FEELING DUPED-BF still on dating sites

[katiegrl]

Apologies for my misinterpreting his use of the L word. This is where I got that from.

 

In either event, he's 40 something years old and he sounds like an emotional cripple if he's already telling you he 'loves' you after only knowing you for a month.

 

 

In any event, not sure how helpful our posts are anymore.

 

You do what is right for YOU. If you want to talk this out, then that is what you should do.

 

Play this out.

 

For me? I would have no desire after this, no matter how intoxicating the chemistry was (or is). But that's just me. You do YOU.

 

Best of luck.

[SunnyWeather]

Apologies for my misinterpreting his use of the L word. This is where I got that from.

 

 

 

In any event, not sure how helpful our posts are anymore.

 

You do what is right for YOU. If you want to talk this out, then that is what you should do.

 

Play this out.

 

For me? I would have no desire after this, no matter how intoxicating the chemistry was (or is). But that's just me. You do YOU.

 

Best of luck.

 

thanks.

 

ya, I don't know where the L word got dropped, not what he was saying...but he did use lots of terms of endearment, which is not uncommon in his and my culture to do...

 

thanks KG, you're insight is spot on, and if it were me reading this post I'd prob be harking the same. I'm still processing all this, it JUST happened a day or so ago...and emotions and hormones are still at play, but my mind and assessment-abilities are still intact

 

cheers, will update you, IF there is an update

[SunnyWeather]

-he will likely lie again

-he could very well turn this around on you

-you might get sucked back in, since it sounds like he's a charmer

 

All in all, you are effectively disrespecting yourself by entertaining any sort of interaction (other than "buh bye!") after the lying, which really should be a deal breaker for you. You need to have firm boundaries to be successful in the dating world. When someone crosses them, you move on, no need to talk about it. Obviously if this was a year or two in it's a different story but this is a one month thing.

 

oooh, very succinct and helpful! thanks

[Cinnamonstix]

oooh, very succinct and helpful! thanks

 

You seem level-headed, as you are taking the time to process things before reacting and are receptive to the advice here. Don't give up on dating because of one ass-hat. I think you'll do just fine out there. Good on you for getting your feet wet again.

[Ami1uwant]

My two cents.....

 

My initial reaction is Web sites register activity just be looking at an email.

 

He actually talk to a friend freely. Talking isn't enough. Would have asker her to have a date with him and have fun at his expense.

 

Likely your friend asked some odd questions.

[katiegrl]

My two cents.....

 

My initial reaction is Web sites register activity just be looking at an email.

 

He actually talk to a friend freely. Talking isn't enough. Would have asker her to have a date with him and have fun at his expense.

 

 

He did ask her friend for a date. In fact, she (the friend) went off line and when she returned there was another message from him following up on his first invite.

 

I guess inviting her once wasn't enough. He just had to invite her again for good measure I guess.

[Popsicle]

My two cents.....

 

My initial reaction is Web sites register activity just be looking at an email.

 

He actually talk to a friend freely. Talking isn't enough. Would have asker her to have a date with him and have fun at his expense.

 

Likely your friend asked some odd questions.

 

I totally agree.Those websites show you online even when you're not online. Also, when's the date with him and your friend?

[Popsicle]

He did ask her friend for a date. In fact, she (the friend) went off line and when she returned there was another message from him following up on his first invite.

 

I guess inviting her once wasn't enough. He just had to invite her again for good measure I guess.

 

I just think there's some embellishments going on here by everyone, including OP, out of fear and that is not completely fair to him. He should get a chance to explain.

[katiegrl]

I just think there's some embellishments going on here by everyone, including OP, out of fear and that is not completely fair to him. He should get a chance to explain.

 

Just out of curiosity why do you think that?

 

Do you not believe there are men out there who are capable of conning a woman? Playing her?

 

Telling her one thing while behaving the exact opposite?

 

That men don't lie when it serves their purpose?

