accident_prone Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 im 27 and she's 21 (I know that's a gap but she's very mature and responsible for her age) we've been together right at a year and for the most part everything has been great. no major problems, etc. she does suffer from anxiety so occasionally that'll throw her off for a day or so but that's about it. last month she traveled with her job and helped a new store a few hours away. we knew it'd be a little rough considering we were used to seeing each other 4-5 times a week but didn't overthink it. we talked a bit while she was away and I went to visit for two days 1/3 of the way through and she came and visited about 2/3 through. anyway, she just got back about two weeks ago and she's seemed a bit off. we talked when I first noticed and she said that she's just having a tough time adjusting from being by herself for a month to being back around me/other people socially a lot. i knew that was understandable as i was worried about the same thing but figured it would be me who was having to adjust a bit. so that was two weeks ago or so and then it kinda just went away and she readjusted but then i started over this time to sense a different type of offness from her. so this morning i asked her if anything was wrong and she said no but then i pushed it a bit cause I can read her fairly well and then she kinda unloaded that she has just been feeling really strange around me since she's been back. her words were that she feels almost angry towards me but has no idea why :/ that was a bit of a shock for me as I have not knowingly done anything to provoke that. she said she doesn't at all want to feel that way and is really upset that she does. she said she wants to take some time to try and figure things out for herself and to work through it. which I am honoring. In addition to that she said that she feels that we lost the excitement spark from the beginning (because we haven't been going out as much lately I guess) and that she feels bored. i told her that I get that because I feel bored occasionally too but then we do something and it goes away. how should I handle this? it's very seemingly sudden and very confusing. we were just starting to plan an anniversary trip for next month which was mostly her idea. I definitely love her very much but will not stay with her if she isn't able to resolve those feelings and she knows this. I am trying to not be negative and give up hope but also I am a realist and know how these things tend to go. so is that it? it's over just like that? I really don't want her to throw away something that's been so great over something that we could just work on. I'm super bummed about this right now so any advice or experience is wonderful. 1
phineas Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 She either cheated on you or realized she didn't really need you and didn't really miss you while separated from you. 9
Poutrew Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 Tell her good luck with the new guy and then go NC on her. Sorry, dude, but that is what it sounds like. She found someone else and is in the middle of the feeling guilty stage, which is shy she is 'angry' at you - she is manufacturing reasons to justify her leaving you for the other man. Don't feel too bad. At 21, she is still just a baby, and you are not much different - date around and experience life before you wrap the ball and chain around yourself... 6
kidm Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 She left her old ball and chain older boyfriend and realized there's a fun world out there with more guys and things to explore and why should she be stuck with you. Likely scenario is that she may even have sampled some of this fun world. She's met mr new and exciting. You see, she is like the typical 21 year old- not ready to settle down; the world is her oyster. You're at different stages of your life. It doesn't matter how mature or responsible she is - the caged bird wants to fly free. I'd let her soar. 6
Arieswoman Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I agree with the other replies. She's not mature enough for you and she's still flighty. Find someone in your own age group or who's at the same stage of emotional and psychological development as yourself. Sorry x 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 She almost definitely met another guy on her trip. All her odd behaviour points to it. (And no, this isn't related to needing to "adjust" after one month. 4 weeks is not long enough to requite an "adjustment" period after returning) Sorry OP, I would end this now. 3
Zippy2000 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 Something similar happened to me years ago when i went on holiday for a week. I was seeing a woman for a year and when i came back she was different. That was around 10 years ago and looking back i found out she had been online talking to other men. Im not saying this happened in your situation but when you are away or absent. It lets the other person ponder or re-evalute your relationship. You need to have a talk with her to find out whats wrong. The longer you leave it the longer its going to hurt inside for her. Shes behaving different for a reason. Maybe for attention or maybe she doesnt want to be with you anymore. You have to find out. 2
smudge21 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 Maybe nothing happened, but she may have had a taste of something new - even just a friendly bit of banter with a stranger. She told you that the early spark has gone, well that happens all the time. None of us maintain that excitement and intensity that we have when we first meet. Only from maturity do you realise that that is how relationships go. At her age, she probably doesn't get this so expects it to be constant fun and excitement. She's possibly had a reminder of that recently. I'd tell her that you're going to take some time, as she doesn't know what she wants and now you need to go find out what you want. Take the initiative and maybe, just maybe, she'll understand about relationships and come back... that is if you want her to by then. 2
Truth34 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I concur with most everything ahead of me. And if you can do this in a very mature and non-emotional way, pull way back and pull out. There is nothing that will possibly zap her like you bailing first. Now, we all know that you really arent bailing first, but it still pulls power back to you. If you can try and be tactful but yet act like you are totally fine with this and go NC, your value may go up in the future. Hanging around while she lays these excuses on you, all while telling her "we will get through this" and all the other reassurances will sink this like the boat with holes in it that it is. Its not your job to find the holes sinking the boat at this moment, as sad as this is for you right now. You wont be patching them, just jump out while you can still levy some decision making power. Goodluck man. 3
elaine567 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 ...the caged bird wants to fly free. I'd let her soar. ^^^^ this^^^^
elaine567 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I know it is only 6 years age difference, but you are in totally different life stages. She no doubt moulded herself to your way of "mature" thinking, but free from you for a while, she again became the 21 year old, free and single person with her whole life in front of her, with new things to do and see and explore. She liked it. Sorry, but this ain't going to work out for you here, next time find someone your own age who wants the same level of commitment.
