Good old fashioned Approach Anxiety

[Porter56]

This is a big issue for me. So I'm 36 and I still can't talk to women. Well to be more accurate... I can't converse with them in an interesting/flirtatious way. I become boring around women. Not that I'm normally James Bond or anything but you get my point.

 

I started dating women around 16 years old and fast forward 20 years and I still get all weird and creepy around women.

 

Time and place don't matter either: at a bar/club, bookstore, grocery store, park, or taking classes to learn new things and meet people. I am not the type to shy away from anything either. If I am not good at something or need to take a chance...I face things head on. I approach/date a lot. But 20 years and I haven't improved much in this one area of my life and it's driving me crazy.

 

I am able to improve myself in all other areas of life... I have 3 college degrees, progressed well in my career, stay in shape, learn new hobbies etc etc... I believe I can do anything in life if I want to: I am smart, talented and athletic BUT......

 

I see a woman I like and.....uhhhhhh HI (blushing) .....thats it

 

Even typing that and thinking about it makes my mind go blank. So what do I do???? I mean after 20 years I should have gotten past this. Women freak me out lol....

[Porter56]

BTW...

I know there's got to be other threads on this topic so I apologize. I'm just too lazy to look for them lol

[booboomane]

Man I hear you loud and clear. I'm 11 years younger and relate so much. You tell yourself it's all about to go down smooth, hell you may even recite what you are gonna say. Then when you are a few steps away reality sets in and you panic, and even if you still do say something to her it all comes out wrong. Funny story, I once approached two girls at a wedding and in my head I was gonna say "Wow, it's a little hot in here." (Which it was and I couldn't come up with a better ice breaker) but it came out as "Wow, is it hot in here or is it just y'all?" They both looked at me like I was insane and I just felt my face getting so red. Basically what I'm saying is, you aren't alone. I've went through it and still go through it from time to time. And the worst apart about it, I'm not bad looking. I'm tall. Decent shape. I don't have anything to be self-conscious about. So, where does it come from? It's a mindset. Your mind has convinced you that you are gonna fail every time you approach a woman. You put too much pressure on yourself. Before you approach a woman you have to bring yourself down to earth and realize what it is. Which is absolutely not a big deal. You aren't building skyscrapers or curing cancer by talking to a girl. You aren't the first and won't be the last. It's simple conversation between two human beings.Thats it. The quicker your mindset changes the easier you'll be. And even if she isn't interested in you guess what? Life goes on. And they'll be millions of other women who are ready to take you seriously. Hope this helps.

[Porter56]

Yes I get what you're saying....

 

I understand it in my head logically but I can't get myself to buy into it. I am all good and confident until I go for it. Like going skydiving. I'm all ready to go and then I get to the door and realize...WOW thats a Lonnngggg way down.

 

I walk up and realize...WOW she is gorgeous! And then irrational thoughts kick in. Here's an example: I approached a woman at a bookstore. She was reading a book by one of my favorite authors so I had a natural conversation topic. I walk up... I see a guy by her. He's kinda muscular and attractive. She's really pretty so I think...ohhh they're together. I'm 10 feet from her when I think this and hesitate. She looks up and smiles and says hi and then..... I worry musclehead is going to bend me in half and so I say "ohhhh I thought you were someone I knew, sorry, nevermind "

 

The girl says "oh really? Who do you know that looks like me?" I walk away very fast.

 

Well....this guy wasn't with her. I just assumed he was and it freaked me out. But in the moment I thought: they're together or...if a guy was to flirt with her she'd prefer it to be that guy or...shes busy and I don't want to bother her...or some other reason why I shouldn't do it.

 

Wow what an unattractive post lol....

[fitnessfan365]

Flip the script in your mind, and make the determining factor how enjoyable she is to talk to, and not what she looks like. I mean haven't you ever been around a beautiful woman that wound up being as interesting as watching paint dry when she opened her mouth?

