ladymuck Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Hi, I dont really know if this post is even gonna end up as a vent or a question!! I ended my marriage just under a year ago and i have an 18m old beautiful little girl who means more to me than anything. i vowed to myself i would not get into another relationship as its just too much hassle, too easy to get hurt etc etc. Anyway i just started dating a guy about 5 weeks ago . At 1st i was just trying to see it as company and taking each day as it comes. when i ended my marriage it was because my feelings had changed a long time ago and i just couldnt go on living a lie when i only saw my husband as a friend. i still loved him in this way though and it was the hardest thing ive ever done. i say i will never be hurt again. if i can end a marriage i can do anything. Problem is i know im lying to myself. the last week i can feel feelings creeping in for this guy. This guy is like a closed book. He says hes no good at relationships (he was about to end one when we got together). He says he will never marry or live with someone again or have kids. hes happy as he is. Ive heard through friends that he seems happier than he has for a long time and talks about me all the time but i wouldnt know this from being with him. in one way he is very affectionate but as far as talking it stays very superficial. part of me thinks that the fact he is so closed is like a magnet to me (suppose u always want what u cant have and its like a challenge) but also i dont want to get hurt. he has no job at the mo so its difficult to c each other that often because of a lack of money and stuff. i find i am trying to hold back and i dont know if he is doing the same or whether im just a fling. Ugh im just soooo confused. thankyou if u managed to get this far . any advice about whether im just setting myself up for a fall will be welcome. tyia
moimeme Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 This guy is like a closed book. He says hes no good at relationships (he was about to end one when we got together). He says he will never marry or live with someone again or have kids. hes happy as he is. Always believe a man who says this. You now think you have feelings for him and so your inner hopes are that he will magically change and fall for you when he has fallen for no other. However that is just hope talking. You do yourself no favours if you think you can read his mind and that when he said he would never marry or live with someone, he wasn't serious. But if he said it, he believes it. Besides, he won't even talk to you. How boring would that be? I think you just want someone around and this one seems slightly acceptable so you've glommed onto him. Not saying you're doing this consciously, but nonetheless it will get you the same result - a guy that will be no fun at all to have a relationship with. Do yourself a favour and drop him before you get totally hooked on this guy.
Marshbear Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 This is so typical of women in general. You see him as a challenge as he is mysterious, exciting, unpredictable, not a door-mat and not a friend. Since you felt only friendship for your H. you now want someone who stirs the opposite emotions in you ( danger, lust, etc ). These guys can be exciting for the short term but usually are a nightmare for women as they bring many undesirable qualities for a relationship. You like the excitement but then as you start to feel for him you want to change him into the qualities of your H. Most of them cannot be changed and if you try you will probably get hurt. You either accept him as he is or you look elsewhere. Peace...
moimeme Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 This is so typical of women in general The only way it is 'typical' is that we fall for the entirely wrong men and then allow hope to persuade us that they are the right men. It's not that we want a challenge, it's that we foolishly think 'love conquers all' and if only we love someone enough, he will fall for us in return. It's the Harlequin Romance syndrome.
Marshbear Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme The only way it is 'typical' is that we fall for the entirely wrong men and then allow hope to persuade us that they are the right men. It's not that we want a challenge, it's that we foolishly think 'love conquers all' and if only we love someone enough, he will fall for us in return. It's the Harlequin Romance syndrome. We are saying the exact thing but I am saying them in men's words and you are saying them in women's words. Peace...
moimeme Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 I'm not buying the 'women want a challenge' or the 'excitement of lust and danger' bits.
