FEELING DUPED-BF still on dating sites

[SunnyWeather]

I will share my story. It all happened so quickly. I've heard stories about this sort of thing, but now I find myself actually in the middle of it. Please don't flame too harshly, it's kinda bad on many levels.

 

In sum: we met about month ago, instant chemistry and attraction on many levels, from looks to life experience to philosophy, etc, etc, etc

= hotness overload

 

Had the exclusivity talk about 2 weeks in. We both felt (at least I *thought* that was the case) it would be awkward to still be on dating websites being that we were so into each other. Saw each other about 5 days a week, with 2 days to recover, lol. It was even discussed how we shared similar values about the importance being in a sexual relationship that was exclusive.

 

SO, it's been about a month in and I did something I am not proud to say. I had a friend troll his profile online, at first just to see when the last time was he had visited (ya, sometimes ignorance is bliss). Lo and behold, he messaged her yesterday about meeting up.

 

oh dio, what a stupid thing to do, I know, I know I was asking for trouble. But, my spiney sense went off yesterday and now I can't unknow what I know. MY question is, now that I know this what should I do?

 

As an interesting side note: He's from a different country, and was supposed to be in language classes during the time these back and forth messages with the other woman happened. When he texted me later last night I asked how his class went. He said something like, "I learned something weird and interesting about this culture. That partners check each other". When I asked him to clarify it seems like he had a suspicion he was being 'checked on'. I'm not sure as his writing isn't so good so it wasn't clear, but it was close enough to what had happened a few hours prior that gave me a deep pause. I replied that I'm wasn't sure if I understood what he was saying, and he responded that he will tell me in person...

 

Goodness gracious. Now what? The texts last night ended with him asking me out for later in the week, him declaring his love for me with even more vigor, etc etc etc.

 

I'm a totally open minded person, I realize we are so new into this relationship, and I want to give him a lot of space (which I need too...), but what do I do when I'm pretty sure our 'exclusive' conversation a few weeks ago ended with us vaguely saying we don't need to stay on the dating sites, only to find out he still is. In the messaging to the other woman he said he's looking for friends and he asked her out to discuss a very direct question she asked: if he was single or not...

 

Now I don't know if it was a language thing or what. The point is, why in the world would he still be trolling them if he is seemingly (in word and deed) into me?

 

flame on folks

 

thanks in advance

[CarrieT]

I think two weeks is too early to have the exclusivity talk, personally. Sure, chemistry is "off the charts" but that is no indication of the potential of a life-long partner so keeping one's options open for another two to four weeks seems very reasonable to me.

[Satu]

You don't know each other yet.

 

There is more unknown than known.

 

Cool off a bit...

[lilmissjava]

If you go looking for trouble,

 

You almost always will assuredly find it.

[kidm]

How old are you? Get a hold yourself, girl. lol. You barely know this man and you should be suspicious of anyone who wants to be exclusive with a stranger! Dial it back- date other people while getting to know him. Usually hot and heavy in the beginning, fizzles out quickly and then you're left wondering what the **** happened. The fact that he's still on dating websites should let you know that his feelings may not be as authentic/strong as yours. He's keeping his options open. It's too much too soon.

[SunnyWeather]

I think two weeks is too early to have the exclusivity talk, personally. Sure, chemistry is "off the charts" but that is no indication of the potential of a life-long partner so keeping one's options open for another two to four weeks seems very reasonable to me.

 

 

I can't say the conversation was about having a 'life-long partner' but more so about being sexually exclusive to explore that side of our relationship without others' energy added to the mix, if that makes sense to you. It kinda is related to a type of spiritual orientation...

 

But I agree with you and the others, how 2 weeks in is so early, but it happened, the talk just spontaneously happened. I can't take it back,

or can I

[SunnyWeather]

You don't know each other yet.

 

There is more unknown than known.

 

Cool off a bit...

 

lordy, cool off a bit haha

it's been so long to have these feelings. I do feel a bit like a teenager.

 

You are soooo right, Satu, there is so much we don't know about each other, I think that's part of the allure...