 

Well there are... personally I have been fortunate enough NOT to ever been involved with one but I know plenty of women, including on this board, who have.

 

I know men don't have it easy either - they have their own share of problems to deal with too.... from women.

 

But people suck sometimes. There is a lot of dishonesty out there. People who lack integrity.... and moral fiber.

 

That's reality.

 

IMO the writing is on the wall here. We can try to color it over to make it look less ugly, but that won't change the facts.

 

He agreed to be exclusive, but still has an active profile running and is emailing and asking out other chicks.

 

No he's NOT doing it to get back at her because he suspects she checked.

 

That is ludicrous. He's doing it because he is a liar and a scammer.

 

The end.

Edited May 4, 2016 by katiegrl

[Popsicle]

Katie, it's an embellishment if you haven't found out from the source itself what the reason is and what was done. If he is a conman it will come to light in a much clearer way without any guesswork. That could even be when he explains his actions but he at least deserves his day in court.

[Cinnamonstix]

Katie, it's an embellishment if you haven't found out from the source itself what the reason is and what was done. If he is a conman it will come to light in a much clearer way without any guesswork. That could even be when he explains his actions but he at least deserves his day in court.

 

If we're going to use law analogies, I'd say this is a pretty textbook case of ass-hattery. Case closed

[katiegrl]

Katie, it's an embellishment if you haven't found out from the source itself what the reason is and what was done. If he is a conman it will come to light in a much clearer way without any guesswork. That could even be when he explains his actions but he at least deserves his day in court.

 

Pops we KNOW what was done.

 

He agreed to exclusivity.

His on line profile is still active.

He responded to a message from another woman (okay her friend but HE doesn't know that. There would be NO WAY for him to know that).

He asked that woman out.

When said woman never replied he followed up and asked her out AGAIN.

 

Meanwhile, he is sending all sorts of lovey dovey texts to OP.... and is still on line!

 

How much more clearer can it get?

 

There is no reason he could give to justify this. He lied when he agreed to exclusivity. Period.

 

We have facts, solid evidence Pops. The text exchanges between him and this girl on line wherein he asked her out and followed up.

 

And most likely text messages between him and OP discussing and agreeing to exclusivity.

 

If this were a court of law, he wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

 

I know that because I work in law.

Edited May 4, 2016 by katiegrl

[AndOrchid]

Ugh. I'm sorry but this all sounds so JUVENILE.

 

What is the point of rushing into exclusivity with someone 2 weeks in only to start baiting them online? And when they "fail" the test, start asking strangers on a forum to guess the guy's intentions and condemn him before/instead of just talking to him?

 

Also, to play devil's advocate, we don't KNOW that he doesn't know this woman was OP's friend. Maybe they're FB friends, maybe they interact on other social sites; it's not out of the realm of possibility that he might have found out this was her friend and that this was a "trap". It does say in the original post that he said: 1. He learned that partners check on each other. 2. He will tell OP what he means by that in person, and 3. He wants to meet the friend to discuss his relationship status.

 

Is this the most likely explanation? Maybe not but either way the mature thing is to at least have a discussion. Unless of course OP doesn't want to own up to her own less than stellar behaviour.

 

Oh, and also, nice touch painting a whole culture with the same brush (I am not Persian but just saying).

[katiegrl]

Perhaps OP could come back and clarify if there was any way he could have known they were friends.

 

Like FB or any other form of social media.

 

Because if there was, then I will admit that when he received her friend's message on the site, he may have been testing her right back.

 

But that still doesn't explain why he still had an active profile which he was still active on after agreeing to be exclusive with OP.

 

And exclusivity does not mean commitment. It simply means let's focus on each other to see where this will lead, if anywhere.

 

And if a couple is dating and having sex, I think they should be exclusive.

 

My bf/fiance of six years (now ex), and I decided to not see others after the second date. We were *that* into each other and had no desire to see other people.

