katsikins Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I'm feeling really down about this situation and hoping to get some advice.. I was recently seeing a guy, who i had known for a long time as we went to the same school. We started talking a year ago after seeing each other out, and talked all the time after that. He left to go travelling overseas for most of last year, but we started seeing each other at the start of this year when he got back. I had moved about an hour away while he was gone, but he would still drive to see me when he could. He would come over on weekends and stay, and occasionally during the week. We would go out for dinner or drinks and we would always have a great time. But, in between the visits i didn't hear from him a lot, which i found weird considering we spoke ALL the time while he was away. I had no idea what was going on or where i stood. There were times where i was near him visiting friends, and i would text him to let him know. He would say things like "let's go for a coffee in the morning" but then he would say he was too busy or "next week will be better" but never followed through with it. It was really confusing and things started to feel like "friends with benefits" after he started 'booting calling me.' I wouldn't hear from him all week but then i would get a call/text from him in the middle of the night asking if i he could come over. After this happened the first time, a few days had passed and no word from him. So i texted him and told him straight out i wasn't OK with him coming over in the middle of night and then not speaking to me afterwards, and that it made me feel used. He replied and basically said something like "Sorry, i suck". It happened again the next weekend, only this time he did stay for breakfast in the morning. I thought maybe this time he would make more of an effort since i had told him how it made me feel last time. But no. I texted him a few days later and he ignored it. After that, i could see that he was active on Facebook, posting and commenting on things. This left me feeling so angry, I let my emotions take over and i texted him again and called him a jerk for ignoring me, and treating me like this. He didn't respond. 7 weeks passed and no word from him, until last weekend when i was in his area visiting friends for drinks. I posted a photo on Facebook which he immediately 'liked'. He then texted asking if i was in the area and if he could take me to breakfast in the morning. I told him i wasn't sure, and then i asked him why he had ignored me like he did. he told me that i got too 'cranky', which he didn't like. He also said that he is just too busy and never has free time. I told him it was no excuse and he said that he wasn't making excuses and that 'it is what it is'. After that, i drunkenly told him how i felt, i told him i had feelings for him and that the ball was in his court. Later that night he asked if he could come and pick me up. I wasn't thinking straight, and i wanted answers out of him so i agreed. When i got to his house, I tried to talk to him about everything and he completely shut down. Avoided my questions, and just changed the subject etc. I got nothing. I spent the night with him, and in the morning i left feeling really down. I knew i had just been used, again, and i knew i wasn't going to hear from him. He texted a day later, and i replied. But then he didn't reply. After that, i couldn't help myself. I texted him, again, and told him that clearly, i had made the biggest mistake going back to him, and obviously 'breakfast' was just a ploy to get me back to his house. I called him an ass for taking advantage of how i felt about him and that he clearly doesn't care about me. At first it made me feel better, but then i felt so much worse. I felt like such an idiot for giving him the power. I have just found out from social media, that he is actually seeing someone else. Or so it seems.. Already! unless he was seeing her at the same time as me...? i don't know. Either way, i can't help but feel gutted... Like i just wasn't good enough. I really liked him, and it was great when we were together. Do you think he was just using me all along? keeping me on the side? I fear that maybe i just made things too easy for him. I let him come and go as he pleased and maybe i set myself up for this.. 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 Honestly, yes I do think he was using you and yes you made it easy for him. Hindsight is a great thing, but you can't blame yourself because you didn't know, now you do. I'm sure this has been a hurtful experience for you, but in the long run it will teach you valuable lesson about dating and relationships. Most importantly about teaching people how to treat you. Some people will take advantage of you if they can for their own selfish needs. If you see the signs early enough you can put and end to it. If you want to be treated with respect then you have to be willing to cut someone off if they play games with you. This guy basically admitted as much to you by saying "Sorry, I suck" and then continued to use you for sex, only this time he left even earlier, before breakfast making you feel cheap. He is a creep, but looking back can you can see that you rewarded his behavior by allowing it to continue? That is what I mean by teaching people how to treat you. If you learn from this you won't let another guy treat you like that again. Sadly, not everyone learns from their first bad experience and they continue to repeat it over and over again which destroys their self esteem, please don't let that be you. You deserve so much better than this guy now you are free to have that. 3