 

I mean don't get me wrong. As men we all want a woman we're attracted to physically. But if you go in already focused on the end result of getting a date, you'll feel enormous pressure. But if you have the mindset that you'll only ask out women you like talking to, it puts a whole new perspective on it. For now I'd just focus on getting better talking to women in general without trying to date them. Start small and talk to women that work at places you go to. See if you can engage them more than just regular customer service. If you can get a genuine laugh or good response from a woman that is paid to be nice to everyone, you're getting somewhere.

[Porter56]

I understand what you're saying...

 

The example I used was from when I was 19 so, I've gotten better since then. I don't run into as many dumb blonde types as I've gotten older so I am actually meeting more interesting women as I age but I just struggle with what to say beyond the first few seconds is all. I can be clever or funny but when I talk I just get this idea in my head that I'm boring her.

 

For instance...

I met a woman at work. We don't work together directly but have seen each other around. I'll call her "Green Eyes". She's very pretty and I happened to see her at a bar one Saturday night. I decided to talk to her. We know each other from work so this was easy to get started.

 

So we're talking and she's smart, funny, etc. But as we're talking I learned some things about her like: She has family in France and Switzerland where she has visited frequently since childhood and she is multilingual. She's been all over Europe and done all these things.

 

I don't have the life experiences to keep up with her and so...the conversation went downhill quick. This happens a lot to me.

[Jabron1]

When I started chatting up random women in the street, I used opinion openers.

 

Just start small. Accept that it's a process, and that you aren't going to become Cassanova in a week.

 

At this point, you are struggling to converse - so that should be your goal. Not getting the number, not getting a date, not getting laid. Just pleasant conversation.

 

Once you start having a few good interactions, you'll realise that there actually isn't some unwritten law stating that you can't speak to a beautiful woman walking past. It's very liberating.

 

If your situation goes anything like mine did, you'll sense something else going on in the background whilst you are having these conversations. It's like the girl is wanting you to move things forward (and she is). That's the next difficulty I had, was moving things along in a smooth manner.

 

It's a process. You get better by practice, and improving whichever areas are 'sticking points' for you at that moment.

 

As for approach anxiety, the old 'Mystery Method' 3 second rule really helps. Basically, you should be approaching the girl within three seconds of deciding that you will. This is for 2 reasons:

 

1. It forces you to act. The longer you leave it, the more the nerves build up, and the harder it gets - leading you to bottle it.

2. Hanging around a girl waiting to build the courage to approach comes off as creepy.

 

There is nothing wrong with having the vibe of 'what the f**k am I doing? I can't believe I'm actually talking to you right now. I don't usually do this', etc. That can be fun and exciting.

 

Whatever you do: have fun. Speak to these women because it's fun for you. If you aren't enjoying yourself, neither will they. Don't be afraid to wind her up (in a playful way), joke around, and banter/mess with her.

Edited May 4, 2016 by Jabron1

[Porter56]

Alright, all good advice and things I already know in my head logically but...in the moment I don't know what happens. I go brain dead or something. Lol

 

Almost quitting time here. I'm going to hit the gym to decompress and go out tonight.

 

See what happens...

[Versacehottie]

I would also add to what the boys said above:

 

* that practice talking to girls (and people too btw bc it will help) WITHOUT EVEN HAVING IT IN YOUR HEAD THAT YOU WILL ASK THEM OUT.

 

*just talk, flirt and walk away. Basically you get extremely nervous, because your mind is thinking: this is it, I can't f*ck this up. You need to lower the stakes. Just talk. Believe me, girls can be pretty forward so if she wants to go on a date she will make it pretty obvious and you can 'start' that process if and when it comes up in convo. Anyway, baby steps. You need to get to the point of where you dial back the pressure on yourself so you can improve your talk game.

 

*btw, it will probably help your confidence too to just walk away from some girl you met because the flirty conversation was all that was necessary. i see this all the time. Even if you get a gf, you should keep doing this (when she is not around of course!). It's just life, interacting with people, expressing that side of yourself. If you rarely do, like you, you will continue to feel nervous and stifled.

good luck

[joseb]

 

Whatever you do: have fun. Speak to these women because it's fun for you. If you aren't enjoying yourself, neither will they. Don't be afraid to wind her up (in a playful way), joke around, and banter/mess with her.