OnlyHonesty Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 She's not mature. You do not invest in stock that changes with the wind.
Author accident_prone Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 thanks for all the responses and advice. i totally get all your points and do not disagree. the crazy thing is that SHE has been the one this whole time that has been wayy more concerned with the commitment part and kinda always needed vaidation that i was still into it and invested. so this is definitely catching all off guard. should she contact me (cause I'm certainly not reaching out) what should I do? should i even entertain the idea of still being with her if that's what she says she wants? i don't even know how i'd handle this. just makes so little sense.
AVeryConfusedGuy Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I'll shed a little more light in a positive light than some of these other responses. You met her when she was 20, who is now 21. For a female, teens and early 20s are the most confusing years a woman can go through in their life. They seriously do not know what they want even if they claim they do. Their mind, feelings and emotions are constantly changing. One moment they will think and feel something, and the next it could be something totally different. She has anxiety, that is also a sign. That trip and time away, maybe she did experience flirtation with another guy and it opened and influenced her mind a little and thus making her confused since she's with you. Maybe the time away, she didn't miss you as much as she thought she would and actually enjoyed having her own free time. Or maybe because of how young and 'mature' she is, their's a possibility that there is a wild side that is ready to be unleashed and she's going through a phase where she wants to just go out and be adventurous on her own as much as she can before she fully becomes an adult. All of these are possibilities, but unfortunately you probably won't get the true reasoning. Honestly I doubt she even knows why. From my perspective on advice, don't contact her at all. If she does contact you, you can reply but make it as simple as possible. If she texts you "hey" then put "hey" back. If she asks how you're doing, simply reply with "not too bad" and leave it at that. Keep it simple to show that you aren't hurting, but aren't having the intention of getting back with her. Play your cards right. If she does end up trying to come back, do NOT forget that her feelings about you changed and that she got 'bored' with you, as it can happen again. 1
Forceawakensme Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 (edited) She may have been all about 'committment' before but she is 21, she has simply not had an adult life experience to know what she really wants. Only through experiences and mistakes can she fully know. So maybe she thought she did want that with you before? and now she doesnt? -- The perils of dating a young woman, you are on shakey ground.. It doesn't matter her reasons, if she is unsure about you now in the 'honeymoon' stage of the relationship, she will continue to waver back and forth as the years go on. Its clear she feels there is something out there yet to discover away from you (whether it be another man, more time with her girlfriends, single life, travel.. just young living and growing up).. and she wont be fully at peace until she does. Anyway, how do you handle this? I know its hard and you're hurting but i think taking a moment to really see the situation for what it is and accept it. You need to step away from this relationship. If you love her you need to let her go and if she comes back to you (you know the rest). If you let her go with love and explain you need to set her free to find out what she wants.. then it leaves the door for you down the road. Do not take her back though (as she may get scared when you suddenly pull away) , not until shes live some life or you'll be in this same position again. You need to give her at least one year. I dont think this has to be a nasty split, its probably simply a case of different stages in life. Edited May 3, 2016 by Forceawakensme 1
Standard-Fare Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 I don't know why everyone here is leaping to the jaded conclusion that this girl met a new guy during her month away, as if that's the surefire answer here. That's just one of MANY possibilities. And I imagine if that were the reason, the OP would be seeing more evidence of it. I agree more with the sentiment that the time away gave her more time to question whether she wanted to be in a committed relationship at this stage of her life. OP: What stuck out to me most is that your GF said she felt "angry" at you, while claiming to not know why. I'm sure you probed that, but did you ever get any sort of satisfying explanation? That's a strong word for her to use, it says a lot more than "bored." Is there something in your relationship's past that would make her feel this way? 2
Author accident_prone Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 thanks for the responses and advice. it definitely hurts and i am very frustrated but i am on the same page as you guys. i'm surely not reaching out to her and wont take her back without really knowing what was up and there being an actual solution. if there isn't, then so be it. i move on. i really dont think its another guy as that is very very out of her nature and character but i guess you can never really know. i know she definitely enjoyed her away time, as she should, and ever since shes been back home, work has been hellacious. so theres certainly a lot going on in her life. i just really wouldnt have thought that it'd only take a month away to want to throw in the towel. standard-fare, she has a pretty tough time communicating upsetting or controversial things so i really think "angry" could have meant "resentful" and that resentment stemmed from the tremendous boredom (sarcasm) she has felt in the last few months of our relationship. we have gone out and done a good bit and always have a good time. i really think i would have been able to tell that she was bored. the trip definitely weighed a HUGE part in this changing of feelings. and it really bums me out. just seems like a big wasted potential!
