Reltubsirch0412 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 Saturday night I had a first date with a woman I met on Eharmony. Everything went perfectly. She found excuses to touch me often. She told me she thought I was a "very very attractive man." She said I impressed her a great deal. She found excuses to touch my green button-up shirt as she told me how attractive I looked in that color......before she told me I'd look attractive in ANY color. She was in a sexy formal dress with a very short skirt showing lots of leg. She laughed and smiled a lot. The entire date lasted three hours. We were at a fancy restaurant, and the meal cost me $80. I would rather have gone to something less expensive, but I never complained. It was a very romantic restaurant with a piano player nearby singing Frank Sinatra tunes. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that there would be a second date. Sunday afternoon she texted me first. She knew I liked to go hiking on that day. She texted me to say she hoped I was enjoying myself. I was out of cell phone range, so I responded a couple of hours later. I asked her how her day was going......and I got no response. I tried calling her later that night to (1) see how she was doing and (2) set up a second date for next weekend.......no answer.....so I left a voicemail and assumed she'd call or at least text back. She never did. (Up until this point she was always very quick to respond to my phone calls and text messages.....of which there weren't all that many). Last night (Monday) I start getting worried. I sent her a text telling her I enjoyed my time with her and I'd like to see her again this coming weekend. That was 24 hours ago.....and, again, no response so far. To say that I am bewildered is an understatement. I won't call or text her again tonight — I may not reach out to her again, depending on what you guys say. Granted, none of you were there, and none of you know this woman or what's going through her head.......but, geez louise, do you guys have ANY theories on what may have happened here??? Should I try to contact her again? Some background (if it's helpful): She was married before, and her husband cheated on her. She said she would be very careful about selecting her next relationship because of what went wrong in her marriage. I'm a public figure — a journalist who writes about political stuff, some of which people might not like, but she never struck me as the political type. I gave her my business card, so I'm sure she looked my stuff up. We're both on the same page religion-wise. Again, any and all advice/insight is appreciated.
d0nnivain Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 She wanted a free meal at an expensive place with a public figure. She did what she had to do to get you to pick up the check. Sorry. 3
jen1447 Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Sunday afternoon she texted me first. She knew I liked to go hiking on that day. She texted me to say she hoped I was enjoying myself. I was out of cell phone range, so I responded a couple of hours later. I asked her how her day was going......and I got no response. Just a thought but was this part unexpected for her? If she went out on a limb and (in her eyes) got met with a 'player' ("whatever you do, don't reply to texts for at least 2 hours" etc.) response, it may have put her off. Esp if she's already bitten and cautious.
Author Reltubsirch0412 Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 She wanted a free meal at an expensive place with a public figure. She did what she had to do to get you to pick up the check. Sorry. Well, I'm in a large city, and I'd say people who don't follow politics most likely don't know who I am. She doesn't follow politics. As for the other thing, I offered four suggestions on where to meet and she shot down all of them because (1) she won't do franchise restaurants and (2) the other restaurants I suggested were too crowded on Saturday nights (even though the one we went to was still packed). If what you're saying is true then that's a new one on me, and I've probably gone on 150 dates in my life.
Author Reltubsirch0412 Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 Just a thought but was this part unexpected for her? If she went out on a limb and (in her eyes) got met with a 'player' ("whatever you do, don't reply to texts for at least 2 hours" etc.) response, it may have put her off. Esp if she's already bitten and cautious. Re-read what I wrote above. I was hiking in a park out of cell phone range when she texted me. I texted her back as soon as I saw the message.
RecentChange Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 My knee jerk reaction? Perhaps she met someone else who she finds even more attractive. She sounds like she really knows how to flirt, no offense, but maybe she always lays it on thick like this. Just guesses - none of us will know for certain. I think the free meal thing is less likely. Heck, around here $80 is a pretty standard meal at "regular" place without wine or drinks - I don't know that most woman would put on such a show for a plate of food. Not returning your calls or messages is really rude though 4
Standard-Fare Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Assuming she never gets back to you - I don't know if you'll ever be able to figure out this riddle. And it's not even worth trying. There could be a million explanations for why she went from enthusiastic to cold. Maybe she's mentally unstable. Maybe she's seeing someone else, and had second thoughts about starting up with someone new (you). Maybe she snooped online about you and found something she didn't like. ETC ETC. You'll just never know! Another possibility is that she's just super flaky and doesn't put much value on reliable communication. You MAY hear from her again, tomorrow or in a few days, when she suddenly decides it's the right time for her to be back in touch. Whatever's going on, you're doing the right thing by halting your effort. It's in her hands. 3
Author Reltubsirch0412 Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 Here's what I'm thinking of saying to her in a text (not necessarily tonight but perhaps tomorrow or later this week): "Normally I don't do this sort of thing, but I enjoyed your company Saturday night, and you really impressed me. People like you are hard to find. I'd love to hear from you again. If there's some misunderstanding over something then I'm happy to talk. If the feeling is no longer mutual or if other factors are in play then I'll totally respect that. You're a great catch and I'm sure you'll make some other man very happy one day." Thoughts? Should I send her this?
