Texting and staying in touch

[fonoma]

I have been an anxious person in my last two relationships and have a fear of abandonment. I do put a lot of validation of the relationship in how much I hear and see the person. I hate it. When I am single I have no problems like this and am very secure, independent, happy, confident. It's what's attracted the last two guys and now a new one.

 

I like him but I'm not head over heels infatuated like I was in the past. I had a crush on him for a few months and thought it may be mutual and then he asked me out. I'm still questioning whether we're right for each other but we both genuinely enjoy each other's company and conversation. He at first wanted to take it slow and I agreed since I'm still somewhat recently out of my last relationship. But the more attached I get, the more I feel some of the old anxiety come back and I can't stand it. It paints my whole experience of the world a different color and nothing seems as pleasurable or motivating. I am putting my self worth in hearing back from him or seeing him.

 

We so far (1.5 mo) see each other 2 sometimes 3 times a week but not usually for terribly long since he works late and works weekends, but he often spends the night nowadays. We text every day here and there. He's usually not that great at texting and admits that and I'd rather talk in person too, but when we don't see each other that much i like to stay in touch. He frequently takes between 10 minutes to 1-3 hours to respond to my texts even though when I'm with him at work(where we met) or at home his phone is usually out in front of him. Sometimes he texts me asking how my day is and 2 minutes later I respond and then 2 hours pass and I see him at work and he's not even busy but hasn't responded. He is extremely disorganized and terrible at planning and seems to lose track of time easily or at least has a different awareness of it. I am fascinated because I am nothing like that.

 

However, now I'm on a week long trip and would like to hear from him still. He has done a great job with checking in once or twice (or I'll do it). But yesterday I wasn't hearing from him as much and initiating more that evening/next morning since he had a race and was traveling and he didn't let me know how it went until I asked. He later asked me to send him pictures of where I was going that day and later that afternoon I sent some. 5 hours later he responds very late in the evening about them and says he's going to bed.

 

I asked if he had just gotten them because I had no signal shortly before I sent them. He responded the next morning saying he got them at work but then got distracted and then went somewhere to read for a while after. No sorry or anything. Objectively fine yet still annoying to me. And my anxiety is triggered again because I'm afraid of being faded on slowly like one guy I dated who would just slowly start texting a little less but still initiate and ask how my day was to keep me on the back burner while he was talking to the next girl he eventually went on to date.

 

I'm constantly on the lookout for negatives and things I miss about my last ex (he called to say goodnight every night we weren't together) and am wondering if I'm not being fair to this guy. But I have a feeling that I should just cut it off with someone that doesn't meet my communication needs. Would you forget to respond to someone you're still interested in? Or do you think if this keeps happening that he's lost interest? I value my sanity over relationship status so may need to make a decision soon

[d0nnivain]

I don't think you can put any stock whatsoever in how long it takes somebody to respond to a text. Not everybody is glued to their phones.

 

 

As far as reading tea leaves go, recognize that there are your anxieties not his actions that are making you nutty. If he treats you well in person, there is your answer.

[carhill]

I have been an anxious person in my last two relationships and have a fear of abandonment.

 

IMO, that's an area you'll want to focus on if you want to have a healthy LTR or marriage down the road. Reading up on attachment styles and identifying the signs and risks can assist.

 

I'm constantly on the lookout for negatives and things I miss about my last ex

 

Ex is done, over, past and you have a fresh, valuable human in front of you, one who apparently values you. That's pretty cool.

[fonoma]

I'm very familiar with attachment anxiety. The problem is knowing how to work on it and what to do about it, which I'm still figuring out. Also not dating someone who triggers it too much is helpful, probably.

 

Yesterday I didn't respond back to his explanation and he texted again several hours later asking how my day was going. I sent him some photos and we had an on-and-off conversation that he kept going and initiating even though I was busy hanging out with people on my trip and taking a long time to reply. He eventually said good night But I didn't respond because I didn't see it for a long time but figure it was ok. Later the next day (today) I sent him a message first asking how his day was. An hour later he responded and almost the same amount of time i replied back. He hasn't responded at all 8 hours later (bed time now) and I've seen him logged onto social media. This is the first time he's actually just not gotten back to me and I'm bewildered!

 

To me this just logically and emotionally screams not interested. Or at least not worth putting up with. This just doesn't seem like behavior of someone who's interested in my life like I am theirs. It made it much easier when we could see each other in person since he always seemed interested then :/. Is he doing this on purpose?

Edited May 5, 2016 by fonoma

[Zippy2000]

I don't think you can put any stock whatsoever in how long it takes somebody to respond to a text. Not everybody is glued to their phones.

 

 

As far as reading tea leaves go, recognize that there are your anxieties not his actions that are making you nutty. If he treats you well in person, there is your answer.

 

Thats fair comment you mention not everyone is glued to their phones but the OP did mention in her post that he has his phone in front of him.

