LucyGoosey Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 We've been dating six months. I'm 34. I'm madly, madly in love with him. I hope he is with me too. He's sweet and cute and says he loves me. We see each other five-six nights a week, and the lease is up on his place soon. When I half-jokingly suggested we move in together, he got uncomfortable, cleared his throat and said, 'I'd like to at some stage.' Just not now, obviously. I know I shouldn't rush things - it's been six months! And if I was 25 I wouldn't give a toss about it. It's just that he seems to be a very cautious, let's-not-rush-anything person (I know, good on him, right?) but part of me wants him to declare his undying love and say he wants a future together. I want to have kids in the next few years, but I'm so scared about broaching the subject with him in case he runs away. I guess I'm so scared that he's scared of commitment and it will ultimately end things between us. I know that I should be cruisy about it and not worry - but is it worth asking these tough questions now (do you really see a future between us, kids etc) - or do I relax, live in the moment and see how things go between us? I'm just worried in a couple of years' time he'll decide he's not ready for the commitment, and I'll be 36 and have to start all over again. Part of my real hesitancy stems from the fact he was in a relationship for six years - he ended it and there was a gap of six months before we got together, but I guess I can understand him not wanting to jump straight into cohabiting with a new girlfriend after just six months. The other, diehard romantic part of me says that when you know you know, and why wouldn't he just make the jump if he knows I'm right? We're not 23 - we're in our early thirties. I do know that he loves me, so should I just go with the flow and see what happens for now – or ask him if he really sees a future between us? Any advice appreciated! Thanks so much guys.
elaine567 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Your clock is ticking, so you do not have the luxury of waiting for years and then finding out he never saw this as a serious relationship in the first place or he has no intention of ever marrying and having kids. Put your cards on the table, he doesn't need to propose on the spot, but you need to know if you are both on the same page, if not then you will have to walk away so he doesn't waste any more of your time. If he runs away, he would likely have run away sooner or later so no harm done. 1
kidm Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 I assume he is around the same age too. Are you two exclusive and in a relationship or just dating? Has he asked for commitment (i.e. not seeing others, bf/gf)? How do you know he loves you? At your age, you don't just go with the flow after 6 months if you're looking for marriage and kids, etc. You need to know if there is a future. Six months may be too soon for him to move in but it doesn't sound like you are very secure in this relationship so it is probably a good idea to have a conversation with him rather than make any assumptions. 1
SoleMate Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Better to conquer your fears now and ask if he sees a future, than wait endlessly and lose your chance of a marriage and family. Also, don't view moving in together as a necessary or helpful step towards marriage, especially with an uncommitted-seeming man....it's not. There is a strong chance he's not as serious as you. Sorry. 1
Author LucyGoosey Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 He's 33. Yes, I should have clarified we're officially in a relationship. We've talked about not seeing anyone else, he said he loved me a month ago and that he feels like the luckiest guy in the world having me in his life ... he is a sweetheart!
Mrin Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 I think you need to ask the question differently: would you rather learn that he doesn't see a future with you and end it now or learn in three years? Unspoken expectations are the killer of souls in relationships. I also wouldn't ask him per se: I'd just say what you want/need in your future. Namely you want to start a family in a few years because you have a limited window of opportunity. After you describe that ask him what he sees in his future. Lastly, don't judge him by his initial reaction. Instead, judge him by his entire reaction. He may need a few minutes or days to truly process the conversation. Best of luck! Mrin 1
mikeylo Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 It's better you talk about it now than waste time on someone who doesn't want the same things as you. These are deal breakers , for both of you , so it's as important for him as its for you. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Having a conversation is fine but moving in together after only 6 months is too fast. 3
Jejangles Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 I definitely think you should be able to have that kind of conversation now! It's not about making a commitment yet, it's about knowing if you both see a possible future. You need to be able to discuss things like the future when in a relationship, and it's definitely not too soon at 6 months. I am in my mid 30s and have been dating my boyfriend for 4 months and we have discussions about the future all the time. Nothing is happening yet, but we both know if it continues to go well, we will eventually be talking about moving in, marriage, kids etc. It's not one conversation, it's a series of small conversations that add up to something bigger. A friend of mine was in a similar situation to yours recently (so similar I wondered if you were my friend)! At 6 months she mentioned moving in to her boyfriend and he said it was too soon. She freaked out a bit wondering if he saw a future, but then instead of guessing what he meant brought the conversation up again later and asked him to clarify what too soon meant. They have now had a productive conversation and understand what each other is thinking.
