DMM1980 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 Long story short, I met a girl online about three years ago. We started talking and became interested in each other romantically. Problem was I had a GF and she had a BF. We lost contact for three years, but reconnected in January of 2016. We were both single now. We talked for hours every day and we truthfully fell in love with each other. We finally met in person in February.. She lives in California, I live in Denver. We clicked almost instantly and I had a great time with her. The plan was for me to move out to California so we could be together, which isn’t an issue for me because I could transfer at work. So the minute I get back home, the trouble starts. She blocks me from Facebook which I found odd. She kept bringing up her ex (a different one) and told me she is close friends with his sister so she still saw him from time to time. Well about two weeks later, she hooked up with him, which absolutely crushed me. A few days later, she tells me she doesn’t know if she wants to be with him or me and she says she needs time. About a week later, she calls me and said she wants to be with me like we planned. Everything is going fine until she tells me one night when she didn’t answer her phone she fell asleep at her ex’s place (on the couch) while hanging out with his sister. I rightfully lost my s**t right there and then. It really wasn’t the same after that. We stopped talking, she unfriended me on Facebook, I thought that was the end of her. A few days ago, she friend requested me on Facebook. I accepted and then she texts me a few days later. I don’t know what to think of this? What does she want from me? I truly am in love with this girl. I’ve never met no one like her. I’ve never been so sad about being apart from someone in my 25+ years that I have been dating. I wasn’t even this sad when I got divorced. I don’t know what it is about her, but I really love her still and I want to be with her. I really don’t know what to do.. why is she texting me now?? What’s going on?
Zahara Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 So she was emotionally cheating on her partner with you. Then you and her make plans to be together and suddenly she hides herself from you because she's sleeping with this other guy from time to time (pretty sure it just wasn't that one time). You both get back together and again she's back in the ex's vicinity. Everything blows up and now she's back again. You reconnected in January. Met in February. And you're uprooting to be with her. You hardly know this person. Infact, she's just shown you she's not the person you got to know over phone calls. Does why really matter? Love doesn't justify engaging in a situation that isn't healthy for you. You both started off cheating and at this point there is still behavior on her part that is untrustworthy. Even if you got back with her, could you possibly feel secure and stable in your relationship?
Author DMM1980 Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 she broke up with him last summer, so when I went to California to meet her she wasn't with him. If I was with her all the time I could trust her. It just sucks because I miss her so much. We had a lot of fun together. I'm usually not like this. When I end a relationship I just get over it, lay low for a while and meet someone new. Why I still have feelings for her I don't understand....
Zahara Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 she broke up with him last summer, so when I went to California to meet her she wasn't with him. If I was with her all the time I could trust her. It just sucks because I miss her so much. We had a lot of fun together. I'm usually not like this. When I end a relationship I just get over it, lay low for a while and meet someone new. Why I still have feelings for her I don't understand.... You mentioned you both were corresponding and became romantically interested, while you both were with other people. Emotionally cheating. Red flag 1. Then you go to her and you plan to be together but she's sleeping with another guy -- that is why she blocked you. Red flag 2. She didn't want you to see what she was up to. Then more of the same behavior. Red flag 3. I think it's more so your disappointment for the dreams and schemes you had built up in your mind and heart only to be abruptly cut at the knees. That's why it is hard for you to let go. Everything turned 180 in a flash and that kind of shock is hard to grasp. Of course you'll still have feelings for her -- it's not just going to go away over the span of days. I would suggest maintaining NC. 1
Author DMM1980 Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 You mentioned you both were corresponding and became romantically interested, while you both were with other people. Emotionally cheating. Red flag 1. Then you go to her and you plan to be together but she's sleeping with another guy -- that is why she blocked you. Red flag 2. She didn't want you to see what she was up to. Then more of the same behavior. Red flag 3. I think it's more so your disappointment for the dreams and schemes you had built up in your mind and heart only to be abruptly cut at the knees. That's why it is hard for you to let go. Everything turned 180 in a flash and that kind of shock is hard to grasp. Of course you'll still have feelings for her -- it's not just going to go away over the span of days. I would suggest maintaining NC. No contact is probably the best. One of my best friends (who is a girl) said the same thing. She is pissed that I even texted her back. It's not like I'm in high school and this is a crush. I'm 40 years old LOL I've been around the block a few times and this is so hard to let go. Even if I block her from Facebook, I'm still going to wonder what she's up to. When we didn't talk for two years and I couldn't find her I always wondered what happened to her.