Cinnamonstix Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Here's what I'm thinking of saying to her in a text (not necessarily tonight but perhaps tomorrow or later this week): "Normally I don't do this sort of thing, but I enjoyed your company Saturday night, and you really impressed me. People like you are hard to find. I'd love to hear from you again. If there's some misunderstanding over something then I'm happy to talk. If the feeling is no longer mutual or if other factors are in play then I'll totally respect that. You're a great catch and I'm sure you'll make some other man very happy one day." Thoughts? Should I send her this? Noooooo. That's just too much, especially after one date. It will come off like you're obsessed with her and desperate. You've already called and texted twice without a single response. She's just not interested or interested in someone else more. Besides, no one believes what follows "normally I don't do this sort of thing..." 8
RecentChange Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 I know it - for the want of a more elegant word - sucks.... But I would NOT send her any more messages. Dont grovel for her - she won't respect you for it, and she has already displayed a lot of disrespect by not returning your other messages. She knows how to contact you, she has been online - yet has choosen to simply ignore you - not very nice. Even if you DID do something wrong - do you really want to be with someone who would choose to simply disregard you rather than say something? If she was that into you, she would have called / texted / messaged, but she choose to ignore you.
Author Reltubsirch0412 Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 OK. I won't send her any more messages then.
joseb Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Assuming she never gets back to you - I don't know if you'll ever be able to figure out this riddle. And it's not even worth trying. There could be a million explanations for why she went from enthusiastic to cold. Maybe she's mentally unstable. Maybe she's seeing someone else, and had second thoughts about starting up with someone new (you). Maybe she snooped online about you and found something she didn't like. ETC ETC. You'll just never know! Another possibility is that she's just super flaky and doesn't put much value on reliable communication. You MAY hear from her again, tomorrow or in a few days, when she suddenly decides it's the right time for her to be back in touch. Whatever's going on, you're doing the right thing by halting your effort. It's in her hands. Yeah unfortunately this isnt that rare. As others have said, could be anything ... another prospect pissed off u didnt reply to her text quickly doesnt like "how is your day" type messages wanted a free meal changed her mind about you after cooling off actually wanted a ONS and when you didn't escalate decided to find someone else Who know really. Definitely leave it - no more texting/calling. 2
Author Reltubsirch0412 Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 She's a devout Christian (or so she said) so I doubt it was a one-night-stand she was after.
Methodical Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Just a thought but was this part unexpected for her? If she went out on a limb and (in her eyes) got met with a 'player' ("whatever you do, don't reply to texts for at least 2 hours" etc.) response, it may have put her off. Esp if she's already bitten and cautious. Re-read what I wrote above. I was hiking in a park out of cell phone range when she texted me. I texted her back as soon as I saw the message. I think you are misinterpreting Jen's post. She asked if this woman is aware that you take hikes that extend beyond cell phone coverage? If not, she may have inaccurately assumed your lack of a timely response as that of a player. Regardless, getting pissy bc a text isn't responded to immediately after one date is immature if that is, indeed, her reason for not returning your phone calls or texts. At this point, you have put the ball in her court. If she doesn't respond (and it seems likely she won't) then move on.
jen1447 Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Re-read what I wrote above. I was hiking in a park out of cell phone range when she texted me. I texted her back as soon as I saw the message. I'm aware of what you wrote. Not trying to offer a sensible interpretation of the literal facts, but of what she may have perceived. Unless she was tracking you with GPS she wouldn't actually know for a fact you were out of cell phone range off in the hills or wherever. Ppl tell stories all the time, esp ppl who play games - just the sort she's apparently wary of. Here's what I'm thinking of saying to her in a text (not necessarily tonight but perhaps tomorrow or later this week): "Normally I don't do this sort of thing, but I enjoyed your company Saturday night, and you really impressed me. People like you are hard to find. I'd love to hear from you again. If there's some misunderstanding over something then I'm happy to talk. If the feeling is no longer mutual or if other factors are in play then I'll totally respect that. You're a great catch and I'm sure you'll make some other man very happy one day." Thoughts? Should I send her this? Everything else aside, avoid calling women "great catches" - cludgy for our times unless you're a senior or close. 1
joseb Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 She's a devout Christian (or so she said) so I doubt it was a one-night-stand she was after. Yeah probably not in that case ... though you never know. I was only throwing that in based on the very short skirt and her excessive flirting. 1
Author Reltubsirch0412 Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 Yeah probably not in that case ... though you never know. I was only throwing that in based on the very short skirt and her excessive flirting. She was offended by the very concept of Tinder, and she said she would never put a profile there.
