FEELING DUPED-BF still on dating sites

[Dis]

Ok after reading this whole thread I have some points to make.

 

First of all, I'm sorry this happened to you hun. It had to feel awful to find this out. I have been lied to by a previous bf and I know how much it hurts. Bottom line...you deserve better.

 

One thing I'd like to ask you is...Why did you feel the need to check up on him in the first place??? Did he reveal some other red flags that set off your alarm?? Or have you been lied to in the past?? My point in asking is, if you really trusted him and things were going well, you wouldnt feel the need to do that unless you've been hurt alot in the past. I've learned (and am still learning) once we enter a relationship we have to trust our SO....we have to take that risk whether we like it or not.

 

The second thing, do not confront him or question him. There is no point trying to have a productive, honest conversation with a liar. Chances are he'll lie to you again or he'll blame it all on you for checking up on him. No progress will be made.

 

I personally wouldnt say one more word to a guy like this. I'd be 100% done. Show me your true colors, I'll believe you the first time. This guy is a waste of time and energy. Block him, pull the plug.

 

Keep your chin up though and learn a lesson from this. You werent innocent in this situation either (even though your worries were justified). Theres plenty of other guys out there Next time listen to your gut, dont ignore red flags and if a guy shows you that you can trust him, do so.

[SunnyWeather]

Ok after reading this whole thread I have some points to make.

 

First of all, I'm sorry this happened to you hun. It had to feel awful to find this out. I have been lied to by a previous bf and I know how much it hurts. Bottom line...you deserve better.

 

One thing I'd like to ask you is...Why did you feel the need to check up on him in the first place??? Did he reveal some other red flags that set off your alarm?? Or have you been lied to in the past?? My point in asking is, if you really trusted him and things were going well, you wouldnt feel the need to do that unless you've been hurt alot in the past. I've learned (and am still learning) once we enter a relationship we have to trust our SO....we have to take that risk whether we like it or not.

 

The second thing, do not confront him or question him. There is no point trying to have a productive, honest conversation with a liar. Chances are he'll lie to you again or he'll blame it all on you for checking up on him. No progress will be made.

 

I personally wouldnt say one more word to a guy like this. I'd be 100% done. Show me your true colors, I'll believe you the first time. This guy is a waste of time and energy. Block him, pull the plug.

 

Keep your chin up though and learn a lesson from this. You werent innocent in this situation either (even though your worries were justified). Theres plenty of other guys out there Next time listen to your gut, dont ignore red flags and if a guy shows you that you can trust him, do so.

 

Thanks for your kind words and insight...

 

call it my intuition coupled with certain personality trait observations of his that led me to checking up on him. the first time was a few days after we agreed to exclusivity, and it showed he had not been on. It wasn't until yesterday (a few weeks later) that my spiney sense went off and on a whim I checked, lo and behold he had JUST been on AND had visited my friend's page.

 

I'm not going to confront him. I'm thinking a fade out, first by cancelling date planned for tomorrow. I just need to process this, typing this all out here has helped immensely. I've gone from a pretty lofty height to a below sea level crash in 24 hours.

 

I kept telling myself things were moving too fast, but we both were in IT. I didn't make this shyte up, it happened and we got close quickly, which I think is one of the reasons he started looking yonder, it was too intense

[Popsicle]

will consider this.

 

I'm eating a healthy dose of humble pie right now. When I've been on the sidelines on other threads, I've had a pretty straight and narrow approach, like the one above you've suggested. It's different when in the thick of things--the attachment part, I've got to unravel that with him.

 

I think I should change my name to FoggyWeather for the time being

 

Maybe he's on the dating site tonight to force you to get on there too and confess that you've been checking on him.

 

I say confess. The worst that could happen is that he gets mad and dumps you, but you were already going to dump him anyway, and this way you'll know more than you do now.

[Dis]

Thanks for your kind words and insight...

 

call it my intuition coupled with certain personality trait observations of his that led me to checking up on him. the first time was a few days after we agreed to exclusivity, and it showed he had not been on. It wasn't until yesterday (a few weeks later) that my spiney sense went off and on a whim I checked, lo and behold he had JUST been on AND had visited my friend's page.

 

I'm not going to confront him. I'm thinking a fade out, first by cancelling date planned for tomorrow. I just need to process this, typing this all out here has helped immensely. I've gone from a pretty lofty height to a below sea level crash in 24 hours.

