My bf is too clingy

[Greencase]

I have been with my bf for nearly a year and a constant problem we have had through out this time is me seeing my friends with out him. Due to his past he has no friends in the area and in his previous relationship they lead separate lives and never did anything together.

I have 4 close friends that I have know since school and see on a regular basis. Sometimes we do stuff with our partners other times I just have a girly catch up by going out for dinner or shopping, or jogging. Every time I do this it ends up in a argument one way or another because he feels lonely when I go out without him and misses me when I am not with him and I feel bad for making him feel this way, but frustrated that he is making me feel bad that I can't go out with him and that we can't seem to get past this.

I thought things would improve when he got a playstation as he would have something to do when I am not in but it hasn't helped.

I don't go out loads (I don't think) I don't see anyone last week and am having dinner at my friends thursday and out for dinner for another's birthday on Saturday, and I have no plans for the week after.

I don't know how to handle this anymore as I don't want to stop seeing my friends and I don't want him to have to (just get over it).

[jsmith92]

My first relationship i done everything with my girlfriend and it made me lose a few close friends. I got too attatched to her and it became normal for us both to revolve everything around each other but we didnt realise at the time that it wasnt healthy, you need to have time to see friends too.

 

The fact he doesnt have many friends is not your fault, you are his girlfriend and should have your own time with your friends its normal. It sounds like he is too used to just revolving everything around you that when you want to do something else with friends he doesnt like it.

 

You shouldnt be made to feel guilty, dont fall into the trap i did by putting everything into a relationship and forgetting who your close friends are. Just say to him that you need to have a life with friends to and if he doesnt understand that or acts childish about it then you will have to decide if that is something you want to put up with.

[RedPurpleOrange]

It's already peeing you off, you're already frustrated, otherwise you wouldn't be coming on here. He'll end up chasing you away and have nobody at all. Clinginess is a horrible trap for a man, and by relying solely on you as his 'island', he is going to become the architect of his own downfall.

 

 

Best thing that could help him is reading comments like this. Catch 22!

[d0nnivain]

Can you do anything to encourage him to make new friends? Suggest he join a sports team or volunteer somewhere like at the local firehouse or join a group like the Elks, the Moose, the Kiwanis etc so he has stuff to do. Even arrange a man date for him with your friends BFs. Get him a social life without you.

[StreetsKings]

You sound like you're still pretty young so my best advice would be to open your eyes and realize the small but substantial red flags like this one... Because things like that snowball into major major issues. If he couldn't remember your friends names or something of that nature, that's a red flag people can live with bc it's not a sign of a much deeper issue .

 

Personally I never could/would date someone who doesn't have their own individual life, friends, career, hobbies, without me. I want my gf to go out with her friends whenever she wants. She's brought me around them and they've become my friends at this point, but I don't feel the need to always be around her anywhere she goes.

 

Start pulling back and letting it be more casual with this guy. If that's not do able, then cut the cord

[love1336x]

Question? When your friends have boyfriends do they totally forget you?

Do you want to live a single life and yet continue to have a boyfriend? I am not saying for you to totally forget your friends, but you're man should be your number best friend who you do stuff with, and enjoy being around with period.

 

 

 

 

Ever thought of taking him with you when you hang out with your friends?

A little bit of time away from him is a good thing, but overall it sounds like you want the single life when you was hanging out with your friends on the regular. Be single. Let him find a girl who wants to spend time with him and enjoys it. When you're in a relationship it should come natural to want to be around the person you claim to love with all your heart. A friendship bond shouldn't be stronger than that.

[Gloria25]

You sound like you're still pretty young so my best advice would be to open your eyes and realize the small but substantial red flags like this one... Because things like that snowball into major major issues. If he couldn't remember your friends names or something of that nature, that's a red flag people can live with bc it's not a sign of a much deeper issue .

 

Personally I never could/would date someone who doesn't have their own individual life, friends, career, hobbies, without me. I want my gf to go out with her friends whenever she wants. She's brought me around them and they've become my friends at this point, but I don't feel the need to always be around her anywhere she goes.

 

Start pulling back and letting it be more casual with this guy. If that's not do able, then cut the cord

 

Insecure = clingy, lonely, controlling, abusive (verbal/physical), murder.

 

People like him don't get better. You can even be locked up alone with him, no friends, no life and he'd still be insecure and controlling.

 

One guy I saw on ID's "Dark Obsession"?

 

He insisted on going out with her on girl's nite. They met up with other couples and morning leaving the club, all took a walk on the beach. He wanted to go back to hotel, she didn't. He accused her of wanting to get with the guy from one of th couples (irrational jealousy) and when they went back to the hotel, he beat her senseless.

 

Guy who left me for town skank? After he dumped me, I was at the club just talking to a guy I had NO romantic interest in...here he comes demanding to know who I'm talking to. I was so taken aback that I couldn't think of a quick response/comeback.

 

Belgian guy? One time I was talking to him and TV was on. He demanded to know who was in my room. I hung up on him and told him never to call me again.

 

Don't let me get started about my neighbor....

 

So trust me, I've had my share of experience with clingy/insecure guys.

[Standard-Fare]

This is HIS problem, don't let him make it yours.

 

You have every right to maintain a social life, including aspects of a social life that don't include him. And he has NO right to make you feel guilty about that; nor does he deserve your pity for times when he feels "abandoned." That's needy and childish and insecure.

 

I'd put down a hard line on this issue. Tell him he's gotta find ways to deal with the reality of you having a social life, and if he doesn't, it's going to become a major roadblock for your relationship.

