Maybe Nice Guys Avoid Real Relationships by Dating Unavailable Women

[moimeme]

...the 'nice guys' who always fall for ungrateful women who take advantage of them are actually avoiding real relationships. Maybe it's another form of fear. Maybe it's guaranteed failure. After all, were they to seek out women who appreciate them for their kind and giving qualities, they'd have to put rubber to the road and actually be in relationships. Maybe it's another form of commitment phobia - choose the emotionally unavailable, unappreciative woman so you can withdraw from her. People aren't that dumb that they actually believe a person will change, are they? Isn't it just so much easier to take up with someone you can eventually dump, citing her ungrateful ways than to have to put forth the effort to have a relationship with a woman who is good to you? Plus, you get sympathy from men and women alike. Nobody notices that you're really running away but finding a camouflage to make it seem as though you're not. Thoughts?

[Mr Spock]

I knew a guy that used to have a big crush on me. Was pretty open about it too. I told him that I was not interested in him, and would never be interested in him, and that he was using his public crush on me as a means of avoiding a real relationship with a woman that would reciprocate.

 

When I ended up dating someone else he was furious, but I was always very honest with him about where he stood and didn't feel guilty at all.

 

 

I agree partially with your statement-except of course when you're blinded by physical attraction how do you differentiate from "Luuuuurve"? So these "men" experience strong desire for these ungrateful "women" they are blinded by their selfish natures until the desire wears off a bit and they can see it.

 

(and I'm not saying I was "ungrateful" towards my above example-I would not even give him the chance to find that out)

[laRubiaBonita]

there are definitely the types of people that just set themselves up for failure, Like they HAVE to fulfill some 'self-condemning' self-prophecy they have.

 

and even if things were to go well, these persons would find some way to F- it Up.

 

Basically, it comes down to how these persons feel about themselves. what they're Self-worth is.

 

usually they believe they are worthless, and deserve no good, but only bad things. So it is not even like these types just "do not have", they will screw everything so that not only will they have nothing, but they will also be paying for their mistake in some way.

[d'Arthez]

It is just one of the many ways, to mess up one's life and be oblivious to it in the process. There are 'heroic' ways to run away for one's responsibilities, and less herioc ways. This is defenitely one of the less heroic ways.

 

Yt shares a lot of a similarities, with women who use men as their private project to improve them to normalcy / happiness. We all know the likely outcomes, yet in most cases, these women get the sympathy of those around her.

[screwedover]

so let me get this straight--now its the nice guys fault that ungrateful women use him? Maybe the nice guy is looking for a real relationship, and its the unavailable woman who seeks him out because he is easy to take advantage of. they use his niceness against him.

 

maybe its his niceness that keeps him hanging on longer than he should in such a relationship, maybe hoping that she will change and appreciate him for what he is. i dont know how you seek out emotionally unavailable women, as some sort of guaranteed failed realtionship---how do you know this until you get deeper into the relationship and discover this??? everybody starts out on their best behavior in a relationship, and only time will reveal the true colrs of a person afetr the honeymoon period wears out. for the nice guy, he is usually found on the short end of this stick, and maybe he is too close to the situation to see it coming before someone who observes at a distance.

 

Your theory makes the nice guy seemingly clairvoiant and it is he that is the user, thereby negating the implication of "nice guy" at the start. i think its whe the nice guy meets the nice girl that things finally work, and the remainder make up the 54% divorce rate. there are just not that many of them out there, and its hard to find each other.

[Marshbear]

Food for thought Moimeme.

 

People aren't that dumb that they actually believe a person will change, are they?

I do disagree with this statement. Some people are indeed that dumb to believe the above...

[moimeme]

now its the nice guys fault

 

You can't help things which take place in your subconscious. It's not a matter of clairvoyance but rather of picking up on (or not ignoring) what are often very obvious signs that a person isn't going to fall for you. We have another current thread in which a man has said specifically that he has no interest in either marriage or living together yet a poster who is falling for him hopes 'there's a chance'.

 

And very often when you talk to the people who've been in these relationships, they tell you they had indications early on that their dream gal/guy might not be a good mate but chose to ignore them.

 

People aren't that dumb that they actually believe a person will change, are they?

I do disagree with this statement. Some people are indeed that dumb to believe the above...

 

Take it in context, Marshbear. I meant that emotionally unavailable people aren't likely to change.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by moimeme

...the 'nice guys' who always fall for ungrateful women who take advantage of them are actually avoiding real relationships. Maybe it's another form of fear. Maybe it's guaranteed failure. After all, were they to seek out women who appreciate them for their kind and giving qualities, they'd have to put rubber to the road and actually be in relationships. Maybe it's another form of commitment phobia - choose the emotionally unavailable, unappreciative woman so you can withdraw from her. People aren't that dumb that they actually believe a person will change, are they? Isn't it just so much easier to take up with someone you can eventually dump, citing her ungrateful ways than to have to put forth the effort to have a relationship with a woman who is good to you? Plus, you get sympathy from men and women alike. Nobody notices that you're really running away but finding a camouflage to make it seem as though you're not. Thoughts?

 

Sort of. In "No More Mr. Nice Guy" it covers that topic. Nice Guys tend to pick women they think they can "caretake" or "caregive" to and fix them. Diamonds in the rough, so to speak.

 

Men with healthy self-esteem avoid diamonds in the rough because they feel they deserve...diamonds.

[UCFKevin]

I guess I have healthy self esteem then.