 

If you take nothing else from this thread, take this to heart.

If you can actually see it as fun, then it starts to be a whole lot easier (and fun!)

[Versacehottie]

Alright, all good advice and things I already know in my head logically but...in the moment I don't know what happens. I go brain dead or something. Lol

 

Almost quitting time here. I'm going to hit the gym to decompress and go out tonight.

 

See what happens...

 

Talk to some girls at the gym. Even talk to some guys or girls that wouldn't be in your zone to date.

 

I think what happens when people mention having trouble approaching people or social anxiety type stuff is that they are very single-minded (almost selfish in a way, not that you are). You may be so focused on this goal or detriment that when the opportunity comes up you expect yourself to go from 0-60mph and you've had NO practice whatsoever. Also in this scenario are not the gregarious or outgoing sorts of people who do that more naturally, it's the more introverted or those who see no point in making small talk because they can't relate it to their goal. Sure, it may not relate to your long-term goal, but your immediate goal should be to get some practice, make some friends and see where that leads you.

 

You know who has a better chance (even if they tend to clam up around cute girls) around girls? Guys introduced by friends; meeting new girls at a party or BBQ or through your guy friend at the gym. Or you talk to some girl (who you wouldn't date/don't see like that) and the next week she shows up with her friend. Or you have a 1-2 sentence chat with the front desk guy that some girl when she is checking in can be included in OR you can include her OR now you recognize her and say just hi for a few weeks until one day it turns into a conversation.

 

What you want to do is INCREASE familiarity and LOWER expectations and inhibitions through practice and widening of circles.

 

Going back to the BBQ example: let's say you make a guy friend at the gym (or anywhere); one day he invites you to a BBQ; there he introduces you to lots of people. There is a lead-in, less pressure to talk or be on the spot, you've got somewhat of a stamp of approval with whoever he is introducing you to and generally there is more flow to the conversation, which will help you out as well. Also through an example like this, you'd have potential to keep a cute girl you met at the BBQ in your circle or have a reason to ask her out. You also want to increase the odds that you will get a "yes", which this stuff helps for. People will give more of a fair chance to someone they meet through friends/common activities.

 

Basically if you adopt a more outgoing attitude, things just happen. People recognize that in you and will throw out a comment at starbucks or vice versa. This small change will bring you toward what you want.

[Versacehottie]

If you take nothing else from this thread, take this to heart.

If you can actually see it as fun, then it starts to be a whole lot easier (and fun!)

 

I 1000 times agree. I am very outgoing and I do it as FUN, to interact with others for a quick moment, to brighten the other person's day or my own, learn something new, whatever. Just engage in the life I'm living and others are right there too. It's pretty easy. One sentence fragment about something innocuous. No pressure. It's fun. And here's the big thing: small things lead to bigger things. You would not believe the positive things that have come out of my life for something as small as a sentence fragment and a smile.

 

If it's just a part of you, it becomes less like you are hitting on the girl (because you start conversations with all sorts of people) and just making conversation, exchanging small talk. That will allow you to be more confident (with a better way about you) when a girl comes along that you would want to ask out. Also to state the obvious, it won't destroy you either if some random girl you approached is not interested--with your current scenario, OP, it probably stings and sets you back a bit. Keep practicing. I've said it before and am not joking, even talk to old people. They are cute and funny and also good practice! Also the more conversations you have in general, you become better versed in a bunch of different subjects, thus a better conversationalist. A conversation I had in detail over the weekend about business during a social event, actually came up when I was out with a friend on Monday night. Made me look interested, interesting, etc when we were talking about her situation. (I was anyway; but it was better than a one-dimensional boring answer of support).

