wmacbride Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Marriage of convenience...that sums up exactly what I was thinking about. People do put up with a lot of awful stuff just to stay married and don't get why that needs to be the status quo. Everyone acts like you have to stay married no matter what and I just don't agree. There needs to be something there beyond obligation. I understand that on here there's going to be negativity mostly but I see nothing but awful marriages in my life. As long as I can remember the marriages in my family were bad and now all my friends marriages are terrible. I know one guy who cannot stand his wife at all. He admits he actually hates the sound of her voice. So I ask him why he puts himself through this and all he does is raises his hand to show his wedding ring and shrugs and says "when you're married you'll understand" I'm finding it harder as I get older to even talk to women. Let alone marry one of them. A slightly different perspective. I've been married close to 20 years, and with my husband in a relationship longer than that. The initial feelings of "love" were there, but as time went by, they grew into something much deeper than that. We grew together, both as a couple and as individuals. One thing I learned is that the intense "romantic love" ebbs and flows, and if one thinks " right now, I'm not "in love" with my spouse, so I never will be again and it's time to divorce or have an affair" then your M is doomed to fail. Give it some time,put in some extra effort, and things will cycle back around again.
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 My husband already gave his answer and I appreciate the things he said. But I would like to add my own two cents. I have watched many young women more in love with the wedding than the groom. This was true even for our own daughter. In addition .. I have seen many folks enter into a marriage with the idea that if it doesn't pan out to the fantasy we have created in our minds... We simply divorce and find someone else. We live in a disposable society... We throw things away instead of fixing them and I think marriage has suffered greatly. It is hard to find couples married longer than 20 years anymore.... Even among our peers ... We are in our 60s... Folks call it quits instead of working through the issues. Many of our friends have divorced. Are we different than a generation ago? Or has our mindset changed about marriage and divorce. I am afraid it is the change of our mindset. Do we truly understand the commitment of marriage? And what a lifetime relationship means?
AMarriedMan Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 I guess I'm looking for some positivity here despite my negative tone...tell me what makes your spouse special...basically try to "sell" marriage to me... I guess I'm looking for some positivity here despite my negative tone...tell me what makes your spouse special...basically try to "sell" marriage to me... Chemical addiction is what makes everyone's spouse special to them. At the early stage, the company of a loved one causes a dopamine rush. If a lasting bond develops it's about oxytocin. If you have never fallen in love and seem to have reason to believe you never will, then why on Earth do you want anyone to sell the idea of marriage to you? What, exactly, would be the point? Marriage is a social institution created to facilitate the biological function of raising offspring. The institution of marriage is meant to ensure a stable environment for children to grow to the extent our natural pair-bonding instincts fail to guide us toward that goal. From the point of view of an individual, reproduction is hugely costly. Reproduction is not for the benefit of any individual, it is a mechanism by which our genetic code continues its existence, jumping from one vehicle to the next in an endless chain. Our genetic code guides our development including instincts for sex, pair-bonding and parenting whose sole distal purpose is the conception and raising of the next generation of vehicles for the code to survive. (The proximal purpose is, of course, a series of emotional highs that exist in the first place because of evolutionary selection pressures) If you are one of those few individuals who lack the pair-bonding instinct, you should not be asking anyone to sell you the idea of marriage because you might be fooled into marrying out of convention or external expectations, to the detriment of yourself, your spouse, and your possible children. In some individuals, the development of reproductive instincts does not happen. They do not long for bonding intimately with members of the opposite sex. A relationship would be completely pointless for such an individual. Having children is a separate matter, but you should question that idea even more than having a relationship or marrying. 2
Liam1 Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Marriage of convenience...that sums up exactly what I was thinking about. People do put up with a lot of awful stuff just to stay married and don't get why that needs to be the status quo. Everyone acts like you have to stay married no matter what and I just don't agree. There needs to be something there beyond obligation. I understand that on here there's going to be negativity mostly but I see nothing but awful marriages in my life. As long as I can remember the marriages in my family were bad and now all my friends marriages are terrible. I know one guy who cannot stand his wife at all. He admits he actually hates the sound of her voice. So I ask him why he puts himself through this and all he does is raises his hand to show his wedding ring and shrugs and says "when you're married you'll understand" I'm finding it harder as I get older to even talk to women. Let alone marry one of them. If you are happy to remain single, why worry about it? IMO, the fact that some marriages fail should not influence your decision to marry, if that is what you want to do. All relationships may falter through time, all types of relationships, not just the man/woman type. It's just human nature. A marriage does not have to fail though. A marriage will only fail if one or both allow it to fail. If love still exists between the two, all issues are surmountable. I do think one problem is that a lot of people marry someone they DO NOT LOVE simply for convenience. Those are likely the people who stay married out of obligation rather than love. But you can wait until you find love because you are happy being single. I know one guy who cannot stand his wife at all. He admits he actually hates the sound of her voice.I think some men feel obligated to complain about the "old ball and chain" when in reality they love being tethered to that "ball and chain". IMO, it's a macho guy thing and it may be a way for SOME men to bond...you know, they complain to each other about the "old ball and chain." I do not do this type of complaining, but I know a lot of men who do. I also know they do not really mean it. But divorce is very easy to day. So staying married to someone you no longer love and claim to HATE the sound of their voice is somewhat insane and masochistic, IMO. It's also likely not true unless the guy is a total loser and could never find another women to have a relationship with.
