jsmith92 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 I dont want to come across the shallow type because i am not but i have noticed in recent weeks my girlfriend has put a considerable amount of weight on. I have been in a relationship with her for 14 months and we get on really well everything is good. When i first started seeing her she was 11st 6lbs, now she is currently 13st 2lbs, so a gain of 24 pounds. I love her and dont want to hurt her feelings but i feel that becuase she is with me and is happy that she is letting herself go a bit. I go gym three times a week and have always been active and she is just the opposite and she is just getting really comfortable now. I brought it up with her today as this week she has been pretty bad with her diet and started to not care so much anymore what she eats. I know she can do what she wants and live how she wants but is it unfair of me to bring it up? I am attracted to her and want to stay attracted to her. There are times where she gets down about her weight and she will try and diet but it lasts a few days and she gives up again. We have a new gym opening near us next week which i am joining and i have asked her if she would like to aswell, i dont want her to put on a lot of weight but i also want her to be healthy too. She said that she understands she has put the weight on and my concerns but that i should love her however she looks, i do love her but attraction is a big factor right? I will not be as attracted to her for example as i first was if she puts on say another stone making that a three stone weight gain and i dont think she would be as attracted to me if i was to put three stone of fat on either. Like i said we spoke about it earlier and it got her a bit down but i just dont want her to keep not caring and piling the weight on, i love her very much but we have to remain attracted to each other right for it to work right in the long run? I dont pressure her to get down to a really small weight i just said she needs to take her health and diet seriously otherwise itl get to stage where she will pile it on a lot more. I know it is a sensitive subject but i brought it up to see how she feels about it, i know she wants to lose the weight as she gets down at times but most of the time she doesnt think and puts the weight on. Is it unfair of me to talk about it or is it normal to want to stay attracted to a partner and care? 1
thefooloftheyear Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 (edited) If you are a fitness guy and she isn't, and she put on the weight not by way of some medical condition that can be reversed, but by poor diet and inactivity, then you are likely incompatible and it will probably only get worse as time moves on ..... No,,,,,its not shallow, and while its probably uncomfortable, its not inappropriate to bring it up IMO.,...Just be prepared for the fallout...It can open a can of worms that most people cant deal with...In other words, dont just expect her to take it on the chin and become a fitness model because you said something about it...this type of thing can crush some people.. Good luck... TFY Edited May 2, 2016 by thefooloftheyear 3
Author jsmith92 Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 Im not going to break up with her over it though, I cant force her to get fit but she has agreed to join gym with me and I said we can both focus on getting fit together. I dont want her to lose a lot but would be good to get healthy together, I just brought it up as i dont want it getting to point where she really piles it on and i lose attraction towards her because attraction is important to me. I could have not said anything but feel I have brought it up in nicest way possible. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Im not going to break up with her over it though, I cant force her to get fit but she has agreed to join gym with me and I said we can both focus on getting fit together. I dont want her to lose a lot but would be good to get healthy together, I just brought it up as i dont want it getting to point where she really piles it on and i lose attraction towards her because attraction is important to me. I could have not said anything but feel I have brought it up in nicest way possible. I dunno, man.... I hope it works out, but be aware of this... The fact that she didn't recognize or seem to care until you brought it up is somewhat telling...No one really has much success at something when they are being prodded or coerced by someone else, a BF or otherwise.. Staying lean and fit isn't that easy for most people,,,It takes extreme discipline and self control... You've made your point, now stand back and see what she does...If she goes for a bit, doesn't seem to put much effort, or drops out, be prepared to deal with this again..Or just make the decision in your own life to let her be who she is and be happy.....and dont complain.. Good luck TFY 5