 

I actually think lots of people could improve in the area of conversation. That said, if you get better at it, you will have a leg up. It makes you more of a gentleman. Girls have fantasies about this kind of stuff: well-rounded, well-spoken guy along with the other stuff. Good luck!!! Keep letting us know how it's going; we will help you out.

[TheBathWater]

This topic never gets old.

 

There are times when I have felt I am 'on' with my interactions with women, and then times that I feel like a total creep and down on myself for not being able to really connect with someone I want to talk to.

 

I can only speak from my own experience, but this is the most simple way I can put WHY talking to women works for me when it does...so here goes...

 

You need to take the measuring stick that you use for success with women from a place that is based on how she responds to you and pull it back to the point where success is defined by how you respond to her.

 

Whenever I interact with a woman because I want to be a man who likes women, it has a totally different feel to it for me than when I interact with a woman because I want something from her (a phone number, a date, sex...). I believe women feel this difference as well.

 

It's a mindset of giving, not taking. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. But that's not the point. The point is that it FEELS good to be a man who likes women and expresses that without needing ANYTHING from her (this is also probably why guys who are 'taken' give off a different vibe). The guy who needs women to validate him by giving him something is naturally more suspicious. The guys who do it (me included) also don't feel so good, get nervous, and come off as creepy.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Try this out. Next time you see a woman you feel compelled to talk to, notice what it is about her that draws you in. For me, it's usually their "energy". Walk right up to her, expect absolutely nothing, and simply tell her exactly what you think. "Excuse me, there's something about your energy, I don't know what, but you are just stunning". That's it. You can even visualize not getting her number or ever seeing her again but still wanting to tell her anyway because you're a man who appreciates the feeling a woman like that gives you.

 

It sounds a little weird, but it feels really good! And I think women really appreciate when a guy is genuine and says something like this without caring how she responds to him. You may get a number, date, sex, or nothing at all. But that's not the point. The point is to be a man who doesn't need to hide his delight of women or take anything from them. Strangely, this mindset of not needing anything from women but still wanting to interact with them will lead to dates and such.

 

Hope you find something useful in there.

Edited May 5, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[SammySammy]

The thing that helped me most was letting go of expectations. Not lowering expectations, but releasing them.

 

Not wanting or expecting anything from a woman changes the dynamic - for her and for you. Removes that tense awkwardness. Allows both of you to relax and let the conversation flow naturally.

 

Then, practice. A lot. Anytime, anywhere. Continually strive to improve your ability to interact in an interesting way with anyone - not just attractive women.

 

At some point, it will become second nature to you.

[Porter56]

A lot of good advice, thanks guys.

 

Didn't go out last night...too tired after the gym(I'm getting old lol). I figured I would wait until the weekend, more people out on Friday and Saturday anyway. But I never thought about the gym as being a place to meet women. I'm usually very focused on what I'm doing so I'm not in a great place mentally to seek out women when I'm working out but thinking about it now...

 

Most the women that I have noticed there look preoccupied themselves: earbuds in, focused on their workout, or are in groups talking already etc etc. and they just don't seem approachable. Also, most the women there are out of my league anyway so I don't know about that.

 

I go to the gym almost everyday and to the local health food store so while I'm out I'll take the advice of just being more sociable in general and see what happens.

[Porter56]

I would also like to add that the town I live in seems to have more than it's fair share of rude/standoffish people.

 

It's a large town of around 200k and I am not originally from here so I have many friends from out of town visit and they all have mentioned that the people here are very uptight and/or unsociable in general. I moved here for a great job that I love but the more I think about my friends assessments of this place I'm inclined to agree with them. I actually talked to a friend of mine and have decided to go visit him for the weekend and go out with him to try my luck there because as he put it..."dude, don't try to flirt with girls there, they're legs are all connected at the knees " lol.

 

So...I don't want to make excuses but maybe a change of scenery will help...

[deadparrot]

Have you considered looking at Meetup groups in your area? Join a few related to your hobbies (a particular sport/type of exercise, film or book club, volunteering, trying new restaurants, etc.). That way, you've got a guaranteed conversation starter about something you know you're both into.