 

I kept telling myself things were moving too fast, but we both were in IT. I didn't make this shyte up, it happened and we got close quickly, which I think is one of the reasons he started looking yonder, it was too intense

 

I've been there too. Relationships that start out really quickly and intensly burn out just as fast. Because your relationship moved so fast you probably missed some red flags that you wouldve picked up on if you had taken things at a slower pace. Lesson learned. Just learned that one a few months back so dont feel bad

 

Plenty of people on this site post about being ghosted, and most of the time ghosting is never an ok thing to do to someone but if I were you I'd turn into casper! I wouldnt say another word. Does he really deserve to hear from you again??? I think not! And if you do cancel the date...he might ask why and then that would just open up a can of worms. Sometimes silence is the best way to deal with messed up people like this guy.

 

I'm glad you posted here and its helping you. Your not alone. Theres alot of really wise people on this site, I've gotten alot of help here. Keep posting, the feedback will help you process things. Take care of yourself now, be good to yourself. Be hopeful for what the future has in store for you, I'm sure a great guy is on your horizon

[SunnyWeather]

Maybe he's on the dating site tonight to force you to get on there too and confess that you've been checking on him.

 

I say confess. The worst that could happen is that he gets mad and dumps you, but you were already going to dump him anyway, and this way you'll know more than you do now.

 

not sure i understand about me knowing more than I do now. I think what I do know now is enough to move on, yes? I don't think there needs to be any dumping or confessing, it's effectively over.

 

now, the notion of closure is an interesting one to ponder. Should we have closure? meh, I don't think it matters much. The clearing away will happen with time and probably come with rosy memories (blushing)

 

I'll be totally honest here, this is the first "relationship" I've had since my divorce that was initiated 5.5 years ago. I'm as green as they come in these matters and I trusted as much as I would allow myself to. I just think I picked a guy who has a secret agenda. He's deep and sweet, but has a dark side that is palpable, which is probably another reason why I found him so attractive.

 

I went down for a good while and had a fun time. I'll be back up and purring in no time

 

thanks everyone for your input, it's really helped me sort this through this maze of confusion

[Popsicle]

I think what I do know now is enough to move on, yes?

 

It wouldn't be for me considering the circumstances. I'd want to talk about it first.

[SunnyWeather]

It wouldn't be for me considering the circumstances. I'd want to talk about it first.

 

well,,,, I appreciate you holding out to the lone vote for talking this out. I appreciate your perspective!

 

But, the fact is, it's kinda sleazy what he's doing, rat-ish, if you will (his chinese sign is a rat )

 

I could see the scenario playing out where I go to his apt as planned tomorrow night and we begin to subconsciously stalk each other around like kitten and mouse, drinking wine and chirping about our daily observations, all the while building up tension as we avoid direct contact and bouncing around the fact that we each have something on the other. After several hours pass....

 

you get the gist. there will be no more room for such intimate role gaming! because honestly, I could see this playing out in a very erotic way that I will refrain from exploring anymore in my badly executed attempt at fiction

[Dis]

Lol there ya go girl! Your thinking logically. If you do have a talk with him, I highly doubt it will give you any closure. He'll probably just lie, or blame everything on you. It would be like talking to a brick wall. And lets say he did tell you the truth, would that give you any comfort??? You already know what hes up to, I doubt hearing it from the horses mouth would change anything.

 

Sometimes when a relationship ends, we are not afforded closure from our SO. We need to find that closure from within ourselves. I dont think your going to get it from a liar. Sort this all out in your mind and on this thread...thats how your going to get your closure.

 

And oh god, whatever you do...dont give this guy sex! He doesnt deserve that from you!

 

For your protection, to avoid any further suffering....close the door

[Popsicle]

well,,,, I appreciate you holding out to the lone vote for talking this out. I appreciate your perspective!

 

But, the fact is, it's kinda sleazy what he's doing, rat-ish, if you will (his chinese sign is a rat )

 

I could see the scenario playing out where I go to his apt as planned tomorrow night and we begin to subconsciously stalk each other around like kitten and mouse, drinking wine and chirping about our daily observations, all the while building up tension as we avoid direct contact and bouncing around the fact that we each have something on the other. After several hours pass....

 

you get the gist. there will be no more room for such intimate role gaming! because honestly, I could see this playing out in a very erotic way that I will refrain from exploring anymore in my badly executed attempt at fiction

 

You can ghost on him if that feels better but I really do hope one of you is forthcoming about this whole thing. Maybe he will be.....