smackie9 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 If marriage and kids is what he is "looking for" that's fine, but to expect him to commit to it as a promise is ridiculous. You can't possibly know someone enough in 6 months. It takes time to see if you are compatible. Moving in a 6 months is way too soon. A year is more reasonable amount of time. It's better to wait until the honeymoon stage of the relationship ends. Then you both will be more level headed and know if the next step is marriage.
kendahke Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 He may not "know" or he may know and is scared to tell you. Either way, at this point, you should feel comfortable enough with him to talk to him about it. I don't think it's too soon at all. If this was 6 weeks in, I'd say yeah too soon--but this has been going on for half a yea now. I think that at the 6 month mark, a grown, 30-something year old man knows what he feels or doesn't feel and he needs to make a declaration one way or the other. And it's not too soon to move in if both of you feel the same about one another---however, you've just discovered a kink in chain with him recoiling from the notion, so that, to me, means that he's not on board like you are and you need to start treading very carefully and stop projecting what you're feeling onto him as if he's feeling the same thing. He's telling you that he's not. Since you want to be about the business of creating children, you need to not waste your time with someone who isn't in the same book, let alone the same chapter, same paragraph, same sentence, same page. 2
Cherryz Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Six months is a very short time to aspect someone to want to jump into all of that with you. He is making the rigth decision to say no to you now. And you guys are getting to know each-other so maybe months before you should have start share with each other already what you looking for in a men/women and what your life goals are and so on. So no one will stay and waste time working investing in something that wont work out. Have a conversation with him and hear also what he wants and see if you guys on same page. Dont rush things, and put pressure on the guy. If he see you the one he will chase you and ask you for more(engagement etc.). If you to pushy /needy you can scare him away. So dont play the men role. Give him space to do his part if he into it. Ps: You cant love someone in 6 months. You guys are just inlove. LOve is something that can grow with time.(years). 1
Cherryz Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Ps: meeting only at nights sounds weird some how. Why never at daylight? And at a restaurant or so? There is a difference in meeting at daylight. Try it and see. Beside your mind would be more clear also to ask and talk about different things. At night things can easily keep getting into "false"romance just, and just get sexual easily .