AVeryConfusedGuy Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 thanks for the responses and advice. it definitely hurts and i am very frustrated but i am on the same page as you guys. i'm surely not reaching out to her and wont take her back without really knowing what was up and there being an actual solution. if there isn't, then so be it. i move on. i really dont think its another guy as that is very very out of her nature and character but i guess you can never really know. i know she definitely enjoyed her away time, as she should, and ever since shes been back home, work has been hellacious. so theres certainly a lot going on in her life. i just really wouldnt have thought that it'd only take a month away to want to throw in the towel. standard-fare, she has a pretty tough time communicating upsetting or controversial things so i really think "angry" could have meant "resentful" and that resentment stemmed from the tremendous boredom (sarcasm) she has felt in the last few months of our relationship. we have gone out and done a good bit and always have a good time. i really think i would have been able to tell that she was bored. the trip definitely weighed a HUGE part in this changing of feelings. and it really bums me out. just seems like a big wasted potential! I don't think any of us are saying that she is necessarily seeing another guy or talking to another guy, but perhaps she got attention from another guy during her trip and she realized she liked the attention. It happens all the time. It would definitely make me smile and boost my confidence for the day if a very cute female started flirting with me or complimented me even if I'm in a happy relationship. Sometimes though, people get doubts when this happens and are curious what else is out there. It's part of life. My ex girlfriend was working at a hardware store, she's pretty attractive and she was literally one of the few girls who worked there. She got alot of attention from different guys working there, some were even going out of their way to buy her coffee or something in the mornings. It was extra attention she was getting that I wasn't able to give, and I believe it messed with her head. But who knows.
Author accident_prone Posted May 6, 2016 Author Posted May 6, 2016 on monday morning at breakfast I calmly confronted my gf of one year about her recent off behavior. she went on a work trip to open another store last month and has been back for just over two weeks. they have been a bit weird. signals I was getting and body language and such. and after initially denying it she finally started to provide me with a slew of reasons: says she feels weird resentment towards me since being back. says perhaps maybe she feels bored, etc. after a fairly emotional confrontation about this she "reluctantly" mentioned maybe we should take some space apart. apologized profusely and was crying and said she's very upset that she even feels this way and doesn't want to, etc but she needs to think and figure out what's up. naturally I'm skeptical of all of this and it seems weird but of course I agree and she leaves. so this wasn't an official breakup and we didn't set terms for this space but I have not heard from her at all for the past four days (we've never gone more than a day without talking in a year) naturally i am making assumptions as to what this means but I don't want to be hasty. my question is this. how long should I let this go with zero contact before doing what she clearly is avoiding and just ending things right now? as its really seeming that's what's up but at the same time I don't know that for sure. so how much space is enough? thanks in advance for any input or advice.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 It sounds like someone else has caught her attention, probably while she was away. That's a pretty sudden change if everything seemed fine beforehand. I would tell her you either work together on this or it's done. You can't hang around in limbo forever. Relationship problems aren't solved by avoiding each other. 2
sunking101 Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 Give her what she asked for but if she hasn't contacted after 10 days then I'd be worried. Hopefully she'll start to miss you and get in touch but if not then sadly there's your answer.
kgcolonel Posted May 6, 2016 Posted May 6, 2016 I would contact her over coffee only to define the "break". Ask her, "are we dating / seeing / talking to other potentials? " Set a timeframe around the duration of the break as you don't want to be in the holding pattern for any extended period of time. Also, ask her if she has already met / engaged with someone else....watch her expression....do not do this over text but only in person. Then and only then, abide by the "break" guidelines if you are okay with them. If you are not okay with them i.e. she wants to explore another relationship, just go ahead and end it there.
Author accident_prone Posted May 7, 2016 Author Posted May 7, 2016 after she said she needed space to sort herself out on monday, i proceeded to not contact her and give her that space but simultaneously not stay overly hopeful and kinda start preparing myself me tell I guess. after not hearing from her for about 5 1/2 days, she texted me this afternoon while I was at work. simply said "hi" and I responded in kind. she asked how i was feeling and I said I'm doing well and just doing some stuff around my store and after a couple minutes she said that she "thinks she's alright" and it ended up not being so easy to gather her thoughts and emotions as she thought, hence the nearly six days of silence. I said no problem I understand but at the same time I don't want to drag this out and wanted to know what's up. told her I was willing to meet up and talk things over soon and she agreed. she assured me (I guess she thought it to be a concern) that there's no body else in the picture but more or less that during/after her trip away that she felt so free and independent for the first time and it has caused her be torn between that and being with me although she really loves me, etc (guess she thinks being with me keeps her from feeling independent?) so I told her I understand and have been there myself and that we'd talk soon and left it at that. SO my issue is this: I'm meeting her Monday after I'm off to talk about these issues but I don't know if there's any point. how should I feel about this? while I understand where she's coming from, at the same time I don't want to be with someone who is unsure of me. thanks.
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