 

"at home his phone is usually out in front of him"

 

So, from that he isnt much of a text or just plain lazy.

 

From a males point of view. Most of my male friends dont really text much at all.

 

All my femail friedns texts me regularly to stay in touch or to chat.

 

Males tend to use phones as a tool to get things done. Like make arrnagements to meet. women tend to use phones as a social tool. Thats the difference,

[TaraMaiden2]

My H is a terrible texter. I'll write a long message ("Got to work ok, am working an extra hour tonight, take the meat out of the freezer [top drawer] and I'll peel potatoes when I get home, please pick up some milk. Love you") and I'll get "ok love u 2 XX " back!

 

Notoriously monosyllabic!!

 

 

OP, maybe working through your abandonment issues on your own, is not as productive as it might be, through a therapist. It might be an option you should explore...

[fonoma]

I have had two therapists so far but they haven't been too helpful. I may need to look for another now that I'm a little more familiar with what I'm looking for. I see mine again soon after I get back and she is somewhat helpful and soothing but I actually haven't felt much anxiety until just recently. I was pretty calm and collected at first while dating again and less attached to the outcome until now. I think because it's hitting that 1.5-2 month mark I'm starting to get paranoid and waiting for the other shoe to drop like it did last time. The last time this happened the guy was perfectly interested in person, was making plans to introduce me to his best friend, future planned and then overnight (during a one week trip) just completely lost interest.

 

But is it not weird for him not to have replied at all yesterday? Sometimes he will text quite large paragraphs, sometimes short depending on what needs to be said. There are occasions like before bed usually when we'll have some good back and forth messages since he's just got his phone with him in bed. I wouldn't be so anxious before because even if he took a while to reply, he at least always did eventually. This is the first time that he only sent me one reply at all all day long and didn't check in before bed to see if I got in to the next city ok. I thought maybe he was busy and passed out but his facebook messenger status was off and on for several hours before midnight, which is pretty late for him.

[Gaeta]

It sounds more like possessiveness to me than anxiety.

 

It's like you want to control how he manages his time and manages his phone.

 

You see him not busy and your mind right away thinks: how dare you not texting me. That's not anxiety, sorry. You have possessiveness and control issues.

 

If he is a bad texter then don't text just call him.

 

I am looking at my phone and last time I got a text from my boyfriend was April 22nd, we don't text, we call. It illuminates all the text stress related.

[fonoma]

Well I don't do that unless he hasn't responded to me when I asked him a question. I am just really confused why he wouldn't. It means uninterested in my mind.

 

Also I was hoping to be at the point of calling but if he is too busy to text me I would feel like I'm bothering him. He doesn't call unless were coordinating something on the go.

[Lovelorn00]

Resurrecting an older thread, because I have the same questions as OP. I have seen (and written) many threads on this forum about texting habits in the various stages of dating. While the majority of the responses I've seen here frown upon texting in general (likely a generational thing), I've begun to realize that it's not about texting vs. verbal communication. It's about communication period. I don't care if it's text messaging, phone calls, chatting in person, smoke signals, carrier pigeons, or a message in a bottle, communication is communication no matter the method. If one person is engaging in it more than the other, it indicates a lack of interest. Do you agree? Communication is, arguably, the most important aspect of a relationship. If one person's frequency of communication doesn't jive with the other's, isn't that an indication that those two people aren't right for each other?

[Versacehottie]

Resurrecting an older thread, because I have the same questions as OP. I have seen (and written) many threads on this forum about texting habits in the various stages of dating. While the majority of the responses I've seen here frown upon texting in general (likely a generational thing), I've begun to realize that it's not about texting vs. verbal communication. It's about communication period. I don't care if it's text messaging, phone calls, chatting in person, smoke signals, carrier pigeons, or a message in a bottle, communication is communication no matter the method.

 

Totally agree with the above ^^^. Great post.

 

Not sure about the last bit. It's hard to imagine things perfectly 50/50 since people are different and have differing communication styles so I don't always think it's an indication of non-interest. I do agree though with the above that it's communication period.

[Lovelorn00]

Totally agree with the above ^^^. Great post.

 

Not sure about the last bit. It's hard to imagine things perfectly 50/50 since people are different and have differing communication styles so I don't always think it's an indication of non-interest. I do agree though with the above that it's communication period.

 

Yay! Thank you! I finally got something right. Haha!

 

I know that this is an oft-discussed topic here, but at the end of the day, communication is communication. Like OP, I’m currently dealing with someone who doesn’t text me as much as I’d like and takes forever to respond. In my situation, I’d consider this a red flag and an indication that I need to move on.

 

 

 

However, I’ve posted these types of questions before, and the response I often get is, “Just pick up the phone! Why are you texting so much?!” Texting itself is not the issue. It’s the sheer lack of communication and a communication style that doesn’t jive with mine at all. If the frequency of communication feels one-sided, that says, to me, that we’re not a match.