[StreetsKings]

Insecure = clingy, lonely, controlling, abusive (verbal/physical), murder.

 

People like him don't get better. You can even be locked up alone with him, no friends, no life and he'd still be insecure and controlling.

 

One guy I saw on ID's "Dark Obsession"?

 

He insisted on going out with her on girl's nite. They met up with other couples and morning leaving the club, all took a walk on the beach. He wanted to go back to hotel, she didn't. He accused her of wanting to get with the guy from one of th couples (irrational jealousy) and when they went back to the hotel, he beat her senseless.

 

Guy who left me for town skank? After he dumped me, I was at the club just talking to a guy I had NO romantic interest in...here he comes demanding to know who I'm talking to. I was so taken aback that I couldn't think of a quick response/comeback.

 

Belgian guy? One time I was talking to him and TV was on. He demanded to know who was in my room. I hung up on him and told him never to call me again.

 

Don't let me get started about my neighbor....

 

So trust me, I've had my share of experience with clingy/insecure guys.

 

Um I think your example is one rare extreme example.. Not something that's the common result as your post seems to imply. Not saying that there aren't psychos out there but cmon... Referencing an episode from Investigation Discovery channels series on crazy murdering couples, doesn't really seem relevant or appropriate to use in giving this girl advice.

[Gloria25]

Um I think your example is one rare extreme example.. Not something that's the common result as your post seems to imply. Not saying that there aren't psychos out there but cmon... Referencing an episode from Investigation Discovery channels series on crazy murdering couples, doesn't really seem relevant or appropriate to use in giving this girl advice.

 

And that's the problem...

 

People take these things lightly when fact is they can and usually escalate to bad things.

 

The girl on Dark Obsession? She said at first, she didn't think anything of it and even after he started beating on her, she started rationalizing it and just thought if she didn't give him reason to be controlling/angry everything would be ok.

[StreetsKings]

And that's the problem...

 

People take these things lightly when fact is they can and usually escalate to bad things.

 

The girl on Dark Obsession? She said at first, she didn't think anything of it and even after he started beating on her, she started rationalizing it and just thought if she didn't give him reason to be controlling/angry everything would be ok.

 

All due respect I just disagree. The OP doesn't have to worry that her BF might murder her just because he's a little clingy and you watched a tv episode that was scary.

[Liam1]

Question? When your friends have boyfriends do they totally forget you?

Do you want to live a single life and yet continue to have a boyfriend?

 

I am not saying for you to totally forget your friends, but you're man should be your number best friend who you do stuff with, and enjoy being around with period.

 

Ever thought of taking him with you when you hang out with your friends?

A little bit of time away from him is a good thing, but overall it sounds like you want the single life when you was hanging out with your friends on the regular. Be single. Let him find a girl who wants to spend time with him and enjoys it.

 

When you're in a relationship it should come natural to want to be around the person you claim to love with all your heart. A friendship bond shouldn't be stronger than that.

 

I agree with this post. Can you two develop couples friends?

 

If you are very young, maybe you are just too young for an exclusive relationship, at this time.

 

With that said, too many couples today are doing their own thing. They seem to want the security of a relationship but still want to act like they are single.

 

This is a recipe for disaster.

 

There are just too many people out there actively looking for affairs. When you are out alone, either one of you, it's just too easy to starting thinking of yourself as single.

 

You may say you would never have an affair, but it is wise to NEVER say never.

 

If the ingredients are right, IMO, everyone is vulnerable to an affair. Even those who swore they would never have an affair.

 

IMO, people who INSIST they would never have an affair, are likely the most vulnerable to an affair because they are in denial and do not set proper boundaries.

 

It is one thing to have constructive activities like a volunteer fireman or such, but to just go out alone with friends to a bar or even dinner, is going to cause problems down the road.

[preraph]

I've lost a couple of good girlfriends to controlling jerks like him and I have no sympathy for them whatsoever. That kind of control is the first step in abusive relationships, trying to isolate you, control you. You cannot let him do it. He doesn't know what love is. If he did he'd be considering your feelings and not ask you to abandon good friends! He should be enhancing your life and encouraging you to do what makes you happy, and all he's doing is putting you in a box and then throwing a tantrum like the toddler he still is.

[anna121]

I really can't comprehend the mindset that is suspicious of a person in a relationship having dinner with friends without their partner and would seek to limit that.

 

Bottom line - find someone who thinks the same as you with respect to whether it is appropriate to go out socially without your partner. You'll never convince someone on the opposite side to think differently.

 

Just avoid the hassle, and pick someone already there.

[Standard-Fare]

I've lost a couple of good girlfriends to controlling jerks like him and I have no sympathy for them whatsoever. That kind of control is the first step in abusive relationships, trying to isolate you, control you. You cannot let him do it. He doesn't know what love is. If he did he'd be considering your feelings and not ask you to abandon good friends! He should be enhancing your life and encouraging you to do what makes you happy, and all he's doing is putting you in a box and then throwing a tantrum like the toddler he still is.

 

Yep - I too, have lost a couple friends to boyfriends/spouses of this controlling, insecure nature.

 

It can become a pretty ugly scene. One of my friends is with a guy who slowly but surely cut her off from most of her friends and loved ones. He had no friends or hobbies of his own, so he focused solely on domineering her time.

 

They got married several months ago and it's gotten even worse. He is unemployed and clinically depressed, and my friend is just sucked into that vacuum of negativity, with no social outlets for reprieve or support. Their household is miserable, and every time I see her she seems just DRAINED.