Gloria25 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Im not going to break up with her over it though, I cant force her to get fit but she has agreed to join gym with me and I said we can both focus on getting fit together. I dont want her to lose a lot but would be good to get healthy together, I just brought it up as i dont want it getting to point where she really piles it on and i lose attraction towards her because attraction is important to me. I could have not said anything but feel I have brought it up in nicest way possible. If you have no plans to break up with her, then why are you raising this issue? Cuz, guaranteed you two have two different views on fitness, she's not going to change. So, like others said, you said your peace, be ready for the fall out and you can't complain about it again if you decide to keep her. 3
getsmartie Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 We all should have personal accountability to not let ourselves go. It's wrong for her to think that you should love her regardless. That's a naive way of thinking IMO. 2
Author jsmith92 Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 We are happy, talk a lot about the future etc. It is not a deal breaker for me at the moment but i just brought it up as i have noticed she has not taken care in her health or weight lately. I get that I am a lot more into fitness then she is, but if she could lose a stone in the months leading up to when we started our relationship then she can do it again. Like someone mentioned above, just because you are in happy relationship doesnt mean you can let yourself go and think your partner will forever stay attracted to you, its just how it is if i was to put on a few stone i know my girlfriend wouldnt be as attracted to me as she is now. I am not asking her to lose two or three stone, i dont want a slim girlfriend who is a gym freak, I find her attractive i just wanted to make a point before it got to point where it started getting a bit too much. I have brougt up the gym now and we are both going to get healthier together, i am fitter but i am by no means perfect either and gym and healthier lifestyle will do us both good.
normal person Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 She has every right to get fat, but on the other hand, you have every right to break up with her if it bothers you that much. It's absurd for her to say "you should love me no matter what I look like," because let's face it, looks are very important. Sexual attraction is the main reason members of the opposite sex pair up and form relationships. If you don't have the attraction component, you're pretty much just friends. 4
amaysngrace Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 How come she didn't notice that she was gaining weight? Is she depressed or something? 2
Jabron1 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 The weird thing is just how insecure you are about not liking it. Putting on two stone in weight is just slothful, and unattractive in my opinion. That really is a lot of weight to put on in just over a year. I wouldn't keep nagging her about it if I were you. Have one really serious heart to heart with her. Tell her you'll help her to lose weight, but you can't carry on like this. If she still says 'you should love me however I look' then she isn't listening, and you will have a decision to make: either stay or go. Your call. But, don't think things will change, and don't keep trying to make her change. Either accept it or don't. And, If I were you, I'd seriously consider this before you decide to get married or whatever. 6
Author jsmith92 Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 How come she didn't notice that she was gaining weight? Is she depressed or something? She knows she has gained weight. She quit smoking 6 months into the relationship and she says that is a factor in the weight gain. I have never smoked so i wouldnt know but i have read that it can happen like that. She has just never been into fitness like i have and i get that, im not going to push her to be like me but at the same time i just didnt want her not caring about her appearance either. She said to me earlier that because i dont put pressure on her to lose it and i like her having a bit of meat on her that she doesnt feel the need to make much effort. But it has made her put on almost 2 stone and she knows she needs to do something about it. She seems positive about the gym opening soon so we will just see how that goes. 2
Author jsmith92 Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 The weird thing is just how insecure you are about not liking it. Putting on two stone in weight is just slothful, and unattractive in my opinion. That really is a lot of weight to put on in just over a year. I wouldn't keep nagging her about it if I were you. Have one really serious heart to heart with her. Tell her you'll help her to lose weight, but you can't carry on like this. If she still says 'you should love me however I look' then she isn't listening, and you will have a decision to make: either stay or go. Your call. But, don't think things will change, and don't keep trying to make her change. Either accept it or don't. And, If I were you, I'd seriously consider this before you decide to get married or whatever. Well yeah it is unattractive and that is why i brought it up, this is her first relationship over 6 months and i feel she has just got too comfortable. It is the first time i have brought this up with her and she didnt like me mentioning it but i think it will make her realise she cant carry on having a junk diet and not keeping fit. I said to her that i love her but that it also takes more than that to make relationships last long term.
