Charmed22 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I am 23 trying to get back into dating after a 5yr relationship but I am not having any luck. I am not the most attractive female and I think its mainly because I'm obese. I have dropped 50lbs so far and I have another 60lbs to go until I hit my goal weight so that issue is getting taken care of. Other than my looks possibly being a turn off, I am very awkward. I know confidence is key to dating but I lack it since I haven't ever dated before. Im not approached often if at all. Whenever I do get people interested I somehow tend to scare them away. I guess by either my awkwardness or being overeager. For some reason I can't seem to play it cool around guys and I still act like a high school girl whenever I am interested in one. How do I market myself as more approachable/datable? How to improve my looks other than the weightloss? How do I increase my self confidence? How do I meet people and put myself out there? How am I as a female supposed to act when it comes to dating?
Versacehottie Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I am 23 trying to get back into dating after a 5yr relationship but I am not having any luck. I am not the most attractive female and I think its mainly because I'm obese. I have dropped 50lbs so far and I have another 60lbs to go until I hit my goal weight so that issue is getting taken care of. Other than my looks possibly being a turn off, I am very awkward. I know confidence is key to dating but I lack it since I haven't ever dated before. Im not approached often if at all. Whenever I do get people interested I somehow tend to scare them away. I guess by either my awkwardness or being overeager. For some reason I can't seem to play it cool around guys and I still act like a high school girl whenever I am interested in one. How do I market myself as more approachable/datable? How to improve my looks other than the weightloss? How do I increase my self confidence? How do I meet people and put myself out there? How am I as a female supposed to act when it comes to dating? I wish I had a link to a thread where someone asked a similar question like this a while back. Your self-confidence will build as you improve your looks--because of putting in effort (and the looks themselves of course) but when you work to gain something you want, ie weight loss, the payoff is the weight loss itself and increased self-confidence. So it will come in part from that. Once you increase your social interactions you will become less awkward. It's just that you haven't had enough exposure. I would recommend increasing your group of friends. You can do that through hobbies, sports, gym, friends of friends, social media, taking risks. Don't get too discouraged if people say no. Be proactive and be a planner in your life (not necessarily uptight planner) but someone who thinks of fun things to do and looks for who in their life might enjoy something like that. Lots of girls are nervous when they talk to guys and vice versa. That doesn't necessarily go away--it's part of a good surge of adrenalin that signals interest. But if you socialize more, you will get better. Also treat a guy like a friend and start the interaction from that point of view to calm down. Will probably work in your favor if you are too overeager anyway. We can keep talking about how you work on your look if you want to keep posting as things come up. But definitely figure out your hair. Find out what is something that you get compliments on and spotlight that (such as eyes, smile, hair, shape, which particular part of shape). Look in magazines or online for hair and style that would suit you. That stuff is part of marketing and conveying to others "something" about who you are. I also think it's important to not just dress up/have good hair &makeup when you think you will meet guys. You want to make it a part of your everyday routine as you can run into people all the time who might lead you to or be someone you want to date. Doesn't mean overdressed when you go out on a hike or running to starbucks--just means dress as a girl who is single, confident and sexy. Keep posting. Congratulations and good luck 3
Cinnamonstix Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I agree with Versacehottie about continuing to improve work on yourself to increase your confidence and expand your social circle to practice your social skills. It will increase your confidence and will increase the likelihood of success in dating, thereby making you even more confident. I'm not saying you need to reach your goal weight to get back out there, but you need to get to a place where you feel good about the way you look and interact with others. It's okay if you're always a little awkward, just own it and laugh at yourself. If you're looking for a physically and mentally healthy mate, you have to be those things yourself. Insecurity tends to attract insecurity, so you want to be in a place where you attract and are attracted to secure people - it will lead to much more satisfying relationships. Bottom line, work on yourself and date when you feel more confident. 1
Jabron1 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I don't have a bloody clue really. I will refrain from telling you stuff from the 'other side' Ask questions of, and listen to Veracehottie. She knows girl game, from what I gather Have fun! Life's too short to be taken seriously. 1
AVeryConfusedGuy Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 How long ago was your breakup? If it was fresh (within a few months), you should really consider letting the wounds heal first since it was long-term. Honestly you should embrace and welcome being single and try working on yourself for awhile. I guarantee you won't be single again forever, and if you lasted 5 years with someone, chances are you will again. You should actually enjoy the single life while you can! Relax and don't sweat about dating so much. You claim that you are obese and want to look/feel more attractive, work on your goals and just work on yourself. Maybe you want someone to fill the void because you're lonely? Don't resort to dating because of loneliness. I feel like the harder you look for a relationship, it doesn't happen. It's always when you least expect it when opportunities happen.