Arieswoman Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 katsikins, Was he using me? Yes. Sorry. But you can learn from this to value yourself more. We teach other people how to treat us. Other people treat us as well or as badly as we allow. So make your mind up now that you're going to make changes in your relationships You need to set some boundaries and not allow other people to push them. You don't sleep with guys until you're sure you're exclusive You don't let guys "booty call" you late at night. If they push you, then you shut down that $h!£ by telling them that that is how you operate. If they persist then walk away. And when people show you who they are believe it. He replied and basically said something like "Sorry, i suck". So there you have it. You've lost him but that = zilch because he was no good for you anyway. Stop beating yourself up over this. You can learn from this what you don't want. Good luck x 3
HillValley Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 Come on. If a guy wants a burger, he'll put on pants, comb his hair, brush his teeth, and drive to the nearest drive-thru. This guy couldn't bother to answer a text on a phone and you're asking if he was just using you? 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 comb his hair and brush his teeth? Guess again.... his pants are probably jeans he's worn for a month, his socks are three days old, his sweatshirt is his old high-school one (very attached to it, he is) and his car is some old jalopy his dad gave him $300 to buy, and is held together purely by the virtue of how much rust there is. You think this guy's gonna give a flying fig about 'using' a girl? 3
Leigh 87 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 You let him use you. People do not use us; we LET THEM. I have had nice guys explain to me after the VERY FIRST time we hooked up that : listen Leigh 87, you are really hot and a very sweet girl, but we do not click enough romantically/emotionally enough for a relationship" The second I asked what they wanted they were honest; or even without my prompting, some guys divulged immediately that they were only after FWB. You ignored the bleeding OBVIOUS and threw your dignity out the window in this scenario which is on you - BUT --- and a bit BUT.. This guy is a real piece of work - he was just too bone lazy and uncaring to, after being INFOFRMED by you, that you DID indeed have "feelings" for him (and you acted obsessed - sorry!) he TOOK ADVANTAGE of this, knowing VERY WELL you would be hurt if you were used for sex. He knew that this situation was not good for you yet he was too lazy to get another shag those nights and you were convenient. He honestly does not even sound like he was very attracted to you ( men who were very attracted to me at lest treated me well rather than an opion --- they were good to me and did not booty call me, but acknowledged they were moving soon/ the emotions were missing despite the high chemistry and physical attraction. You see, even when a guy is not falling for you on ALL levels, the men who are still very attracted to you and ENJOY your company - they treat you well - they may not deem you as relationship material due to their lack of EMOTIONS or ROMANTIC CLICK - but they darn well feel the fire for you and love you silly little personality well enough to take you out for a meal and treat you to DVD's and have actual conversations with you for hours BEFORE SEX. That is what FWBs do what they LIKE and RESPECT you and think you are smoking HOT - the way it SHOULD be - as opposed to any hole will do! I had FWB and yes we used each other in a sense but damn girl, we liked and respected each other! This guy did not even like or respect you - the way he treated you is indicative that he saw you as a walking vagina that was good enough to get him hard, but not even worth any effort! No phone calls, hanging out, long facebook chats. Nothing. You were not connected on any level. This really hurts. I have been there, and I would venture to guess WE HAVE ALL been there, as loveshack user who remain here to give advice long after our dating retarded - ways have improved! I am so sorry that this guy is a real piece of work - he IS NOT WORTH opening your legs for! I don't care how horny you are, masturbate EVERYTIME over letting this POS touch you again If you want casual, at least.. at the VERY least... ensure the guy actually likes and respects you, enjoys your company and sees it as a real treat to hang with you! My FWBs and I looked really forward to our outings! We talked and drunk wine all night and went on fast car rides the next day/ talked to each other at length when we were apart and supported each other through some of our most trying times of our lives! Yes we missed each others company when we went off and dated others but we were totally cool with it. When it is a FWB BOTH parties need to be on the same page! The WORST thing that can happen to a woman who sounds sweet and sensitive like yourself, is for JERKS like this guy to use your vagina purely for sex - cold hard sex as opposed to having any shred of affection or respect towards you and your feelings. This sh*t crushes a woman's self esteem. Most women are not cut out for FWB as it is. Much less being used like a cold piece of meat. 4