 

To the poster who asked, we are well into our 40's

[katiegrl]

I can't say the conversation was about having a 'life-long partner' but more so about being sexually exclusive to explore that side of our relationship without others' energy added to the mix, if that makes sense to you. It kinda is related to a type of spiritual orientation...

 

But I agree with you and the others, how 2 weeks in is so early, but it happened, the talk just spontaneously happened. I can't take it back,

or can I

 

So he said his profile is still up because he had the feeling someone was checking on him?

 

Is that why he sent a message to your friend too?

 

I don't care how long or how short you have been dating, the point is you mutually agreed to be exclusive with each other..... but he is still on line and actually messaging and wanting to meet other women!

 

My ex and I decided on the second date to only see and focus only on each other. It wasn't a commitment just an agreement to focus on each other to see where it will it lead. Without the distraction of other people thrown in the mix. One at a time, as opposed to multi-dating.

 

If after mutually agreeing to that, I found out he was on a dating site, emailing other women and asking them to meet.... that would have been an automatic dealbreaker.

 

I don't date liars, and/or men who agree to one thing and then do another.

 

It's deceptive. It's dishonest. It's disingenuous.

 

The end.

 

ETA: Choose wisely from the get go hun. And you will save yourself from a lot of grief and frustration later.

Edited May 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[preraph]

There's no point in making this more complicated than it has to be. Whether you're 16 or 60, if you find out a person you're supposed to be exclusive with still has a hook in the water, which is common enough, you start dating other people as well. Competition only makes them want you more, and meanwhile you're only following their lead and you may find a better guy. There's nothing else for it. No need to have the long excruciating talk. Just start seeing other guys too.

[Zahara]

To the poster who asked, we are well into our 40's

 

Dang! I thought you guys were in your early 20s! From the 40's camp, yes -- cool those jets girl!

 

In any case, I'm with Katie. Regardless of how long you've been together -- saying one thing and doing another -- that's a red flag. If you're starting off with lies, tread carefully.

 

I once was dating a guy for a little over a month. I brought up taking off our profiles and he was honest about it being too soon. I appreciated it eventhough it threw me off. But he could have easily fed me some words and continued hiding his activity. So yes, in your case it isn't a good sign.

[elaine567]

Exclusivity, just means "I am not seeing or sleeping with other people", not "We are meant to be together forever and I will die in your arms"

Exclusivity can be agreed upon after 6 hours, 6 days, 6 months it all depends on the people involved.

It is never TOO early.

[SunnyWeather]

So he said his profile is still up because he had the feeling someone was checking on him?

 

Is that why he sent a message to your friend too?

 

I don't care how long or how short you have been dating, the point is you mutually agreed to be exclusive with each other..... but he is still on line and actually messaging and wanting to meet other women!

 

My ex and I decided on the second date to only see and focus only on each other. It wasn't a commitment just an agreement to focus on each other to see where it will it lead. Without the distraction of other people thrown in the mix. One at a time, as opposed to multi-dating.

 

If after mutually agreeing to that, I found out he was on a dating site, emailing other women and asking them to meet.... that would have been an automatic dealbreaker.

 

I don't date liars, and/or men who agree to one thing and then do another.

 

It's deceptive. It's dishonest. It's disingenuous.

 

The end.

 

ETA: Choose wisely from the get go hun. And you will save yourself from a lot of grief and frustration later.

 

I totally agree about 'choosing wisely', I've nexted at least 30-40 first dates, he's the first and only 2nd date and beyond I've had with OLD. I feel like the notion of choice was thrust upon both of us, it seemed bigger than us...

 

re: the bolded: he didn't say his profile was still up because he felt someone was 'checking on him', just that he learned about this phenomena and how it occurs. He's quite naive in some areas, others, Not. At. All.

 

the rest of your post hits home, I know it, and I don't want to face the reality of it, the lying part. I just don't see how I could ever trust him after this

 

and yet, others say that's it's so early in the relationship and to let things play out a bit more.

[katiegrl]

Exclusivity, just means "I am not seeing or sleeping with other people", not "We are meant to be together forever and I will die in your arms"

Exclusivity can be agreed upon after 6 hours, 6 days, 6 months it all depends on the people involved.