Zahara Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 No contact is probably the best. One of my best friends (who is a girl) said the same thing. She is pissed that I even texted her back. It's not like I'm in high school and this is a crush. I'm 40 years old LOL I've been around the block a few times and this is so hard to let go. Even if I block her from Facebook, I'm still going to wonder what she's up to. When we didn't talk for two years and I couldn't find her I always wondered what happened to her. I'm in my 40's and made some bad choices too! You're not alone. I can see why your friend would be pissed that you responded. Yes, you'll wonder but in time you'll forget or she may come to your mind in passing but it isn't going to hurt. You'll emotionally detach and start focusing and becoming optimistic on what's ahead. You wondered before because the terms were very different. You both drifted apart and there was this unresolved connection with her. Now you have fact and truth to close that door. There are no more what ifs because you attempted a go at this and it didn't work out. There's your finality and acceptance. 2
lolablue17 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I have an advice for you - If you want a life with no mental stability, with lots of worries, confusion, sleepless nights, frustration, etc... Go ahead and contact her. I promise you, you'll get what you want... 2
Space Ritual Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 (edited) No contact is probably the best. One of my best friends (who is a girl) said the same thing. She is pissed that I even texted her back. It's not like I'm in high school and this is a crush. I'm 40 years old LOL I've been around the block a few times and this is so hard to let go. Even if I block her from Facebook, I'm still going to wonder what she's up to. When we didn't talk for two years and I couldn't find her I always wondered what happened to her. I feel for you. When I was 40 I had my one and only experience with online dating that totally blew up in my face with some similarities. I think more than one of us guys here on L/S have had something of this nature occur right around that age...lol. It really knocked me for a loop too so I can appreciate how hard this is hitting you. All I can say is that your best course of action would be to delete this girl from your life entirely. From what you describe in your other posts their may be a question as to whether this ex boyfriend of hers that she says is an ex even knows that you exist. The part about this guy's sister and her being close and how weird she acted about that would cause me to think that as well. she is probably on and off with this guy and they argue and she dumps him and searches you out for validation emotionally. Then they patch things up and have sex and you are a thing of the past until the next time they fight. You simply need to accept something I had to in my situation as well. You are nothing but a tool for her validation, which can be tossed aside and picked up at any time by her. It happened to me and it is basically what is happening to you Please please please make her insignificant. Phone number, email address, any contact n social media...blocked and gone. Change your phone number if you have to. Grieve if you must but make it short and get back to your life. The goal here is to reach the point of indifference abut this woman and the best way to do that is to sever all ties as fast as possible. No Contact means no new things to get upset about....think of it that way. Good luck. Edited May 3, 2016 by Space Ritual spelling 2
joseb Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 No contact is probably the best. One of my best friends (who is a girl) said the same thing. She is pissed that I even texted her back. It's not like I'm in high school and this is a crush. I'm 40 years old LOL I've been around the block a few times and this is so hard to let go. Even if I block her from Facebook, I'm still going to wonder what she's up to. When we didn't talk for two years and I couldn't find her I always wondered what happened to her. Well, sorry but you are acting like in high school and you have a crush. This all sounds truly awful - emotional long distance cheating to start - falling "in love" online - as you are finding out, you don't know anyone and it counts for nothing untill you meet - her cheating on you with various guys whenever she wants - her blocking you and unblocking you whenever she wants, and you running back chasing her and begging her Have some self respect and block her and never think of her again. When you are ready, find someone else who is real and you can meet (i.e. not another online "romance"). 2
