WkSlayer Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I have posted about this issue before but I wanted to expand on it. Bear with me. I have been dating my gf for 3 years. We are both divorced and she has a 9 y/o kid which I am ok with. I moved in with her last May. Along with her package comes her 21 y/o kid brother so I went from living alone to living with 3 other people. I was a bit concerned about living with her brother because I knew he has some quirks that would take getting used to, mostly being loud and messy. The living situation has been pretty good up until late last year. Her brother, who does admittedly have some form of emotional issues (I don’t think its depression though) started coming home plastered, missing work and having drunken outbursts in the middle of the night. This led to him losing hours at work then eventually getting laid off in December since his company was illegally paying people under the table. It has now been almost 4 months and he has made next to no effort to find another job. He was paying only $500 for rent and everything else (my gf and I were paying about $800 each) but now pays nothing. His days consist on sleeping until 4pm then spending evenings playing guitar or video games. He rarely helps around the house so my gf and I have to put in 40-50 hour work weeks then spend downtime cleaning while he sleeps or plays video games. I love my gf but she is a bit of an enabler. She'll occasionally push him to work and help out more but it has no effect. She lends him cigarettes, gas money and beer money so I don't think she is doing enough to push him in a right direction. Since this has been happening, she has pretty much had to cover his potion of the rent. She hasn’t directly asked me for money but I have been paying the large grocery bills from Costo, picking up extra things at the store and since she is so strapped for cash, when we eat out, it’s always me paying. I want to ease the burden on her but his not working is pulling an extra $300-400 per month more money out of my pocket. I try to gently bring up this situation and how I am not happy with it but she is very sensitive about it and it ends in an argument. She doesn’t place a big value on money but I do. It isn’t everything to me, but I do think its important I tuck a few bucks away each month as I am almost 40 and wants some cash ready when I retire. During one of our arguments, she more or less revealed that all along she wanted me to chip in with helping pay her brother's way, stating “if you wanted to help me out, you would have so whatever, just keep your money." Should I be helping her out? Is it really fair to me to pay extra to essentially support a lazy 21 year old who won’t work? Where do I go from here? This is upsetting me and I am thinking of leaving.
d0nnivain Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I don't think it's your obligation to support your GF's brother. I'd tell him that he either needs to contribute equally or move out but that if he does neither you will be moving. 3
ChickiePops Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 Where are their parents in all of this? This situation is ridiculous..there is absolutely no way you should have to live with or support your girlfriends adult brother..she shouldn't be living with him either! I honestly think it's time to rethink this girlfriend. If her lazy loser of a brother is forever part of her package then she might not be worth it at all. You've let both your gf and her brother walk all over you..it's time to put your foot down. Either he goes or they all go.
Zapbasket Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 (edited) Where are their parents in all of this? This situation is ridiculous..there is absolutely no way you should have to live with or support your girlfriends adult brother..she shouldn't be living with him either! I honestly think it's time to rethink this girlfriend. If her lazy loser of a brother is forever part of her package then she might not be worth it at all. You've let both your gf and her brother walk all over you..it's time to put your foot down. Either he goes or they all go. ChickiePops is right. It's good for family to help out family, but in this case your girlfriend is indeed enabling her brother. There's no healthy way, therefore, for you to participate. You are absolutely right not to offer to shoulder her brother's share of the rent. Enabling is a sinkhole that gains diameter every time someone else is sucked into playing. To refuse to participate appears, from the skewed realities of the enabler and enabl-ee, to be "unfair" and "disruptive," but it's the only way things have a hope of being repaired. I wouldn't issue an overt ultimatum--e.g., "either he goes or I go." I would be compassionate toward your girlfriend, because she feels obligated to help her brother while also probably feeling frustrated and at a loss. An ultimatum will put her in a situation where she'll have to choose against you, or for you, against her brother, or for him...and then YOU'LL look like the unreasonable one for forcing her to make such a heartbreaking choice. Not to mention she ultimately will choose her brother; he is family. So try to appeal to her sense of burden and her guilt at feeling like she shouldn't have to help her brother, but not seeing a way out. Help her see her way out. Calmly point out the problem, with no blaming of anyone: you both are short $500 per month. Tell you you can see it's stressing her out, and that you want to work together to come up with a solution. If she suggests you chipping in more than you already are, you can gently say, "I want to join with you in helping your brother, but I don't think it's a good precedent to have him continue living here and not contribute something. Could we help him find a job? Could your parents take him in for a while, until he lands on his feet? Could they chip in his share of expenses until he can pay them himself?" I am sure some part of her realizes that her brother places an unfair burden on her. It's doubtful this is the first time such a thing has happened. If she can admit to this even a little bit, then she might really welcome an "outsider," a.k.a. you, offering alternative solutions that her sense of obligation prevented her from exploring. Edited May 3, 2016 by GreenCove
kendahke Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 (edited) she has a 9 y/o kid which I am ok with. I moved in with her last May. Along with her package comes her 21 y/o kid brother You moved in with her and her brood, not the other way around. I think you should move back out. Perhaps she will face her issues with enabling her brother once she sees she can't count on you to pick up the slack her brother needs to be picking up. Or maybe she won't, but it was their home you moved into. And regardless of what lil bro does or doesn't do, blood is thicker than water. Boyfriends come and go. I really don't see how you have any right moving into their home with them and now feel you should be reprimanding her brother. Edited May 3, 2016 by kendahke 3
Author WkSlayer Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 I understand that I was the one who moved in with them. And no, its not my place to reprimand her brother. But we did have a verbal agreement before I moved in about who would pay what and now that's been broken. It's not like I am living for free, I am paying a large amount of the expenses and essentially, helping to feed a 21 year old adult who wont work.
smackie9 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 Then you just tell her like it is, and if she can't get off her duff to get her brother off his, then simply move out. It would be different if you were on board with it going into this situation, but this was unfairly dumped on you, and this is not what you signed up for. To most this is what you call a dealbreaker....and it's time to move on. 1
kendahke Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 But we did have a verbal agreement. blood is thicker than water
kidm Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I would not put up with this arrangement. She is probably enabling his behavior because you are around to chip in for his slack. If she was left with the full brunt of his laziness, she would probably see the situation differently and put pressure on him to find work and contribute. Yah, I'd move out asap. You're being taken advantage of imo. She might not see it like that but that's definitely what is happening. He's not your responsibility.
ChickiePops Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Whoops, I missed the part about you being the one to move in with them. Move out!!! Like yesterday!!! At this point you are enabling him as much as she is. 1
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