Author ladymuck Posted June 21, 2005 Author Posted June 21, 2005 thankyou both of u for your replys. i actually do think ur both right. initially because i was determined i wasnt gonna "fall for" anyone it was the fact he was so different from my ex, the excitement, the lust and the "unobtainable" that i suppose i was attracted to. problem is i was naive enough to not realise my feelings would creep up on me. i came so close yesterday to breaking away but the problem is i keep thinking about the fact that it was him that initially said he didnt just want a one night stand, his friends have been saying hes always talking about me and seems really happy and when he said about never living with anyone blah blah he did say "i may change my mind at some point". also we get on so well, although he doesnt talk about "deep" stuff we talk and talk about other stuff and have loads of fun and the sex is amazing. he asked me a few weeks ago about going away together one night and weve been on a day trip with the baby and hes fab with her. i just think "what if?" i do appreciate the advice and in my head i know i should follow it but its difficukt when ur heart is also telling u different isnt it? upset me last night cause i was talking (on IM) about going out for my friends birthday and he cant cause totally skint (know thats genuine) and i said to tell me when he wants to come over cause i got petrol but that i wont ask cause dont want to b a pain in the ass. well i said a couple more things and when he replied he totally ignored what i had said about coming over and stuff so i thought he was brushing me off. felt like crap all day but then he was fine on IM today and when i mentioned he said he hadnt even seen me write that and said im being silly. ugh i hate who im becoming. i spend hours on Im waiting for him to come online to talk and thats not me. maybe i am hoping "love will conquer all" but i know thats just sad!!
moimeme Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Love never conquers all. It especially doesn't conquer a man's determination to never marry again. Once in a very long while it might happen but I would definitely not put my hopes on it.
Author ladymuck Posted June 21, 2005 Author Posted June 21, 2005 hi again, thing is hes never actually been maried and i say that i would never marry again. not in a million years. its just that i would like to think theres SOME chance of this going somewhere.
kellyp1 Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 I just went through this with a guy who didn't know if he would ever have a girlfriend again. Told me that was way too far down the road to even think about (he is 31) if he might change his mind later and want a girlfriend. I am old enough to see the warning signs though and not waste my time and heart with him. It will hurt but you have to make the break because if you are around, men will think you should still be able to date, get your affection and sleep with you. I made my break by waiting a week and then writing an email where I tell him I can't be in contact (he was thinking a week might be plenty of time for me to be over him and us to be friends) with him because I have genuine feelings I needed to get over. I also told him that if somewhere down the road the desire to be his friend comes up, I will let him know. It is too easy when you have feelings and someone else does not to let it slip into something else. Marsh - part of it is the challenge, that you believe you can make a man change by who you are. Moimemehe - the other part is the romance that women are looking for in life - fed by the Hollywood love stories, the chance encounters and the hope that one day, the man will wake up and realize how wonderful the woman is. It leaves out the flaws that the woman might have in addition to the flaw that most men will never see what they are missing. Regardless, good luck!
Author ladymuck Posted June 22, 2005 Author Posted June 22, 2005 kelly ur right, and i know thats what i need to do. stupid thing is im bloody old enough to know better too. i just feel so vulnerable and part of me doesnt know if its just him ill miss or actually having someone around. after splitting with my husband i got used to night in night out on my own once the baby went to bed but im used to some company now and thought of going back to that bleakness scares me. i cant believe i had the strength to end a 6 year relationship to a guy i was married to and i cant do the same to a 6 wk 'relationship' (use that term in the loosest sense) suppose i knew my ex inside out and i battled for a long time to try and get the feelings back id lost and tried so hard that in the end i knew there was no other choice. i dont know that theres not even a slightest possibility of this turning out ok so i suppose im just hoping. yea pathetic i know. im gonna try my best to act cool and not do any more of the running. leave the ball in his court so to say (just dont know if i can do that)
kellyp1 Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 First, don't be so hard on yourself and remember why you ended your marriage - because things were not going as they should. Trust me that I know it is hard. I am 33, smart, decent looking, but haven't had a boyfriend in over 7 years. I have made those wrong choices a lot and I am alone. I am scared to be alone and it is hard to leave because I think I can make things right with my "special powers" and he will love me. But I am getting old enough to know better and too tired to care. Be strong and enjoy life. Know you will find the right guy somewhere down the road and you will appreciate this time you have had to yourself. Pamper yourself, do some volunteer work and appreciate your temporary independence from a man. I have been putting in time at the Soup Kitchen to gain some perspective on life. And then I don't think about the men that have hurt me but how I can help these people who hardly have anything. I did hear an interesting quote today. I was watching a rerun of "Ed" and Tom Cavanaugh the main character was talking with Julie Bowen on why women choose the guy that is bad for them. She said it was cause of the excitement and danger. He countered back with that it was because it was safe. With the wrong guy, you know how it will end and can justify holding back part of your heart. With the right guy, it is a lot more dangerous and scary. That could also be part of the reason we want to hold on to these wrong guys. Interesting thought...
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