pteromom Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 I want to have kids in the next few years, but I'm so scared about broaching the subject with him in case he runs away. Wouldn't you rather him run away now, than run away 3 years from now when he finds out you are wanting marriage and kids? Then you've pretty much wasted your opportunity to have kids on him. I guess I'm so scared that he's scared of commitment and it will ultimately end things between us. Again - better to know that now! 6 months is WAY too early to move in together. I'd give it 18 months, personally (with a loose plan to fast track engagement and marriage if all is well at that point.) But 6 months is NOT too early to have the serious conversations. Ask him if marriage and children are his end goals. Ask him in a perfect world, when he would see that happening. Ask him what his perfect life would look like; his perfect day. Ask him what kind of a father he sees himself being; what kind of a husband. You don't have to push him to move in or propose - but you should absolutely be having philosophical type conversations. It really doesn't matter how you "feel" if your goals and lifestyles aren't compatible. Part of my real hesitancy stems from the fact he was in a relationship for six years - he ended it and there was a gap of six months before we got together Hmmm... six years with no marriage? That's a yellow flag. Not red, but yellow - shows you that he is perfectly happy skating along without moving forward. The other, diehard romantic part of me says that when you know you know, and why wouldn't he just make the jump if he knows I'm right? We're not 23 - we're in our early thirties. Ignore this part of you. It's not based in reality. There is no such thing as "when you know, you know". People are very diverse in their needs, goals, personalities, etc. If he is a slow mover, "knowing" something isn't going to turn him into a spontaneous romantic. I do know that he loves me, so should I just go with the flow and see what happens for now – or ask him if he really sees a future between us? Any advice appreciated! Thanks so much guys. Don't ask him if he sees a future with you. That question gives you no DATA to consider. He can say "Yes, of course!" and it means nothing other than giving you a temporary shot of security. You need to have more in-depth conversations than that. What are your priorities in life? Where do you see yourself in 10 years? What would your perfect sex life be? Do you want children? If so, how many? What kind of father do you think you would be? How would you approach religion/faith in fatherhood? Where do you want to live? Where do you want to retire? What huge purchases do you dream of? This is the kind of stuff you talk about to determine compatibility. And you don't do it interview-style to put him off and make him defensive. You do it one question at a time, maybe when lying in bed together after sex or in the morning. And you already have YOUR own answer to that question in your head. Is his answer compatible with yours? If not, is that a dealbreaker? How could his differences impact your life positively or negatively? If you are thinking about moving in, marriage and children, this is no time to be meek and frightened. This is your LIFE you are talking about. Learn who he is! Then decide.
spiderowl Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 I think it's fair enough to ask what he is looking for in his future. If you two are not on the same path, e.g. if he's looking to move abroad and spend years travelling with a partner who has no children, you need to know.
Ami1uwant Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 We've been dating six months. I'm 34. I'm madly, madly in love with him. I hope he is with me too. He's sweet and cute and says he loves me. We see each other five-six nights a week, and the lease is up on his place soon. When I half-jokingly suggested we move in together, he got uncomfortable, cleared his throat and said, 'I'd like to at some stage.' Just not now, obviously. I know I shouldn't rush things - it's been six months! And if I was 25 I wouldn't give a toss about it. It's just that he seems to be a very cautious, let's-not-rush-anything person (I know, good on him, right?) but part of me wants him to declare his undying love and say he wants a future together. I want to have kids in the next few years, but I'm so scared about broaching the subject with him in case he runs away. I guess I'm so scared that he's scared of commitment and it will ultimately end things between us. I know that I should be cruisy about it and not worry - but is it worth asking these tough questions now (do you really see a future between us, kids etc) - or do I relax, live in the moment and see how things go between us? I'm just worried in a couple of years' time he'll decide he's not ready for the commitment, and I'll be 36 and have to start all over again. Part of my real hesitancy stems from the fact he was in a relationship for six years - he ended it and there was a gap of six months before we got together, but I guess I can understand him not wanting to jump straight into cohabiting with a new girlfriend after just six months. The other, diehard romantic part of me says that when you know you know, and why wouldn't he just make the jump if he knows I'm right? We're not 23 - we're in our early thirties. I do know that he loves me, so should I just go with the flow and see what happens for now – or ask him if he really sees a future between us? Any advice appreciated! Thanks so much guys. I don't think there is a set minimum time before you know this person is the one. As you have said you have been seeing each other at least 5 days a week...how much of this has been sleep overs. Given husband reaction this is something you need to talk yo him about it. I know it could further a lot but you need to ask him if he wants marriage snd kids. If he doesn't then end this if he wanted to wait a few years then end it.
smackie9 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I thought most people bring up expectations within the first 3 dates so you know you are on the same page and have a good reason to keep dating???? why the f would you invest 6 months into a relationship and not know what they are looking for??
preraph Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I just bet he'll tell you when he's ready to commit. But you have every right to find out where you stand if you feel it's gone on long enough.
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