Leigh 87 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 A holes like this really sh*t me! I mean, how hard is it to put two and two together! " okay, this person confessed that they were into me. Duhhhh hmmmmm oh okay, I am NOT into them at all, so MAYBE...... perhaps, I should refrain from screwing them and find a casual sex partner that is on.... I dunno, the SAME PAGE AS I AM?" " yeah.... that way they will not get hurt, when you know, I may perhaps one day find someone I am actually into and have to see me ride off into the sunset with them?" When people have feelings towards us, they get jealous and hurt, sometimes downright heartbroken, when we move on to someone else who we ARE into (mutually!) It is not rocket science and people should know better. SO sick of sociopaths and uncaring jerks being born! 4
joseb Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 Yeah, sometimes these stories are complicated with lots of nuances. In this case, it's pretty simple... He absolutely used you, and acted like an ass. And, yes, you let him. 5
Satu Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 He did use you, but half of the responsibility for that lies with you. How much are you worth? Its you that sets that standard. Set it much higher. 4
Lois_Griffin Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 Why on EARTH would you let this loser come to your house late at night and have sex with you when he couldn't even be bothered to carve out an HOUR of time for you for a lousy cup of coffee? You weren't 'seeing' him as you say in your post. The sad truth is that you were allowing him to use you for sex. And the second time he did it, you made him breakfast to boot. Look, I don't mean to be harsh, but it's NOT rocket science figuring out when you're being used. If someone can't even be bothered to give you the time of day every single time you reach out to him - yet has no problem asking to come over at midnight when he has no other options but YOU, that's a pretty clear indication you're being used. Learn from this. Respect yourself more next time. 4
StreetsKings Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 As the guy, I'd bet that if we asked him to be honest and tell us whether or not he was "using you", he would say no. That doesn't mean you weren't getting shafted and made to pander to his time, schedule, and convenience.... Yet everything that happened was still under your control, had you been able to think clearly, maturely, and with way more common sense and standards for you. I don't care if you've know a guy for a longtime, or had been talking to each other a lot, daily, or sleeping together, or had gone on dates.... If you are not his girlfriend, and he is not your boyfriend or living with you, then you should NEVER send the angry, dissapointed, "where've you been?" Type texts. All you're ever doing when you do that or talk to him with those questions/attitude.... Is just make it blatant you are trying to "guilt trip" him into not giving you the attention you want from him and you're trying to get him to apologize and make you feel better about it.... But the problem is... He's not your BF... And you're never going to argue, or guilt someone into realizing that they care about/love you. Future tips to live by: - during the initial meeting/dating stages, let the guy initiate getting together/communication the first 2-3 times before you contact him first. - if you want a relationship, don't sleep with guys on a first date even if you've know them for years or are friends. When guys don't have to work for it or see it as a challenge, then it doesn't matter if you're Megan Fox, guys will think a slight bit less of you by doing so. - if you text a guy once and he doesn't reply or answer, don't text him again until he makes up for it in person. - don't make it appear like you have nothing else going on in your life and spend your day planning around the guys life. - you did this with the guy you were just seeing. If you're showIng emotion (even if it's anger/ball busting) and start questioning him, then be knows you don't have any other options he has to compete with or out do in order to win your time. 1
HillValley Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 comb his hair and brush his teeth? Guess again.... his pants are probably jeans he's worn for a month, his socks are three days old, his sweatshirt is his old high-school one (very attached to it, he is) and his car is some old jalopy his dad gave him $300 to buy, and is held together purely by the virtue of how much rust there is. You think this guy's gonna give a flying fig about 'using' a girl? What are you talking about? My point was the minimal amount of effort it takes to sit in a car for something you want and this dude couldn't be bothered to text her means of course he didn't value her. When we want to make an effort we will.