Versacehottie Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I don't have a bloody clue really. I will refrain from telling you stuff from the 'other side' Ask questions of, and listen to Veracehottie. She knows girl game, from what I gather Have fun! Life's too short to be taken seriously. awww sweet, jabron!! yes, have fun! Don't discount having a good personality and using it. Be who you are--that, in itself, conveys a confidence even if it is awkward. I saw two of my friends (a couple) this weekend at a wedding. They are both awkward. He could be the poster child for a nerdy guy (like the hipster nerd). They both fell for each other right away, have been super in sync since the first date--in spite of being awkward!!! It works because they embrace it. Him especially. He tells quirky stories, is not embarrassed to be nerdy and comes off being one of the most interesting people in the room. Like Jabron says he doesn't take himself too seriously which is a big part of the appeal. He's like tongue in cheek both making fun of himself and milking it in a charming and witty way at the same time. That sounds like a complicated recipe to figure out what that should be for any person--but it isn't. He is just being himself and comfortable with it. So yeah you want to maximize in the various areas (looks, your personality, interactions) but don't hide who you are or behave as if you still need to "make it to a certain point" before you are dateable material. You can work on getting comfortable and confident within this new-ready-to-date you right now. And things might happen right now. I'm excited for you 1
Author Charmed22 Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 How long ago was your breakup? If it was fresh (within a few months), you should really consider letting the wounds heal first since it was long-term. Honestly you should embrace and welcome being single and try working on yourself for awhile. I guarantee you won't be single again forever, and if you lasted 5 years with someone, chances are you will again. You should actually enjoy the single life while you can! Relax and don't sweat about dating so much. You claim that you are obese and want to look/feel more attractive, work on your goals and just work on yourself. Maybe you want someone to fill the void because you're lonely? Don't resort to dating because of loneliness. I feel like the harder you look for a relationship, it doesn't happen. It's always when you least expect it when opportunities happen. It has been 9 months since the breakup. I have made tremendous improvements on myself since the breakup. Not only with weightloss but I have met new friends since and I have improved on my confidence a little. I still have some ways to go though 2
deadparrot Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 If you're looking for a low-key way to meet people, I'd perhaps look into Meetup groups in your area. Especially if you're near a city, there are plenty of groups for many different interests and characteristics. Find a couple active ones that regularly meet and ping your interest, show up, and start mingling. Even if things don't turn romantic, it'll get you comfortable talking to people who share some quality with you, whether that's age, religion, a hobby, etc., which always gives you a conversation starter. Congrats on the weight loss and good luck! 1
Author Charmed22 Posted May 6, 2016 Author Posted May 6, 2016 I am talking to 2 different guys that i met on tinder last month. Guy number 1 is a single father, works and goes to school full time so I know he is busy. He has said things like we should get lunch and he even went as far as to invite me out to the park while his kids had softball practice but canceled last minute and never initiated to reschedule. He has however continued to initiate conversations with me through text although he is not very talkative through the text. He has a lot of one word responses and our conversations are mostly in the form of "what are you doing" so texting him can get quite boring. I did ask him if he wants to meet up whenever he is free and he said he would like that but he never gave much more than that. Guy number 2 is a lot better with texting. He has mentioned that he wants to meet me as well and offered that we go play disc golf together but also never gave me a time or place. He also randomly stops responding mid conversation and will text me the following day to start a new conversation. During our conversations this guy can be more flirty but in a nice way not a creepy way. These aren't the only guys that this has occurred with but they are the ones I am currently talking to. Is this common for guys to use girls for texting buddies and not be serious about actually meeting up?
iphone_user1 Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 I ask out a girl when I really feel we get along. Maybe they don't feel it, maybe they have other girls in the line, maybe, maybe... LOL
Larryville Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 I am talking to 2 different guys that i met on tinder last month. WTF!? Is this common for guys to use girls for texting buddies? My question for you is, do you value your time? Why would you be chatting with a dude especially from Tinder for the last month? No... guys don’t do the “texting buddy” thing, and if a dude is “interested” they pursue. Maybe they don't feel it, maybe they have other girls in the line Exactly!
Toodaloo Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 You are entertainment but they are not all that interested. You would have met them already if they were. Quit wasting time on guys like this. They are known as "flakes" For info purposes women can be just as bad so men take note too please.
mrldii Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 It's probably because, nowadays, men have so many options available to them, what with the advent of online dating, women in the workplace, co-ed fitness centers, etc. Men meet women, virtually, everywhere all the time, now. There is no longer the social stigma when a man chooses to stay single and/or to not have children; to boot, these seemingly unlimited options allow men to adopt a "GIGS" attitude and to become very picky when compiling their list of (impossible) standards when choosing which women to actually meet and date. Hang in there, OP...you'll meet that Great Guy...it just takes time. Good luck! 1
Author Charmed22 Posted May 6, 2016 Author Posted May 6, 2016 WTF!? My question for you is, do you value your time? Why would you be chatting with a dude especially from Tinder for the last month? No... guys don’t do the “texting buddy” thing, and if a dude is “interested” they pursue. Exactly! Im pretty good with responding to all my texts and these guys just text me and I respond. I haven't put much thought into it until now when I realized I haven't met either guy. Guy number 1 I have facetimed with from time to time but no in person meeting. I know that if they were truely interested than they will ask to meet me with a time and place so I know they aren't that interested. I was just wondering why are they are still texting me then?