[Jabron1]

Tough isn't it?

 

You're already at war with yourself.

 

... and people think there isn't much to this 'game stuff'

 

Think you're finding out that it tests you on all kinds of levels.

 

Challenging but also hugely beneficial.

 

Also, most the women there are out of my league anyway so I don't know about that.

 

This is classic avoidance. You are trying to protect yourself from rejection.

 

Never make up a woman's mind for her. It defeats the whole purpose of approaching - which is to find out whether she likes you or not, basically. Rejection is to be expected. You will have to go through 10 no's to get a yes: that's an unavoidable part of the game.

 

Look mate, If we're talking leagues, I'd be very harsh, and rate myself a 6 in looks My ex was a 9 (amazing looking, but turned out to be a crappy person. I was hoodwinked lol). Point is that I got her because I made moves. An open mouth gets fed.

 

Game ---> Looks.

 

Any. Day.

 

Keep this 'leagues' point in mind, because I'm going to come back to it later

 

I would also like to add that the town I live in seems to have more than it's fair share of rude/standoffish people.

 

So...I don't want to make excuses but maybe a change of scenery will help...

 

This is a very harmful avoidance method. I'm going to crush this crap right now.

 

If you can't get laid, you can't get laid. End of.

 

If you can't get laid where you're at, going a few miles up the road isn't going to help. Things aren't going to get magically easier over at your mate's town.

 

Women are women. I've went out with a fair few different nationalities. Same game, each time.

 

Never entertain this excuse again. It's harmful, and will massively set you back. Absolutely no good can come from it.

 

But I never thought about the gym as being a place to meet women. I'm usually very focused on what I'm doing so I'm not in a great place mentally to seek out women when I'm working out

 

Fair enough. You're just starting out, and need to find your routine.

 

I have places and times that are pretty sacred to me too, and where I consider myself 'off duty'.

 

This thread was made about 'approach anxiety', but guilt is also a real problem. Feeling obligated to make approaches at anytime, and then kicking yourself for not doing so sucks, and drains the fun out of it.

 

You need to figure out a routine that works for you. I remember years ago when I worked right in a town centre, was able to wear whatever clothes I liked, had lots of free time, and used to go out in the busy street each lunch break... that job kicked arse

 

Right now, I work a job in a more remote location, so If I want to go out and sarge, I need to plan ahead.

 

Last time I did that was a month ago. Went out for a few hours on the busy streets of a nearby town and got some numbers.

 

You need to actually commit to this and figure out more of a routine.

 

the women there are out of my league anyway so I don't know about that.

 

Back to the 'leagues' thing.

 

The next time you go out, do this: approach the absolutely most stunning woman that you see in the street. Seriously, someone that you would never normally have the balls to.

 

Use a 'functional opener' (that's just asking for the time, or asking for directions). Functional openers are no pressure at all.

 

Look her dead in the eyes as an equal. You will know that you're doing it right if you can come back here and tell us her eye colour

 

After she gives you the time, or directions, or whatever, give her a compliment. It can be anything: compliment her style, compliment her accent (if she's foreign - lots of people are in England), you could even compliment her watch (if you asked her for the time).

 

You can have a chat after that, or just thank her for whatever it was you asked her for and mosey on down the street.

 

You'll soon learn that people are just people, and take these 'unicorns' off their pedestal

Edited May 5, 2016 by Jabron1

[Versacehottie]

A lot of good advice, thanks guys.

 

Didn't go out last night...too tired after the gym(I'm getting old lol). I figured I would wait until the weekend, more people out on Friday and Saturday anyway. But I never thought about the gym as being a place to meet women. I'm usually very focused on what I'm doing so I'm not in a great place mentally to seek out women when I'm working out but thinking about it now...

 

Most the women that I have noticed there look preoccupied themselves: earbuds in, focused on their workout, or are in groups talking already etc etc. and they just don't seem approachable. Also, most the women there are out of my league anyway so I don't know about that.