amaysngrace Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 It's good that she stopped smoking. That's more important to her health than carrying a little extra weight that she can always lose. But quitting smoking is a much harder thing to do. Suggest that she has cut up celery and carrots and cucumbers to snack on. NO RANCH DRESSING though. 4
Confused9999 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 If you get more serious in the relationship or married and have kids it will get a lot worse! She obviously does not have a personal body image goal or trigger to control her weight. You might still love her but It is ridiculous and not realistic for her to assume you will be attracted to her no matter what she looks like. Men are very visual and physical in their attraction. You can tell her how you feel but ultimately SHE needs to want to do it otherwise it will only be superficial and she will give up fast or not even try. Unless there is some medical reason for her gain, she needs to want to put in the effort! Therefore as some posters have said... You need to seriously think what are you willing to live with. If you are ok for her to keep gaining, which she likely will, then just accept it and maybe work on her slowly to adopt a healthier lifestyle and exercise. Or, you set the boundaries and stage NOW telling her this is very important for you and not superficial but part of the whole lifestyle and way you want to live. This way she can also decide if she is willing to put in the effort and change for you now and Continue in the future.
losangelena Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 Has she had a history of weight gain and loss? It could be new relationship weight, getting comfortable, whatnot. However, most women are acutely aware of fluctuations in their weight (especially gains), and she probably just needs to get to a point where it's too much for her and she'll do something about it. There could definitely be a psychological component to this. In my own experience, the specter of intimacy brings with in a desire to quite literally insulate myself. As for you, I think you can be honest about finding it unattractive. That's probably better in the long run than pussy-footing around it. You don't have to be a jerk about it, but ignoring it and silently despairing is not going to make things any better. 1
Author jsmith92 Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 Talking about it earlier did make me think of how she will be in future, if she is not going to be bothered now what will she be like when marriage and kids are involved. I have brought it up now so she knows i have noticed and voiced my concern, if she wasnt to take it seriously then yes it would be a struggle for me, i love her but want to stay attracted to her and i just know i wont if she carries on the way she is. I have seen her enjoy the gym life before and lose weight and the confidence it gave her so i think she will get used to that again, hopefully. 1
Author jsmith92 Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 Has she had a history of weight gain and loss? It could be new relationship weight, getting comfortable, whatnot. However, most women are acutely aware of fluctuations in their weight (especially gains), and she probably just needs to get to a point where it's too much for her and she'll do something about it. There could definitely be a psychological component to this. In my own experience, the specter of intimacy brings with in a desire to quite literally insulate myself. As for you, I think you can be honest about finding it unattractive. That's probably better in the long run than pussy-footing around it. You don't have to be a jerk about it, but ignoring it and silently despairing is not going to make things any better. I dont know about her past weight gain and loss. I have seen her lose a stone while we were friends and this was what naturally made me more attracted to her. However since being with her i can see how easily she can put it on if she doesnt stick to exercise.
todreaminblue Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 (edited) it isnt unfair at all......the way that you talk about it is really important though....be motivating not degrading....be gentle not forceful...motivate by wanting to join in an exercise and healthy program with her...change what you both eat...dont eat the wrong foods in front of her and expect her not to crave it too...join her in her commitment....be committed yourself.....share those endorphins.....get as fit as you can be right along side of her...... my ex used to motivate me...i have had five kids and i put on weight easily ...medications etc.....when we changed our eating plans it was we not just me.....when we exercised it was we not just me....and when we got a rush of endorphins.....we motivated each other...and pushed each other further.....when he looked at me hot and sweaty ...he had a smile on his face because he was hot and sweaty too..and he knew how hard i worked out....the pain the injuries the effort the time it takes for me to be in peak condition..he used to call me his groover girl because he loved to watch me dance.....he made me feel good ...not worse or less than i felt already....theres motivation then theres making a person feel like crap....dont do that,.....be a motivator..and it will never be unfair when you discuss weight management on either side.......deb Edited May 3, 2016 by todreaminblue 3
thefooloftheyear Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 , but if she could lose a stone in the months leading up to when we started our relationship then she can do it again. . Be careful with this logic..... People often become who they aren't because they think they need to in order to attract a mate..... Problem is, its not really who they are... So don't just think in your head that because she lost weight that she can do it again...You may have to eventually dump her to ever see that happen again...you don't know.... Not trying to put a stick in the spokes, believe me I am rooting for you, but see it from all angles and know what the conditions were/are.... TFY 1
getsmartie Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 Btw what country are you from? I never heard the term stone? Is a stone 10 pounds?