It is never TOO early.

 

And when you begin having sex, you're damn straight we are going to be exclusive.... isn't that precisely what everyone advocates on this board?

 

To be sure you are exclusive before having sex?

 

Now some folks are saying two weeks is too soon?

 

Even though they are having some damn hot sex and he agreed to it?

[Zahara]

the rest of your post hits home, I know it, and I don't want to face the reality of it, the lying part. I just don't see how I could ever trust him after this

 

and yet, others say that's it's so early in the relationship and to let things play out a bit more.

 

Two separate issues. Just because it's seems early into the relationship for exclusivity, there is no reason to lie.

[introverted1]

I will share my story. It all happened so quickly. I've heard stories about this sort of thing, but now I find myself actually in the middle of it. Please don't flame too harshly, it's kinda bad on many levels.

 

In sum: we met about month ago, instant chemistry and attraction on many levels, from looks to life experience to philosophy, etc, etc, etc

= hotness overload

 

Had the exclusivity talk about 2 weeks in. We both felt (at least I *thought* that was the case) it would be awkward to still be on dating websites being that we were so into each other. Saw each other about 5 days a week, with 2 days to recover, lol. It was even discussed how we shared similar values about the importance being in a sexual relationship that was exclusive.

 

SO, it's been about a month in and I did something I am not proud to say. I had a friend troll his profile online, at first just to see when the last time was he had visited (ya, sometimes ignorance is bliss). Lo and behold, he messaged her yesterday about meeting up.

 

oh dio, what a stupid thing to do, I know, I know I was asking for trouble. But, my spiney sense went off yesterday and now I can't unknow what I know. MY question is, now that I know this what should I do?

 

As an interesting side note: He's from a different country, and was supposed to be in language classes during the time these back and forth messages with the other woman happened. When he texted me later last night I asked how his class went. He said something like, "I learned something weird and interesting about this culture. That partners check each other". When I asked him to clarify it seems like he had a suspicion he was being 'checked on'. I'm not sure as his writing isn't so good so it wasn't clear, but it was close enough to what had happened a few hours prior that gave me a deep pause. I replied that I'm wasn't sure if I understood what he was saying, and he responded that he will tell me in person...

 

Goodness gracious. Now what? The texts last night ended with him asking me out for later in the week, him declaring his love for me with even more vigor, etc etc etc.

 

I'm a totally open minded person, I realize we are so new into this relationship, and I want to give him a lot of space (which I need too...), but what do I do when I'm pretty sure our 'exclusive' conversation a few weeks ago ended with us vaguely saying we don't need to stay on the dating sites, only to find out he still is. In the messaging to the other woman he said he's looking for friends and he asked her out to discuss a very direct question she asked: if he was single or not...

 

Now I don't know if it was a language thing or what. The point is, why in the world would he still be trolling them if he is seemingly (in word and deed) into me?

 

flame on folks

 

thanks in advance

 

Sounds like he saw through your test.

 

When will you see him and discuss this?

[katiegrl]

Two separate issues. Just because it's seems early into the relationship for exclusivity, there is no reason to lie.

 

Well there actually IS a reason to lie.

 

He wants to date and have hot sex with the OP... BUT he still wants to be free to pursue others.

 

If he told her that ... do you think she'd go for it? Probably not. I sure wouldn't!

 

Hence he lies and agrees to be exclusive (which makes sense since they are having sex).... but then goes behind her back to email and attempt to date other women anyway. Totally deceptive and disingenuous.

 

And if he's so enthralled with OP like he claims to be.... why the need to email and attempt to meet other women anyway?

 

I don't get that, and no I wouldn't trust him either.

[Zahara]

Well there actually IS a reason to lie.

 

He wants to date and have hot sex with the OP... BUT he still wants to be free to pursue others.

 

If he told her that ... do you think she'd go for it? Probably not. I sure wouldn't!

 

Hence he lies and agrees to be exclusive (which makes sense since they are having sex).... but then goes behind her back to email and attempt to date other women anyway. Totally deceptive and disingenuous.