 

I go to the gym almost everyday and to the local health food store so while I'm out I'll take the advice of just being more sociable in general and see what happens.

 

Ok, you are starting to get it. Let me just point out that you should shift the goal from "seeking out women" to just "being sociable with those with similar interests". It feels like it's 50/50 about girls who don't like getting hit on at the gym. But that won't be what you are doing anyway. You will just be having conversations with like-minded individuals (and not just women you find attractive). See where that leads you. If the women tend to talk in groups, at one point you will be part of that group naturally from previous interactions.

 

I just said hi to a guy the other day who I haven't seen in over a year at the gym. He's friendly; I'm friendly. I have no idea what his intentions are toward me--doesn't matter. I think it's weirder to see the same faces almost every day and not even give them a "what's up" nod, which can at some point progress into a hi and so on and so forth. Lots of people do that. Do the baby steps: start out with minor conversations with those that seem approachable. Again, I'm going to say, don't rule out talking to other guys. Here's why. A while ago, I ran into my girl friend at the gym that I used to hang out with several years ago (mostly through a mutual friend who has since moved back to London). There was no reason to think she would be there and we have different types of schedules so I don't see her that often. Guess what though? She knows lots of people at the gym: women AND men. and is very talkative. Soooo you just never know where a road might lead.

 

BTW, I don't mind guys talking to me at the gym for the most part--as long as I am able to breathe normally!! Definitely not if he was a guy I would consider going out with. The only ones that are kinda of pesky are ones that make it obvious that they are hitting on you--when they don't know your status, etc. At the gym, it makes more sense to become acquaintances first. You can flirt and take it from there later on--which is what I would recommend in your situation because the nervousness will f*ck you up anyway if you straight go for it. AND also it's an ideal place for someone like you to look for new friends and maybe beyond that since you are into health and fitness and presumably so are they. Just remember keep your goals looser--to just have fun, make new friends. THEN you can take it from there. Good luck

[Versacehottie]

I would also like to add that the town I live in seems to have more than it's fair share of rude/standoffish people.

 

It's a large town of around 200k and I am not originally from here so I have many friends from out of town visit and they all have mentioned that the people here are very uptight and/or unsociable in general. I moved here for a great job that I love but the more I think about my friends assessments of this place I'm inclined to agree with them. I actually talked to a friend of mine and have decided to go visit him for the weekend and go out with him to try my luck there because as he put it..."dude, don't try to flirt with girls there, they're legs are all connected at the knees " lol.

 

So...I don't want to make excuses but maybe a change of scenery will help...

 

Hmmm, well it can be definitely notoriously rude where I am and so then you will stand out in a good way by being different than what happens normally where you live. Refreshing. Doing what others are not doing. Most of that in standoffish places is poser/just a front type stuff anyway. People are looking for the barrier to be broken. And if they react badly you just found out in less than 20 seconds that you wouldn't want to waste time with a person of that attitude anyway.

 

I thought of another gym story. I do this one class that is really hard and more mixed men and women than most classes at the gym. So there's a guy in it that I see often enough and we have commented to each other how hard it is. Like 2-3 months intermittenly when one day I'm at this cool bar with a bunch of my friends and I see him walk in. I can't remember where I know him from but I never forget a face and know I know him. It kinda comes back to me as he is looking for a place to sit down with 3 of his guy friends and a girl. We are 3 girls and one guy. I call him over, say hi and then we make room for them and end up hanging out with them all night. Point is: this is how stuff happens, if you just open up the possibilities. So 9 people and a myriad of possibilities for connection, either that night or in the future.

[jen1447]

OP, do you have any girl-friends? (Friends who are women.) Sometimes it can help to have a woman ride shotgun and watch and see just what you're doing or not doing right or wrong. (I'm not suggesting the wingwoman ploy where you use them as ins or to run interference, just as a low-key adviser.)