 

(There are so many possible explanations in my mind)

[Lois_Griffin]

I don't think he knew you set him up, I think he made the comment about you asking about his language class, Because he was feeling guilty about the other woman or because he never actually went to the language class as he was so busy chatting, he made the snide comment about you checking up on him.

I tend to agree that he possibly felt your asking about his class was you 'checking up' on him.

 

I don't think he knows the fake profile is your friends' profile - unless you told him you have a friend on the site and told him enough info about her that he'd know it was her? You say she trolled his profile and I'm wondering if the site lets you see whose browsed your profile? Did he see she'd looked at his profile so he reached out to her thinking she had an interest?

 

In either event, he's 40 something years old and he sounds like an emotional cripple if he's already telling you he 'loves' you after only knowing you for a month.

 

There are just too many red flags flapping all around this guy.

[elaine567]

(There are so many possible explanations in my mind)

 

How does he explain arranging to meet another woman, whilst under an "exclusive" agreement?

[Lois_Griffin]

It wasn't until yesterday (a few weeks later) that my spiney sense ...

I can't help it - I have to correct you. It's SPIDEY senses. The term is a takeoff of the superhero Spiderman who apparently must have had a 6th sense about approaching trouble or danger (I never watched it but I believe that's the history surrounding the term).

 

The other thing I wanted to say is that you owe this dirtbag nothing. Being the b*tch that I am, I probably would have confirmed tomorrow night's dinner date with him right up until 15 minutes before the date. Then, I would stand him up, blocking him from every conceivable way to contact me and let him sit there until he realized I wasn't showing up. But I'm a b*tch like that.

[Popsicle]

How does he explain arranging to meet another woman, whilst under an "exclusive" agreement?

 

He knew it was her behind it!

[elaine567]

He knew it was her behind it!

 

NO, he didn't.

How could he have known?

The only checking up she did, was asking about his language class and as he was busy contacting the "bait" then and probably didn't even attend, he felt guilty, hence the barbed comment concerning the checking up.

[katiegrl]

He knew it was her behind it!

 

This wasn't a one-time thing though.

 

OP said he is still on line skulking around, and most likely has been from the get go. Which her gut had been screaming, which was what prompted her to check in the first place.

 

Still on line, messaging and asking out other women, despite him love bombing her, agreeing to be exclusive, telling her he loves her, etc. All of which would have had me running even without the deception!

 

All of this within a 2-3 week period! That's how long they've been dating, 2-3 weeks.

 

He is bad news period.

Edited May 4, 2016 by katiegrl

[SunnyWeather]

ladies, you rock!

 

love your input and perspectives.

 

LG- thanks for the correction, good to know the etymology of the word

 

as for how I'm playing this out, I still haven't reached a definitive conclusion exactly how I'm going to go about it, prob do a slow fade. LG, your approach certainly would leave an impression! I woke up this morning feeling inclined to have a discussion- after all, we made quite an impression on each other and it could represent a teachable moment--I'm pretty out of my league relationship-wise since I had been married for so long and with this new guy being my first 'bf' since.

 

I have to say, one thing that he spoke of in the beginning was the importance of honesty. so, if I call him out on this it would be interesting to see how he responds; in the bigger scheme, his behavior certainly demonstrates a lack of honesty. And to be completely forthright, so does mine

 

clarification: it's been one month since we've been seeing each other and exclusive talk was about 2.

[ChickiePops]

NO, he didn't.

How could he have known?

The only checking up she did, was asking about his language class and as he was busy contacting the "bait" then and probably didn't even attend, he felt guilty, hence the barbed comment concerning the checking up.

 

Well no..she had her friend message him on the dating site. If the OP is connected to this girl on social media or if she's ever mentioned her offhandedly or anything, he easily could have put two and two together..especially considering his comments about being checked up on.

 

I think he figured it out. Not saying it's ok that he still uses the dating site..just saying I think he saw through the scheme.

[Cinnamonstix]

I vote no to talking it out. It's only been a one month relationship with a liar, and I think the talk will actually do more harm than good.

[SunnyWeather]

Well no..she had her friend message him on the dating site. If the OP is connected to this girl on social media or if she's ever mentioned her offhandedly or anything, he easily could have put two and two together..especially considering his comments about being checked up on.

 

I think he figured it out. Not saying it's ok that he still uses the dating site..just saying I think he saw through the scheme.

 

not connected at all on social media. he does know however, that I have a lot of single girlfriends, and I too agree he had/has a strong suspicion he was set up

 

I still can't determine whether this was a good idea or not, to do a lookey loo into his online behaviors. On one hand, I know now for a fact he's trolling for others. On the other, I feel shame for my covert behavior and wonder if having an ignorance-is-bliss attitude would have allowed things to work out--or not- more organically.