Author Porter56 Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 I really do agree with the statement that we live in a disposable society where people feel they can just be done with someone as soon as they're bored or annoyed or whatever. I have also witnessed the fact that people are more about the bells and whistles of marriage than the actual relationship itself. People are excited about the wedding, bachelor/bachelorette party, the bridal shower, engagement shower, etc etc. And then once that stuff is over they get bored and leave. People definitely do get married for the wrong reasons and I guess seeing so much of this has made me cynical about relationships in general. I am fine with being alone but... It'd be nice nice to fall in love. I just sometimes think I'd have more luck looking for bigfoot lol. 1
joseb Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 This won't help me win any popularity contests, but I think marriage - speaking very generally here - is not the best deal for men. On the whole, marriage seems to benefit ladies far more than it does us guys. I think this is evidenced in marriage's relatively poor success metrics. Now before the angry mob gets its pitchforks sharpened, let me say that I do NOT believe that marital failures are any more women's fault than men. Us guys do plenty to tip the odds against ourselves. All I'm saying is that there are benefits to marriage for women ( in general ) that do not exist for men ( in general ) and that this inequity likely plays a big part in the failure figures. You might like this summary: Marriage in the 21st century - Imgur OP Ive never been married (engaged once) but have been in long term relationships most of my life. While I have many fond memories from all, I'd have to say that my time spent single or in short term/casual relationships have been more memorable and enjoyable. I can't really ever see myself living in another cohabitation situation. It's not for everyone.
wmacbride Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 I am an unmarried man in his mid 30s and I was skimming over the posts on this forum as well as thinking about all the marriages I've known in my life and have come to the conclusion that lifelong partnership doesn't make much sense for most people. I have never been envious of any married people I've met or read about. It's always the same thing: She doesn't want sex... He doesn't want sex... We can't get along... We've grown apart... We can't communicate anymore... These are only a few of the awful and depressing things I seem to always hear about marriages, even newlyweds! The standard advice is always generic- think of the kids, communication is important, counseling, etc etc etc My point is this: You can spend your life forcing yourself to live with anyone really. I mean most people say you should just try and learn how to love the person you're with again. Well you could do that with anybody really...they don't need to be special. So just pick a name from the phonebook. I understand that marriage works for raising a family and everything but ignore that for a second and explain to me why we humans should go through this because so many of you describe really depressing lives when you talk about your marriages. And even so called happily married people don't seem so great to me. I guess I'm looking for some positivity here despite my negative tone...tell me what makes your spouse special...basically try to "sell" marriage to me... It's simple. For every depressing story you hear, you could likely find five that are positive. Right now, you are on a site for people with relationship issues,a and so of course, the results will be skewed. Try extrapolating your logic to dating, sex, or anything else. If you were to judge the practice by what you see on a forum for people who are experiencing issue sin these areas, you'd probably write the off in the same way. I've ben married for a long time now, and for the most part, I am really happy, as is my spouse.From time to time we talk to single friends who gripe about dating and ow difficult it is. They report that they are jealous of us, as we are happy and secure in our rleationship.
wmacbride Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 My husband already gave his answer and I appreciate the things he said. But I would like to add my own two cents. I have watched many young women more in love with the wedding than the groom. This was true even for our own daughter. In addition .. I have seen many folks enter into a marriage with the idea that if it doesn't pan out to the fantasy we have created in our minds... We simply divorce and find someone else. We live in a disposable society... We throw things away instead of fixing them and I think marriage has suffered greatly. It is hard to find couples married longer than 20 years anymore.... Even among our peers ... We are in our 60s... Folks call it quits instead of working through the issues. Many of our friends have divorced. Are we different than a generation ago? Or has our mindset changed about marriage and divorce. I am afraid it is the change of our mindset. Do we truly understand the commitment of marriage? And what a lifetime relationship means? People today are, more and more, living in a sense of isolation. They mistake social media contact such as texting or email for actually human contact. People also often live far away from family, and all to often, we don't learn how to love, how to relate to one another, how to grieve a loss, or how to maintain a relationship.
seamos Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 I was married and divorced twice before I was 26 years old. Obviously I didn't go about it in the right way or choose my spouses for any of the right reasons. I had a saying regarding marriage that really seemed to apply to me and many other married couples I had known; "any time you get the law involved in something it all goes to hell". I'm only saying this as it applies to myself, I don't want to be disrespectful to people who have made a marriage that works. I had several LTR's that actually were stronger and had more emotional commitment than either of my marriages. I decided to try marriage a third time when I was 42, we had only known each other a few months. While celebrating at the bar after the ceremony we realized the pastor had forgotten to sign the certificate! We discussed it and decided (for some tax reasons I won't get into) to wait for a while to file the certificate. We're still waiting. The paperwork is all complete, it just needs to be filed. But now it's simply a question of why should we? It won't change the way we feel about each other. If children were involved I would certainly see the importance of it but that doesn't apply to us. This is just what worked for us but I wanted to point out that the legal aspect of marriage isn't always what holds people together. One other example of this is several lesbian couples I know. They have only recently been able to legally marry, yet each couple has been together in a committed relationship for decades. I have a lot of respect for those who have made the commitment of marriage and have built a beautiful, lasting bond but I don't believe the legal status of marriage has that much to do with the real reason some couples last forever.
Revolver Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 I've heard several people make the case that relationships should be like the workforce. You don't want to do the same thing for 45 years, in a perfect world you want several different careers in 10 or 15 year blocks not to get bored.
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