 

Yes, I know. Based on her confusion -- I was just letting her know that regardless of whether it was appropriate or not to ask for exclusivity, he could/should have been honest.

[SunnyWeather]

There's no point in making this more complicated than it has to be. Whether you're 16 or 60, if you find out a person you're supposed to be exclusive with still has a hook in the water, which is common enough, you start dating other people as well. Competition only makes them want you more, and meanwhile you're only following their lead and you may find a better guy. There's nothing else for it. No need to have the long excruciating talk. Just start seeing other guys too.

 

I've gotten several messages in the last 2 weeks directed from the site to my email from men really interested in meeting me. Being true to my word, I never replied, even to one who looked quite promising...

 

I suppose I could just dive back in and respond to the dudes who've messaged me. I suppose he and i can ignore or pretend what's come about. If he asks why I'm still on it, I suppose I could ask the same back?

 

Truth is, I'm not good at having a poker face, and I don't want to waste my time being inauthentic...If you lie or mess with me, I don't forget it-- besides, that sweet wondrous place of total openness and transparency has shut down--the honeymoon is over!!!

 

I considered ghosting him because I can't have the conversation about what I know because then I would have to reveal it was a set up

 

I feel so awful and ashamed about my role in this. Yet, a part of me is relieved to have found out sooner rather than later...

[elaine567]

..the rest of your post hits home, I know it, and I don't want to face the reality of it, the lying part. I just don't see how I could ever trust him after this

 

Despite agreeing to exclusivity, not only is he arranging to meet another woman, he is also "chastising" you for checking up on him...

Hmmm?

[introverted1]

I've gotten several messages in the last 2 weeks directed from the site to my email from men really interested in meeting me. Being true to my word, I never replied, even to one who looked quite promising...

 

I suppose I could just dive back in and respond to the dudes who've messaged me. I suppose he and i can ignore or pretend what's come about. If he asks why I'm still on it, I suppose I could ask the same back?

 

Truth is, I'm not good at having a poker face, and I don't want to waste my time being inauthentic...If you lie or mess with me, I don't forget it-- besides, that sweet wondrous place of total openness and transparency has shut down--the honeymoon is over!!!

 

I considered ghosting him because I can't have the conversation about what I know because then I would have to reveal it was a set up

 

I feel so awful and ashamed about my role in this. Yet, a part of me is relieved to have found out sooner rather than later...

 

I think he knows.

 

I think that's what he meant when he said he learned something new about your culture, that people check up on their partners.

 

He may have reached out to your friend to confirm his suspicions. Or maybe he was playing along with your game.

[elaine567]

What nationality is he?

[SunnyWeather]

Sounds like he saw through your test.

 

When will you see him and discuss this?

 

Hi

 

I fretted all night what to do about this. In the end, the answer landed toward my default position, which is to always tell the truth, warts and all.

 

wow, what a huge lesson, what a big lesson.

 

and yet, and yet....he visited her profile, he was on the site even when we agreed to cease such activity. so regardless of my role in this and whether I come clean about it or not, the fact is, he was/is on the dating site and he is messaging other woman AND asking to meet with them.

[SunnyWeather]

Despite agreeing to exclusivity, not only is he arranging to meet another woman, he is also "chastising" you for checking up on him...

Hmmm?

 

I wouldn't say he is 'chastising' me at all. we had a brief texting check in last night and he merely said he learned something new about American culture

[introverted1]

Hi

 

I fretted all night what to do about this. In the end, the answer landed toward my default position, which is to always tell the truth, warts and all.

 

wow, what a huge lesson, what a big lesson.

 

and yet, and yet....he visited her profile, he was on the site even when we agreed to cease such activity. so regardless of my role in this and whether I come clean about it or not, the fact is, he was/is on the dating site and he is messaging other woman AND asking to meet with them.

 

Did he visit her unprompted, i.e, no first visit or contact from her?

 

I got the impression from your OP that your friend had laid bait for him somehow.

[elaine567]

I don't think he knew you set him up, I think he made the comment about you asking about his language class, Because he was feeling guilty about the other woman or because he never actually went to the language class as he was so busy chatting, he made the snide comment about you checking up on him.