mike_89 Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 It's probably because, nowadays, men have so many options available to them, what with the advent of online dating, women in the workplace, co-ed fitness centers, etc. Men meet women, virtually, everywhere all the time, now. There is no longer the social stigma when a man chooses to stay single and/or to not have children; to boot, these seemingly unlimited options allow men to adopt a "GIGS" attitude and to become very picky when compiling their list of (impossible) standards when choosing which women to actually meet and date. Hang in there, OP...you'll meet that Great Guy...it just takes time. Good luck! Actually this is exactly what is going on with women, not men. OP, either they are shy and insecure or (probably) they are just not interested in you and are dating other girls, and are only keeping you on in case things with the other girl go sour.
mrldii Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 Actually this is exactly what is going on with women, not men... I'll have to take your word for it (that this goes on with women, too); as a heterosexual woman who only dates/relates with men, I have noticed this tendency in men, nowadays.
losangelena Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 Actually this is exactly what is going on with women, not men. OP, either they are shy and insecure or (probably) they are just not interested in you and are dating other girls, and are only keeping you on in case things with the other girl go sour. As if it doesn't go both way? Umm ... let's be realistic here.
Toodaloo Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 How do I market myself as more approachable/datable? How to improve my looks other than the weightloss? How do I increase my self confidence? How do I meet people and put myself out there? How am I as a female supposed to act when it comes to dating? Smile, smile, smile and smile. Get a life, go have fun. Forget the myth that a man completes you. Do the things you enjoy, keep a sensible head on you regarding finances and expenditure. Read the news, educate yourself, go to classes, take up sports (preferably that you actually enjoy rather than just to shift a few pounds). It really is not all about looks. Yes a bit of make up helps but your personality matters far more. A good guy will look for the girl who will last longer than her wrinkles. A not so great guy will just go for a taught backside. You are young. Go and make your dreams happen and the Disney wedding will just come along at some point. But most important is go out and get active and involved in things you enjoy.
Versacehottie Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 I am talking to 2 different guys that i met on tinder last month. Guy number 1 is a single father, works and goes to school full time so I know he is busy. He has said things like we should get lunch and he even went as far as to invite me out to the park while his kids had softball practice but canceled last minute and never initiated to reschedule. He has however continued to initiate conversations with me through text although he is not very talkative through the text. He has a lot of one word responses and our conversations are mostly in the form of "what are you doing" so texting him can get quite boring. I did ask him if he wants to meet up whenever he is free and he said he would like that but he never gave much more than that. Guy number 2 is a lot better with texting. He has mentioned that he wants to meet me as well and offered that we go play disc golf together but also never gave me a time or place. He also randomly stops responding mid conversation and will text me the following day to start a new conversation. During our conversations this guy can be more flirty but in a nice way not a creepy way. These aren't the only guys that this has occurred with but they are the ones I am currently talking to. Is this common for guys to use girls for texting buddies and not be serious about actually meeting up? Ok, real deal here. What is it that you want from dating? Are you looking to find a boyfriend? Here's why I'm asking. Someone will say it soon if they haven't already about tinder being primarily for hookups or casual. So just keep in mind that this is the mindset you will encounter there for the most part. If you want a boyfriend and not a hookup, I think you should look elsewhere. Also maybe you think the attention of quick, easy attention from guys on tinder will boost your self-esteem right away. Tough though. Since chances are that most want a hookup or the two you've been talking to even string you along for getting together AND they still may only want a hookup, I think it can hurt your self esteem more than it will help. I don't usually jump on the tinder is only for hookups bandwagon because I know a couple of people who met great guys on there who became there boyfriends. That said, it is the niche of that app in general and I think it takes a more advanced set of skills to navigate who is there for the same reasons as you if your intent is to find a boyfriend. If you are relatively inexperienced with dating, have a shaky but improving self-esteem or want anything but a hookup, I would say put your effort elsewhere. Lastly, as a side note, I think many girls try to fool themselves that a hookup is fine with them but typically end up getting hurt in the process. Idk, it's our biology, lol. So be honest with yourself. As far as these two guys, they seem like they have you on the back burner. Nope. Move on. From both. Especially number one. You want to know what a guy thinks of you--don't suggest meeting up. Let them suggest it. If they don't, but still talk to you in the way these guys have it's an ego boost or back burner/option situation. If you make the mistake (IMO) of suggesting you get together, like you did with the one guy, he agrees, cancels and then doesn't reschedule or offer an alternative, ugh, no. Bye. Decide on your own that this isn't good enough for you. Do not wait until it tapers into nothing and you are left wondering how you got played. Tinder is an immediate type thing, so definitely if they aren't acting on it rather quickly, they are stringing you along. Goodluck
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