Gaeta Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I really liked him, and it was great when we were together. Yes he used you and yes you made it easy for him to use you. That being said here is a hint for next time. You have to feel great 'in between' seeing a man just as much. If not you drop it. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I'll add to the chorus... Yes, he used you. Most definitely. I'll take it a step further and say he probably had someone else on the go too. Cut contact for good. 3
katiegrl Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 To the OP --- what I don't get is after you told him you don't like that he calls you late at night (for sex), the very next weekend he calls you late at night for sex, and you say okay and let him come over? Not getting that one. Can you clarify what you were thinking there? Okay the guy is no prize, and probably was using you but you made it very easy for him to do so. Guys (some not all) will always push boundaries, so next time when a guy calls late night wanting booty, if you DON'T want that, say no and DON'T let him over. No need to even tell him you don't like it, just say NO whenever it happens. The word "no" is your friend! 2
Author katsikins Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 To the OP --- what I don't get is after you told him you don't like that he calls you late at night (for sex), the very next weekend he calls you late at night for sex, and you say okay and let him come over? Not getting that one. Can you clarify what you were thinking there? Okay the guy is no prize, and probably was using you but you made it very easy for him to do so. Guys (some not all) will always push boundaries, so next time when a guy calls late night wanting booty, if you DON'T want that, say no and DON'T let him over. No need to even tell him you don't like it, just say NO whenever it happens. The word "no" is your friend! Well the second time, he sort of just showed up without warning. But still, that's a good question. I guess i just hoped he wasn't going to do the same thing again (not talk to me afterwards) since i had told him the previous week how it made me feel. But that was so stupid of me to think. I know now, that i should have just told him to get lost, even if he was already standing at my door. I was an idiot. Yeah, i made a lot of mistakes with this guy and will definitely be saying no next time. Thanks! 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Well the second time, he sort of just showed up without warning. But still, that's a good question. I guess i just hoped he wasn't going to do the same thing again .... Yeah, i made a lot of mistakes with this guy and will definitely be saying no next time. Thanks! If you play it right, right now - there isn't going to BE a next time! You have to prevent a 'next time' from even happening...! Go NC. You KNOW it makes sense! 1
Author katsikins Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 If you play it right, right now - there isn't going to BE a next time! You have to prevent a 'next time' from even happening...! Go NC. You KNOW it makes sense! oh yes! I just meant in a general sense, with any guy, i wont let them treat me like that. Definitely cutting off all contact with him!
Author katsikins Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 A holes like this really sh*t me! I mean, how hard is it to put two and two together! " okay, this person confessed that they were into me. Duhhhh hmmmmm oh okay, I am NOT into them at all, so MAYBE...... perhaps, I should refrain from screwing them and find a casual sex partner that is on.... I dunno, the SAME PAGE AS I AM?" " yeah.... that way they will not get hurt, when you know, I may perhaps one day find someone I am actually into and have to see me ride off into the sunset with them?" When people have feelings towards us, they get jealous and hurt, sometimes downright heartbroken, when we move on to someone else who we ARE into (mutually!) It is not rocket science and people should know better. SO sick of sociopaths and uncaring jerks being born! Yep, you would think so. I just dont understand why it is so hard for some men to just be upfront and honest. It's not hard, if a girl tells you they like you.. that's the part where you either say you like them back or you dont. You don't go and take advantage of it so you can get laid, hurting someone in the process. Am i asking for too much here?
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