing how to be real and connect, be yourself...well you're doing it here, aren't you? And you've done it with the friends you already have. If you like making jokes, that's fine, but try making jokes that will keep people in the conversation instead of turn people away. And try to start small. You don't need to completely open up and dish your life story to the next woman you meet- and I doubt you'll want to- but start by trying to get to know the other person on a basic level. These are "getting to know you" type questions- http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html?_r=0 And I know this next part is kinda lame, but you'd probably benefit most from talking to a real therapist. Or reading books about abandonment, fear of intimacy. I'm really sorry about your dad. He died way too young. And I can relate about the total pain of parents who are way too honest with their children. Mine were the same way, and it's really selfish to rob your kids of a childhood/innocence like that. 1
Versacehottie Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Wow, Porter that is rough. Honestly I still think you have a pretty decent outlook for all that you have been through. What your mom and her family did is pretty unforgivable. I think in some ways your dad was weak (like telling you far too much and kinda being broken) but in another way he was much stronger for sticking by your side and raising you. I'm glad he did--you seem like in spite of all that happened to you, you turned out really nice & good. So he obviously did some things right. Ok I think you made progress yesterday. I love your friend--she really did a good job. I'll write more about the social interaction later. I think at first it feels false because it's not natural for you but so is shooting hoops for me! It's because you need more practice and you need a chance to integrate it into your life and see the positive benefits start coming into your life. It will; it just takes time. Your story is compelling. A lot of us will be willing to help you along the way. You'll get there, promise.
Author Porter56 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 Growing up with no siblings as I did, I was alone a lot. The neighborhood that I grew up in had no children in it and When my parents were together, all their friends were childless so, I always had to entertain myself. I wasn't around kids my age until I was 6 when I started school. By that time I had become a loner already. I didn't make friends easily and I always had this feeling of not belonging no matter where I was or who I was with. I remember vividly being 4 or 5 and my parents having fun with their friends and all of them ignoring me because they were wrapped up in their "grown up activities " as they called it. At the time I didn't think anything of it but in hindsight I can see now that it left a deeply ingrained feeling of being an outsider in me. When I started school, a lot of the kids already knew each other from going to preschool together or being family. Well I didn't have kids in my family and my mom didn't want to pay for preschool (preschool was optional back then) so I didn't know anyone at school which made me feel like I didn't belong with my peers either... I have been in therapy on and off since college and the main thing I have always had to deal with even now is this deeply ingrained feeling of not belonging anywhere. When people are sitting around socializing I just have a feeling that I'm not apart of the group no matter who it is or where we are. I felt it as a small child and still feel it as an adult. This is the main thing holding me back...
Author Porter56 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 One thing just occurred to me that sums up my feelings accurately.... When trying to talk to women, one thing I always hear is people saying that I shouldn't look at them as if they're aliens. I should look at them as people just like me. Well... I don't look at anyone as an alien. I look at everyone as they are...very much human. In social situations I see MYSELF as the alien.
ALL OR NOTHING Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 This is a big issue for me. So I'm 36 and I still can't talk to women. Well to be more accurate... I can't converse with them in an interesting/flirtatious way. I become boring around women. Not that I'm normally James Bond or anything but you get my point. I started dating women around 16 years old and fast forward 20 years and I still get all weird and creepy around women. Time and place don't matter either: at a bar/club, bookstore, grocery store, park, or taking classes to learn new things and meet people. I am not the type to shy away from anything either. If I am not good at something or need to take a chance...I face things head on. I approach/date a lot. But 20 years and I haven't improved much in this one area of my life and it's driving me crazy. I am able to improve myself in all other areas of life... I have 3 college degrees, progressed well in my career, stay in shape, learn new hobbies etc etc... I believe I can do anything in life if I want to: I am smart, talented and athletic BUT...... I see a woman I like and.....uhhhhhh HI (blushing) .....thats it Even typing that and thinking about it makes my mind go blank. So what do I do???? I mean after 20 years I should have gotten past this. Women freak me out lol.... What you need to do is just not give a **** , talk to her like she's a piece of meat ready for your sandwedge , once you've recovered from alm the slaps Youl hopefully realize how failing doesn't matter , winner doesn't matter , Youl get bored of it all in the end. Try this - walk up to a hot girl in a bar and tell her that the likely hood of her vagin@ not exploding on command once you release your body juddering charm is pretty slim and if you doesn't wanna ruin her dress she'd better leave with you now. That always works for me.
Author Porter56 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 ALL OR NOTHING.... Vagin@ exploding????.....ok Im writing that down...that's a good one. Lol
AMJ Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 First of all, don't ever say that to someone unless she's already started the dirty talk. I have been in therapy on and off since college and the main thing I have always had to deal with even now is this deeply ingrained feeling of not belonging anywhere. When people are sitting around socializing I just have a feeling that I'm not apart of the group no matter who it is or where we are. I felt it as a small child and still feel it as an adult. This is the main thing holding me back... In social situations I see MYSELF as the alien. How to fix feeling like an outsider and isolated...again, at least you know what the problem is. For most people that's not easy to figure out. There must be some examples you can think of, of being around people where you don't feel like an outsider. On your baseball team, or with your friend and his wife, or other friends maybe? What's different about those examples than the times that you do feel like an outsider? My dad was abandoned by his mom when he was about 7. She sent him to live with his dad, who was abusive, and my dad moved out on his own when he was 15. Instead of being meek and timid, he's sort of the opposite- arrogant and full of anger, rage sometimes. Also has an overachiever, workaholic mentality. And also always felt like an outsider, or is oversensitive about interactions with others and interprets so many things as rejection. He takes everything personally. It was easy to interact with him when I was little, but it's really difficult as an adult. Now I see that he isolates himself because he feels more comfortable that way. He's always afraid of being rejected by his own children and family, so he pushes us away. He used to do that with fits of rage and anger, now he does it with alcohol. I'm saying all this because, I think the only way to deal with the isolation/outsider issue is to deal with the issues your mom caused. I know that sucks, but you'd rather deal with it now than never at all? Or let all of that consume you? Because the thing is, your problem won't be resolved when you find a relationship. She's going to want you to get way more intimate than you're going to be comfortable with. You fall in love with someone, and this person has all kinds of power over you. It won't be easy unless you enter into a relationship having dealt with some of these abandonment, insecurity issues.
Author Porter56 Posted May 10, 2016 Author Posted May 10, 2016 First off... I was being sarcastic in my last post. I'm not THAT socially inept lol. I did feel apart of something when I played sports...but only on the field. Never in the locker room though. With my friends it usually requires alcohol to feel good and with my married friends it was nice but because they were teaching me how to talk to women it felt like they were kinda parental figures to me because it was like they were showing me how not to be a loser. So I still felt beneath them on some level. I mean I know logically in my head everything you and Versace and Jabron say is right but there's still this little voice in my head (not literally...I'm not THAT crazy yet) that says maybe....people secretly can't stand me. I do go to therapy I swear lol...
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