Author DMM1980 Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 I feel for you. When I was 40 I had my one and only experience with online dating that totally blew up in my face with some similarities. I think more than one of us guys here on L/S have had something of this nature occur right around that age...lol. It really knocked me for a loop too so I can appreciate how hard this is hitting you. All I can say is that your best course of action would be to delete this girl from your life entirely. From what you describe in your other posts their may be a question as to whether this ex boyfriend of hers that she says is an ex even knows that you exist. The part about this guy's sister and her being close and how weird she acted about that would cause me to think that as well. she is probably on and off with this guy and they argue and she dumps him and searches you out for validation emotionally. Then they patch things up and have sex and you are a thing of the past until the next time they fight. You simply need to accept something I had to in my situation as well. You are nothing but a tool for her validation, which can be tossed aside and picked up at any time by her. It happened to me and it is basically what is happening to you Please please please make her insignificant. Phone number, email address, any contact n social media...blocked and gone. Change your phone number if you have to. Grieve if you must but make it short and get back to your life. The goal here is to reach the point of indifference abut this woman and the best way to do that is to sever all ties as fast as possible. No Contact means no new things to get upset about....think of it that way. Good luck. Her ex did not know of me. She claims she has no contact with him now and said he's blocked from her Facebook which from what I can see over the last month is true. I think I just needed closure with her like someone else said on here. We had feelings that were unexplored now I know it didn't work. I don't want to let go though as crappy as that sounds. I know I have to and you all on here are being bluntly honest and I think I need that now.
Space Ritual Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Just remember that the term "Closure" is a fleeting thing. I can only speak for myself but I would be willing to bet the majority of people who have sought out some form of closure in these situations were far less than satisfied with the answers they got if they even got any. So please be very careful. Life is far too short to give much time to grieve fr these things. I realized that when I came to the realization I had more days behind me than I do ahead of me. 1
joseb Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Closure is blocking her and moving on. And learning something from your experience. 1
truth_seeker Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 I've been through these experiences and I'm close to your age OP. In the past I always wanted the last word or action before blocking someone out of my life. It helped me move forward... now, I just let them go and know people who do bad to me, karma will eventually get them in some form or another. Let the universe do its job.
Jabron1 Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 (edited) Have some self respect and block her and never think of her again. This really is an issue of self-respect. You aren't respecting yourself, and so she isn't respecting you either. People who disrespect you should be treated with contempt. In the past I always wanted the last word or action before blocking someone out of my life. It helped me move forward... now, I just let them go It's the best way. Last words and silly drama will only make him feel worse. And he'll still be giving her attention. Closure is blocking her and moving on. And learning something from your experience. Yep. She's toxic. Don't engage with her in any way again. Edited May 8, 2016 by Jabron1 2
truth_seeker Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Last words and silly drama will only make him feel worse. And he'll still be giving her attention. You're right to an extent... for the most part it's good to be mature and walk away. Just drop all the nonsense and walk. There though are times the last word or action is needed to put the person in their place. Let them know the world doesn't revolve around them. It will make you feel good and even maybe change that person for the better.
Jabron1 Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 You're right to an extent... for the most part it's good to be mature and walk away. Just drop all the nonsense and walk. There though are times the last word or action is needed to put the person in their place. Let them know the world doesn't revolve around them. It will make you feel good and even maybe change that person for the better. Going off on one might make you feel better for about ten minutes, but then I've always felt worse after. And I seriously doubt it's ever changed anyone for the better Always better to just walk away with as less drama as possible, in my opinion. Keep your dignity; keep your power. Be better than the situation OP should just ghost and move on with his life.
Mrin Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 Dude. Forgive my vulgarity but you are just p****whipped. It happens to the best of us. And there is a bit of want what you can't have-itis. Best to just say goodbye and block. Look up the term "limerence"
truth_seeker Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 Going off on one might make you feel better for about ten minutes, but then I've always felt worse after. And I seriously doubt it's ever changed anyone for the better Always better to just walk away with as less drama as possible, in my opinion. Keep your dignity; keep your power. Be better than the situation OP should just ghost and move on with his life. True about feeling worse after sticking it to somebody. I hate doing it but sometimes you have to put people in their place. It's the only way they're going to learn and respect you.
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