[Porter56]

I have never had any girls actually go out with me to help I've only every asked for advice. And what I get is usually tips on how to make myself more valuable to women...you know, raise me up a league lol

 

Seriously I see women and they just seem to have a lot going for them. One example I used earlier about the woman I work with and how she's travelled the world and I have just sat here in the midwest twiddling my thumbs lol.

 

I just see these women and think: sure they'd be nice and polite but what do I have to offer her....seriously, she's got life figured out what could I do to upgrade her life?

 

Yes I know....thinking too much. Don't focus on the "what if's" and results. Just try to relax, have fun and meet people,not just women. Broaden your social circle have fun and things will start to happen eventually. I am taking that approach this weekend but I just thought I'd give a little more insight into what's going on in my head in these moments.

[Versacehottie]

I have never had any girls actually go out with me to help I've only every asked for advice. And what I get is usually tips on how to make myself more valuable to women...you know, raise me up a league lol

 

Seriously I see women and they just seem to have a lot going for them. One example I used earlier about the woman I work with and how she's travelled the world and I have just sat here in the midwest twiddling my thumbs lol.

 

I just see these women and think: sure they'd be nice and polite but what do I have to offer her....seriously, she's got life figured out what could I do to upgrade her life?

 

Yes I know....thinking too much. Don't focus on the "what if's" and results. Just try to relax, have fun and meet people,not just women. Broaden your social circle have fun and things will start to happen eventually. I am taking that approach this weekend but I just thought I'd give a little more insight into what's going on in my head in these moments.

 

Ok two more tips: Always act as if you belong wherever you are! That raises your league right away. And your confidence. And in fact you do.

 

OMG, your heart is in the right place by wanting to "upgrade"/or bring something unique to your girl's life but it's too literal and not modern enough. Taking your example of a girl who has traveled the world while you have not: let her show you; choose new places to go together since she likes travel. For everything she has and has experienced, you will have some counterpoint that will be a selling point. If she's traveled but you've remained home in the midwest--I'll take a guess and say great family and midwestern values. Actually if you have those values are bound to go quite a bit deeper to your character, than a filled up passport would--while nice and can be indicative of lots of also great values or could mean relatively nothing other than "been a lot of places". If you really have a thought process like this, no wonder you would feel girls are out of your league. You are not going to outdo some girl in every category AND be attracted to her. And more importantly, there is no reason to outdo her in every category.

 

Lastly, I want to encourage you to also have your eyes open for opportunities with girls DURING the week and during every day activities. It's actually just as/more common to meet someone during those regular times rather than during the pressured weekend nights. But as you need experience and interactions, I say do it all (within reason, of course).

[Porter56]

Versacehottie, I am making an effort starting today to just be more social at work and to always be engaging with people.

 

I realize how my lack of success with women is just a symptom of a larger problem...my inability to be social in all situations. I develop tunnel vision when I'm working out or concentrating at my job. I do have a tendency to become preoccupied with things and be a little withdrawn sometimes.

 

I realize I'm the problem not women or other people. I need to work on myself. Off to work now so...see how it goes today.

[Kimura89]

Man I can so relate to this! I know how much it sucks, I recently had a massive breakthrough though so hopefully I can help.

 

I'm assuming the number one cause of anxiety is the fear of rejection? You have to let that go and I know it's easier said than done but hear me out. What helped me was just to approach without being outcome focused, it will take some practice but once you embed that into your mindset things become much easier.

 

You win some and you lose some, but it would be the major exception where you will endure a brutal, confidence shattering rejection. Most girls aren't like that, if they aren't interested they will be sneaky about it or just lie (I have a boyfriend, probably being the main one).

 

I was at a party recently and I just said **** it, approached a whole bunch of different girls with confidence (which I could tell they could sense). Some were very receptive, others not. But by nights end I ended up taking one of them home and sleeping with her, and had a another one following me around the party all night looking for attention. The point is if I didn't approach them and just hung around my own friends like I usually do, NONE of that would have happened at all. So sometimes it's good to jump into the deep end and outside your comfort zone.