 

We had sex the first night we met!

 

Anyway, OP can you clarify whether or not there was a possibility he could have known you were friends with her? Is she on your FB, for example?

[katiegrl]

SW had a date scheduled with him tonight and is probably with him as write this.

 

My guess is they will talk and work through this somehow.

 

Just a guess though.

[AndOrchid]

I agree and that's how I proceeded with my boyfriend as well. But if OP is so mistrustful that she needs to start setting up bait as soon as they establish exclusivity, then she should wait to have sex/wait for exclusivity in the first place.

 

The whole thing just left a bitter taste in my mouth. I'm not saying he's for sure not shady but I think there are lessons to learn from this.

[SunnyWeather]

SW had a date scheduled with him tonight and is probably with him as write this.

 

My guess is they will talk and work through this somehow.

 

Just a guess though.

 

actually, NO

 

I have a life, and I cancelled the date.

 

I need a bit of a break y'all. Thank you so much for your comments. I'm going to sleep on these some more and will give an update when I have one.

 

cheers

[SunnyWeather]

HELLO community

 

Thought I'd give an update, hopefully the brief version, lol

 

I let things chill out, needed to pause and take some time to reflect upon the situation. We eventually met up again, and quickly things escalated in intensity like they had from day one.

 

I fretted with what to do with all of this, intended to have 'the talk', but you know what? He instead took the lead and told me how he needs to talk with me about something, which I'm pretty certain was related to the faux conversation with a potential new 'friend'.

 

Instead, things got heated and deep between us immediately, and it was clear that what was/is happening between us is so much bigger than the stupid chat on the online dating website. we ended up spending the last 2 or so weeks together, basically living together and getting to know each other on a real intimate level, issues (though minor) and all...

 

At some point he declared his feelings for me and spoke of his desire to be with me (told in the sweetest most transparent and emotionally-honest way ). we continued to discuss and explore just how we would like our relationship to be like. I was very open about being open to alternate sort of arrangements, but he was clear that that is NOT to his liking, which thankfully, I was relieved with because I am, at my deepest core, quite old fashioned. Our values line up in many areas...

 

The fact is, there were and have been (and probably will continue to be) language issues, misunderstandings etc. The notion that we were not to be talking with others was never really established, it was all quite vague and as you may recall, only touched upon at week 2.

 

Another twist to this is that he is quite new to the US and naive in many ways about this culture, and really thought he could make 'friends' on some sites, he really believed that was one way to make new acquaintances (there are some funny stories he told me about his experiences with this that I won't go into, but suffice to say, I believe him). Another interesting point is also the fact that with the app on one's phone, it will sometimes show up as being online when one is not--I know this is true from other people I've talked to about this.

 

The bigger point is, at least for me, is that I shouldn't have gone looking for trouble, we were so new into the relationship (and still are), that things have to work themselves out--eventually or not--every new relationship goes through this phase where both are really into each other, but are not yet really in an established relationship.

 

I can say that for now, however, we are clearly exclusive and together; earlier this week, we deleted our online profiles together, a new marker in contemporary dating, haha. btw: he did offer that he has only talked to one person since he met me, and erm, well, we know who that was

 

So, that's mostly it folks, I'll spare you all the hot and spicey details :bunny:. I've been single for nearly 6 years, and in a blink of an eye, fallen in love with an amazing man. Even if nothing more were to come out of this, I can honestly say I'm a better person from having had this experience for the last 2 full moons cycles.

 

The final take away from this is: while I appreciate all the keen insights and perspectives given here, sometimes cutting things off prematurely due to a perceived red flag is NOT always the best route to take when someone special comes along. Let me be clear, I am not a push over by any means, I am human- as is my partner--and of the mind set to allow for some inconsistencies in the beginning of a blossoming relationship, especially when I know that it unique and life changing. I was willing to explore this further, and very glad I have.

 

thanks everyone!!