Poutrew Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 It sounds like you got set up by a player. Yes, there really are female players. All that stuff she did while at the restaurant, it sounds almost like it was programmed, robotic. She knew what you were expecting, and she earned her supper. Don't contact her again. I would bet that as soon as she gets a hankering for free haut cuisine, she will give you a call and come up with some excuse for you to pay for another probably even more expensive meal, like hundred buck Chuck... personally, the red flag for me was the not eating at places like Chiles, or Red Robin - you know, places where the common riff-raff put on the feed bag. I wonder how wide her eyes would widen if you popped open a Coors and gave the can to her to drink out of... 1
Superman2024 Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 It seems she has pretty poor character to ignore you like that. You'd think a "Christian" would act better but even that seems rare these days. To me, she's showing a red flag and isn't worth anymore of your time. Usually I just meet women for ice cream or a casual meal on a first online date. It's fun, low pressure, and inexpensive.
fitnessfan365 Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Ouch man, that sucks. But at the very least, you learned a valuable lesson. NEVER do an expensive dinner date with a woman you met online the first time you're getting together in person. Keep it to $10 or less. Since you've never even spent time with her yet, the only thing you owe her is the pleasure of your company. Save the romance for when some is actually developing. 4
Standard-Fare Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Want to just interject one thought here, re: comments that she was "out for a free dinner." PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT. That's not anywhere in the realm of normal behavior for anyone who's not HOMELESS and/or seriously deprived. No one's going to put forth the effort of arranging a date online, getting all dressed up, meeting with a stranger, flirting, etc. just to manipulate a free meal, however nice the restaurant is. I find that suggestion ridiculous. 7
d0nnivain Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Want to just interject one thought here, re: comments that she was "out for a free dinner." PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT. That's not anywhere in the realm of normal behavior for anyone who's not HOMELESS and/or seriously deprived. No one's going to put forth the effort of arranging a date online, getting all dressed up, meeting with a stranger, flirting, etc. just to manipulate a free meal, however nice the restaurant is. I find that suggestion ridiculous. As I sit here I can name at least 10 women off the top of my head that do it all the time. In my 20s my extended family would recommend I do that; I wasn't like that. Just because you don't know anybody who does that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. When DH was doing OLD, he mentioned his favorite restaurant in his profile. It's a pretty swanky expensive place (dinner for 2 is easily $150). He told me he got at least 1 contact every day from some woman asking if he'd take her there on their initial meet. I don't know anybody who robs banks, physically abuses their spouse, molests children or shoots heroin. Does that mean that people in the world don't do those things? 2
elaine567 Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 As I sit here I can name at least 10 women off the top of my head that do it all the time. and... I offered four suggestions on where to meet and she shot down all of them because (1) she won't do franchise restaurants and (2) the other restaurants I suggested were too crowded on Saturday nights (even though the one we went to was still packed). Doesn't do franchises, doesn't do crowds, but pretty happy in expensive places... She used you for a lovely night out in a fancy restaurant. Had their been some genuine spark, she may have considered repeating the process, but your "overwhelming success" was apparently only from your POV. My guess that during your hike she got a better offer or just decided against you. Sorry! 3
Lois_Griffin Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 She's a devout Christian (or so she said) so I doubt it was a one-night-stand she was after. If you're a tree-hugging pro-choice liberal and she found some of your writings, that could do it. But I'm assuming that's not the case. You've thrown the ball - numerous times now - into her court. She's chosen not to lobby it back and i have to say, it's completely rude and disrespectful of her to not even acknowledge your messages. shame on her. But I agree with you - I highly doubt she went on this 3 hour date all dolled up and put on some kind of charade simply for a free dinner.
d0nnivain Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 I highly doubt she went on this 3 hour date all dolled up and put on some kind of charade simply for a free dinner. Women who play this game enjoy getting all dolled up & playing the charade. It's fun for them. 1
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