 

one thing is for sure, when this chapter is closed I am going to seriously re consider whether I want to continue with OLD. I've not had any good experiences with it

[SunnyWeather]

I vote no to talking it out. It's only been a one month relationship with a liar, and I think the talk will actually do more harm than good.

 

thanks for chiming in. just curious how you think it could do more harm than good

[elaine567]

Thing is, Sunny Weather wants this to be OK, wants him in her life, wants it all to be just one big misunderstanding and mistake. She can then forgive him, she can even then blame herself and apologise for taking things too seriously too quickly, a man needs his space, and she can then snuggle back into his neck.

 

Only trouble is that he IS still trying to pursue and meet other women, and he IS therefore not a person to be trusted.

But we can all now choose to look the other way... he's lovely, he really is...

[SunnyWeather]

Thing is, Sunny Weather wants this to be OK, wants him in her life, wants it all to be just one big misunderstanding and mistake. She can then forgive him, she can even then blame herself and apologise for taking things too seriously too quickly, a man needs his space, and she can then snuggle back into his neck.

 

Only trouble is that he IS still trying to pursue and meet other women, and he IS therefore not a person to be trusted.

But we can all now choose to look the other way... he's lovely, he really is...

 

I'm not sure I agree with this sentiment. I am trying to see both sides of the equation here and really appreciate your (and others') certainty on this. Btw, it's not just a man who needs his space, I DO too...

 

I guess the one aspect I will agree with you is that I am considering the notion that this relationship is not about him being 'the one' (it never was) in a traditional sense, and could possibly take on another hue.

 

But, most likely not.

 

thanks again for your insight and clear perspectives

[katiegrl]

thanks for chiming in. just curious how you think it could do more harm than good

 

It just invites more drama. Invites the possibility of more lies, more deception.

 

There has already been too much drama for one month.

 

Way too much drama.

 

This isn't how it's supposed to be after only one month of dating.

 

Not IMO anyway.

 

I mean just the love-bombing alone would run me off. Doesn't it concern you that he throws out the L word after what, 3-4 weeks?

 

But is still on line trolling?

 

Doesn't this strike you as odd, and rather unbelievable?

 

I hate to say this, but it sounds to me like he might even be playing you.

 

Too many red flags hun.

 

If this is what you want, talk to him.

 

I wouldn't bother unless I wanted to work it out which I definitely would NOT, but then again I'm not the one dating him.

Edited May 4, 2016 by katiegrl

[SunnyWeather]

It just invites more drama. Invites the possibility of more lies, more deception.

 

There has already been too much drama for one month.

 

Way too much drama.

 

This isn't how it's supposed to be after only one month of dating.

 

Not IMO anyway.

 

I mean just the love-bombing alone would run me off. Doesn't it concern you that he throws out the L word after what, 3-4 weeks?

 

But is still on line trolling?

 

Doesn't this strike you as odd, and rather unbelievable?

 

I hate to say this, but it sounds to me like he might even be playing you.

 

Too many red flags hun.

 

If this is what you want, talk to him.

 

I wouldn't bother unless I wanted to work it out which I definitely would NOT, but then again I'm not the one dating him.

 

disclaimer: I'm not condoning his behavior, merely clarifying some discrepancies you've written.

 

he didn't drop the 'L word' he was being lovey dovey via text

 

Is it acceptable that he was trolling other women on OLD (even though he said in the messaging conversation he was looking for friends, ) being that we had agreed to (sexual) exclusivity? NO, unless I want a FWB/open relationship...

 

there really hasn't been any drama until this week, unless lots of hotness is dramatic

 

clearly, the 'relationship' in its current incarnation has run its course.

 

but, I'm still uncertain if I will have a conversation with him regarding this or just fade, it's rather hard to fathom not having an adult discussion over this and making a clean break

[Cinnamonstix]

thanks for chiming in. just curious how you think it could do more harm than good

 

-he will likely lie again

-he could very well turn this around on you

-you might get sucked back in, since it sounds like he's a charmer

 

All in all, you are effectively disrespecting yourself by entertaining any sort of interaction (other than "buh bye!") after the lying, which really should be a deal breaker for you. You need to have firm boundaries to be successful in the dating world. When someone crosses them, you move on, no need to talk about it. Obviously if this was a year or two in it's a different story but this is a one month thing.