Author jsmith92 Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 Btw what country are you from? I never heard the term stone? Is a stone 10 pounds? Oh really lol, im from London. A stone is 14 pounds to us over here. So when i say she gone from 11stone 6lbs to 13stone 2lbs, its 160lbs to 184lbs.
Author jsmith92 Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 Be careful with this logic..... People often become who they aren't because they think they need to in order to attract a mate..... Problem is, its not really who they are... So don't just think in your head that because she lost weight that she can do it again...You may have to eventually dump her to ever see that happen again...you don't know.... Not trying to put a stick in the spokes, believe me I am rooting for you, but see it from all angles and know what the conditions were/are.... TFY Yeah makes sense. It will be a shame if she doesnt make enough effort but if she doesnt I will have to make her aware it will be a deal breaker for me in the long run if she doesnt. Im not after a fitness freak for a girlfriend but i dont want to be with someone who doesnt care about there health or fitness at all either. I will make effort to feel good and look good for her i think its only fair to expect her to try to some extent too. 2
Arieswoman Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 jsmith92, First of all I think you should be very proud of your gf for quitting smoking, which is no mean feat. As an ex-smoker I can tell you that quitting smoking is a major lifestyle change. It is not unusual for people to gain weigh when they do this, so that shouldn't surprise you. However, I'm not really sure I understand your problem? You say that you aren't going to break up with her over it, but in the same breath you say it will be a deal-breaker in the future. Which is it? If you are still attracted to her, what's the problem? I would encourage her to come with you to the gym with you, and to eat healthily. Maybe you could cook some suitable meals for her and show her how to do that? If she is aware of the problem maybe you can give her a push to help motivate her? However, at the end of the day she has to want this for herself. If she doesn't then you need to decide what's acceptable for you. 2
Author jsmith92 Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 jsmith92, First of all I think you should be very proud of your gf for quitting smoking, which is no mean feat. As an ex-smoker I can tell you that quitting smoking is a major lifestyle change. It is not unusual for people to gain weigh when they do this, so that shouldn't surprise you. However, I'm not really sure I understand your problem? You say that you aren't going to break up with her over it, but in the same breath you say it will be a deal-breaker in the future. Which is it? If you are still attracted to her, what's the problem? I would encourage her to come with you to the gym with you, and to eat healthily. Maybe you could cook some suitable meals for her and show her how to do that? If she is aware of the problem maybe you can give her a push to help motivate her? However, at the end of the day she has to want this for herself. If she doesn't then you need to decide what's acceptable for you. I mean that I wont break up with her now over it as i have only just mentioned it. However if she was to continue the way she has been and put on a lot more weight then it would be something i would have to think about and make a decision on. I will see how the first few weeks and months go at the gym and i will make it an us thing rather then just her who has to change, ill try and help her as much as i can. She has put on 24 pounds in a year, it is a lot in my opinion and i just dont want it to get too much more without her caring about herself or how i look at her. She has said to me that she has put it on because i havent said anything up until now but now i have lets see how much she wants to change her lifestyle for the better.
Arieswoman Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 jsmith92, Just for interest, why did she give up smoking? Did she do it because she wanted to, or because you asked her to do it?
Recommended Posts